Tag Archives: humor

Throwback Thursday! Jesus of Suburbia

I’m posting this because one person on the internet found and read this today. It’s a post that I wrote in July of 2011. When it showed up in my stats that someone had found this through Google, I honestly could not remember what this was about. So I read it and I thought to myself, “This is pretty damn funny and I’m sure some other strangers on the internet would enjoy this.” 

(July 21, 2011) Well, it happened again. God spoke to someone through the image of Jesus Christ on a receipt from a South Carolina Walmart. Oh wait, that’s never happened before.

Apparently Gentry Lee Sutherland and her fiancée’ Jacob Simmons. Yes, her name is ‘Gentry Lee’. If that isn’t a sign her parents worshipped Satan I don’t know what is. She and Jacob picked up a few things at Walmart, left the receipt on their kitchen table and a few days later when they looked at the receipt the image of Jesus Christ was on the receipt. Then again, take a look at that picture, how can we be sure that’s not Osama Bin Laden or Ted Nugent or Jesus’ lesser known brother Dominick, speaking to us through the receipt? And if it is Ted Nugent, I’m curious about what he has to say. He hasn’t put out an album in like forever!

I’ve got to give credit to whomever is speaking through the Walmart receipt. Apparently they’ve given up the age-old, tried and true method of speaking to their followers by placing their image on toast, pancakes, potato chips, or a water stain on a wall.

Think about it; if you are an omnipotent deity with cosmic powers, are you going to screw around putting your likeness on something that by chance could fall into the hands or mouth of an atheist at a pub who looks at his cheese doodle and says, “Oh look mate, there’s a face on my cheese doodle, crunch, crunch, crunch. Hey bartender, we’re out of cheese doodles over here.”

If God is an omnipotent deity with cosmic powers and does want to speak to his or her followers (See? I put his or her. Look how enlightened I am. I hear the chicks dig that),  why wouldn’t he or she send us all a text message? I’m pretty sure that omnipotence includes mastery of modern technology. Or perhaps take over Netflix. “Hi everyone, this is God here. I’d like to interrupt your regularly scheduled programming for this important message…”

When I’m a deity I’m not going to waste my time putting my face in snack foods or receipts. People will wake up one day and suddenly there will be an extra head on Mt. Rushmore, or the Eiffel Tower will be bent into the shape of my profile. That’s how you get the word out that you’re the guy to worship.

Either these snack food/receipt Gods aren’t very bright, or the people who see them are just seeing what they want to see. And if putting your face in people’s food is the way Gods go about getting publicity, why doesn’t anyone claim to see Satan in their Corn Flakes? If Coke is running a big add campaign you can bet Pepsi will counter it. Satan needs to get off his fiery, red ass and get to work. He’s losing customers. Then again, how many of you women have eaten a whole pint of Ben & Jerry’s while watching a Lifetime movie on a lonely Saturday night and said, “The devil made me do it”?

If you get the “Jesus of Suburbia” reference in the title of this post and explain it in a comment below you win 10,000 Phil Factor points that can be redeemed for a t-shirt at The Phil Factor gift shop. If you enjoy my nonsense follow me on X @ThePhilFactor so that you can say “I knew him before he started showing up on people’s receipts and potato chips.”

Have a great Thursday! Thanks for reading! ~ Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! 10 Things I Won’t Eat

Are you wondering how the title goes with that picture of a guinea pig? Read on! I’ve eaten some weird things in my life, but there are some things I just won’t touch. If I were to go on a reality show like Survivor or Naked and Afraid, I’d be fine with eating bugs and snakes. This may be tempting fate, but here are ten things I will never eat intentionally.

10. Mustard: I believe that this is a substance spawned in the bowels of hell. I put only ketchup on my hot dogs. I can throw up right now if I just think about mustard long enough. Moving on…

9. Onions: I’d rather eat broken glass. I can tolerate some onion powder in a dish, I’m OK with the flavor, but not the texture of onions in my mouth.

