When I Get That Feeling, I Want Textual Healing

When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law. A law about texting. Not a safety law, a common sense law. The fact that right now you are reading something longer than a text tells me that you’ll probably be on board with my idea.


“Pick up milk on the way home” is something we might text someone to save time. We are right to try to save time. You only get so much of it in life. We all use our phones to text right? There is no other texting device that I know of.  You text because you want to say one brief thing and you don’t want a whole conversation, right? Have you ever felt foolish because it took you longer to text than it would have if you just made a quick phone call?  I recently discovered this app on my texting device that also let’s me make phone calls!

With my recent discovery came an idea. What if, and stick with me here because this gets a little complicated; what if when it would be faster than texting, we actually just called someone up and said what we had to say? When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law stating that if it would be quicker to call than text, you are required to do so.  You’re probably saying to yourself, But Phil, which is a strange thing to say to yourself, won’t it seem rude if I just call someone, say one thing and hang up? Through a series of educational public service ads, starring me of course, my law will make it socially acceptable to do so.

A typical exchange might go like this:

Husband: (ring ring. Wife picks up) Don’t forget I’m golfing with the guys after work and then we’ll probably stop for a few drinks. (click)

Wife: (ring, ring. Hubby picks up) Have a good game. Don’t be too late. (click)

How nice would that be right? See? I’m getting people talking again. That’s what The Phil Factor is all about, bringing people together. I’m removing one small technological barrier to healthy relationships. If we call instead of text there will be fewer misunderstandings because we wouldn’t misinterpret jokes or take things the wrong way because we didn’t hear the tone of voice.  The real fun would come when people apply my law to sexting! Picture this series of exchanges as live, quick phone calls:

Guy: (ring, ring. Girl picks up) What are you wearing? (click)

Girl: (ring, ring. Guy picks up) Absolutely nothing. (click)

Guy: (ring, ring. Girl picks up) That’s so hot! (click)

Girl: (ring, ring. Guy picks up) I’m all alone. Wish you were here. (click)

Guy: (ring, ring. Girl picks up) If I was there what would you do? (click)

(ring, ring. Guy picks up) Could you come over and snake my drain? The sink in the downstairs bathroom is really slow. (click)

Guy: (hits redial. Last caller picks up) Oh yeah baby. I’d love to snake your drain. Have I got a plunger for you! (click)

(ring, ring. Guy picks up) Jimmy! What the hell was that? Who talks to their mother like that! You are a sick, sick boy. Forget it. I’m calling a real plumber to snake my drain, if you know what I mean. (click)


Ok, so maybe my plan has a few flaws, but for other things, I think calling and talking would work just fine. As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor feel free to share by hitting the Facebook or Twitter share buttons below or by reblogging. Have a great weekend! ~Phil 

11 responses to “When I Get That Feeling, I Want Textual Healing

  1. Reblogged this on Words and other such dilemmas and commented:
    It’s nice to hear a voice, but if you can’t catch them… any port in a storm and so forth

  2. Wait, so you pick up a phone and talk to someone?? I don’t get it…

  3. Texting? What’s that? I have only a land line and can talk to real people in a real conversation. And I’m neither Amish nor a pioneer. Maybe I’m a relic.

  4. I think texting is good because of the quiet factor. BUT! My husband is terrible at texting…well…anyway..if I need to say anything more than “I love you. Please bring ice,” or “I love you. Don’t forget to drop your shirts off,” then I text him to call me 🙂
    Phone sex would be super annoying if people had to hang up and redial with each response. I suppose it’s someone’s fetish, though.

    • Yeah the phone sex part was a joke. A co-worker and I joked around with it last week on the phone. It was hilarious and hilariously bad done live. That didn’t quite translate onto the page as funny as it went IRL. To be clear, my co-worker and I didn’t have phone sex. We just made jokes.

  5. Pingback: How Ron Burgundy Will Save Hindi Sex | The Phil Factor

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