Tag Archives: humor

Three Things in The World That Need Fixing

And I’m the guy to fix them. As I always say, when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I will fix these three things.

1. What kind of Zone is Worse Than the Friend Zone? Time zones, that’s what’s worse. Last week I traveled for work and I was three time zones away from home. It was stupid. If I wanted to call or text someone back home I had to do math. “Well, I can’t call now because even though it’s a reasonable time here, they’ve already gone to bed.” What time should I call you? 8:00? Yes. Your time or my time? And then, when I woke up in the morning in Pacific time, half the friggin’ day was already done on the East coast. Here’s my solution: When I’m elected President, (#PHIL2020) I will abolish time zones.  Boom. Mic drop. It will be a 24 hour clock and it will the same time everywhere, ALL THE TIME. What time do you want me to call? 4:00? Boom. Done. The whole world. Yes, I’m going to be President of the whole world.

This is how healthy McDonald’s will seem

2. Not So Happy Meals: McDonald’s is making cheeseburgers available in Happy Meals only by request and reducing the size of fries that come with McNuggets. AND they’re reducing the amount of sugar in their chocolate milk. Are you kidding me? Hello McFlyDonalds! We already have almond milk! Why do we need reduced sugar chocolate milk?!!? We know how to drink water and when we walk into McDonald’s we are choosing not to drink water. If we wanted to eat healthy; if we wanted our kids to eat healthy, we wouldn’t have walked into McDonald’s in the first place.  Nobody goes to McDonald’s looking for broccoli. Stay in your lane. Do what you’re good at. As President I will invoke eminent domain and block this idiotic move.

3. Guns: I’m sick and tired of senseless violence and people blaming shootings on “mental health issues.” Guess what? We can’t get rid of mental health issues, but we can get rid of guns. As President and Sexiest Man Alive, (Yes I plan to hold both titles simultaneously. Also, as a psychic, I predict that upon reading this, People Magazine will choose to name Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau 2018’s Sexiest Man Alive in November.) Back to me. As President I will mandate that all automatic weapons and handguns be removed from the public domain. If you’re a “hunter” and you need an automatic weapon, then you’re a moron and shouldn’t be allowed to have any guns. People can still hunt deer with a normal one-shot-at-a-time shotgun, but outside of that, only law enforcement and active military can have any kind of guns. Yes, it will be a hard, long battle to get rid of guns, but it needs to be done. #ParklandStrong

Sorry that I got a little heavy there at the end, but something needs to change. Something that transcends political lines. Something that has only the best interest of people at heart. If I can pull this off, would it be so bad if I also made McDonald’s serve bad food and put the entire world on the same time? Feel free to share by one of the social media buttons below.

Have a great Saturday! #PHIL2020

Fifty Shades of…

I am absolutely outraged! Just because I’m a small time author, some big movie company thinks they can steal my title, change a word and pretend it’s their idea. My Fifty Shades of Phil book came out in June 2013, before all the Fifty Shades movies, so obviously I had the idea first. I’m considering legal action.

Because of this weeks movie opening of Fifty Shades Freed I thought I’d capitalize on all the people searching the web for info using the phrase #FiftyShades by putting my book on sale Many people may visit my site here from their smartphones and never see the link in the sidebar for my book Fifty Shades of Phil. I could tell you about the book that contains the best 50 humor essays from the first 8 years of #ThePhilFactor, but I won’t. I’ll let the reviewers do it for me:

Hilariously Funny! ~Narly Nuts Book Lovers: Phil takes us on a HILARIOUS ride of HUMOR and TRUTH! He says all the things we know to be true, but most of us likely don’t say out loud. We think it and know how we feel about the different topics. Yes, some of it is ego-centric and down right blunt, but what fun would it be if Phil wasn’t putting his spin on it.
All in all, this is a book I will recommend for laughs, wit and Phil’s oh so subtle charm. When Phil is elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, I WILL VOTE PHIL, whichever comes first.:)

Author Sean Smithson (How to Lose a Girl in 10 Ways): “Perfect read for any commute. …snappy and entertaining reading. Perfect for a very recent and uncomfortable long haul flight. Definitely do not regret picking this up.”

