Tag Archives: Throwback Thursdays

TBT! Hey Guys, We’re In Trouble

(09/27/14) If you’re a guy, reading this may save your life. Ladies, you should read this because you’ll thoroughly enjoy the perspective.

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Guys, we’re in trouble. Throughout history men have been the dominant gender because of our advantage in size and muscle mass. I think that may be changing. In my never-ending quest to live forever I’m continually trying to stay in shape. Recently I joined a new gym. I tried a couple classes that approximate Cross Fit. Do you know who’s in these classes? Women. Every class, no matter how physically challenging, is about 80% women. Typically you think of fitness classes at a gym and you think of women in fluorescent spandex jumping around to peppy music like this:

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That may have been true twenty years ago. The women in classes at gyms now aren’t “normal” women though. They’re some sort of super-breed of women. You know who’s going to survive the Zombie apocalypse? Female fitness instructors and their followers. Guys, we can do curls and chest presses all we want, but I’m telling you, the women in these classes can kick our asses. These women are doing chin-ups and juggling medicine balls in time to music while standing on one foot. If the women at gyms across the country decided to band together and take over the country there would be nothing we could do about it. We can’t even out-run them.

Some of you more crass and low-brow type of guys might be thinking, “But Phil, isn’t it awesome being in a class full of fit women in yoga pants?” No. No it’s not. It’s awful. Imagine yourself in a room with walls that are completely mirrors. Imagine everyone in the room moving fluidly and smoothly around you. Now imagine yourself flopping around on the floor, gasping for breath like a fish that’s been tossed on the deck of a boat. And you can see yourself in the mirrored wall. And everyone else can see you in the mirrored wall. It feels like that dream where you find yourself in public in your underwear and there’s nowhere to hide.

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That picture above is how I feel after every class. Like I said, I’m not looking around at any one else. I’m just trying to survive. Guys, the reason we should be worried is 1) I’m convinced all the women are more physically fit than us. (You know, fantasy football isn’t exercise) and 2) About 20 minutes after the class ends and I can breathe normally, I feel like kicking the crap out of somebody for the rest of the day. I don’t care how attractive they are; I want no part of a pre-menstrual woman with more muscle mass than me. What if more and more women do these classes? And what if at one of the classes they realize that they don’t need us to open their jars anymore?

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You know what? Screw the Marines, Special Forces and Navy Seals. If President Obama and the rest of the civilized world want to obliterate ISIS once and for all, they just need an army of fitness instructors and their followers. That would be the real definition of terror. Guys, for the good of all of us and for the survival of the male species I’ll continue to attend these classes in the hope of at least gathering intel so we know when the women plan to take over.  Wish me luck.

As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor or just hope to survive the Aerobics Apocalypse, feel free to share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog buttons below. ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! My Psychic Predictions for 2017

This is not me, but I’m considering the hairdo

(Jan. 1,2017) As I may have mentioned once or twice, my previous posts containing my psychic predictions for the upcoming years have been tremendously popular, and even more so when I get things right. So, back by popular demand, I will again contact the other realm with my minds eye to help provide you with a look ahead so you can plan your 2017 accordingly. Without further self-indulgent blathering, here are my psychic predictions for 2017:

The World Will Not End: This prediction often goes underrated, but I stand by it. A lot of psychics like to make headlines by predicting the end of the world. Not me. I want you to be reassured that next December you’ll be here reading my predictions for 2018. Ok, maybe not you, but some people will. Like I said, the world won’t end in 2017, but I can’t make any guarantees for you personally.

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People Will Lose Interest in The Kardashians: Yes, the unthinkable will happen and the world, (except for one surprising person) will forget the entire family. Even Kanye West will lose interest and he and Kim will split amidst rumors that she has already moved on. In the world of reality television the Kardashian’s ratings will drop as viewers flock to a new reality TV sensation, possibly a a show about a psychic blogger.

The United Kingdom Will Try to “Un-Brexit”: First of all, I can’t wait to see the hashtag #Un-Brexit trending. That’s part of the prediction. In May the U.K. will try to beg it’s way back into the European Union by promising free Strongbow cider to all of Europe. While that might sway me, Europe refuses to allow the U.K.’s return unless they adopt the metric system and the Euro.

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William and Kate will have twins: All of the U.K. and all the royal watchers in the States will completely lose their minds when Princess Kate Middleton gives birth to twins, one of which will be named Philip.

