I wrote this post in May of 2006 when David Blaine was at the height of his idiotic popularity. My apologies to TGI Fridays for the feces in the food crack, but at the time there seemed to be an epidemic of people finding gross non-food items in their appetizers. When did you last hear about David Blaine? Perhaps everyone did take my suggestion in the last paragraph.
I know that most of you have heard the name. He’s that jackass who keeps closing himself inside things and expecting us to watch. That’s not a stuntman or a magician, it’s a not very bright 4 year old. Why the international media continues to cover this guy is beyond me. Here are a list of recent “accomplishments”: he spent 6 weeks in a box suspended above a street in London, he had himself frozen in a block of ice, he spent a week in a glass box in a hole in a New York City street, and he spent 35 hours on top of a pole in New York.
Right now he’s busy spending a week in a big fish bowl. Big freakin’ deal. Fish do that all the time and they have brains no bigger than a piece of rice. Fish also swim around in their own crap. Do you think David Blaine is going to do that? He’s going to have a catheter to remove his urine, but where will his feces go? Probably into someone’s entree at TGI Fridays. Of course he’s not going to swim around in his own crap. He’ll probably get out, take a crap, have a sandwich, and get a new oxygen tank. Now if we screwed a top on his fish bowl and dropped food in once a day I’d be impressed if he lasted the week.
After a few days in the water can you imagine the George Costanza-like shrinkage he’s going to have? He’ll be lucky if he has more than a mushroom cap visible down there for the next six months. No thank you. I’ll keep my equipment on the outside of my body where it belongs. Then, on Monday, ABC is going to televise him trying to hold his breath for 9 minutes. Again, big freakin’ deal! I remember in study hall in the 7th grade my friend and I would always take turns seeing who could hold our breath the longest. No one put a camera on us. In fact, it may be that oxygen deprivation to my brain that is responsible for some of the inane ideas that you read here.
Props to David Blaine for making a living doing stupid things, but why does the media cover this nonsense? He’s basically a circus freak. What’s next for him? Trying to see how many jelly beans he can stuff up his nose? I think we as a society need to stop reinforcing this idiots behavior. Let’s all agree, the next time this moron closes himself inside a giant jello mold in the middle of Times Square we’ll just throw a blanket over him and walk away. As Ducky said to Andi in Pretty in Pink, “What kind of name is Blaine anyway? It sounds like a major appliance.”
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