Tag Archives: Death humor

TBT! The Afterlife To-Do List

(01/17/16) Yesterday I wrote that it’s disconcerting to see so many people possibly more famous and probably wealthier than me, pass away and it has made me realize that it’s possible I may not be able to avoid death.  Don’t get me wrong, I still have no plans to die, but as I get older I like to hedge my bets a little. Hell, if Steve Jobs FitBit didn’t help him avoid death, what chance do I have? That’s right all you FitBit nuts, the Grim Reaper is coming for you no matter how many steps you take today.

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That’s my favorite Grim Reaper. He’s from a cartoon my kids watched. I thought he was particularly funny because he had a Jamaican accent. That’s the first item on my After-Life To Do List: If I’m going to allow myself to be escorted to the other realm it’s got to be him, that Jamaican Grim Reaper. It’s impossible to stay mad at anyone with a Jamaican accent. C’mon man. It will be alright. Let me show you around. Being dead ain’t no big ting… If it’s not him, I’m not going.

Prior to my death, and possibly as soon as this week, I’m going to choose my house to haunt. Who says that you have to haunt your own house? What’s to stop me from haunting the Big Brother house? There’s always people home, so I’d never be bored. I could participate by doing ghosty kind of stuff. How great would Big Brother be if the ten dolts were locked up in a haunted house for three months? And how about if the ghost gets to choose who leaves the house each week by making some mysterious sign, like a mark on a chalkboard or something? I’m totally going to pitch this idea to the producers. I’m putting it in my will just in case I don’t get the contract signed before I pass.

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List of people to haunt: I’m making this list and including in my will that invites be sent out to my funeral. Only the date of the funeral will have to be filled in.  I’m pre-signing the invites now  with the phrase “See YOU soon!” How creepy would it be to get one of those? Also, at my funeral I want every one there to stand up and read their favorite Phil Factor aloud.

Choose My After-Life Occupation: If I have eternity ahead of me, I don’t want to retire yet. Sitting around playing checkers with the old guys at McDonald’s in the afterlife sounds boring. In the after-life I’m going to be a real estate agent helping the recently deceased find the home of their dreams to haunt.

Me: This lovely colonial on a cul-de-sac has five of the living, four bedrooms and two and a half baths..

Recently Deceased: What about pets? I hate pets. Dogs always barking at me. Cats getting spooked when I’m trying to stand quietly in the corner watching TV. They can see us you know.

Me: So are pets a deal breaker for you?

Recently deceased: What about Jennifer Lopez? I’d love to haunt Jennifer Lopez.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Her house just went off the market last month. How about Justin Bieber?

Recently Deceased: Ugh. No thanks.

Phil found his time as a ghost comedian to be both odd and confusing.

Phil found his time as a ghost comedian to be both odd and confusing.

After-Life Hobbies: I never want to be all work and no play, so I’m going to be an amateur stand-up comedian in my spare time. Spare time? I’m dead. All my time is spare! See? I’m writing jokes for the after-life already. Man, I am gonna brighten that place up.

Blogging: Yup, I’m going to continue. I’ve been doing this blog for almost 11 years. Why should I let death stop me? I’ve pre-written an extra post a week for the last ten years and scheduled them to be released on a regular schedule after my transition to the after-life, Heck, I could be dead already and you wouldn’t know! Why else would I be writing about death?

So, as you can see, there’s lots to do in the after-life, and I don’t want to show up unprepared. What do you want to do after you die?

(This paragraph isn’t part of the throwback) Also, before you transition to the great beyond, would you mind clicking THIS LINK and voting for my Time To Lie book cover in the AllAuthor.com Cover of the Month contest? You click the link and hit vote. That’s it. No logging in, handing over your email or Facebook nonsense. If you’ve voted before, you can vote again each day. Thanks, I’d really appreciate your help.

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

 

Death Doesn’t Have To Be Boring!

I read a news report of a (American football) Philadelphia Eagles fan who sadly passed away too young last week. People passing away everyday isn’t usually newsworthy outside of their friends and family. This one was however because he wrote his own obituary in which he requested  “8 Philadelphia Eagles as pall bearers so they can let me down one last time.” I don’t know whether the team obliged and sent the pall bearers, but good on the guy for trying.

Death. I hate it and will do anything to avoid it. Seems pretty obvious, right? Yes and no. There are people that go around spouting nonsense like, “Well, we all have our time,” or “Enjoy the time you have. You never know when it’s going to be up!” I’m not one of those people, and I’m tempted to punch those people in the mouth, perhaps hastening their death. Trust me, the fewer of those death optimists, the better. I just coined a phrase, “death optimists.” Feel free to use it liberally in conversation over the next few years until it becomes embedded in the English language. If you speak a different language, such as Hindi, feel free to use it too. Everybody else, just piss off. Except for Norway. Norway, you definitely seem like a country full of death optimists.