Kim Kardashian will fall for another: Shortly after her split with Kanye, Kim Kardashian will be caught with Prince Harry and again social media will again collectively lose their shit when the two become engaged to be married. The Queen will also pass away in 2017, and that may be related to this news.

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Sorry that I’ve been vibing on the upcoming U.K. news. Let my try to hone in on something more local for my readers in the States:

Donald Trump will…(yes, you had to know there would be a Trump prediction) not be impeached as many are predicting, but he will step down from the Presidency when he discovers that it’s a real job and not nearly as fun as he thought it was. His resignation will occur via a tweet that says: You guys are jerks. I’m out. Sad!

Celebrity Deaths in 2017: Actress Betty White, Marvel Comics icon Stan Lee, and Queen Elizabeth. There will be others, but I don’t want to bum you out about those that will be taken from us too soon.

Celebrity Births in 2017: Now this is a tricky one. I’m not predicting which celebs will have children in 2017. I’m predicting the births of future celebrities.  In Terra Haute, Indiana a boy will be born that will, in 2048, be the first human to set foot on the surface of Mars. A girl will be born in Dallas and in 2037 she will become the biggest pop star ever. Beginning in 2035 her life will be followed live every minute of every day, including sleeping, on a social media platform invented by a young app developer who was born in San Francisco in 2014 to a couple who are currently working for Google. On January 1st 2017, a boy will be born in northern Florida, a suburb near Jacksonville, I’m feeling the name Caleb, and with the assistance of legal, accepted technological enhancements, will become the first “athlete” to win MVP awards in both the NFL and the Premier League in soccer/football in 2038 and 2039 respectively.

Scorecard Dec. 28, 2017: OK, back to the present. I’m writing this now. Let’s look at how I did. Prediction 1: True. The Earth and you and I are still here. Prediction 2: Less interest in the Kardashian’s? Subjectively, there does seem to be far less Kardashian news than this time a year ago. Also, scroll back to the picture under the Kardashian prediction. It’s Kim with Prince Harry. He didn’t fall for Kim, but Prince Harry did fall for a diminutive, dark haired, American TV personality. You’ve got to admit, I was pretty damn close. Prediction 3. U.K. will try to Un-Brexit. There are still folks in the U.K. trying to undo this, so it still may happen. My prediction of #UnBrexit being a hashtag on Twitter did come true. You can CLICK THIS to see if you don’t believe me. Prediction 4. William and Kate did get pregnant. As to whether they have twins, we’ll just have to wait and see. Prediction 5. Donald Trump was not impeached, as I predicted, but he hasn’t resigned yet either, so I was only 50% right on this one, but maybe in 2018… Prediction 6. Celebrity Deaths? I was terrible at this one.

Well, that’s it. That’s what poured into my head from the future and again, I wasn’t perfect, but I was pretty good. Come back Saturday for my 2018 psychic predictions! ~Phil

 

TBT! My Text Fight With Donald Trump

(12/17/16) Me and the Donald are going to have words. Well, maybe not words. Maybe just text abbreviations and emojis. In 2006, Congress passed the Warning, Alert, and Network Response act which allows every cell phone in the United States to get a text message warning of one of three types: A) Amber alerts when a child is missing and/or presumed kidnapped, B) Alerts involving imminent threats to safety or life. or C) Alerts issued by the President.

Yes, that’s right. The man who once tweeted:

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and also tweeted:

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Yes, that man will be able to text us all. The man is an artiste, is he not? He has a gift for language and I for one can’t wait to receive texts from him on a daily basis. Here’s how I imagine our first text conversation will go:

(As you read this imagine Donald Trumps voice)

From President Donald Trump: All Americans, there is an imminent danger that I am compelled to warn you about. Please disregard a little known blog called #ThePhilFactor. The content provided there about me is incorrect and Phil is a stupid jerk.

Phil: Hey Donald! What’s up? What’s your beef with me?

From President Donald J. Trump: Of course I knew you’d respond. Ur a self-serving attention whore who will do and say anything to get people to like u.

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Phil: Donald, umm…. did you listen to your campaign?

From President Donald J. Trump: Look, u and I both know I can’t deliver on any of the ridiculous things I said during the campaign, but the rest of those losers, the Ma & Pa Kettles of middle America are dumb as rocks. We’d be better off if I put a wall up around them. It would be easy. We could probably trap them all in the Walmart on a Saturday afternoon.

Phil: So now you want to keep the Americans out of America?

From President Donald Trump: Yes. Absolutely. Look what they’ve done to the country. If Americans and immigrants hadn’t ruined this country, we wouldn’t have to make it great again!

