The guy in the picture is comedian John Pinette. You may not recognize him or his name, but you probably know him from one brief role. Remember the Seinfeld series finale that was two episodes? Remember the plot was that Jerry and his friends were put on trial for making fun of and not helping an obese man who was being carjacked. That obese man was comedian John Pinette who I met once at a comedy club in Boston. He died yesterday. I have no plans to follow him. I didn’t write this in time to save John, but maybe I can help you. Here are ten ways to postpone your death as long as possible:
10. Don’t run marathons. A study came out last week that basically said that running long and hard actually damages the heart. It also showed that on average marathoners had shorter lifespans. Stick to your local charity 5k and don’t run too fast and you’ll be fine. So far I’ve got this one covered. There’s a little sticker on the back of my car that says “0.0”
9. Don’t grow a long beard: Fortunately for most of the ladies reading, this one is easy. In 1567 Austrian Hans Steininger had the worlds longest beard at 4 feet. One day his house caught fire and in his haste to escape he tripped over his beard, falling and breaking his neck. Me? Just a short goatee. I’m good.
8. Hydration is important, but not too important: You know all those diets and health studies that advise drinking a lot of water? In 2007 Jennifer Strange of California died of water intoxication while trying to win a Wii console. It was a radio station contest called “Hold Your Wee for a Wii” where contestants drank as much water as they could and tried to hold their wee the longest. That pretty much sums up a regular day at work for me.
7. Dark chocolate and red wine: This one’s no joke. Red wine and dark chocolate in small amounts each day are good for your heart. Everything else in the world causes cancer.
6. Don’t be too stubborn about being right: A guy working in an office in the Toronto Dominion Center told visitors that the glass windows of the building were unbreakable. To prove it he threw himself against the window, which popped out of it’s frame and he fell 24 stories to his death. To his credit, the glass didn’t break.
5. Don’t date Oscar Pistorious: I’m pretty sure that guy’s kind of a jerk.
4. Floss your teeth! Apparently regular flossing can add 3-5 years to your life. I wonder, if I floss three times a day do I add 15 years to my life?
3. Beavers don’t appreciate selfies: In 2013 a Belarusian fisherman was killed when while attempting to take a a picture of himself with a beaver. The beaver bit him, severing an artery and the man bled to death. Lesson: always ask permission if you’re including someone, or something, in your selfie.
2. Baby got back: A study done at Oxford University showed that women with a more junk in the trunk are at lower risk for heart and metabolic diseases.
1. Read The Phil Factor: I fancy myself to be at least moderately humorous at times and I hope you do too. Studies show that regular laughter leads to a longer life. Take two Phil Factors and I’ll see you in 50 years.
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