Tag Archives: humor

Fun With Search Terms: The Father’s Day Edition!

When most of us were kids, Google was our dad. There was no internet or search engines. If you wanted to know something you had two choices: break open that giant set of encyclopedias that your parents bought twenty years ago or ask your dad. Dad was supposed to know everything, right? Only now that we’re parents we know that our parents didn’t know everything and were making all their answers up.

Now though, we can search the internet for answers. Unfortunately, when you ask the internet questions,  sometimes the internet keeps those questions so a blogger can make fun of them later, like now. Today. That is what I’m doing. Here are the funniest/weirdest search terms that brought readers to #ThePhilFactor over the last three months:

Gary Spivey on Trump Impeachment: I will take any opportunity to post a picture of Gary Spivey, Psychic Medium because I’m jealous of his fame and fortune. And hair. We have a lot in common. We have great hair and both he and I have predicted a premature end to the term of he who shall not be named. Also, I predicted I would interview Gary for The Phil Factor this year. He knows it’s going to happen.

MTV music video font: From my old days working on MTV I stole their font and have been using it.

Philthy Animal Old: I take exception to Google deciding that my blog, or me in particular, is the answer to this search term. It’s like Google is mocking me personally.

Funeral Fun: That’s right! Need entertainment for your funeral? Just call 1-800-Phil-Factor! I will emcee with humor and empathy!

“phil factor” bill gates: Yes, I’m the Bill Gates of blogging.

Phil is leaving memes: You’re damn right I’m leaving memes. I’m a meme dropping machine. And I’m sassy.

real sexting conversations to read in hindi: This goes back to a post from 2015 and since I published that, the views and this search term haven’t stopped. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. That’s ok. You Hindi speaking people feel free to fly your freak flag at The Phil Factor anytime you want. I’m here for you.

Have a great Sunday and Happy Father’s Day to all the Dads out there! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! The Top Ten Best TV Doctors

The medical drama or comedy is a staple of television lineups on just about any network, any night of the week. Who though, are the best television doctors of all time? Here’s my list. If you have other ideas, please leave a comment.

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10. Dr. Perry Cox, Scrubs: He was the biggest jerk ever on a medical show, but he was hilarious as he abused the residents. Scrubs was also a very underrated great show.

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9. House: Overrated show. If you watched the first three episodes you could see the formula every other episode followed: Strange symptoms, they think it’s something, but then almost kill the patient twice while trying to figure it out and in the end House has some brilliant insight and saves the day.  All that being said, Hugh Laurie is a great actor.

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8. Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman: A smokin’ hot woman out on the frontier saving lives? #badass

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7. Doogie Howser,MD: This is more of a lifetime achievement award for Neil Patrick Harris because he was so good on How I Met Your Mother.

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6. Dr. John Watson: Played impeccably by Martin Freeman, who is in everything.

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5. Dr. Spock from the original Star Trek show. Only the original will do.

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4. Dr. Meredith Grey: I think I saw the first episode and never watched it again, but people love it, so here she is. Spoiler alert: There will be no Dr. McDreamy.

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3. Dr. Seuss, aka Theodor Suess Geisel. Dude could rhyme anything. He was a rapper before rapping was a thing. My kids had a Dr. Suess book I’d read to them in a rap cadence and they hated that. The guy that created the Grinch has to be on any list of doctors.

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2. Dr. Hawkeye Pierce, played by Alan Alda on MASH for 11 years. In the early seasons, about the only time his character didn’t have a martini was when he was in surgery.

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1. Dr. Who: Look, I know a lot of you Americans have never seen the show, but Dr. Who has a 50 year run going. You’ve gotta respect that. Also, not only does Dr. Who save lives, he saves planets and universes on a daily basis. They’ve changed the actor who plays the doctor twelve times and people just keep watching.

That’s my list. Who would you add or take away? And why?

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Chip & Joanna Gaines: The Evil Among Us

Yes, that’s right. I hate Chip and Joanna Gaines. Do I know Chip & Joanna? No! Of course not. And I don’t want to. Who would? Am I right?

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That is them. For cripes sake Chip! You’re a wealthy man. Get a haircut and shave your face. You look like you just got done standing on a street corner asking for money so you can feed your dog that’s also homeless with you.