Phil: Isn’t your wife an immigrant? She’s from Slovenia right?

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From President Donald Trump: Oh u think ur so funny don’t you? U and Saturday Night Live think ur so funny when you mock me. Neither of u are funny or relevant any more.

Phil: Saturday Night Live? The American institution that’s been on TV since 1977 and has mocked every President since Gerald Ford? Not funny?

Alec Baldwin as Donald Trump

Alec Baldwin as Donald Trump

From President Donald Trump: Yes, all comedians who make a mockery of the political process should be banned.

Phil: Did you say comedians or Canadians?

From President Donald Trump: Both. Most comedians are Canadians and they’re both foreigners. We should ban them all from our great country of North America.

Phil: The country of North America?

From President Donald Trump: Yes. Part of making America great again is making it bigger. We should have all of America. North and South America should all be ours so we can be bigger than Russia & China.

Phil: You do realize that this is a group text to the whole country, right?

From President Donald Trump: Shut up Phil. Bloggers. Bloggers too. I’m going to put a wall around all of you. I have to go. Me and Putin have a couples massage at 1:00 😉

Tell me, does that conversation seem far fetched at all? Having the ability to text everyone at once is pretty cool though. I think it would also be great for my blog. I could text all of you to let you know when I post, and after you read you could text me your comments. So from today forward, please leave your cell number in the comments section so I can start compiling a group text for us.

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

Throwback Thursdays! P.T. Phone Home

(Nov. 8, 2014) Funny thing; I just discovered that my texting device has an app to make phone calls too. Isn’t modern technology great? What will they think of next?

You like to think that you’re immune to the stuff…oh yeah. It’s closer to the truth to say you can’t get enough. You’re gonna have to face it. You’re addicted to”  your phone?

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I got a new phone this week. I admit it, I’m a phone addict. The first step is admitting you’re powerless over your phone. I think as a society we’re addicted to our phones. For some it may be the constant contact with family and friends, for others it’s the constant access to information, some people never want to be out of touch with their job, and some just like goofy little games.

Cell phone addiction is a problem though. It distracts us from our jobs, our driving and our loved ones when they’re sitting right in front of us. So how do we cure our phone addiction? You get yourself a NoPhone!

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According to the campaign on Kickstarter, “Phone addiction is real. And it’s everywhere. It’s ruining your dates. It’s distracting you at concerts. It’s disrupting you in movie theaters. It’s clogging up sidewalks. Now, there is a real solution. With a thin, light and completely wireless design, the NoPhone acts as a surrogate to any smart mobile device, enabling you to always have a rectangle of smooth, cold plastic to clutch without forgoing any potential engagement with your direct environment. Never again experience the unsettling feeling of flesh on flesh when closing your hand.” The feeling of “flesh on flesh when closing your hand”? Isn’t that what you get when you hold hands with someone? Ugh (shudders) who wouldn’t want to avoid that?

I was going to come up with a list of other hilarious placebo products for a variety of addictions when I realized that it’s already been done. The NoPhone idea isn’t crazy, it’s brilliant! Think about it, for smokers there’s the e-cigarettes, for diabetics, technically not an addiction, there’s all kinds of sugar-free treats, for sex addicts there’s plenty of …ahem…devices and dolls. I don’t think alcoholics should have non-alcoholic beer, but hey, it’s out there too.  For the cleaning/germ-o-phobe addicts, send them to my house! Our society is full of placebos and surrogates for our vices. What’s that saying? Fake it till you make it! Here’s my million dollar idea; my Kickstarter campaign kicks off next week. Why not put a big, black box in someones living room to cure them of television addiction? With all the flat screen TV’s now, I think you could just paint a black rectangle on their wall.

In all honesty, this post was just an excuse for the E.T. picture at the top. If you haven’t yet, please vote for my book cover in the AllAuthor.com Cover of the Month Contest by clicking THIS LINK. The cover that’s in 1st place right now is laughably bad, and yet it got about 100 votes yesterday to move from 3rd to 1st. They can’t possibly have better blog friends than I do, can they? I didn’t think that was possible. You’d better go show them how wrong they are!

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

TBT! The Afterlife To-Do List

(01/17/16) Yesterday I wrote that it’s disconcerting to see so many people possibly more famous and probably wealthier than me, pass away and it has made me realize that it’s possible I may not be able to avoid death.  Don’t get me wrong, I still have no plans to die, but as I get older I like to hedge my bets a little. Hell, if Steve Jobs FitBit didn’t help him avoid death, what chance do I have? That’s right all you FitBit nuts, the Grim Reaper is coming for you no matter how many steps you take today.