8. Other humans: Like I said, I may be tempting fate here, but cannibalism just seems to be in bad taste. Of course if my plane goes down in the Andes mountains and we run out of peanuts… As an aside, I was once told by a family historian that a couple hundred years ago some of my ancestors may have partaken in human flesh. They were in Canada and it was a tough winter. Surely, that’s understandable, right?

7. Brains: Not human of course. In many countries it’s not unusual to eat animal brains. The brain reportedly is the most nutritionally dense part of any animal. It just seems wrong. What if in some comic book type plot I suddenly starting thinking like and talking like the animal whose brain I ate? I’d probably fail as a zombie.

6. Seahorses: They’re served fried on a stick in China. I think they’re cute and have a look of intelligence. I hate eating cute animals.

seahorses

5. Guinea pig: Here’s the reason for the picture at the top of this article. Often eaten in South American countries. Umm…no thanks. I find them ugly when they’re alive. Why would I put them in my mouth?  Did you know that if you pick them up by their tail their eyes will pop out?

4. Kiviak: This one makes we want to puke just thinking about it. Kiviak is a traditional Inuit (Eskimo) food from Greenland. They take a seal, dead I hope, and stuff it with 500 birds, also dead I hope, and then bury it under the ground to ferment for months. It is said to help the Inuits combat vitamin deficiencies in their diet. Haven’t the Inuits ever heard of taking actual vitamins? Someone get them a wi-fi signal! (I was going to put a picture in for this one, but all the pictures of it were very off putting in the morning.

3. Deviled eggs: I eat hard boiled eggs, scrambled eggs, fried eggs and most any other kind of eggs. Won’t touch a deviled egg. It just looks wrong. Ugh, and adding the paprika on top makes it look wronger.

2. Smalahove: It’s sheeps head. They eat it in Norway. I’ll eat just about any animal, but at least take the face off first.

sheeps

1. Pickles: Of all the things on this list this is the one I would choose last if forced to. If I’m on a reality show and the challenge is to eat a pickle with mustard I bow out immediately no matter how much money is on the line. It’s the sour, awful vinegar. I can’t get past the smell. I held a pickle once but couldn’t bring myself to eat it.

So what foods are your kryptonite and why?

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Signs Your Parents Are Swingers

1. Pineapples: There is an abundance of pineapples and pineapple images in and around their home. If the pineapples are upside down, that’s proof positive that they play well with others.

2. Flamingos: If you show up to visit your folks at The Villages in Florida and this is their front yard, just turn around and go. Text them that your flight was canceled. You don’t want to know.

Picture from Hedonism.com

3. Gold wedding bands replaced by a black ring: Apparently in certain crowds, gold and diamonds are not a girls best friend.

4 & 5 Garden pampas grass and white landscaping rocks?? I really don’t get this one. Using tacky landscaping to advertise your sexual proclivities? After all that yard work, who has energy for sex?

CosySpa Inflatable Hot Tub

5. Having a hot tub: About a month ago my neighbors across the street put a hot tub in their garage. It’s winter here, so that’s understandable. But are Gabe and Sheila trying to send me and my wife a sign?

PIc from Giftware by Roman

6. Garden Gnomes: Is nothing sacred? Garden gnomes? Really? Are you folks so desperate that you’ll hump anyone who spruces up their yard ?!!?

Image from Reddit, TikTok, New York Post or Daily Mail.

7. Loofahs: Apparently the horny folks in The Villages, Florida have adopted a color code system with loofahs on their cars to advertise their proclivities to others. Or have they? Some residents are pushing back on this rumor, saying that they do it so they can find their car in crowded parking lots. Methinks they doth protest too much!

8. You catch your parents having sex with your neighbors: This one is pretty self/explanatory. Has this ever happened to you?

9. Friends of friends? Apparently this is swinger code. If you’re at a social gathering and ask someone how they met and the answer is “We’re friends of friends” then they might be swingers who met at a party.

10. Wristbands? Remember those yellow Lance Armstrong wristbands? I wore one. Apparently nowadays the swinging crowd has the wristband game going on. And no, don’t ask, I don’t know where to get those.