Let me take a step back and explain for my readers from other countries. Chip and Joanna Gaines are a married couple who renovate homes. The problem is that someone decided to make a television show about them. The TV show isn’t even that bad. It’s fine that they’re all cutesy with each other. But, I don’t believe it. Light cannot exist without dark. If there is no dark, then what is light? Mark my words, they are E.V.I.L. Evil with a capital E.

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My problem with them is their pervasiveness. They are everywhere. Our world is filled with Chip & Joanna. They’re the American Harry and Meghan. I honestly think they are bigger than Kim and Kanye. That’s the first sign of evil. It’s everywhere, constantly, consistently until it’s presence becomes so commonplace that you don’t notice it.

Magnolia Table restaurant, Fixer Upper TV show , Magnolia Home Collection, Magnolia Market, Magnolia Journal magazine, The Magnolia Story book, Matilda Jane clothing, and coming soon to an English pub, Fish and Chip Gaines. It’s too much. It’s all too much. No one wants to see anyone that much. Jeez give it a rest with that Magnolia theme. Us northerners hate it.

But like any typical evil, they don’t want to spoil just their community. They are hell bent on taking over the human race. “What?” you’re saying to yourself. “How could a couple  of home renovators take over the world?” But that’s just it. They aren’t just a couple of home renovators. They are creating an army of evil demons that will infiltrate the entire human gene pool.

They already have four kids and Joanna is pregnant with their fifth. That’s too many. They’re going to turn their show into The Duggars. Once those 5 kids grow up and start procreating, and then their kids start procreating, two or three generations down the road 50% of the Earth’s population will look exactly like either Chip or Joanna Gaines. (I’m hoping the other 50% look like me) They’re supposed to be renovating, not procreating. They can use every tool under the sun but they can’t figure out birth control?

This is exactly how Scientology got started. Most of them are Tom Cruise’s kids. But, like I said, they’re just a little too good. Too squeaky clean. Mark my words, someday we will discover some unspeakably dark secret about them and I, Phil Taylor, will be there to say I told you so, because I just really like to be right about stuff.

Have a great Saturday! Well, everyone but Chip & Joanna.

~Phil

Throwback Thursday! Britney Baby One More Time!

This post from June of 2006 is truly a time machine. When was the last time you heard of Britney Spears in the news? Back in 2006 she was big news every week. Also, what’s funny about this is that you could have, at any point in the last ten years, deleted Britney’s name and inserted Lindsay Lohan, Amanda Bynes, Charlie Sheen, or Kim Kardashian and it would be the same post.

(June 16, 2006) Is it just me, or is everyone tired of hearing about Britney Spears? No one this dumb has been this famous since Forrest Gump. When I become President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to declare a one year moratorium on Britney Spears news. I’m pretty sure that if we went a year without Britney news the sun would still continue to rise every day and life, death, and taxes would still go on.

I don’t know the exact statistics, but judging by the amount of publicity she has received over the last two years, I would guess that Britney has been married at least six times and hasn’t gone a day without being pregnant. Also, based on the frequency of media reports, I would guess that her many children are constantly in danger of losing their lives based on her stupidity. If she wants to drive down the Santa Monica freeway with her infant child on the roof of her car, feel free to call Child Protective Services, but please don’t put it on t.v. or the cover of every magazine in my supermarket. Unless her next husband is the Pope, I also don’t give a rat’s ass who she is or isn’t married to.

The next time Britney goes a day without being married or pregnant you can let me know, because that truly would be news. And if someone could manage to snap a photo of her where she isn’t crying with black mascara running down her face I certainly would appreciate it. For god’s sake someone, get the girl some Prozac and a makeover! The other day I was home watching ABC (All Britney Channel) when they tried to slip in some crazy story about a war in Iraq. How long has that been going on?

Top Ten Tuesday! The Ten Worst Song Lyrics Ever

Even good artists write bad lyrics sometimes. Here are ten of the worst:

10. Nickelback, Figure You Out: I love your pants around your feet… You’re like my favourite damn disease.” Not a shock that Nickelback made the list, right? Seriously, who has a favourite disease ?
9. Puff Daddy feat. Mase, Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down: ““Young, black and famous – with money hanging out the anus.” Does he even know how money works? This is exactly why they say money isn’t clean and you shouldn’t put it in your mouth.

