Tag Archives: gym funny

TBT! The 5 People You’ll Meet In The Gym

It’s that time of year again! Time for many of us to join a gym for three weeks. This is a classic post from 2013 that is always appropriate this time of year.

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Was your New Years Resolution to get in better shape? Did you sign up for a gym? You may not know it by looking at me, but I belong to a gym. I think there was a law passed stating that the more popular a gym is, the louder the music has to be. If you were to notice only the music and people on cell phones you’d think you were out at a club. I’ll be damned if I can find someone to give my a beer though. That’s why I fill my water bottle with beer before I go.

There are several categories of people that go to a gym. I think that the smallest number belong to the group of normal people who go to the gym a few times a week just to stay in decent shape. That’s the group I’m in. There are several other types. Which one do you fit in to?

1.  “Three-weekers.” You may be one of these and don’t know it yet. I call them this because they probably won’t use their membership for more than three weeks. You can always spot one of the three-weekers because they are so clueless about exercise that they actually accept the complimentary session with the personal trainer so they can learn how to use the equipment. Another way to spot the three weekers is that you’ll see them sort of drifting around the gym watching people use equipment as if they are watching animals at the zoo. The three weekers do this to try to figure out which pieces of equipment they might be capable of using without becoming a danger to themselves or others.

2.  Locker Room Nudists. Who doesn’t hate these people? These are the people who are obviously way too comfortable with their bodies, and in general they’re usually the people who shouldn’t be. For God’s sake, put on a towel when you walk from the shower back to your locker! And do not, under any circumstances, talk to ME while you are naked. We’re not that intimate!

3. “Women” at the gym. Some of them scare me. When women start doing things like wearing weight belts and bench pressing, doing pull-ups, and curls, I get a little scared about getting too close. I want no part of a pre-menstrual woman who has more muscle mass than me. That is not a safe combination.

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4. “The Bicep Bunch.” Just imagine the theme song, “The Bicep Bunch, the Bicep Bunch, that’s the way we became the Bicep Bunch!” There would be the t.v. screen full of the little picture squares, except instead of looking at each other and smiling they would all be looking at their flexing biceps and smiling. In that scenario I would be Alice. The Bicep Bunch has a uniform too. It consists of work boots, denim jeans and a black muscle shirt. They literally walk around the gym in groups of several guys in this identical outfit. I call them the Bicep Bunch because they’re only interested in working out their upper body in hopes of impressing women. Not that impressing women is a bad goal. For most of these guys though, their bodies are disproportionate. They spend so much time on their upper body and none on their lower body that they just have little stick-like legs. I imagine in a fight they’d be pretty easy to take out if you just “sweep the leg Daniel” they’d fall on their back and like a turtle be stuck that way with their little legs flailing helplessly in the air until the rest of the Bicep Bunch flipped them over.

5. Cell Phone People. I have no freakin’ idea how they can even hear anyone on their cell phones over the din of the music. The only exercise these people are getting is exercising their mouths. I’m sure they can’t do real exercise because they’re so winded from talking. It’s always a temptation to drop a big weight on these dopes. Not that I’m carrying big weights, but maybe I could persude one of the Bicep Bunch to do it for me because after taking out their leader Karate Kid style I am now their king.

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The Gym as a Microcosm of Society: It’s Full of Weirdos

Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you by using the word microcosm.  I’m just going to make fun of stuff. I’m sure many of you have a New Year’s resolution about getting in better shape in 2015. My blog may be able to help with that by allowing you to learn from my mistakes.

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Before I go any further, I must clarify. Although I occasionally write about my adventures at the gym, I am not some big muscle, workout nut. I’m a normal, average-sized guy just trying to stay alive forever. That’s my goal at the gym; to keep my body healthy enough that I’ll never die.  Ok, enough personal disclosure. Let’s make fun of gym stuff!

The Men’s Locker Room: I’m forced to go in the men’s locker room at the gym. I don’t go in the women’s locker room for two reasons: 1) All the high pitched screaming in there is really irritating,  and 2) It’s embarrassing getting beat up by women stronger than me, which is usually what causes all the high pitched screaming. (I’m a natural falsetto) I hate the men’s locker room for two reasons. First, it’s filled with naked men, which I find aesthetically unappealing. Secondly, you need to wear a gas mask to endure the smell. No, not the smell of sweat. The smell of body spray and farts. I’ve been to night clubs that smell less like body spray. As soon as I turn into the hallway where the men’s locker room is located I can smell the cloud of body spray emanating from fifty feet away. If someone lit a match in there the whole place would turn into a large enough ball of flaming gas that it would qualify as a new sun. Fortunately for me, I have teenage boys, so I’ve already developed a Herculean tolerance level to body spray and farts.

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Exercise is hard: I discovered this week that there is no form of exercise that is easy. There are many types that are fun, but none are easy if you want them to be worthwhile. My shoulder is already injured and after overdoing it on Sunday one of my knees was sore as well. I wanted to get some kind of workout in that wouldn’t stress those particular joints, so I decided to try a yoga class for the first time in my life.

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There were plenty of funny yoga pictures I could have included, but I couldn’t resist the yoga cat. So back to exercise being hard. Much to my surprise, yoga was hard too. I went in expecting some new age music and an instructor with a soothing voice telling me to breathe while I did some relaxing stretching.  There were those things, but stretching was not relaxing. Trust me, I didn’t look as cute as yoga cat. I was relieved that there were about four other guys in the class; of course they looked like guys you’d expect to be in a yoga class. A couple of the poses required balance and strength at the same time. That’s the thing with my body; it only does one thing at one time. (You should see my dancing) So there I was in the middle of a placid yoga class flailing in the air as if I was trying to prevent myself from falling off the roof of a high building. Which, fortunately for me, is how I feel going through life most days. I’m sure that was more irritating than relaxing for the other people in class.

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Then there’s the downward dog pose, also called “head down, ass up.”  That seemed to be the base position from which we moved to all others. How is is that relaxing? Suddenly all the blood in my body rushes to my head and my blood pressure shoots up until we move to another pose. And in the other pose we were holding our hands as if we had a gun. Between the yoga gun pose and some of the Cross Fit kicking and hitting moves, I’m starting to think that it’s not the terrorists we have to worry about, it’s the workout nuts. Every time I try something new at the gym I feel like I’m being trained for combat.

Ok, I promise, no more stories from the gym for a while. If you liked #ThePhilFactor and want to exercise the muscles in your finger trying clicking the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. That’s a great workout. Have a great weekend! ~Phil