Tag Archives: Throwback Thursdays

TBT! My Text Fight With Donald Trump

(12/17/16) Me and the Donald are going to have words. Well, maybe not words. Maybe just text abbreviations and emojis. In 2006, Congress passed the Warning, Alert, and Network Response act which allows every cell phone in the United States to get a text message warning of one of three types: A) Amber alerts when a child is missing and/or presumed kidnapped, B) Alerts involving imminent threats to safety or life. or C) Alerts issued by the President.

Yes, that’s right. The man who once tweeted:

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and also tweeted:

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Yes, that man will be able to text us all. The man is an artiste, is he not? He has a gift for language and I for one can’t wait to receive texts from him on a daily basis. Here’s how I imagine our first text conversation will go:

(As you read this imagine Donald Trumps voice)

From President Donald Trump: All Americans, there is an imminent danger that I am compelled to warn you about. Please disregard a little known blog called #ThePhilFactor. The content provided there about me is incorrect and Phil is a stupid jerk.

Phil: Hey Donald! What’s up? What’s your beef with me?

From President Donald J. Trump: Of course I knew you’d respond. Ur a self-serving attention whore who will do and say anything to get people to like u.

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Phil: Donald, umm…. did you listen to your campaign?

From President Donald J. Trump: Look, u and I both know I can’t deliver on any of the ridiculous things I said during the campaign, but the rest of those losers, the Ma & Pa Kettles of middle America are dumb as rocks. We’d be better off if I put a wall up around them. It would be easy. We could probably trap them all in the Walmart on a Saturday afternoon.

Phil: So now you want to keep the Americans out of America?

From President Donald Trump: Yes. Absolutely. Look what they’ve done to the country. If Americans and immigrants hadn’t ruined this country, we wouldn’t have to make it great again!

Phil: Isn’t your wife an immigrant? She’s from Slovenia right?

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From President Donald Trump: Oh u think ur so funny don’t you? U and Saturday Night Live think ur so funny when you mock me. Neither of u are funny or relevant any more.

Phil: Saturday Night Live? The American institution that’s been on TV since 1977 and has mocked every President since Gerald Ford? Not funny?

Alec Baldwin as Donald Trump

Alec Baldwin as Donald Trump

From President Donald Trump: Yes, all comedians who make a mockery of the political process should be banned.

Phil: Did you say comedians or Canadians?

From President Donald Trump: Both. Most comedians are Canadians and they’re both foreigners. We should ban them all from our great country of North America.

Phil: The country of North America?

From President Donald Trump: Yes. Part of making America great again is making it bigger. We should have all of America. North and South America should all be ours so we can be bigger than Russia & China.

Phil: You do realize that this is a group text to the whole country, right?

From President Donald Trump: Shut up Phil. Bloggers. Bloggers too. I’m going to put a wall around all of you. I have to go. Me and Putin have a couples massage at 1:00 😉

Tell me, does that conversation seem far fetched at all? Having the ability to text everyone at once is pretty cool though. I think it would also be great for my blog. I could text all of you to let you know when I post, and after you read you could text me your comments. So from today forward, please leave your cell number in the comments section so I can start compiling a group text for us.

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

Throwback Thursdays! P.T. Phone Home

(Nov. 8, 2014) Funny thing; I just discovered that my texting device has an app to make phone calls too. Isn’t modern technology great? What will they think of next?

You like to think that you’re immune to the stuff…oh yeah. It’s closer to the truth to say you can’t get enough. You’re gonna have to face it. You’re addicted to”  your phone?

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I got a new phone this week. I admit it, I’m a phone addict. The first step is admitting you’re powerless over your phone. I think as a society we’re addicted to our phones. For some it may be the constant contact with family and friends, for others it’s the constant access to information, some people never want to be out of touch with their job, and some just like goofy little games.

Cell phone addiction is a problem though. It distracts us from our jobs, our driving and our loved ones when they’re sitting right in front of us. So how do we cure our phone addiction? You get yourself a NoPhone!

