The Winter Olympics: Is That Still a Thing?

Will I watch the Olympic opening ceremonies? No. I saw the Super Bowl half-time show last weekend. That’s enough pomp and circumstance for me for the month.  Is it just me or are the Olympic opening ceremonies just a cross between an elaborate drama club production and a marching band half-time show?

japanese-skis

Not only am I not interested in the opening ceremonies, but the Winter Olympics in general are the equivalent of televised Liquid NyQuil. You can’t possibly get me to believe that virtually every Olympian has overcome decades of great personal tragedy to reach their lofty goal.  I think the networks spend more time telling you about the athletes than they do letting you watch them.

Olympic Announcer 1: “Welcome to Sochi, Russia. Here we are at the first round of the 10,000 Meter Cross Country Skiing Championship. The favorite in the event is the Swede, Signard Snuffleupagusmussen.”

Olympic Announcer 2: “Very few people know this, but Signard had to overcome decades of great personal tragedy to reach his lofty goal.”

Olympic Announcer 1: “You don’t say? How unusual!”

Olympic Announcer 2: That’s right Announcer 1. As a child, Signard was afflicted with near paralyzing ingrown toenails. His doctors told Signard’s parents that it was possible that little Signard would have to wear open-toed shoes forever. His hopes of being an Olympic cross-country skier looked hopeless. “

Olympic Announcer 1: “Also, in a frigid, Nordic country such as Sweden, there is no season good for open-toed shoes. Fortunately for the viewers we have a 30-minute video clip of Signard training with his specially made open-toed ski boots. What courage it must have taken!”

Olympic Announcer 2: As if that weren’t enough of a challenge Signard was born left-handed and still struggles to button his shirts properly to this day!

Ok, I may watch a bit of the opening ceremonies. All I’ve got to say is that the Winter Olympics need to be cancelled because apparently there isn’t a country in the world that can find a good looking winter hat for their teams to wear.  Also, I’m moving to the Phillipines. First off, the country is named after me, and secondly, they only have one Olympian. I’m pretty sure I could make the team there. Just by virtue of growing up in upstate New York I have better Nordic skills than everyone in the Phillipines.

biathlon-14

What’s the deal with the Biathalon? You ski for a bit and then you pull out a rifle and shoot at things. That sounds like terrorist training for Nordic countries.  Although, have you ever noticed that terrorist acts never take place in cold weather countries? If the Olympic committee wants to stop worrying about terrorist attacks at the Olympics they should just award the Games to Greenland every four years.

In my esteemed opinion almost all Winter Olympic events are just stuff kids do when they’re playing outside on Christmas break. Luge? Skeleton? Bobsled? Sledding, sledding, and more sledding! We could all do that!  Figure skating? That’s just toddler pageants on ice! Snowboarding? I bet you could go to any ski mountain anywhere in the world and find a dozen teenagers high on pot doing better tricks than Shaun White.

And what is Sochi? It’s sounds like something I might order at a Japanese steak house. Had anyone even heard of the place before it was awarded the Olympics? It’s no wonder they’re having problems. It’s a second rate city in a poor country. That’s like putting the Olympics in Buffalo. Hello? Russia, did you forget about Moscow? We’ve heard of it, we know where it is, and there’s probably a decent hotel or two there. When I’m elected President or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law stating that the Olympics need to take place somewhere that we’ve heard of.

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor in the spirit of the Olypmics please share it by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or other share buttons below. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

Picture credits: funy-potato.com and adventure.howstuffworks.com

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