When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law mandating that the wall between the United States and Mexico be taken down, and that funerals should be fun. Funeral has fun right in the word! If you rearrange all the letters, you get “real fun.” C’mon, our ancestors that invented the word funeral obvious meant for us to enjoy ourselves at these things! Also, I’m going to pass a law stating that at the age of 21, everyone has to make their funeral plans. Why 21? Well, aren’t the choices you make about anything in life more fun at 21 than at 41? If people plan their funerals when they’re old and boring, their funerals will be old and boring.

A Celebration of Life! Yeah, this cockamamie phrase gets tossed out there at every funeral and I’ve never seen one that achieves it. If you want to celebrate someones life, do it the way they would have. Pick their happiest, partyingest moment and recreate that. Play the music from their wedding reception and everybody get drunk and form a conga line! That’s what I want, my drunk friends in a conga line going by my open casket while Love Shack by the B-52’s plays. I got me a casket as big as a whale and it’s about to set sail! 

Wouldn’t it be poetic justice if I did pass away and because I wrote this, it actually comes to pass? I definitely don’t want to die anytime soon, or ever really. But if I do, I want my ten closest friends or family to read their favorite Phil Factor post aloud at my funeral. You just read that, so it might be you. Here’s what I want from you, my readers; in the comments write what fun way you’d like to pep up your funeral!

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

P.S. My new humorous suspense novel hits the Amazon Kindle bookstore on Friday Sept. 1st!

My Anti-Bucket List

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Thanks a lot Mary Tyler Moore. And I say that with the utmost sarcasm. You had to go and die. No, I wasn’t a feminist woman in the 70’s who felt empowered by your role in a TV show. I’m just a guy who hates death and hates being reminded about it every time someone famous dies.

Some people choose to celebrate life as a way to acknowledge death. There’s even blogs where people write about their “bucket list.” Here’s my bucket list:

 

 

Yup, that’s it. That empty space between these words and the paragraph above is my bucket list. Why, you ask,  do I not have a list of things I’m going to do before I die? That’s easy. I’m not going to die. Death is immensely popular. All the celebrities seem to be doing it. When celebs get old and aren’t getting the big movie roles, it’s seems that they’ll do anything to get attention. Me? I’m not a follower. I don’t live and die, pun intended, on the attention of others.

'It appears he was popped.'

‘It appears he was popped.’

I don’t see the wisdom in creating a bucket list. If you make a list of things you want to do before you die, you are #1 acknowledging that you’re going to die, and #2, what happens when you finish the list? If that isn’t the best way to notify the Grim Reaper that you’re ready to go, then I don’t know what is. And if you find yourself about to kick the bucket and you haven’t finished your bucket list, won’t you feel sad and unfulfilled?

I’ve decided to create an anti-bucket list. What’s an anti-bucket list you ask? It’s a list of things I’m going to do that will likely take me all of eternity. I figure that if I keep myself busy enough, I’ll forget to die. Here is my anti-bucket list:

Make fun of death: My modus operandi in life since I was a kid has been to make fun of things that scare me. Death, you are a big doo doo head. (you can’t see it, but I’m giving Death the finger)

Stick my toes in every ocean and every sea: There are five oceans and seven seas. If you follow my instagram (@ThePhilFactor) in the summer, you know I’m a big fan of sunsets. I want to see the sun set over every ocean and every sea, preferably while I’m standing in each one holding a cold drink.

Read Every Book That I Want To Read: Since it takes me only ten minutes to read myself to sleep every night, this one ought to take me all of eternity.

Live at least three months in all the interesting countries: That’s pretty much all of them. If you’re from another country and you want to live in the States for a few months, let me know and maybe we can house swap.

Meet everyone who reads #ThePhilFactor and say thank you for making my day. This one doesn’t seem as far fetched as you think either. This summer there’s going to a Bloggers Bash in Chicago on Saturday August 26th. Come on out and we’ll hob knob. I don’t know exactly what hob knobbing is, but I’m going to hob knob the hell out of that place!