Now for contrast, here is an excerpt of a review of Fifty Shades Darker from USA Today: There are a lot of negative things to be said about Fifty Shades. But it does impress in one sense: The erotica lite sequel somehow manages to be worse than the stupefyingly bad Fifty Shades of Grey.”

To celebrate the movie #FiftyShadesFreed this week, I’ve put my book on sale for just $2.99 for Kindle, Nook, or in the iTunes bookstore.  I’m not sure what it is in Euro’s or GBP but you can still find it in the Amazon bookstore in every country in the world and they’ll tell you how much it is.  What? You don’t have a Kindle or Nook? You don’t need one! You can download the free Kindle or Nook app to your iPad or smartphone and then download Fifty Shades of Phil. For $2.99 you can’t go wrong. If you can read the entire thing without laughing I’ll refund your money. If you go to Fifty Shades Freed and you hate it, I doubt they’ll give you the same offer.

Have a great Friday! ~Phil

#PHIL2020

Throwback Wednesday? A Valentine’s Day Interview with The Dating Doctor

(02/13/2015) David Coleman is The Dating Doctor. Is he a doctor who is dating? Is he dating a doctor? I don’t know and it’s none of our business. What I do know is that David has spoken on relationships and leadership to audiences all over the world.  For those of you unprepared for the holiday coming up tomorrow we’ll focus on the dating part.  Don’t worry my literary friends; David’s expertise won’t be limited to just the questions I ask here.  He’s got books. Books you need to read before you do further damage to your love life.

news.uwlax.edu

news.uwlax.edu

TPF: David, thank you for taking the time to visit The Phil Factor. As you may have suspected, people read my blog. Often they’re people who spend more time relating to others online than in person. What advice about relationships do you have for people in our increasingly social media focused world?

David: To “hover” a few seconds before you hit the send button on a text, post, tweet or mail message.  Once you hit send, you have put your words, video or pictures in motion and that action cannot be reversed, and never erased, so you need to be comfortable with all the possible ramifications of the way your words or pictures are received.  Also remember, if you publicly play out your relationship on line, every day, its success or failure will be just as public as well.   

TPF: What is the biggest mistake people make early in a relationship that could doom their chances for success?

David:  They mistake infatuation for love and fall far too fast, far too soon.  Infatuation is INTENSE. It is short-lived, demanding and can turn normally rational people into “life is too short…let’s do it” optimists.  They say and do things normally reserved for couples who are a bit farther down the line in a relationship and then wonder why they, nor their partner can keep up the level of intensity they felt when they first met. 

There are three primary types of loves people experience:  Eros (Physical), Agape (Heartfelt) and Philia (Friendship).  When a couple allows infatuation to rule their actions, they often skip the development of these stages and then get very disappointed in the end when things “just didn’t work out.”

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TPF: What’s the most impactful way someone can grab the attention of someone they are interested in but don’t know in a crowded/busy social setting?

David:  Eye contact…smile…say hello.  The look you share, the words you use, the way you express yourself and the interest you show will separate you from those who didn’t have the guts to at least say hello.  Holding a gaze just for one extra moment and accompanying it with a coy smile lets that person know that among people in a crowded setting, you noticed THEM.  Then, before leaving, you need to walk up to them and say, “I just wanted you to know that I noticed you.  This is my card (or my name or my email address or my number…).  If you ever want to even have coffee, say hello and meet, it would be my honor.”  Then graciously walk away.  Take the high road. The view is always better from there!

TPF: Craziest question you’ve ever been asked? And what was your answer?

David:  A woman came up to me after a show and said, “I’ll bet you have never heard this one…My husband is having an affair…with my mother!”  This lady and her husband had a weekly sporting event they took part in, but they were on different teams.  She found out that he would skip his games and return home to be with her mother who was supposedly watching their children while they were out competing.  My advice to her was, to return home early from her game the following week and walk back into the house with several close friends as witnesses along with her so that it would not be her word against theirs and so that they would be caught red-handed in the act.  I also suggested that she get a top-notch therapist and good legal advice if she indeed intended to head in the direction of ending her marriage.  I heard from her a year later.  She was doing well, had met someone new and felt as if she was at a healthy point in her life.  Her husband had been distant and abusive for years so this unfortunate situation gave her the courage and strength to move on.  Her and her mother, “we’re still working things out.”

