A Golden Boy Wedding

As hard as it might be to believe based on our group nickname , all of the Golden Boys are heterosexual and occasionally someone agrees to marry one of us. As you might imagine, when you put the four of us in tuxedos with an open bar and loud music, very entertaining things are bound to happen. The first thing that usually happens is that the dance floor suddenly looks like a Taylor Hicks convention with all of us pretending that we can dance. That’s where the American Idol resemblance stops however because none of us can sing very well. Of course that doesn’t stop us from singing. We usually continue to do so loudly and in unison almost constantly throughout the reception. Dates, wives and bridesmaids are quickly forgotten as we revel in our big day together. On more than one occasion the beautiful bride, who dreamed of this day her whole life, is usually quite upset that she, her $1000 dress, and the reason for the day has been completely upstaged by The Golden Boys. Considering the fact that she’s getting to marry a Golden Boy, it’s a sacrifice worth making.

One especially memorable Golden Boy wedding reception was Gooby’s. Fortunately his bride that day had been riding shotgun with The Golden Boys the longest and knew what to expect. (In the rest of this story I am going to remove the name of the Golden Boy to protect his identity. Golden Boy X we’ll call him.) Shortly after the reception began Golden Boy X was despondent over the fact that the bridesmaid he was paired up with didn’t want to hook up with him, so he coped with this the way anyone would. He got very drunk. So drunk that he threw up under the gift table and was shortly thereafter was found napping under said gift table. Needless to say, the bridesmaid was so impressed that she didn’t talk to him the rest of the night. Tom and I did not immediately comprehend the plight of our comatose friend because it was likely that at this time Tom and I, who were both not hitting on our bridesmaids, were slow dancing with each other until a pair of dateless divorced women(Can you say ‘Cougar’ boys and girls? Good, I knew you could!) decided they’d like to dance with us. Aren’t there always Cougars prowling weddings?

At about 1 a.m., following the reception, during which I’m sure no one took their Cougar to a coatroom or a car, the Golden Boys decided to help Gooby and the future ex-Mrs. Gooby bring all their presents and flowers back to the new bride’s parents’ home. We did rouse Golden Boy X, and now conscious and feeling badly about his performance at the reception, decided to apologize by vomiting in the bride’s parents’ bathroom. That night may be why Gooby is now divorced.

4 responses to “A Golden Boy Wedding

  1. $1000 wedding dress?! Ha! Try a minimum of $3500.

    I was secretly hoping that you had been the infamous Golden Boy X. But I'm twisted like that.

  2. Haha… I was thinking the same thing as Princess Consuela Bananahammock… $1000… what kind of dress is that?
    Also, I hope I don't grow up to be a cougar.
    Also, I'm glad I didn't have a traditional wedding. They never seem to go as planned.

  3. Good god, who spends $1,000 on a dress?

    Where were you when I got married? Except for the puking, I'd have *loved* to have been upstaged by the golden (hetero) boys. 🙂

  4. I thought all weddings went like that.

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