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That’s my favorite Grim Reaper. He’s from a cartoon my kids watched. I thought he was particularly funny because he had a Jamaican accent. That’s the first item on my After-Life To Do List: If I’m going to allow myself to be escorted to the other realm it’s got to be him, that Jamaican Grim Reaper. It’s impossible to stay mad at anyone with a Jamaican accent. C’mon man. It will be alright. Let me show you around. Being dead ain’t no big ting… If it’s not him, I’m not going.

Prior to my death, and possibly as soon as this week, I’m going to choose my house to haunt. Who says that you have to haunt your own house? What’s to stop me from haunting the Big Brother house? There’s always people home, so I’d never be bored. I could participate by doing ghosty kind of stuff. How great would Big Brother be if the ten dolts were locked up in a haunted house for three months? And how about if the ghost gets to choose who leaves the house each week by making some mysterious sign, like a mark on a chalkboard or something? I’m totally going to pitch this idea to the producers. I’m putting it in my will just in case I don’t get the contract signed before I pass.

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List of people to haunt: I’m making this list and including in my will that invites be sent out to my funeral. Only the date of the funeral will have to be filled in.  I’m pre-signing the invites now  with the phrase “See YOU soon!” How creepy would it be to get one of those? Also, at my funeral I want every one there to stand up and read their favorite Phil Factor aloud.

Choose My After-Life Occupation: If I have eternity ahead of me, I don’t want to retire yet. Sitting around playing checkers with the old guys at McDonald’s in the afterlife sounds boring. In the after-life I’m going to be a real estate agent helping the recently deceased find the home of their dreams to haunt.

Me: This lovely colonial on a cul-de-sac has five of the living, four bedrooms and two and a half baths..

Recently Deceased: What about pets? I hate pets. Dogs always barking at me. Cats getting spooked when I’m trying to stand quietly in the corner watching TV. They can see us you know.

Me: So are pets a deal breaker for you?

Recently deceased: What about Jennifer Lopez? I’d love to haunt Jennifer Lopez.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Her house just went off the market last month. How about Justin Bieber?

Recently Deceased: Ugh. No thanks.

Phil found his time as a ghost comedian to be both odd and confusing.

Phil found his time as a ghost comedian to be both odd and confusing.

After-Life Hobbies: I never want to be all work and no play, so I’m going to be an amateur stand-up comedian in my spare time. Spare time? I’m dead. All my time is spare! See? I’m writing jokes for the after-life already. Man, I am gonna brighten that place up.

Blogging: Yup, I’m going to continue. I’ve been doing this blog for almost 11 years. Why should I let death stop me? I’ve pre-written an extra post a week for the last ten years and scheduled them to be released on a regular schedule after my transition to the after-life, Heck, I could be dead already and you wouldn’t know! Why else would I be writing about death?

So, as you can see, there’s lots to do in the after-life, and I don’t want to show up unprepared. What do you want to do after you die?

(This paragraph isn’t part of the throwback) Also, before you transition to the great beyond, would you mind clicking THIS LINK and voting for my Time To Lie book cover in the AllAuthor.com Cover of the Month contest? You click the link and hit vote. That’s it. No logging in, handing over your email or Facebook nonsense. If you’ve voted before, you can vote again each day. Thanks, I’d really appreciate your help.

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

 

TBT! Other Stuff There Should Be Nobel Prizes For

If you follow the news, you’ll know that it’s Nobel Prize season. In fact, according to the timer of the Nobel Prize website, the Nobel Prize for literature will be given out in about 90 minutes. Each day they give out a new one. I wrote this post originally in October 2014.

They’ve been handing out Nobel Prizes all week long, announcing two or three every day. This may come as a surprise to you, but I didn’t get one. It sure as hell came as a surprise to me. There’s even one for Literature! Is The Phil Factor not Literature?

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All my life there’s been awesome participation trophies and ribbons that have given me the belief that I deserve an award for everything I do. Adulthood has been kind of a let-down in that regard. You probably have some Nobel Prize-worthy attributes that deserve recognition as well. The fact that you read my blog is evidence of your good taste and wisdom. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I will use my executive powers to create several other Nobel Prizes.

