Lactose Lives Matter!

In this era where everyone preaches tolerance, I am not ashamed to admit that I am intolerant. Ok, I am ashamed a little bit about my intolerance. But, it’s not my fault. I was born this way. Yes, yes, I know you’ve held me to a higher standard and this revelation may be shocking and disappointing to some of you, but it’s time the truth came out. Some people are intolerant when it comes to other religions, races, political leanings, or nationalities. I am intolerant to lactose. Yup, that’s right. Completely intolerant. I absolutely won’t put up with it. I’m Irish and I’ve never had a Shamrock Shake. (That’s funny, it just occurred to me that “Shamrock Shake” could be the name of an Irish dance or alot of great St. Patrick’s Day sexual innuendo)

...and South Park makes it's first Phil Factor appearance

…and South Park makes it’s first Phil Factor appearance

The reason I am speaking out today about this terrible affliction, is because I am sick and tired of the vegans and gluten free people hogging the dietary disorder spotlight. Holy crap (literally if I drink milk) are those people annoying! Here’s an example of a conversation with a vegan:

Me: Hi. It’s nice to meet you. I’m Phil.

Them: I’m vegan.

Me: What? Your name is Vegan? That’s unusual.

Them: No, I’m vegan. I don’t eat meat.

Me: Ok. So what’s your name?

Them: I forget. I’ve spent so long starting every conversation by mentioning that I’m a vegan that I can’t remember my name.

The gluten free people aren’t much better, although they don’t usually introduce themselves as gluten free, but if you value your time, don’t go to a restaurant with a gluten free person. They will question every item on the menu until they find one that can be made without gluten. What the hell is gluten anyway? 15 years ago it wasn’t even a thing and now these people think they should get handicapped parking because of it.

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You know who should have handicapped parking? All of us lactose intolerant people. Are you kidding me? If we’re not home and we accidentally ingest dairy we absolutely are going need the parking spot closet to any building with a toilet. The handicapped sign in the parking lot should have a toilet on it. Seriously, that is an emergency you do not want happening in your car or in a parking lot.

If you’re not lactose intolerant, I’ll explain it to you. Imagine getting food poisoning and your bodies reaction to that. That’s pretty much what would happen to me if I had a glass of milk. And don’t give me any of that almond milk/soy milk stuff. My taste buds know that’s not real milk. If we were meant to drink almond milk, then all almonds would have little nipples on them that we could milk right?


I wish I was more technology creative so I could make creative one of those Sarah McLachlan commercials but for lactose intolerance. Cue sad music. Instead of sad puppies in cages you see sad people bent over with abdominal cramps, farting with every step as they try to make it to a bathroom before they soil themselves. Seriously, there’s got to be some celebrities that are lactose intolerant. We need a famous face for our movement! Well, another one besides me.

When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, I will pass a law allowing handicapped, (or should it be handicrapped?) parking for the lactose intolerant and I will mandate that all restaurants have a lactose free menu. Who’s with me? Bring your intolerance out into the light! Lactose lives matter!

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

10 responses to “Lactose Lives Matter!

  1. That was funny! Seriously, I had a friend who suffered for years with lactose intolerance, and they kept telling her it was her nerves. As soon as she quit milk, her nervous condition got completely better.

  2. Hilarious! Aw, Phil! No ice cream? 😩

  3. Ha, ha Phil! I don’t even have to write a poem for this one. The CheeseBergens are especially offended by the lactose intolerant…so how’s that for you? In fact we have a song called Do It With Cheese…and I quote:
    You might say you’re lactose intolerant
    But I say suck it up or you can go get bent
    If your tummy hurts then i say oh please
    Go wash it down with Tums or some antifreeze
    This is how we roll and if you want a piece
    Then do…but do it with cheese.

    Disclaimer: The CheeseBergens take no responsibility for any lactose intolerant person who may have been offended when reading these lyrics. No lactose intolerant people were hurt in the writing of these lyrics.

  4. That’s such a bummer.

    Just wondering, are you sure the Shamrock shake includes lactose? I’m only asking because I thought they were soy-based.

    Celiac is terrible, way worse than lactose intolerance, gluten is hidden in everything. Ever done the elimination diet to find out what’s killing you? Ugh. Gluten is the worst one. It’ll drive you to veganism 😉 lol
    I am not gluten-free, but I have some loved ones who are. It’s high-maintenance.

  5. Once again, you’ve started my Monday morning with a snort laugh, Phil although I too have some “issues” with lactose. Too bad it’s just not a sexy, hot button topic! Anita

  6. I have the opposite reaction to lactose, way bad too! I can get really grumpy while suffering, so everyone should be forewarned. I can’t stand the ‘substitutes’ for milk either. I have a system where I can eat lots of veggies and fruit, and then have half a Klondike, it all balances out. Seriously!

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