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TPF: Your traditional education, Bachelor’s and Master’s aren’t in Psychology or counseling. How did you come to a career in writing books and speaking on dating and relationships?

David: As an undergraduate and graduate student both of my degrees had a high degree of social work, psychology and communications in their curriculum so I received a heavy dose of human nature and communication training.  From a young age, I had the innate ability to read people, know where they were in their life and give them the advice that the needed to hear, not necessarily what they wanted to hear.  I didn’t care if people liked me, only if they learned from me and my service or advice exceeded their needs and expectations.   I also seemed to have the ability to introduce people to each other whom I felt “might hit it off.”  My outgoing personality served as a bit of an ice-breaker and allowed others to meet with me as a conduit.  Then, they could return and ask me questions and my advice seemed to really help them. Thus, a career was born.

TPF: Our mutual friend, magician James David, referred to you as “A real life Dating Doctor like Will Smith played in the movie, “HITCH!”” Would you say that’s accurate?

David: First, James is an amazing talent and magician.  I am proud to call him my friend and yes, he is accurate. What Will Smith’s character portrayed in the movie Hitch is what I do every single day professionally. Like he helped Kevin James’s character connect to the love of his life, I help 10 or more just like him in real life on a weekly basis.  I basically try to help people get out of their way as many are self-sabotaging their chances of being happy and meeting someone with whom they would be ideally compatible.  I have dozens of success stories under my belt over the past 20 years and enjoy working with people who are seeking healthy relationships and unbridled happiness.  Talk is cheap.  I am not.  I have found that people who pay a price work twice as hard as those who “want something for free.”

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TPF: In your experience, are men more clueless about what women want in a relationship, or is it the other way around?

David:  They are both mystified at times because the game keeps changing.  The speed of the internet and social media, the explosion of dating apps on our smart phones, the increase in the number of people using dating sites and the lack of real human interaction due to texting and tweeting, etc.  has made both sexes wonder just how dialed in they are to the opposite sex.  You also have an increase in the number of people identifying themselves as bi-sexual, a-sexual, pansexual, transgender…and this keeps both men and women wondering, learning, experimenting and searching for people like me to help them navigate the often treacherous waters of dating, relationships, romance, sex, marriage, divorce and dating after divorce.   This is why I try to stay dialed in to the current trends and am not afraid to have candid dialogue with my clients and audiences.  You never get a wasted day back, so spending time heading in the wrong direction or paralyzed by fear is simply unacceptable.

TPF: David, thank you again for taking time out of what must certainly be a very busy week for you. For those that want to learn more about David, including his book on leadership as well as his books on relationships you can visit his website,   www.DatingDoctor.com and follow him on Facebook and Twitter.  Seriously, check out his website. He has some pretty impressive accolades. If you’d like some of David’s coaching you can call or e-mail him too!  Direct Coaching:  1-866-Date-Smart (1-866-328-3762) or email: TheDatingDoctor@mac.com

As always, if you want to share the love you get from #ThePhilFactor please hit the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog buttons below. Is there any better gift for your Valentine than The Phil Factor? Umm…nevermind. Don’t answer that.

Top Ten Tuesday! Top Ten Rejected Candy Heart Sayings

You know those chalky candy hearts that for the better part of a century have been shared on Valentine’s Day? They’re so cute with their little candy inscriptions of “I love you” or “Hugs” or other nonsense. I imagine though that there were some ideas that didn’t make it.

10. It’s not you, it’s me

9. Not a cold sore

8. Maybe Next Time

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7. Better late than never

6. It’s eczema. Yes, there.  I swear.

5. The Phil Factor

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4. My last test was clean

3. You paying for dinner?

2. Almost divorced

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1. It’s not yours!

Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you! One of the things I’m in love with is comments. What are your funny ideas for rejected candy hearts sayings?

Have a great day, Valentine’s or otherwise! ~Phil

#PHIL2020

The Casino Walking Dead

For work I had to spend the last week in a hotel with a casino. It was a very nice hotel. About 3/4 of the bottom floor was a casino. That is an interesting scene. And when I say interesting, I mean it in the way a doctor would say, “Interesting…” when he looks at the lab result and sees that you have a bizarre and almost unheard of disease.

There seem to be two crowds at the casino: There’s Ma and Pa Kettle from middle America who are built like they eat nothing but dairy products and carbohydrates. They’re always squeezed in a sausage like fashion into the jersey of their favorite sports team.

The second group is the opposite of Ma and Pa Kettle. This group LOVES to go out to the casino for the night. The guys are decked out in $100 jeans with pointy leather shoes, a shirt that looks bedazzled but isn’t, and an invisible cloud of body spray surrounding them.

The women that hang on their arms probably have to hang on their arms because they’re feeling faint from the body spray aroma. I think these women are trying to attract men the same way fisherman attract fish. They wear tiny shiny cocktail dresses that are the equivalent a flashy metallic fishing lure.  It seems to work.  Of course the women catch men, the tiny dresses literally prevent them from doing anything but walking forward with very tiny little steps. God forbid they drop something and have to bend over to pick it up. We’d all have a view their gynecologist would envy.

To be fair, up until about 11:00 pm the casino crowd looks fun. Everything is glitzy and there’s music and happy cheering at the Craps tables. After 11:00 pm once this crowd has either lost or won and is in an alcohol fueled amplified emotional state things get ugly. Gamblers who’ve lost are drowning their sorrows and those who won are celebrating by giving their winnings back buying drinks. The cocktail dresses who caught their man hitting on a different cocktail dress are on the couch in the corner looking like mascara raccoons.

Ma and Pa Kettle are still there, not having left the same slot machine they sat down at after clearing the entire buffet upstairs. Playing the slots is something I just don’t get. Now in the 21st century the slots are not one armed bandits, but computers. So you put your money in and a computer that’s owned by the casino will let you know if you win. Hmm..I wonder whose best interest they have at heart?

After 11:00 still isn’t the worst. Oh no, it gets worse. Far worse. I’m an early riser. I get up around 5:00 a.m. I start my day with a cup of coffee. In a hotel with a casino, they don’t put a coffee maker in your room because they want you out of your room spending money. So, I had to go down to the coffee shop in the casino. Remember the glitzy people at 11:00 pm? They’re still there and they’ve turned into the walking dead. Still smoking, drinking and gambling. Their eyes that were once as shiny as their cocktail dresses now look sunken and hollow. The men are glassy eyed but still putting away drinks. Now the body spray aura around them is replaced by the smell of smoke, sweat and desperation. They’re the walking dead but they just don’t know it yet. Behind the shiny cocktail dresses and Ed Hardy t-shirts, their tiny hearts are still beating slowly but their mind has left the building.

Sorry there’s not more pictures. I did this from my phone while traveling! I’ve had so many flight delays that I’m not sure I’ll ever get home. ~Phil

The Winter Olympics: Is That Still A Thing?

Will I watch the Olympic opening ceremonies? No. I saw the Super Bowl half-time show last weekend. That’s enough pomp and circumstance for me for the month.  Is it just me or are the Olympic opening ceremonies just a cross between an elaborate drama club production and a marching band half-time show?

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Not only am I not interested in the opening ceremonies, but the Winter Olympics in general are the equivalent of televised Liquid NyQuil. You can’t possibly get me to believe that virtually every Olympian has overcome decades of great personal tragedy to reach their lofty goal.  I think the networks spend more time telling you about the athletes than they do letting you watch them.

Olympic Announcer 1: “Welcome to Seoul, South Korea! Here we are at the first round of the 10,000 Meter Cross Country Skiing Championship. The favorite in the event is the Swede, Signard Snuffleupagusmussen.”