8. The Beatles, Ob La Di, Ob La Da: “Ob la di, ob-la-da, life goes on, bra” Thanks genius philosophers. That was helpful.

7. Stone Temple Pilots, Plush: “When the dogs begin to smell her, will she smell alone?” If she’s that smelly, maybe some sort of intervention…

6. R. Kelly, You Remind Me of Something: Girl you look just like my cars, I want to wax it” R. Kelly has a way with words. I’m sure the ladies like being compared to a car.

5. Kaiser Chiefs, Oh My God: You work in a shirt with your name tag on it, drifting apart like a plate tectonic.” At least it rhymes. Apparently he has a problem with name tags. How does he order at McDonald’s?

4. Prince, Supercalifragisexy: Keep the blood flowing down to your feet, Brother Lois will be around in a minute, with a bucket filled with squirreled meat.” Not only does the not sound good, that lyric is anything but supercalifragisexy. Raise your hands, who here wants to be presented with a bucket of squirreled meat? I didn’t think so. 

3. Deep Purple, Highway Star: “She’s got everything – like a moving mouth, body control and everything.” They nailed it. Those are exactly the qualities I find attractive in a woman. My standards are not very high.

2. Queen, Bicycle Race: “You say ‘black’ I say ‘white’. You say ‘bark’ I say ‘bite’. You say ‘shark’ I say ‘hey man ‘Jaws’ was never my scene!’” This is apparently a transcript from Freddie Mercury’s therapy session.

1. Red Hot Chili Peppers, Around The World: “Bonafide ride, step aside my johnson. Yes I could in the woods of Wisconsin.”  That’s maybe one of the best haikus ever, but nobody sings about Wisconsin.

Those weren’t in any particular ranking order, but they are all epically bad. What are the worst song lyrics you can think of? Please add them in the comments and if there’s enough I’ll put out another list and link to the contributors. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! A Spell Checkmate? What’s Your Kabaragoya?

With the Scripps National Spelling Bee wrapping up today, I thought you’d enjoy this classic Phil Factor.

(May 31, 2014) See what I did there with the title? That was clever right? For the first time in 52 years the Scripps National Spelling Bee ended in a tie.

Kabaragoya? That’s what’s wrong with the spelling bee. There has never been, in the history of planet Earth a practical reason for anyone to use the word kabaragoya in any context. The fact that I’ve used it twice in this paragraph is already a new world record. Here’s your chance to win something. I’m trusting that you’ll be honest. The first commenter to tell me what the word kabaragoya means, without looking it up, wins a free copy of one of my books. All three are in e-book format and the two novels are also in paperback.

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It’s a good thing the contest ended in a tie. I doubt that any single spelling bee contestant has the muscle mass required to lift that trophy by themselves. It ended in a tie? Apparently after the competition was whittled down to two, the contestants both spelled twelve words correctly before it was declared a tie. Really? Twelve words? Are you telling me there wasn’t an adult somewhere in that room that couldn’t have cracked open a dictionary and pulled out a few more words?  How about if you asked the contestants to spell the word “girlfriend” or “social life.” I’m pretty sure those are terms they’re not familiar with. Did they have to declare it a tie because the competition is so physically grueling that the contestants couldn’t go on? Were they worried that the audience was in danger of literally dying of boredom?

When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law mandating that if the spelling bee is down to two contestants and they’ve both spelled two words correctly the tie will be broken by a physical competition. The first contestant to successfully demonstrate any actual dance move wins. Moonwalk, Gangam Style, Harlem shake, anything close wins.

Now I know that you may be thinking that I’m just a mean jerk for mocking these kids. I may be, or perhaps it’s just green eyed envy. I was almost one of them. Almost… That’s right, as a 13 year old I was my school’s alternate to go to the county spelling bee championships. Had I gone and won, it would have sent me to the state championship and then the National Spelling Bee. We took a written test that we never got back, so I don’t even know what my kabaragoya was. It will haunt me forever. One more correctly spelled word, or a convenient “accident” to my in school competitor and fame and fortune could have been mine. Instead I’ve just got this blog, so please leave a comment to help me overcome the demons of a spelling bee past that has scarred me lo these many years.

