Yes, that’s me on a Segway in front of the White House. I headed down to D.C. to see if I could help with the “Shut-down.” The company that rents the Segways made me wear the helmet. You know me, I’m a “live life on the edge” kind of guy. If the helmet wasn’t mandatory my flowing locks would have been flying free in the breeze as I busted through the door and sped onto the floor of Congress to give them the best kind of Philibuster.
I buzzed down the aisle on my rented chariot with security guards chasing hopelessly in my wake, surprised congress people jumping out of the way, coffee spilling willy-nilly in every direction. At the front of the room President Obama paused from what appeared to be a heated discussion with John Boehner and turned to see what the buzz in the room was about. Clearly, as you can see from the picture, he appeared pleasantly surprised to see me. Either that or he just loves Segways.
After letting Barack and a few congress-people try the Segway with disastrous results, I decided to get down to business and took my place at the podium. This is what I said:
“Listen you idiots. Stop screwing around. In this social media, technology-at-our-fingertips age, we are all about five minutes away from governing ourselves American Idol style by text message voting. If you old, rich people can’t show us that you can be useful you’ll all be out of jobs the next time we get a chance to vote. As for the debt ceiling, don’t raise it or extend it. Fix it. The government is one of the largest, most poorly run businesses in the world. Ten years ago nobody in the U.S. had ever heard of Greek yogurt and now it’s a multi-billion dollar industry! If somebody can make a profit convincing us to eat live bacterial cultures you can make a profit with the government, which as far as I can tell is a room full of live bacterial cultures. (my stern gaze pans over the audience) Get some business people in here.”
“Secondly, let’s address the healthcare debate. Guess what? Lots of Americans need health care if you want them to grow up to be productive tax payers. Republicans? Didn’t you all participate in a vote about this whole thing a year or two ago? And now you want to take it back? How do you explain that? Were you drunk when they took the vote? That’s like when in the heat of the moment you blurt out ‘I love you’ and then in the harsh light of day you’re stuck with the consequences. In the immortal words of Beyonce, you decided to dip but now you wanna trip. If you didn’t like it then you shouldn’t have put a ring on it. Booyah! Seacrest Out.”
I stretch my arm out and dramatically drop the mic on the floor of Congress. There is a stunned silence as I walk down to my Segway, and carefully strap on the helmet, Then as I step onto my 21st century steed and buzz up the aisle John Boehner, with tears in his eyes, rises to his feet and begins a slow, singular clap that is soon joined by another and another and another until I am swept onward by a building crescendo of applause. As I raise one hand to fist bump Nancy Pelosi the spell is broken when I lose my balance and crash into the last row of seats before the exit.
This one was for Georgina who wanted me to write about the government shutdown. As always, if you enjoy your weekly Phil Factor I would love it if you would share it by any of the social media buttons below. Have a great weekend!