(6/1/2013) Gentlemen, or should I say, Phil Taylor? Welcome! Welcome to Phil Club. I suppose you’re all wondering why I’ve gathered you here today. This, (holding my arm up and sweeping it around to encompass the room) is Phil Club. The first rule of Phil Club is that you talk about Phil Club.
Phil Taylor, Sports Illustrated writer: “Wait, wait wait. In Fight Club the first rule of Fight Club was that you don’t talk about Fight Club.
Me: “I’ll cut you some slack because you’re new. Did I say this was Fight Club? No, I said Phil Club. Phil Club is a gathering of all the talented and powerful Phil Taylors from around the world. Phil Taylor is an esteemed name that for generations has been the moniker for more famous and creative people than any other single name. We talk about Phil Club because it’s awesome! We’re awesome!”
Phil “The Power” Taylor, world’s best darts player: Excuse me mate, but I was told there would be bangers and mash ‘ere. I’m not staying if I can’t eat.
Me: (exaggerated sigh) Listen ‘mate’, don’t get your bollocks all up in a knot. We’ll get to the food, but not before we get to our main order of business. Since darts isn’t even a real sport you’re lucky I let you in Phil Club at all.
Phil “The Power” Taylor: Hey wait a minute! You…
Me: Call me back when it’s in the Olympics, dart boy.
Phil Taylor, Cleveland Browns nose tackle: What’s the second rule of Phil Club?
Me: Aaah! Finally a wise soul amongst us. Well, besides me I mean. Thank you Phil. The 2nd rule of Phil Club is that with great swag comes great responsibility. It is incumbent upon each Phil Taylor not to embarrass the family. By the way Phil, how many Pro Bowls have you made it to?
Phil Taylor, Cleveland Browns: Hey, that’s not fair. I’ve only played two years.
Phil ‘The Philthy Animal’ Taylor, Motorhead drummer: I’m with Phil. When do we get to the fish and chips I was promised?
Me: Oh great. Another Brit. You guys gotta stop watching Harry Potter. You’re all starting to sound the same. It’s driving me completely barmy. We’ll get through our rules and then pick a nominee and we’ll eat alright?
Phil Taylor, Sports Illustrated writer: So what are the rest of the Phil Club rules? I was promised a jumbo shrimp buffet and I’ve got a deadline.
Me: Phil, you’re damn right you’ve got a deadline. I expect a complete write up of Phil Club in Sports Illustrated this week. Rule #3 of Phil Club is that all Phil Taylors should follow each other on Twitter and retweet everything all the other Phils post. That way, at some point Twitter will be nothing but Phil Taylor stuff. First we conquer Twitter and then the world!
Phil Taylor, Sports Illustrated: This is stupid! I’m not writing about Phil Club in Sports Illustrated.
Me: No shrimp for you! Now to our final order of business we need a nominee to run for President. Not of Phil Club, but of the United States. Any suggestions?
Phil Taylor, Cleveland Browns: Yeah, I vote that we vote you out of Phil Club. You’re kind of a jerk. Anyone else agree?
Phil Taylors: (Raucous cheering and shouts fill the room) Here, here! Get rid of him! Security!
Me: (Security takes me by the arms and begins to drag me away from the podium) You can’t do this! Don’t you know who I am! I’m Phil Taylor! (dragged from the room to the sounds of thousands of Phil Taylors cheering and eating.)
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