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According to the campaign on Kickstarter, “Phone addiction is real. And it’s everywhere. It’s ruining your dates. It’s distracting you at concerts. It’s disrupting you in movie theaters. It’s clogging up sidewalks. Now, there is a real solution. With a thin, light and completely wireless design, the NoPhone acts as a surrogate to any smart mobile device, enabling you to always have a rectangle of smooth, cold plastic to clutch without forgoing any potential engagement with your direct environment. Never again experience the unsettling feeling of flesh on flesh when closing your hand.” The feeling of “flesh on flesh when closing your hand”? Isn’t that what you get when you hold hands with someone? Ugh (shudders) who wouldn’t want to avoid that?

I was going to come up with a list of other hilarious placebo products for a variety of addictions when I realized that it’s already been done. The NoPhone idea isn’t crazy, it’s brilliant! Think about it, for smokers there’s the e-cigarettes, for diabetics, technically not an addiction, there’s all kinds of sugar-free treats, for sex addicts there’s plenty of …ahem…devices and dolls. I don’t think alcoholics should have non-alcoholic beer, but hey, it’s out there too.  For the cleaning/germ-o-phobe addicts, send them to my house! Our society is full of placebos and surrogates for our vices. What’s that saying? Fake it till you make it! Here’s my million dollar idea; my Kickstarter campaign kicks off next week. Why not put a big, black box in someones living room to cure them of television addiction? With all the flat screen TV’s now, I think you could just paint a black rectangle on their wall.

In all honesty, this post was just an excuse for the E.T. picture at the top. If you haven’t yet, please vote for my book cover in the AllAuthor.com Cover of the Month Contest by clicking THIS LINK. The cover that’s in 1st place right now is laughably bad, and yet it got about 100 votes yesterday to move from 3rd to 1st. They can’t possibly have better blog friends than I do, can they? I didn’t think that was possible. You’d better go show them how wrong they are!

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

TBT! The Afterlife To-Do List

(01/17/16) Yesterday I wrote that it’s disconcerting to see so many people possibly more famous and probably wealthier than me, pass away and it has made me realize that it’s possible I may not be able to avoid death.  Don’t get me wrong, I still have no plans to die, but as I get older I like to hedge my bets a little. Hell, if Steve Jobs FitBit didn’t help him avoid death, what chance do I have? That’s right all you FitBit nuts, the Grim Reaper is coming for you no matter how many steps you take today.

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That’s my favorite Grim Reaper. He’s from a cartoon my kids watched. I thought he was particularly funny because he had a Jamaican accent. That’s the first item on my After-Life To Do List: If I’m going to allow myself to be escorted to the other realm it’s got to be him, that Jamaican Grim Reaper. It’s impossible to stay mad at anyone with a Jamaican accent. C’mon man. It will be alright. Let me show you around. Being dead ain’t no big ting… If it’s not him, I’m not going.

Prior to my death, and possibly as soon as this week, I’m going to choose my house to haunt. Who says that you have to haunt your own house? What’s to stop me from haunting the Big Brother house? There’s always people home, so I’d never be bored. I could participate by doing ghosty kind of stuff. How great would Big Brother be if the ten dolts were locked up in a haunted house for three months? And how about if the ghost gets to choose who leaves the house each week by making some mysterious sign, like a mark on a chalkboard or something? I’m totally going to pitch this idea to the producers. I’m putting it in my will just in case I don’t get the contract signed before I pass.

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List of people to haunt: I’m making this list and including in my will that invites be sent out to my funeral. Only the date of the funeral will have to be filled in.  I’m pre-signing the invites now  with the phrase “See YOU soon!” How creepy would it be to get one of those? Also, at my funeral I want every one there to stand up and read their favorite Phil Factor aloud.

Choose My After-Life Occupation: If I have eternity ahead of me, I don’t want to retire yet. Sitting around playing checkers with the old guys at McDonald’s in the afterlife sounds boring. In the after-life I’m going to be a real estate agent helping the recently deceased find the home of their dreams to haunt.

Me: This lovely colonial on a cul-de-sac has five of the living, four bedrooms and two and a half baths..