I published this mostly to cause people to freak out about their parents. It could be your parents or your neighbors. Chances are that you know swingers somewhere in your life but don’t know who they are. Use these signs to find out who is really working for the weekend.

If you want to find out more about interesting things that go on in The Villages, Florida, you can read the book Leisureville: Adventures in a World Without Children

If you want to read the recent Daily Mail article about the loofah scandal here’s THE LINK

Addendum: Due to feedback from readers, two more signs of swingers are those big metal stars people put on their house and Adirondack chairs. Contributor credit to V. Donovan of www.coolbeans4.wordpress.com , go check out her awesome blog.

Have a great week! ~Phil

Copyright ThePhilFactor 2023

The Phil Factor Grammy Awards!

I’ve never given Grammy Awards before, but when I saw that the Recording Academy of the United States would be awarding them next Sunday, I of course decided that I’d beat them to the punch.

When I hear the word Grammy, I don’t think of popular music, I think of my kids Grammy. Where would we be without Grammys? Who would watch the kids when we go out? Who picks them up from school when we can’t get out of that work meeting? And who buys our kids those presents that we would never get for them?

Picture from Adobe Stock images

Without further adieu, here are The Phil Factor Grammy nominees!

Grandmother Peggy Collinsworth of Arcadia, California saved her four year old grandson Matthew from a coughing fit when she swiftly pulled a hard butterscotch candy out of her bra and gave it to Matthew, soothing his sore throat.

Grammy Dot Cullen of  St. Paul, Minnesota is nominated for buying her grandson Ralphie an official Red Ryder carbine action, 200-shot, range model air rifle for Christmas when his mom said no because “you’ll shoot your eye out!”

Grammy Judy Winkleman  of Secaucus, New Jersey is nominated for babysitting her twin granddaughters Rachel and Amy and letting them stay up way past their bedtime so they could watch the rest of the Wednesday series on Netflix, and master the Wednesday dance to impress their friends in school. Rachel and Amy didn’t get bed until their parents were just pulling into the driveway!

Great Grammy Miss Faye of Oakland, California is nominated for attacking a thief who grabbed her neighbors purse. She beat him with her cane until he dropped the purse and ran away. This one is a true story. I love stories like this one.

Our last nominee is  Grammy Nancy King of Scottsdale, Arizona who, after recently learning to use Facebook on her phone, liked and commented on every post from the last four years on each of her grandchildren’s pages.

Have a great Sunday and appreciate your Grammy! ~Phil

Welcome to the Future: My Psychic Predictions for 2023

That’s me in the crystal ball. I’m not the lady

This is my favorite post to write each year. Partly because I get to use that picture above and partly because I’m mostly serious but no one believes me. I’ve  had a lifetime of undisciplined, untrained, unintentional psychic experiences that have led me to know that I see the future.  Some of what I predict here is a dead serious look at what I see in the future and some of it is silly for silly’s sake. Of course, sometimes my silly predictions have come true. <– click for the 2016 Courtney Kardashian prediction that I nailed)

Just to certify my bonafides as the kids say (the kids aren’t saying it yet, but by the end of 2023…) take a look at my predictions from last year.

The Real Psychic Predictions for 2023: 

Picture from Buzzfeed

Who Will Pete Davidson be dating? A shorter list might be who Pete Davidson isn’t dating. Right now, rumors have him dating Australian actress Emily Ratajkowski (Gone Girl, We Are Your Friends), but lets be honest, is Pete ever going to settle down? No he is not. Will his dalliance with Emily lead to marriage? No, it will lead to 53 year old Mariah Carey. Yes, that’s my prediction.  29 year old Pete and Mariah. Book it. And when that ends could it be Britney…? Also, based on his relationship spree over the past few years Pete Davidson will be named 2023’s Sexiest Man Alive.

Picture property of NPR

Will Life on Earth End? No, but it will seem precarious at one point during the first half of the year. The war in Ukraine is at the center of that. And don’t forget about Kim Jong Un of North Korea. He’s going to make some noise in 2023.

