The Rob Ford Interview

Is Toronto Mayor Rob Ford winning? Since his first DUI arrest in Miami fourteen years ago he has still been partying like it’s 1999. In his three years as Mayor of Toronto he has “earned” over $170,000 a year in salary while engaging in a drug binge/manic episode that would make Charlie Sheen say, “Yo, uh..Rob, dude, you might want to mix in a Xanax now and then. Seriously, give it a rest. I’m done. I gotta call it a night.”  Being the intrepid writer that I am I thought Rob Ford might make for a good interview.

TPF: Rob, over the last few years you seem to be hell bent on self-destruction both politically and personally. What is it that drives you to engage in behaviors that cause others to question your sanity?

Rob: Are you kidding me? Have you been to Canada? Apparently there aren’t enough drugs in the world to make me understand this place. The money has pictures of the Queen of England and geese. It’s enough to drive you loony.  And you know how in the U.S. when you buy cocaine that it’s measured in kilos?

TPF: Umm…no, I don’t know anything about buying drugs.

Rob: Well in the U.S. you guys don’t use the metric system except when you’re measuring amounts of coke. In Canada it’s the opposite. They measure cocaine in pounds. What the hell is that? I have to do drugs just to understand the conversion rate.

TPF: Rob, the citizens of Toronto clearly want you out of office. Why don’t you leave?

Rob: Are you kidding me? They gave me a job that pays a hundred and seventy large every year and I can’t get fired. Idiots! Do you know how much $170,000 is in American money or Euros? Me neither, but the word ‘buttload’ comes to mind.

TPF: Well Rob, if you aren’t going to leave office until your term is up, what positive changes do you plan to make?

Rob: Thanks Phil, I’m glad you asked. Yeah, you know that Great China Wall thing they got over there? Well I’m going to build one between Canada and the U.S.

TPF: Wait. Why build a wall? Do you want to keep the Americans out?

Rob: No, I love the Americans. I want to keep all these crazy Canucks from pursuing me when I flee the country. Do you have any idea how mad they are at me? And they all own guns! That’s why we have to have government sponsored socialized medicine. Most days in Canada there are more hunting accidents before breakfast than..than…I don’t know what, but the word buttload comes to mind again.

TPF: Well thank you again for visiting #ThePhilFactor Mr. Mayor.

Rob: Mayor? What the hell are you talking about? I’m Rob Ford from Kitchener, Ontario. I’m an accountant.

TPF: Oh, I’m sorry. I just looked up Rob Ford in the Ontario phone book. My bad.

Rob: This was all ‘off the record’ right? You’re not going to put this on Facebook or anything, right?

TPF: Ummm…no, not on Canadian Facebook.

Just for fun, enjoy this video from SNL

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Photo credits: omg.yahoo.com & thestar.com