Olympic Announcer 2: “Very few people know this, but Signard had to overcome decades of great personal tragedy to reach his lofty goal.”

Olympic Announcer 1: “You don’t say? How unusual!”

Olympic Announcer 2: That’s right Announcer 1. As a child, Signard was afflicted with near paralyzing ingrown toenails. His doctors told Signard’s parents that it was possible that little Signard would have to wear open-toed shoes forever. His hopes of being an Olympic cross-country skier looked hopeless. “

Olympic Announcer 1: “Also, in a frigid, Nordic country such as Sweden, there is no season good for open-toed shoes. Fortunately for the viewers we have a 30-minute video clip of Signard training with his specially made open-toed ski boots. What courage it must have taken!”

Olympic Announcer 2: As if that weren’t enough of a challenge Signard was born left-handed and still struggles to button his shirts properly to this day!

Ok, I may watch a bit of the opening ceremonies. All I’ve got to say is that the Winter Olympics need to be cancelled because apparently there isn’t a country in the world that can find a good looking winter hat for their teams to wear.  Also, I’m moving to the Phillipines. First off, the country is named after me, and secondly, they only have one Olympian. I’m pretty sure I could make the team there. Just by virtue of growing up in upstate New York I have better Nordic skills than everyone in the Phillipines.

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What’s the deal with the Biathalon? You ski for a bit and then you pull out a rifle and shoot at things. That sounds like terrorist training for Nordic countries.  Although, have you ever noticed that terrorist acts never take place in cold weather countries? If the Olympic committee wants to stop worrying about terrorist attacks at the Olympics they should just award the Games to Greenland every four years.

In my esteemed opinion almost all Winter Olympic events are just stuff kids do when they’re playing outside on Christmas break. Luge? Skeleton? Bobsled? Sledding, sledding, and more sledding! We could all do that!  Figure skating? That’s just toddler pageants on ice! Snowboarding? I bet you could go to any ski mountain anywhere in the world and find a dozen teenagers high on pot doing better tricks than Shaun White.

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor in the spirit of the Olypmics please share it by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or other share buttons below. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

Picture credits: funy-potato.com and adventure.howstuffworks.com

Top Ten Tuesday! The Ten Worst Superheroes

Photo by Edy Hardjo & featured on DigitalSynopsis.com

Lately it seems that every month there’s a new blockbuster super hero movie coming out. That got me to thinking, what if the superheroes were just a little bit different…

1. Wonder Bread Woman: She makes one heck of a PB&J. She leaves a plate of them out and hopes the villains get hungry.

Aquaman is property of DC Comics

2. AquaNet Man: He has a beautiful head of hair and knows what to do with it.

3. Super Pooper Man: He knocks out bad guys with lactose intolerance induced flatulence. A glass of milk is his kryptonite.

4. Spider Veins Man: He always wears short shorts but probably shouldn’t. His legs look so bad the criminals surrender out of sympathy.

5. Captain ‘Murica: He’s a redneck that chases villains in his car crushing monster truck. He just rolls down the window and throws Bud Light cans at them.

6. Iron Man: He really should be Ironic Man because his name is ironic. He’s called iron man because he’s anemic and has to take iron supplements all day. He tires quickly. The criminals keep running until he wears down and has to quit.

7. Green Lantern: It’s actually just an eleven year old kid with one of those plastic light sabers that lights up green and makes that cool noise when you swing it around. He tries to entertain the bad guys until the cops show up.

Picture courtesy of despair.com

8. The Flash-er: He just opens his trench coat and hopes the bad guys are so surprised that they stop what they’re doing. There’s also warrants for his arrest in seven states and he’s not allowed within 500 feet of schools.

9. The Invisible Woman: She has cyber relationships with lots of guys but nobody has ever met her. It’s probably just a creepy old dude.

10.  Green Arrow: Let me get this straight, his super power is being really good at archery? Back in school the archery team was for the people that weren’t athletic enough to make the bowling team. You know the saying, don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Don’t bring an arrow either. Someone will shoot you. With a bullet.

Have a super Tuesday! ~Phil

#PHIL2020