Picture Harper’s Bazaar and Getty Images

How Long Will King Chuck Reign? We all know I love my Royals. After Phil Factor favorite Queen Liz crossed the rainbow bridge, Prince Charles ascended to the throne. Sadly his reign will be short. He will be done in by Covid during 2023 and Prince William will become King. Having heard of the accuracy of my predictions, King Will will hire me as a full time advisor to the throne. Also, Prince Harry, after his separation with Meghan, will begin a relationship with Canadian singer Avril Lavigne.

picture property of iStock

Will everything be expensive forever? Nobody is going to make it rain, and the world economy will seem bleak in the first three months of 2023, but March through May will show some positive signs of potential growth. In the second half of 2023 a long, slow recovery will begin. It won’t get back to where it was before the recession, but it will be better and moving in the right direction.

Australian Archeologists Discover 4th Hemsworth Brother! In an Australian desert, archeologists will unearth what they believe to be the fourth devastatingly handsome Hemsworth brother. He will have fallen asleep and became covered in drifting sand when found. Apparently he got lost on a walkabout looking for the beach. People Magazine  has already named him Sexiest Man Alive for 2023.

I hope you enjoyed my look ahead. Obviously that last one is fanciful, unless I buried a male model in the Australian desert. I’m not saying I did, but if it happens, those aren’t my fingerprints.

If you have any questions you’d like me to answer psychically, please put them in the comments and I will reply. Keep in mind that I cannot do a personal reading or answer specific personal questions of people I haven’t met. Best wishes to you and yours in the new year!

Psychically Yours, Phil

Copyright 2022 ThePhilFactor.com

Sexiest Man Alive?!!? (2022)

Chris Evans ogling Elizabeth Olsen

Hey People Magazine, really? Is this what it’s come to? You’re giving Sexiest Man Alive to Chris Evans? What happened, did you run out of Hemsworths? No, you did not. Luke Hemsworth is still out there and you picked this guy?!!? Apparently anyone who gets a job in a Marvel movie is eligible to be Sexiest Man Alive. And here he is in that picture ogling the wholesome Elizabeth Olsen, my favorite of the Olsen twins. I expect the Sexiest Man Alive to exhibit better decorum than that. I ask you People Magazine, are there any pictures circulating on the interwebs of me lasciviously eyeing an Olsen twin?  No there is not.

Normally, in addition to mocking the current Sexiest Man Alive, I would make my case as to why I should have been chosen. This year I’d like to nominate a few other candidates that I feel are far more deserving of the award than Chris Evans, me, or any Hemsworth you might dig up.

Volodymyr Zelensky went from lawyer to comedian to President of a small country that most people didn’t think much about until last February. He has lead his small country against a huge country with infinitely more resources and is impossibly holding their own despite limited help from other countries. When the United States offered to fly him out of his country early in the war, he replied “The fight is here. I need ammunition, not a ride.”  That’s better than any line Chris Evans ever uttered in a movie. I can’t tell you how many women I know that immediately thought Volodymyr was sexy AF.

This man is heroic but is not married to Savannah Guthrie…yet

You know how there are hundreds of movies about airplane pilots passing out or whatever and some random passenger takes over and with the help of air traffic control folks over  the radio manages to land a plane and save everyone’s life? This guy, Darren Harrison, did just that in real life. That is effing sexier than making a superhero movie.

This man is the Sexiest Man Alive to cancer patients.

How about some more love for platelet donors? Platelet donors save the lives of countless cancer patients. It’s not a comfortable process. It takes about two hours and you can’t move your arms the whole time.  You’re also really cold because they take your blood out of one arm, filter the platelets out of the blood and then put that blood, now much cooler, back in through the other arm. So for two hours you’re cold, you’ve got needles in both arms, and you can’t move to scratch an itch. It’s like a kind of torture. But there are people that do it every two weeks, saving countless lives of people they don’t even know. At the end they get some juice and free Cheez-Its.

