This was originally published on The Phil Factor on Dec. 6, 2006. It is based on a real news article I read at the time. Obviously the idea never caught on.
Ok, I’m not on the pill, but the important thing is, I could be. Scientists have reportedly finished developing a birth control pill for men. This development may completely revolutionize dating. I imagine that unless I was near death it would be impossible to get in to see my doctor right now because of the number of men clamoring to get a prescription for “the pill.” I’m sure most women are thinking, “No thanks. Are you expecting us to trust men to remember to take a pill every day when they can’t even remember to call us the next day?” On behalf of all men I would like to respond to women’s skepticism by saying, “Of course you can trust us to take the pill! This is important!”
At the risk of being ostracized by my fellow men, allow me to enlighten women about how the male mind works. There are two things that motivate us. Two primal instincts that are hardwired into our brain. We like sex, and we like really cool toys, especially if they’re loud, go fast, or blow things up. We like our sex that way too. The difference between those two things however is equal to the difference between…hmm…let me think of how to put this into terms that women will understand. The difference between our love of cool toys and gadgets and our love of sex is like the difference between getting a new blender for your anniversary or getting a dozen long stemmed, red roses, a box of Godiva Chocolates and a diamond necklace for your anniversary while you’re out for dinner at a nice restaurant drinking magaritas. My point is, nothing motivates men more than sex. If taking a pill every day increases our chances of having sex, then you can bet we would remember to take that pill before we remembered to feed ourselves. Or breathe.
Many times you see women shy and demure around men when it comes to discussing birth control as if it is an embarrassment to consider planning ahead for the possibility of sex. In the past when a single night, or relationship was progressing to the point where birth control becomes relevant a usually awkward conversation ensues. “Umm..do you got something?” “Uh..no, do you?” With the new male birth control pill that uncomfortable moment with be gone forever. Also gone will be lame pick-up lines. Men everywhere will just approach women and say, “Hi! I’m on the pill!” If men have anything to do with the marketing of the new male birth control pill each prescription will come with a t-shirt that says just that. Who I feel sorry for is the young women with unresolved father issues. Take a middle aged man, add the pill and an erectile dysfunction medication that may cause them to last several hours and these poor young women searching for a replacement for daddy’s lack of attention when they were young won’t have a chance to catch their breath.
Also, much the way that programs on Lifetime and The Oxygen Network are filled with commercial breaks espousing the wonders of wings and plastic applicators, mens’ sports programming will soon contain only ads for The Pill and beer. In fact, the ads will probably show men taking their pill and washing it down with a cold, refreshing, amber beverage made with crystal clear water taken from mountain streams. The ads will also probably show a lot of scantily clad women. That’s generally a given regardless of the product.
Don’t worry guys, you still have hope. Before publishing this Throwback Thursday edition I did Google “male birth control pill” and it appears there are several companies out there still trying to develop one. If you click that hyperlinked Google it will take you right to the list of articles. Please do because that will also help my Google rank.
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