The Nobel Prize for Growing Up: When I see celebrities and professional athletes who have fame, fortune and teams of people managing their “brand” and they still screw up and do stupid things that get them arrested, it drives me crazy. I believe there should be a Nobel Prize for growing up successfully when you don’t have all the advantages in the world. You know who has already earned a lifetime ban from this award? Justin Bieber.

The Nobel Prize for Grilled Cheese Sandwiches: Ok, admittedly I’m only including this so I get a Nobel Prize. I think it is a vastly under-appreciated skill to grill it just right so the bread isn’t burned or under-done and soggy and has the perfect crispness. That is my gift. You know who has already earned a lifetime ban from this award? Justin Bieber

The Nobel Prize for Social Media: I am terrible at Facebook and Twitter.  I don’t know what to say. Every time I go to write a status or tweet I think to myself, “Why would anyone care if I said this?” Even I am bored with my own Facebook. Yet there are people who effortlessly post on and off all day without giving it a thought and are usually charming and funny. Guess who’s not eligible for this award? Yeah, Bieber and all the Kardashians.

The Nobel Prize for Best Co-Worker: There are probably millions of people that deserve this award. Everywhere you work there’s always that person who spontaneously brings in coffee and donuts every Monday. They always remember birthdays and circulate a card. If someone has a death in their family this co-worker has already sent flowers and included a card with everyones name, and later will say, “Oh, don’t worry about it. Just give me a couple bucks whenever.” They are the social glue of the office. Without them the office milieu wouldn’t be as tolerable every day.

The Nobel Prize for Doing a Job Nobody Else Wants: Whether it be working at a fast food restaurant, a teacher of middle school kids, or cleaning out septic tanks, there are millions of people doing jobs you couldn’t pay most of us enough to do. Yet people are doing them cheerfully without getting paid nearly what they should be.

The Do-It-Yourself Nobel Prize: Like I said, we all have unique, special things that we do every day that are under-appreciated. What should your Nobel Prize be for? Put your answer in the comments.

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor feel free to share by Facebook, Twitter or re-blogging. Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

TBT! The “I Love All Four Seasons” People

Get ready, this is coming

We’ve all been in this conversation:

Other Human: Boy it sure is hot today!

Me: Yeah, but I’ll take this over winter any day.

Other Human: Not me! I love all four seasons! The fall colors are beautiful, and there’s nothing better than curling up in front of the fire on a cold winter night. And the Spring! All the flowers are beautiful!

Me: (imagining myself punching Other Human in the face)  What are you, fecking Snow White? The other seasons suck. You’re dead to me.

I’m not sure, but I imagine Snow White as the ultimate optimist. Her step-mother tried to kill her and she just went and lived with dwarfs until a Prince came along. And she sang and whistled happy tunes while doing housework! She probably loved all four seasons. I’ve never once sang and whistled while shoveling three feet of snow from my driveway.

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“Oh the Fall is so beautiful. I love the colors!” Yeah, well you know what? The colors on my 50 inch HD TV are gorgeous and I don’t have to go outside and pick the colors up off my yard for two months while inhaling mold and allergens. That’s ok though, you go ahead and frolic in leaf piles.

My problem is that I’ve lived in the northeastern part of the United States for my entire life. The first half of my life was my parents fault. But since I was liberated from their tyrannical control, it’s all on me that I still live here. I’ve grown sick and tired of damp, cool, Falls, cold, snowy winters, and Springs that are like living in England. (Yeah, sorry England, I hate to break it to you, but your weather is not great.)

I’m all about being an optimist and understanding others perspectives, but in February of 2015 the average temperature for the entire month in my hometown was 12 degrees. And not toasty warm 12 degrees celsius, whatever that is. It was 12 degrees Fahrenheit which is the manly American way of measuring temperature. We had over 100 inches (254 centimeters) of snow for the entire winter. Snow that had to be removed from driveways and roads. Yeah, you “I love all four seasons” people, how much fun was that season?

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That picture above this is me every Spring until about June. Yes, I know that rain is good for nature and all, but seriously, how can you “I love the four seasons” people actually love Spring? Who enjoys going around being damp all the time?

Admit it, none of you  really love all the seasons. You know who says that? Idiots and people who live somewhere that doesn’t really have all four seasons. So as summer turns into Fall, consider yourselves warned that if you engage in a weather related conversation with me, it’s not going to end well.

You know what’s also great to do when the weather forces you inside? Reading a good book. How about a humorous time travel suspense story that’s been compared to “Back to the Future but without the DeLorean…” My new novel Time To Lie is available in Amazon in both Kindle and paperback!

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil