The Afterlife To-Do List

Yesterday I wrote that seeing all these people that are slightly more famous, and probably wealthier than me, pass away has made me realize that it’s possible I may not be able to avoid death.  Don’t get me wrong, I still have no plans to die, but as I get older I like to hedge my bets a little. Hell, if Steve Jobs FitBit didn’t help him avoid death, what chance do I have? That’s right all you FitBit nuts, the Grim Reaper is coming for you no matter how many steps you take today.

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That’s my favorite Grim Reaper. He’s from a cartoon my kids watched. I thought he was particularly funny because he had a Jamaican accent. That’s the first item on my After-Life To Do List: If I’m going to allow myself to be escorted to the other realm it’s got to be him, that Jamaican Grim Reaper. It’s impossible to stay mad at anyone with a Jamaican accent. C’mon man. It will be alright. Let me show you around. Being dead ain’t no big ting… If it’s not him, I’m not going.

Prior to my death, and possibly as soon as this week, I’m going to choose my house to haunt. Who says that you have to haunt your own house? What’s to stop me from haunting the Big Brother house? There’s always people home, so I’d never be bored. I could participate by doing ghosty kind of stuff. How great would Big Brother be if the ten dolts were locked up in a haunted house for three months? And how about if the ghost gets to choose who leaves the house each week by making some mysterious sign, like a mark on a chalkboard or something? I’m totally going to pitch this idea to the producers. I’m putting it in my will just in case I don’t get the contract signed before I pass.

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List of people to haunt: I’m making this list and including in my will that invites be sent out to my funeral. Only the date of the funeral will have to be filled in.  I’m pre-signing the invites now  with the phrase “See YOU soon!” How creepy would it be to get one of those? Also, at my funeral I want every one there to stand up and read their favorite Phil Factor aloud.

Choose My After-Life Occupation: If I have eternity ahead of me, I don’t want to retire yet. Sitting around playing checkers with the old guys at McDonald’s in the afterlife sounds boring. In the after-life I’m going to be a real estate agent helping the recently deceased find the home of their dreams to haunt.

Me: This lovely colonial on a cul-de-sac has five of the living, four bedrooms and two and a half baths..

Recently Deceased: What about pets? I hate pets. Dogs always barking at me. Cats getting spooked when I’m trying to stand quietly in the corner watching TV. They can see us you know.

Me: So are pets a deal breaker for you?

Recently deceased: What about Jennifer Lopez? I’d love to haunt Jennifer Lopez.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Her house just went off the market last month. How about Justin Bieber?

Recently Deceased: Ugh. No thanks.

Phil found his time as a ghost comedian to be both odd and confusing.

Phil found his time as a ghost comedian to be both odd and confusing.

After-Life Hobbies: I never want to be all work and no play, so I’m going to be an amateur stand-up comedian in my spare time. Spare time? I’m dead. All my time is spare! See? I’m writing jokes for the after-life already. Man, I am gonna brighten that place up.

Blogging: Yup, I’m going to continue. I’ve been doing this blog for almost 11 years. Why should I let death stop me? I’ve pre-written an extra post a week for the last ten years and scheduled them to be released on a regularly after my transition to the after-life, Heck, I could be dead already and you wouldn’t know! Why else would I be writing about death?

So, as you can see, there’s lots to do in the after-life, and I don’t want to show up unprepared. What do you want to do after you die?

Have a great Sunday! ~Phil

47 responses to “The Afterlife To-Do List

  1. First thing I shall so is keep the bloody remote control off Jeffrey and have it levitating above his beloved fish aquarium – oooops nearly dropped it ……. Will keep me entertained for a while 😄

    I shall then frighten 1st and 2nd born into clearing out their bedroom – no self respecting spirit wants to spend any more time than necessary in there …….

    So Jeff doesn’t suspect it’s me – I’ll get the Hoover out too 😁

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Firstly I would take remote control off Jeffrey and have it levitating above his beloved fish aquarium – oooops nearly dropped it – that will keep me entertained for a while 😁

    I will then frighten 1st and 2nd born into clearing out their bedroom – no self respecting spirit wants to spend any more time than necessary in there!