People like Zelenskyy, Darren Harrison, and every platelet donor ought to be winning awards and being put on magazine covers instead of  some pampered pretty boy who memorized a few lines.

Have a great Sunday, and go donate some platelets or just whole blood if you can! In the States, American Red Cross donation centers are open now. ~Phil

copyright ThePhilFactor 2022

The Top Ten Ways to Tell if You Are A Boomer

I don’t think being a certain age means that you’re a “boomer”. My impression is that boomers are the Karens of people over 50. (Although, I think every Karen no matter what age is a Boomer) Being a boomer isn’t a specific age though, it’s more a state of mind.  There are still cool people over 50, and there are 40 year olds that act like Boomers.  Here are the top ten ways to know if you are a Boomer:

10. If you’re not worried that you might be a boomer, you’re either getting your student loans forgiven, or you’re already too far gone. Boomers are blissfully unaware that their Brady Bunch quotes might not be relevant to their grandkids. C’mon, who remembers “pork chops and applesauce”? Am I right?

9. If you just googled “Boomers age range“, you might be a Boomer. (And happily, I’m still in the Gen X range.)

8. If someone calls you Karen, and you try to correct them with your real name, you might be a Boomer. 

7. If you still buy batteries for your Jitterbug flip phone, you might be a Boomer. 

6. If you watch 60 Minutes on both the clock and the tv, you are definitely a Boomer.  

5. If you’re wearing Skechers right now: If it’s too much work to bend over and tie your shoes, you might be a Boomer.

4. If you use a three foot long shoe horn to put your Skechers on, you might be a boomer. To be honest, if you use any kind of shoe horn, you are totally a Boomer.

3. If you still have the same blog that you started in 2005 instead of a TikTok, you might be a Boomer. (present company excluded of course)

2. If you’ve never had tendonitis from playing video games, you might be a Boomer. 

1.  If you ever start any sentence with the words “In my day…” you are definitely a boomer. Also, if you are insulted by any of these, you are….

Hopefully whether you’re a boomer or not, you found some humor in this. If you didn’t, then you might be a Karen/Boomer! If you’ve got other Boomer jokes feel free to add them in the comments.

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Copyright 2022 ThePhilFactor.com

It’s The Great Pumpkin Spice Latte Charlie Brown

I was also going to name this “A Pumpkin Flavored Phil Factor”. It’s that time of year, again. Sigh.  It has begun. Pumpkin flavored everything is back in stores! WTH? Seriously, are pumpkins such a wonderful delicacy that we have to flavor EVERYTHING with them? Why pumpkin? Is there any other time of year where a flavor takes over the country for a couple months? Around the winter holidays why isn’t there nog flavored everything? Around St. Patrick’s Day we’ve got our Shamrock Shakes, but that’s about it. How about this? I’m going to give you a list of ten pumpkin flavored items below and you try to guess which one isn’t real.

1. Coffee

2. Beer

3. Donuts

4. Candy

5. Soda pop

6. Potato chips

7. Pasta

8. Cookies

9.  Vodka

10. Smoothies

Guess what? They all are real! That’s too much pumpkin flavored stuff. What’s next, pumpkin-flavored fish sandwiches at McDonald’s? This time of year it’s actually an effort not to accidentally eat something pumpkin flavored. This madness must end!  When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law stating that any company that produces a pumpkin flavored food item has to have it approved through a special sub-committee and if it is just too stupid of an idea they will not be allowed to sell it. If you know of any other odd pumpkin flavored foods or drinks please share them in a comment.

As always, if you enjoy what you read at #ThePhilFactor and want to support my bid for President, or Sexiest Man Alive, please hit the Facebook or Twitter share buttons.

Welcome to Phil’s NyQuil Chicken Restaurant!

NyQuil Chicken

(This is a proactive disclaimer for those who take everything waaay to seriously: This entire blog post is a joke. I am probably not seriously suggesting you do anything I say here. You’re an adult. Think for yourself.)