So that’s my plan. When the Grim Reaper knocks on my door I’ll just reply, “Sorry. Can’t go, I’ve got stuff to do.” In the comments, tell me one thing you’re going to put on your anti-bucket list. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Ways Not To Die

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Let’s face it, death kind of sucks. Even if there is an afterlife, you don’t get to bring all your cool stuff with you. If you become a ghost you can certainly visit and haunt your friends but typically they won’t understand and will try to get rid of you. If you get reincarnated there’s no guarantee that you’ll even come back as a human. Life after death is a dicey proposition at best, so I plan to prolong my life as long as possible. Here are ten ways you can join me:

10. Don’t run marathons. A study came out last week that basically said that running long and hard actually damages the heart. It also showed that on average marathoners had shorter lifespans. Stick to your local charity 5k and don’t run too fast and you’ll be fine. So far I’ve got this one covered. There’s a little sticker on the back of my car that says “0.0”

9. Don’t grow a long beard: Fortunately for most of the ladies reading, this one is easy. In 1567 Austrian Hans Steininger had the worlds longest beard at 4 feet. One day his house caught fire and in his haste to escape he tripped over his beard, falling and breaking his neck. Me? Just a short goatee. I’m good.

8. Hydration is important, but not too important: You know all those diets and health studies that advise drinking a lot of water? In 2007 Jennifer Strange of California died of water intoxication while trying to win a Wii console. It was a radio station contest called “Hold Your Wee for a Wii” where contestants drank as much water as they could and tried to hold their wee the longest. That pretty much sums up a regular day at work for me.

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7. Dark chocolate and red wine: This one’s no joke. Red wine and dark chocolate in small amounts each day are good for your heart. Everything else in the world causes cancer.

6. Don’t be too stubborn about being right: A guy working in an office in the Toronto Dominion Center told visitors that the glass windows of the building were unbreakable. To prove it he threw himself against the window, which popped out of it’s frame and he fell 24 stories to his death. To his credit, the glass didn’t break.

5. Don’t date Oscar Pistorious: I’m pretty sure that guy’s kind of a jerk.

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4.  Floss your teeth! Apparently regular flossing can add 3-5 years to your life. I wonder, if I floss three times a day do I add 15 years to my life?

3. Beavers don’t appreciate selfies: In 2013 a Belarusian fisherman was killed when while attempting to take a a picture of himself with a beaver. The beaver bit him, severing an artery and the man bled to death. Lesson: always ask permission if you’re including someone, or something, in your selfie.

2. Baby got back: A study done at Oxford University showed that women with a more junk in the trunk are at lower risk for heart and metabolic diseases.

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1. Read The Phil Factor: I fancy myself to be at least moderately humorous at times and I hope you do too. Studies show that regular laughter leads to a longer life. Take two Phil Factors and I’ll see you in 50 years.

If you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please share by hitting one of the social media buttons below. Have a great day! ~Phil

The Afterlife To-Do List

Yesterday I wrote that it’s disconcerting to see so many people possibly more famous and probably wealthier than me, pass away has made me realize that it’s possible I may not be able to avoid death.  Don’t get me wrong, I still have no plans to die, but as I get older I like to hedge my bets a little. Hell, if Steve Jobs FitBit didn’t help him avoid death, what chance do I have? That’s right all you FitBit nuts, the Grim Reaper is coming for you no matter how many steps you take today.

img-thing

That’s my favorite Grim Reaper. He’s from a cartoon my kids watched. I thought he was particularly funny because he had a Jamaican accent. That’s the first item on my After-Life To Do List: If I’m going to allow myself to be escorted to the other realm it’s got to be him, that Jamaican Grim Reaper. It’s impossible to stay mad at anyone with a Jamaican accent. C’mon man. It will be alright. Let me show you around. Being dead ain’t no big ting… If it’s not him, I’m not going.

Prior to my death, and possibly as soon as this week, I’m going to choose my house to haunt. Who says that you have to haunt your own house? What’s to stop me from haunting the Big Brother house? There’s always people home, so I’d never be bored. I could participate by doing ghosty kind of stuff. How great would Big Brother be if the ten dolts were locked up in a haunted house for three months? And how about if the ghost gets to choose who leaves the house each week by making some mysterious sign, like a mark on a chalkboard or something? I’m totally going to pitch this idea to the producers. I’m putting it in my will just in case I don’t get the contract signed before I pass.

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List of people to haunt: I’m making this list and including in my will that invites be sent out to my funeral. Only the date of the funeral will have to be filled in.  I’m pre-signing the invites now  with the phrase “See YOU soon!” How creepy would it be to get one of those? Also, at my funeral I want every one there to stand up and read their favorite Phil Factor aloud.

Choose My After-Life Occupation: If I have eternity ahead of me, I don’t want to retire yet. Sitting around playing checkers with the old guys at McDonald’s in the afterlife sounds boring. In the after-life I’m going to be a real estate agent helping the recently deceased find the home of their dreams to haunt.

Me: This lovely colonial on a cul-de-sac has five of the living, four bedrooms and two and a half baths..