    And so Jeff doesn’t suspect it’s me I’ll get the Hoover out too 😁

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oooh I liked your post so much I replied twice Ha! 😁 the first one disappeared – thought I had deleted it – anyway great post – thanks 😁

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I have to work on my After-life bucket list now! This is
    amazing and funny. Real estate may be a bit tough for me. All those people still caught up in their past and wanting to go back to the living. You will be getting them all raw and all. I would want to be a lawyer…I think. I wanted to go with bartender but it wouldn’t work. Same reasons. By the time they stick around long enough to want to sue someone,they will have settled. Hopefully.:-)

    Liked by 2 people

  5. You did not disappoint Phil. I love your to-do list for the afterlife. Only you could come up with an idea to pitch the TV people AND manage to squeeze in a Justin Beiber 😉

    Like

  6. When I die I’ll fulfill life’s wish
    Go on to be a stylish
    “Don’t go ’round looking weird and rotting
    How bout these sheets of Egyptian cotton
    We just got them in brand new
    Try them, oh they’re very you!”

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Oh the afterlife realtor! That is awesome! I’m so mad that all the people I’d like to haunt will all probably be dead by then, too. Anyway, you’re hired!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I would sacrifice myself and take on the Justin Bieber haunt. I’ll have him neutralized within days.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I love your After-life Occupation! That would definitely keep you entertained.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Reblogged this on DebWasHere and commented:
    This had me in giggles. And of course was an epic inspiration for a future post…maybe?

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Bloody brilliant.

    I’ve not given this much thought but like you, I don’t intend to just walk in with my overnight bag and share some dorm with a bunch of creaking old timers with nothing better to do than collect toe nails and make them into jewellery.

    I’d like to think I could do a fair amount of stuff in the nude. Yep, I’ll make a vow never to wear clothes again and as I’m going to the place with the central heating for all eternity, I may as well make the most of every second. That begs the question, is a second still a second in hell?

    At my funeral, I expect people to come naked, that would take their minds off the naked me in the cardboard box with just a couple of beer mats to cover the necessary bits. Wouldn’t want Great Aunt Ida choking on her false teeth.

    Liked by 1 person

    • PixieAnnie thank U for the funniest comment I’ve ever received on one of my blog posts. And it does sound like you put quite a bit of thought into what you’re going to do in the afterlife. It’s nice to meet you.

      Like

  12. The good thing about being a stand-up comic in the afterlife is that the ‘boos’ are good things. Boos are like applause in ghost speak. That’s just a scientific fact. I can’t reveal my sources because they’ll haunt me if I do. Just trust me! If you haven’t read Spooky Little Girl by Laurie Notaro, please add it to your reading list. I think you’ll love it!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. My afterlife occupation is going to be Avenging Angel. Off hours, I’ll kick back and do a little drawing, attend a few plays and concerts. Maybe learn an instrument, once that manual dexterity is back.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s a great idea. I wish I had thought of that. A ghost crime fighter would be pretty awesome!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Oh, you have me all wrong, Phil, and far too morally right. I intend to go after everyone who commits the petty annoyances that bugged me during life:
        – Every time someone tosses a piece of trash onto the ground,two pieces will fly up and hit them–and one will be slimy.
        – Every time someone chews with their mouth open, flies really WILL fly in.
        – You don’t wanna know what happens to guys who pee standing up in home bathrooms not equipped with urinals. It’s simple physics, Phil–logic is my life, and it will be my afterlife, too.

        Liked by 1 person

  14. Reblogged this on TOTS OF A BLACK GIRL and commented:
    This post is so interesting and funny…lol, planning for the after life…hmmm. Should I also give it a try. I don’t think so. my Nigeria readers might be freaked out about.. Nigerians can be so superstitious.

    Some Nigerian readers are already hinting that I think wierd,writing a post about after life would just add petrol to the fire,But I am still considering it though.

    Either way,yall should check out this post and this writer’s blog. He is a gifted writer and guess what…He has been blogging for eleven years.

    Imagine! Eleven bloody years. Wow,respect!!

    Like

  15. I just wanted to check if you were really dead?

    I would haunt funeral homes dressed as death

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I’m trying to think of something cool to do when I die but I just can’t. I’m thinking it would be just my luck that my ghost would have anxiety, scared of itself and unable to leave my haunted house…..ffs! lol

    Liked by 1 person

  17. That was awesome. Haunting Big Brother would maybe make that show great! I’m not a fan of those kind of reality shows but if you haunting them, I just might. I better start thinking about who I want to haunt. My first thought is Phoebe from Friends but she’s not a real person. She’s a character in a TV show. I forget that sometimes. I’ll have to think about that some more. I share my fave posts on my blog on Sundays. My own version of #SundayBlogShare I’m going to post a link to this one! Can’t wait to read more of your stuff.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Pingback: #SundayBlogShare #3 – All The Things I've Learned and Love

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