Does anyone remember my post from four years ago about snorting Tide Pods? This has an eerie familiarity. Yes, TikTok, the arbiter of all things cool, has brought us the NyQuil chicken challenge!  At first I wondered if bored farmers were giving their chickens NyQuil and then watched them fall asleep. Knowing famers, I was a little worried what they might do to those chickens after they fell asleep. But no, there are no victims.

People are making chicken with NyQuil and it puts them to sleep. You know what else it does? It makes people feel better when they have a cold or flu! Is that so bad? I don’t think so, which is why I’m going to open a restaurant where I’ll serve popular dishes with different medications mixed in.

What could be better than that when you’re sick? Go to a restaurant feeling lousy, have your favorite meal and you feel better later? It’s like a Walgreens Pharmacy and Red Lobster had a baby!

The Medicine Restaurant and Bar in Birmingham, England

Come in. Let me take you to your table. Have a seat. I will need your medical history before you order. We don’t want any of those pesky allergic reactions. Take a look at the menu:

All pictures are not mine and were “borrowed” from better websites than mine.

NyQuil Chicken: A beautiful chicken breast grilled with olive oil, Mediterranean spices and NyQuil. Guaranteed to satisfy your palate, relieve cold symptoms and help you get a good nights sleep.

Ritalin Redfish

Ritalin Redfish Cajun Style: Enjoy this savory sea treat with cajun spices that will wake up your tongue while the Ritalin wakes up your brain. Please consult your physician before finishing your appetizer.

Anxiety Alfredo

Anxiety Alfredo: Feeling a little anxious or over-stressed? Nothing calms my mind more than a bowl of pasta, especially when it has a little something extra soothing for your nerves. Feeling a little too gonzo? Maybe you need a little benzo. It’s what gives our alfredo that silky smooth aftertaste.

Tepezza Taco Tuesday: Problems with your thyroid? Are your eyes looking a little too big? Then stop by for Tepezza Taco Tuesday! If you’ve got two eyes you get two tacos for the price of one! (Tepezza did not give me consent to use the name of their medication.)

I’m just getting started. Wait until you see the drink menu. You don’t need to tip our waitresses but please pay your copay on the way out.

Anywho, it’s up to you if you add meds to your food, but please consult your physician and don’t take me seriously.

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

Are You An Upside-Down Pineapple?

So last Friday I posted this picture of myself on social media. Every Friday this summer I’m posting a pick of myself in a Hawaiian shirt. I have quite the collection.

But the picture above garnered more comments and attention than my usual Hawaiian shirt pictures. I bet that some of you know why. I didn’t and was surprised why this shirt caught peoples attention. About 60% of the pineapples on the shirt are upside down. I thought that was odd, but just figured that Old Navy was getting rid of some misprint shirts cheap. I was very naïve for thinking that.

Traditionally the pineapple is a symbol of welcoming. Flags and signs like the one above can be seen all over the world indicating welcome and friendship. Apparently some people use the upside down pineapple as a symbol of being really, really friendly.

As it turns out, the upside down pineapple when displayed on your clothing or as a decoration on your house indicates that you’re a swinger! According to google, the informal definition of the word swinger is “a person who engages in group sex or the swapping of sexual partners.” 

Now all those pineapple upside down cakes that my mom used to make suddenly seem very suspicious. That could explain why us kids had to go to bed when they invited the neighbors over for parties in the basement. Now I’m wondering if our basement was a secret sex dungeon. I’m also wondering if Old Navy is really a swingers cult. When does the deception end? Is my dad really my dad, or was it my next door neighbor? Now that I’ve worn the shirt, am I a swinger? Is someone swinging with me right now?!!?

When the weather turns cold I’m getting this sweatshirt

Suddenly thanks to one of my favorite fruits, my whole life is a lie. If you want to read a little more about swinger symbols so you can either encourage or avoid attention read this fun article from Men’s Health magazine. And if you are an upside down pineapple, well, you already know what to do!  ; )

Have a great day! ~Phil

copyright ThePhilFactor 2022