Recently Deceased: What about pets? I hate pets. Dogs always barking at me. Cats getting spooked when I’m trying to stand quietly in the corner watching TV. They can see us you know.

Me: So are pets a deal breaker for you?

Recently deceased: What about Jennifer Lopez? I’d love to haunt Jennifer Lopez.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Her house just went off the market last month. How about Justin Bieber?

Recently Deceased: Ugh. No thanks.

Phil found his time as a ghost comedian to be both odd and confusing.

Phil found his time as a ghost comedian to be both odd and confusing.

After-Life Hobbies: I never want to be all work and no play, so I’m going to be an amateur stand-up comedian in my spare time. Spare time? I’m dead. All my time is spare! See? I’m writing jokes for the after-life already. Man, I am gonna brighten that place up.

Blogging: Yup, I’m going to continue. I’ve been doing this blog for almost 11 years. Why should I let death stop me? I’ve pre-written an extra post a week for the last ten years and scheduled them to be released on a regular schedule after my transition to the after-life, Heck, I could be dead already and you wouldn’t know! Why else would I be writing about death?

So, as you can see, there’s lots to do in the after-life, and I don’t want to show up unprepared. What do you want to do after you die?

(This paragraph isn’t part of the throwback) Also, before you transition to the great beyond, would you mind clicking THIS LINK and voting for my Time To Lie book cover in the AllAuthor.com Cover of the Month contest? You click the link and hit vote. That’s it. No logging in, handing over your email or Facebook nonsense. If you’ve voted before, you can vote again each day. Thanks, I’d really appreciate your help.

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

 

TBT! Other Stuff There Should Be Nobel Prizes For

If you follow the news, you’ll know that it’s Nobel Prize season. In fact, according to the timer of the Nobel Prize website, the Nobel Prize for literature will be given out in about 90 minutes. Each day they give out a new one. I wrote this post originally in October 2014.

They’ve been handing out Nobel Prizes all week long, announcing two or three every day. This may come as a surprise to you, but I didn’t get one. It sure as hell came as a surprise to me. There’s even one for Literature! Is The Phil Factor not Literature?

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All my life there’s been awesome participation trophies and ribbons that have given me the belief that I deserve an award for everything I do. Adulthood has been kind of a let-down in that regard. You probably have some Nobel Prize-worthy attributes that deserve recognition as well. The fact that you read my blog is evidence of your good taste and wisdom. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I will use my executive powers to create several other Nobel Prizes.

The Nobel Prize for Growing Up: When I see celebrities and professional athletes who have fame, fortune and teams of people managing their “brand” and they still screw up and do stupid things that get them arrested, it drives me crazy. I believe there should be a Nobel Prize for growing up successfully when you don’t have all the advantages in the world. You know who has already earned a lifetime ban from this award? Justin Bieber.

The Nobel Prize for Grilled Cheese Sandwiches: Ok, admittedly I’m only including this so I get a Nobel Prize. I think it is a vastly under-appreciated skill to grill it just right so the bread isn’t burned or under-done and soggy and has the perfect crispness. That is my gift. You know who has already earned a lifetime ban from this award? Justin Bieber

The Nobel Prize for Social Media: I am terrible at Facebook and Twitter.  I don’t know what to say. Every time I go to write a status or tweet I think to myself, “Why would anyone care if I said this?” Even I am bored with my own Facebook. Yet there are people who effortlessly post on and off all day without giving it a thought and are usually charming and funny. Guess who’s not eligible for this award? Yeah, Bieber and all the Kardashians.

The Nobel Prize for Best Co-Worker: There are probably millions of people that deserve this award. Everywhere you work there’s always that person who spontaneously brings in coffee and donuts every Monday. They always remember birthdays and circulate a card. If someone has a death in their family this co-worker has already sent flowers and included a card with everyones name, and later will say, “Oh, don’t worry about it. Just give me a couple bucks whenever.” They are the social glue of the office. Without them the office milieu wouldn’t be as tolerable every day.