As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor please share by Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! Dumb and …uhh What’s That Other Word?

(May 23, 2015) I like to think I’m a relatively smart person. Of course I like to think a lot of things about myself which aren’t true, but that’s a topic for another post. (Coming soon to a blog near you, Top Ten Lies I Tell Myself!) If you’re reading this, you’re obviously a very smart person too. (Top Ten Lies I Tell My Readers) Let’s, for a moment, be honest with ourselves. It’s impossible to know everything about everything, right? So sometimes all of us geniuses feel dumb in certain situations. Some more than others of course, but there’s no need to raise your hand right now. If you’re an adult with children and they can make your cell phone do technological cartwheels while you can barely figure out how to text without accidentally calling 911 then you know what I mean.

Admittedly, I had one of those situations where I felt dumb the other night. I know, I know, after putting me up on the pedestal that you have, it must be very upsetting for you to hear this about me. I had to call the cable company for technical support and the conversation went like this:

Me: Hi, umm,..I tried to turn my TV on but it’s doing that thing where there’s a message on the screen and it won’t turn on. Well, it’s on, but there’s no picture.

Tech Guy: Did you turn it off and turn it back on again?

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Me: Yes. Same thing. It did this once before and the guy told me what to do and I tried that but it didn’t work.

Tech Guy: Hold on. Let me pull up your account. What’s the last four digits of your social security number, your mothers maiden name, the house number of the street you grew up on. No, not that one, the other one, and what kind of car did your fourth grade teacher drive.

Me: Blah, blah blah (gives information) Wait, was it what color was the house my fourth grade teacher lived in? Blue, no, wait, I think it was purple. Hold on, I’m going to try something. I switched the HDMI input and connected the satellite feed into my VHS player. That should work right?

Tech Guy: Ok, I see your account here. Oh, it’s you Mr. Taylor. Just set the remote down and step away from the television. Nope. Don’t touch it. No, that’s too close. Is there another room you can go to? Just wait there. We’re sending a guy out to your house. I’ll stay on the line with you. Just take deep breaths. It’s all going to be over soon.

Me: There’s just so many cords and wires! Why do there have to be so many? Why?!!? I just plugged the coffee maker into my chromecast. That will work, right? Dammit! Why does there have to be so many?

Tech Guy: Calm down Mr. Taylor, try to breath into a bag. There’s no need for tears. Someone will be there soon. (shouts to someone in the background “What the ETA? We’ve got a Code Zulu Banshee here! Code Zulu Banshee!”

Me: (sobbing) There’s just so many. So many wires. So many buttons. Why does there have to be so many? A man should not have to go through this to watch a few Friends reruns! You know Ross is the unsung hero of that whole show. You know that right? Ross fecking Gellar could figure this out! Why can’t I? You know he was a paleontologist before he was 30. That’s not easy. Neither is this. Wait, I think I’m on to something. What is it? White you’re right, red your dead? So if I switch…

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Tech Guy: Calm down Mr. Taylor. Our guys are at your house. They’re going to come in slowly. Just set the wires and cords down and let them help you. Don’t push any more buttons and this will all be over soon.

Cable company guys rush in and disarm me taking the remote  from my hand. Speaking into a mic on his shoulder “Headquarters, this is Captain Bravo, Tactical Response Team 1.  The scene has been secured. It appears that Mr. Taylor was trying to change channels with his garage door opener. We’ve given him the remote. Situation de-escalated. We’re returning to base.”

So what are the situations you feel stupid in? Do you avoid them? Do you just give up? Do you try to figure them out? The second picture in this post is Chris O’Dowd as Roy from the British sitcom The I.T. Crowd. If you have Netflix, I strongly recommend a weekend binge watch. As long as you’ve read this far, would you mind doing me one tiny favor? One of my tweets is up for Tweet of The Week in a Chicago Tribune poll. Could you click THIS LINK and vote for me?

Have a great weekend! ~Phil