Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you by using the word microcosm. I’m just going to make fun of stuff. I’m sure many of you have a New Year’s resolution about getting in better shape in 2015. My blog may be able to help with that by allowing you to learn from my mistakes.
Before I go any further, I must clarify. Although I occasionally write about my adventures at the gym, I am not some big muscle, workout nut. I’m a normal, average-sized guy just trying to stay alive forever. That’s my goal at the gym; to keep my body healthy enough that I’ll never die. Ok, enough personal disclosure. Let’s make fun of gym stuff!
The Men’s Locker Room: I’m forced to go in the men’s locker room at the gym. I don’t go in the women’s locker room for two reasons: 1) All the high pitched screaming in there is really irritating, and 2) It’s embarrassing getting beat up by women stronger than me, which is usually what causes all the high pitched screaming. (I’m a natural falsetto) I hate the men’s locker room for two reasons. First, it’s filled with naked men, which I find aesthetically unappealing. Secondly, you need to wear a gas mask to endure the smell. No, not the smell of sweat. The smell of body spray and farts. I’ve been to night clubs that smell less like body spray. As soon as I turn into the hallway where the men’s locker room is located I can smell the cloud of body spray emanating from fifty feet away. If someone lit a match in there the whole place would turn into a large enough ball of flaming gas that it would qualify as a new sun. Fortunately for me, I have teenage boys, so I’ve already developed a Herculean tolerance level to body spray and farts.
Exercise is hard: I discovered this week that there is no form of exercise that is easy. There are many types that are fun, but none are easy if you want them to be worthwhile. My shoulder is already injured and after overdoing it on Sunday one of my knees was sore as well. I wanted to get some kind of workout in that wouldn’t stress those particular joints, so I decided to try a yoga class for the first time in my life.
There were plenty of funny yoga pictures I could have included, but I couldn’t resist the yoga cat. So back to exercise being hard. Much to my surprise, yoga was hard too. I went in expecting some new age music and an instructor with a soothing voice telling me to breathe while I did some relaxing stretching. There were those things, but stretching was not relaxing. Trust me, I didn’t look as cute as yoga cat. I was relieved that there were about four other guys in the class; of course they looked like guys you’d expect to be in a yoga class. A couple of the poses required balance and strength at the same time. That’s the thing with my body; it only does one thing at one time. (You should see my dancing) So there I was in the middle of a placid yoga class flailing in the air as if I was trying to prevent myself from falling off the roof of a high building. Which, fortunately for me, is how I feel going through life most days. I’m sure that was more irritating than relaxing for the other people in class.
Then there’s the downward dog pose, also called “head down, ass up.” That seemed to be the base position from which we moved to all others. How is is that relaxing? Suddenly all the blood in my body rushes to my head and my blood pressure shoots up until we move to another pose. And in the other pose we were holding our hands as if we had a gun. Between the yoga gun pose and some of the Cross Fit kicking and hitting moves, I’m starting to think that it’s not the terrorists we have to worry about, it’s the workout nuts. Every time I try something new at the gym I feel like I’m being trained for combat.
Ok, I promise, no more stories from the gym for a while. If you liked #ThePhilFactor and want to exercise the muscles in your finger trying clicking the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. That’s a great workout. Have a great weekend! ~Phil