The Nobel Prize for Doing a Job Nobody Else Wants: Whether it be working at a fast food restaurant, a teacher of middle school kids, or cleaning out septic tanks, there are millions of people doing jobs you couldn’t pay most of us enough to do. Yet people are doing them cheerfully without getting paid nearly what they should be.

The Do-It-Yourself Nobel Prize: Like I said, we all have unique, special things that we do every day that are under-appreciated. What should your Nobel Prize be for? Put your answer in the comments.

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor feel free to share by Facebook, Twitter or re-blogging. Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

TBT! The “I Love All Four Seasons” People

Get ready, this is coming

We’ve all been in this conversation:

Other Human: Boy it sure is hot today!

Me: Yeah, but I’ll take this over winter any day.

Other Human: Not me! I love all four seasons! The fall colors are beautiful, and there’s nothing better than curling up in front of the fire on a cold winter night. And the Spring! All the flowers are beautiful!

Me: (imagining myself punching Other Human in the face)  What are you, fecking Snow White? The other seasons suck. You’re dead to me.

I’m not sure, but I imagine Snow White as the ultimate optimist. Her step-mother tried to kill her and she just went and lived with dwarfs until a Prince came along. And she sang and whistled happy tunes while doing housework! She probably loved all four seasons. I’ve never once sang and whistled while shoveling three feet of snow from my driveway.

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“Oh the Fall is so beautiful. I love the colors!” Yeah, well you know what? The colors on my 50 inch HD TV are gorgeous and I don’t have to go outside and pick the colors up off my yard for two months while inhaling mold and allergens. That’s ok though, you go ahead and frolic in leaf piles.

My problem is that I’ve lived in the northeastern part of the United States for my entire life. The first half of my life was my parents fault. But since I was liberated from their tyrannical control, it’s all on me that I still live here. I’ve grown sick and tired of damp, cool, Falls, cold, snowy winters, and Springs that are like living in England. (Yeah, sorry England, I hate to break it to you, but your weather is not great.)

I’m all about being an optimist and understanding others perspectives, but in February of 2015 the average temperature for the entire month in my hometown was 12 degrees. And not toasty warm 12 degrees celsius, whatever that is. It was 12 degrees Fahrenheit which is the manly American way of measuring temperature. We had over 100 inches (254 centimeters) of snow for the entire winter. Snow that had to be removed from driveways and roads. Yeah, you “I love all four seasons” people, how much fun was that season?

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That picture above this is me every Spring until about June. Yes, I know that rain is good for nature and all, but seriously, how can you “I love the four seasons” people actually love Spring? Who enjoys going around being damp all the time?

Admit it, none of you  really love all the seasons. You know who says that? Idiots and people who live somewhere that doesn’t really have all four seasons. So as summer turns into Fall, consider yourselves warned that if you engage in a weather related conversation with me, it’s not going to end well.

You know what’s also great to do when the weather forces you inside? Reading a good book. How about a humorous time travel suspense story that’s been compared to “Back to the Future but without the DeLorean…” My new novel Time To Lie is available in Amazon in both Kindle and paperback!

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! It’s the End of The World…again

In honor of the giant Perseid Meteor Shower that’s happening Saturday night, I thought it might be helpful if I reminded people that if those meteors hit the planet, it could be lights out for the human race. Enjoy this classic Phil Factor from last year that addresses this very issue.

Don’t worry. I’ll save us all. According to some crazy ‘scientists’ and conspiracy theorists the world is going to end in about two to six weeks. It’s nice that they gave us a window isn’t it? Usually when crackpots are predicting our demise there’s a specific hard stop date. Now, because of the six week window we can procrastinate.  For instance, right now I don’t own a single device with a working keyboard, so here I sit holding a tablet with one hand and typing away with on the virtual keyboard on the screen with one finger from the other hand. It’s super annoying. If I thought for a second that I’d have to do this for the next year or two, I would go right out and buy a new laptop. Since the world is going to end, why bother, right? If in six or seven weeks we find out that the doomsayers were wrong, then I’ll deal with the situation.