Recently Deceased: What about pets? I hate pets. Dogs always barking at me. Cats getting spooked when I’m trying to stand quietly in the corner watching TV. They can see us you know.

Me: So are pets a deal breaker for you?

Recently deceased: What about Jennifer Lopez? I’d love to haunt Jennifer Lopez.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Her house just went off the market last month. How about Justin Bieber?

Recently Deceased: Ugh. No thanks.

Phil found his time as a ghost comedian to be both odd and confusing.

Phil found his time as a ghost comedian to be both odd and confusing.

After-Life Hobbies: I never want to be all work and no play, so I’m going to be an amateur stand-up comedian in my spare time. Spare time? I’m dead. All my time is spare! See? I’m writing jokes for the after-life already. Man, I am gonna brighten that place up.

Blogging: Yup, I’m going to continue. I’ve been doing this blog for almost 11 years. Why should I let death stop me? I’ve pre-written an extra post a week for the last ten years and scheduled them to be released on a regularly after my transition to the after-life, Heck, I could be dead already and you wouldn’t know! Why else would I be writing about death?

So, as you can see, there’s lots to do in the after-life, and I don’t want to show up unprepared. What do you want to do after you die?

Have a great Sunday! ~Phil

probably wealthier than me, pass away has made me realize that it’s possible I may not be able to avoid death.  Don’t get me wrong, I still have no plans to die, but as I get older I like to hedge my bets a little. Hell, if Steve Jobs FitBit didn’t help him avoid death, what chance do I have? That’s right all you FitBit nuts, the Grim Reaper is coming for you no matter how many steps you take today.

img-thing

That’s my favorite Grim Reaper. He’s from a cartoon my kids watched. I thought he was particularly funny because he had a Jamaican accent. That’s the first item on my After-Life To Do List: If I’m going to allow myself to be escorted to the other realm it’s got to be him, that Jamaican Grim Reaper. It’s impossible to stay mad at anyone with a Jamaican accent. C’mon man. It will be alright. Let me show you around. Being dead ain’t no big ting… If it’s not him, I’m not going.

Prior to my death, and possibly as soon as this week, I’m going to choose my house to haunt. Who says that you have to haunt your own house? What’s to stop me from haunting the Big Brother house? There’s always people home, so I’d never be bored. I could participate by doing ghosty kind of stuff. How great would Big Brother be if the ten dolts were locked up in a haunted house for three months? And how about if the ghost gets to choose who leaves the house each week by making some mysterious sign, like a mark on a chalkboard or something? I’m totally going to pitch this idea to the producers. I’m putting it in my will just in case I don’t get the contract signed before I pass.

59690fcc18fece3ab7fa52fe516a622a_400x400

List of people to haunt: I’m making this list and including in my will that invites be sent out to my funeral. Only the date of the funeral will have to be filled in.  I’m pre-signing the invites now  with the phrase “See YOU soon!” How creepy would it be to get one of those? Also, at my funeral I want every one there to stand up and read their favorite Phil Factor aloud.

Choose My After-Life Occupation: If I have eternity ahead of me, I don’t want to retire yet. Sitting around playing checkers with the old guys at McDonald’s in the afterlife sounds boring. In the after-life I’m going to be a real estate agent helping the recently deceased find the home of their dreams to haunt.

Me: This lovely colonial on a cul-de-sac has five of the living, four bedrooms and two and a half baths..

Recently Deceased: What about pets? I hate pets. Dogs always barking at me. Cats getting spooked when I’m trying to stand quietly in the corner watching TV. They can see us you know.

Me: So are pets a deal breaker for you?

Recently deceased: What about Jennifer Lopez? I’d love to haunt Jennifer Lopez.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Her house just went off the market last month. How about Justin Bieber?

Recently Deceased: Ugh. No thanks.

Phil found his time as a ghost comedian to be both odd and confusing.

Phil found his time as a ghost comedian to be both odd and confusing.

After-Life Hobbies: I never want to be all work and no play, so I’m going to be an amateur stand-up comedian in my spare time. Spare time? I’m dead. All my time is spare! See? I’m writing jokes for the after-life already. Man, I am gonna brighten that place up.

Blogging: Yup, I’m going to continue. I’ve been doing this blog for almost 11 years. Why should I let death stop me? I’ve pre-written an extra post a week for the last ten years and scheduled them to be released on a regularly after my transition to the after-life, Heck, I could be dead already and you wouldn’t know! Why else would I be writing about death?

So, as you can see, there’s lots to do in the after-life, and I don’t want to show up unprepared. What do you want to do after you die?

Have a great Sunday! ~Phil