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Here’s how they say that the world is going to end this time: Apparently every twenty-six to twenty-seven million years the Earth has had an “extinction event”. Apparently we’re due for one in the next 2-6 weeks. An extinction “event”? That sounds like something that would be on pay per view doesn’t it? Some half-assed scientist from somewhere kind of implied that there’s another planet, Planet X or Planet 9 it’s being called,  in our solar system whose orbit around the sun is so huge that it only comes close to Earth once every 26 or 27 million years. Don’t worry though, it’s not going to hit us. The problem is that Planet X, in it’s extended orbit, passes through a meteor field and in doing so, it’s gravity pulls many of the meteors with it as it continues in it’s orbit. When Planet X is closest to Earth, we will get completely shelled into oblivion by the meteors.

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So, the question is, if there is only 2-6 weeks left, what would you do? I don’t want to hear anyone say they wouldn’t pay bills or clean their house. And yes, of course you’d see family and friends. Get creative! This is the ultimate time to pull out that bucket list and get to work.

Me? What would I do? First I would attend a Donald Trump rally, walk up to him on the podium, and punch him in the nose. He’d appreciate that. He loves inciting violence. Then I want to travel to see the 7 wonders of the world, or at least the ones I haven’t seen yet. I’d skydive. Then, if we are going to be pummeled by meteors, I want to be sitting in a hot tub with a glass of wine when it happens.

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I think the fact that I just put that Rick Springfield picture on my blog should be seen as a sign of the apocalypse. I know contemplating the end of the world is kind of a bummer, so I’ll give you your happy ending right now. It’s not going to happen. I guarantee it. In fact, I will take credit for it not happening. As a candidate for President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I vow to you, Phil Factor readers and denizens of planet Earth, that I will make sure the planet doesn’t end in 6 weeks. Will you get that guarantee from Donald, Hillary, or Matthew McConaughey? I doubt it.

So in the comments, what are you going to do in the next six weeks just in case I’m wrong? Have a great Thursday! (there might not be many more!) Phil

Throwback Thursday! The Commute

Here’s a classic from March 16, 2006

“Another working day has ended
Only the rush hour hell to face
Packed like lemmings into shiny metal boxes
Contestants in a suicidal race”
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I am a commuter. I commute to and from my job each day. I’m not sure what qualifies one as a commuter. Does your drive have to be a certain distance or length of time? Why did someone bother to come up with a name for people who drive to work? Doesn’t that pretty much encompass almost everyone? You know who came up with it? I’m betting it was a bored commuter stuck in traffic on his way to work. Why not come up with name for the odd minority who walk, ride their bikes, or take a bus to work? Oh, that’s right, we already have a name for them. Losers! I’m just kidding of course.

I resent the wasted time I spend in my car and I would love a 5-minute bike ride to work with the wind blowing through my flowing locks and the bugs and car exhaust blowing through my teeth. Memo to cyclists: Having wheels does not mean you belong on the road. If there’s a sidewalk get your lycra shorts ass up on it before we hit you.

The speed limit also poses a special challenge for commuters. Well, it’s not the limit itself that is challenging. In fact I find it quite easy to surpass. That’s not much of a challenge at all. The challenge is coping with the commuters who obey the speed limit as if some deity carved it in stone on the hoods of their cars. (Don’t try to understand that last sentence. It just sounded good in my head) My philosophy is this: We only have so much time to live, and I don’t want to waste any more than I have to trapped inside a mobile tin can. I want to get where I’m going so I can enjoy what I plan to do when I get there, whether it be watching a sunset, talking to a friend, or feeling the sweet release of sending my morning coffee back out into that great big world. I fiercely resent anyone who steals precious moments of my life by impeding my ability to get where I want to go as quickly as possible. If you speed limit compulsives enjoy time in your car so much, then park it at home and sit in it. Preferably with the engine running and garden hose going from the exhaust to the driver’s side window.

The great philosopher called “They” say that you shouldn’t be so focused on your destination and “you should stop and smell the roses.” Here’s a newsflash for “they”: There are no roses by the side of I-90 heading into the city! If I stop to smell the roses a homeless person will probably run up and try to clean my windshield. Then again, if he can pry that cyclist off my bumper I’ll be glad to give him a dollar.

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil