Tag Archives: humor

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Petty Things I Would Do With Time Travel

To celebrate the release of my new suspense, time travel novel earlier this month, I thought I’d share some of the things I’d do if I could time travel. In the comments, tell me what you’d do if you could time travel!

Dr. Who flies about the universe saving entire civilizations, but what if someone petty and small like you and me decided to time travel? C’mon, you know that you’ve thought about what you would do. If not, here are some suggestions:

10. If I’m ordering a pizza that I want there in 30 minutes or less, I’d always get the less.

Picture credit: business.time.com

Picture credit: business.time.com

9. My 12th grade world history paper on Charles de Gaulle would have an actual first person interview. B+ my ass Mr. Hampton!

8. How about relationship do-overs? This is one we’ve all thought about. Avoid the bad ones, save the good ones you screwed up.

7. Gambling! Holy cow! Can you imagine how much money we could make if we just went back and gave our past selves future winners?

6. The stock market: This is proof that there really is no time travel yet. I’m sure Future Me would have told Past Me to invest in Apple about twenty years ago.

5. Ice Ice Baby: If a talentless hack like Vanilla Ice, aka Robbie Van Winkle, could make it big, imagine how great that song would be if I had done it.

Picture credit: newyorkpost.com

Picture credit: newyorkpost.com

4. On December 7th, 1980, although I was just a kid,  I would have hopped a bus to New York City, stayed overnight and then stopped John Lennon in the lobby of his apartment building for an autograph, the world’s first selfie, and a chat lasting an inordinate amount of time.

3. Have you ever walked out of a bad movie and said, “That’s two hours of my life I’ll never get back.” Not anymore. You can wipe The Love Guru from your viewing resume and get those two hours back.

2. Who hasn’t gone to work, looked out the window and said to yourself, “On a day this beautiful I should be at the beach?”

1. Like sleeping in? Time travel is the ultimate snooze button. Wake up, go back two hours, lather, rinse, repeat.

In the comments, what are some of the things you would do if you could time travel? If you enjoy the idea of what you’d do with time travel,  please consider trying my novel Time To Lie, now available on Amazon in e-book or paperback! If you don’t, I’ll go back in time and make sure that you do. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Crime Fighting Robots Prevent The Apocalypse

Daily Express

Some guy named David Meade predicted that the end of the world would begin today. Some other guy named Phil Taylor (Me) predicted in this blog post from January 1st that the world would not end this year. Looks like we’ve got a showdown. Go ahead, read the blog post. Also, note  in that blog post I predicted Princess Kate would get pregnant again. Obviously my track record as a psychic is pretty good. David Meade’s, not so much. So who are you going to believe?

By profession, David Meade is a research scientist, holding a master’s degree in statistics, his background in research and experimental design has enabled him to develop a unique and powerful approach to Pinewood Derby racing. He also enjoys model rocketry and astronomy.” Basically, he’s a professional nerd and an amateur astronomer. I have no problems with professional nerds. They make all the important stuff happen. Amateur nerds however do not impress me. David Meade, you sir are an amateur nerd.

In 2006 David Meade wrote a book about cheating at Cub Scout crap. In 2006 I was writing this blog. If you’re racing a Pinewood Derby car at a Cub Scout meeting, call David Meade. If you want predictions about the future, call me.

The crux of David Meade’s prediction is that Planet X, an alleged mysterious planet that NASA denies exists, will crash into the Earth today. Also Dave says there will be a sign in the skies over Jerusalem today. Well, what is it Davey boy? Are we getting a sign, or will a planet crash into us and wipe out the Earth? Make up your mind!

Here’s what really happened: David Meade previously predicted that Planet X would crash into the Earth today. As today drew nearer David Meade heard about the crime fighting robots. What?!!? Crime fighting robots? Yes, crime fighting robots.

Yes, a California company makes crime fighting robots. A world with bad ass crime fighting robots is a world I want to live in. So David Meade heard about the crime fighting robots, and realizing that they would detect the threat of Planet X and use their robot crime fighting skills to defeat the rogue planet, he changed his prediction to just a sign in the sky that heralds a seven year period of the world going into the crapper. (Some say that period began in January)  

See? I didn’t take the obvious route and use R.E.M.’s End of the World. I pulled out the Rick Springfield that the world forgot. That’s how you know you can trust me instead of David Meade. Well, trust me and the crime fighting robots. We’ve got your back. Again.

Also in other news that proves we have a future. In a recording studio somewhere, an accomplished voice actor who has done over 400 books is reading my book Time To Lie into a microphone so you can listen to it on your commute. Would he be doing that if the world is going to end?

Thank you to my friend Casey for warning me about our not so imminent demise. Have a great Saturday and make plans for the future! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! Dirty Dancing with The Stars

I wrote this last year when I was particularly pleased with the choice of contestants.

usmagazine.com

(09/17/16) To be honest, I’ve never watched an episode, but then again, when has having only half-assed knowledge of anything stopped me from making fun of it? I was first going to write one of my Pop Culture Commando posts where I hit on several trending pop culture topics, but…

usmagazine.com

usmagazine.com

But then protesters stormed the DWTS stage during a taping to protest the participation of Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte, who is more famous for drunkenly vandalizing a gas station bathroom and lying about it than he is for anything else. As much as I’d like to mock Ryan Lochte some more, I have to say, really protesters? Ryan Lochte? This is what your life has come to? You’re apparently OK with racism, terrorism, Trump and Hillary, Brexit, and human trafficking, but Ryan Lochte lying about kicking in a mini-mart bathroom door has put you over the edge? 

bismarcktribune.com

bismarcktribune.com

Like I said, I was just going to hit on several pop culture topics today, but then I read the cast list for this seasons DWTS and my jaw dropped. Maureen McCormick (Marcia Brady) and Vanilla Ice! Are you kidding me? That is kitschy television gold right there! And Ryan Lochte? And about a dozen people I may never had heard of, including Laurie Hernandez who “burst onto the Senior Elite gymnastics scene in 2016…”  First of all, I had no idea there was a Senior Elite gymnastics scene! I’m imagining a scene like the opening of Fame where the group of kids are dancing in the street, except it’s old ladies with walkers slowly trying to do a somersault on the ground without breaking a hip. What does Senior Elite gymnastics scene even mean? Was she best at Jazzercise at her local gym? Before Laurie Hernandez finds me and kicks my ass, I will say that she is definitely not a geriatric and is attractive enough to distract me from my Maureen McCormick love for the few minutes she’s on the screen. Here’s a picture of Laurie:

She does not look very senior does she?

She does not look very senior does she?

Marcia, Marcia Marcia! That’s obviously what DWTS is all about this year. I don’t know how many of you in other countries are aware of The Brady Bunch, but when I was just a lad too young to know manly things, I did know that Marcia Brady was smokin’ hot. Had things turned out differently and the show had hired me instead of Robbie Rist to play Cousin Oliver, Marcia and I might be married right now. And, if I were to be into dudes my man-crush would be Vanilla Ice. And DWTS has put him in the cast too!

Picture credit: sodahead.com

Here is where I’d like to add some Phil to DWTS: What if DWTS wasn’t a show about celebs pairing up with professional dance instructors to compete? What if it was celebs pairing up with each other with no professional instruction at all? How hilarious would it be to see these idiots stumble and fumble through a waltz like the rest of us drunk at a wedding reception? Even better would be to get the celebs drunk before they dance! Obviously, the pinnacle of the show this year would be if Vanilla Ice sprains an ankle and they tab a certain humor blogger as his replacement to dance with Maureen. I would SO do the Dirty Dancing scene where she jumps and I hold her over my head.

dirty-dancing-final-dance-o

Go ahead, picture that but with me and Marcia Brady…Nobody puts Philly in a corner.

Have a great Thursday everyone! ~Phil

Wordless Wednesday!

Those that watch Game of Thrones will get this. Have a great Wednesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! The Top Ten Top Tens

I’ve been doing Top Ten lists for over three years. Some have been very well received. Here, ranked by number of comments, are the Top Ten Top Tens, all hyperlinked so you can check them out and comment if you missed them the first time.

kontrolmag.com

10. The Ten Most Famous People in the World

9. The Ten Worst Fortune Cookie Messages

8. Ten Reasons Cats Are Better Than Dogs

7. My Top Ten Blogging Pet Peeves

6. Ten Reasons I Won’t Date Taylor Swift

5. The Ten Worst Songs I’ve Ever Heard

4. The Ten Most Embarrassing Songs on My iPod

3. The Ten Funniest TV Shows of My Life

2. The Ten Best Books I’ve Ever Read. What Are Yours?

1. Top Ten Blogging Pet Peeves

I wish everyone would do a Top Ten Tuesday. List are fun. Who doesn’t love to read lists and chip in with their own opinion? Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, I’ve got some career advice for you…

Dear Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson,

Earlier this week I went to the movies to see It. I was tremendously relieved to see that you were not cast as Pennywise the Clown. If you were though, it wouldn’t have surprised me. While there though I did see a giant display for a new Jumanji movie, starring you, Kevin Hart, and Jack Black. Holy crap that is the worst collection of actors ever put together outside of The Fast and the Furious series. Oh yeah, that’s right, you’re in that too. There’s been so many sequels of that series that I mistake it for a TV series sometimes. In fact, I imagine that in the not too distant future in The Fast and the Furious 27 it will just be you and Vin Diesel racing your wheelchairs to the rest room at the old folks home.

Guess what?  I can smell what The Rock is cooking and it stinks. What The Rock is cooking is a career where you will apparently do any movie offered to you and you’ve got an unexplainable love for remakes that shouldn’t be made. Earlier this year you and Zack Efron also ruined the classic Baywatch. I know David Hasselhoff and you’re no David Hasselhoff.

Dwayne, let me give you a little career advice. Drop out of sight for a year or two. Buy an island and hole up there with your family and don’t appear in public at all. Don’t show up to award shows, don’t do interviews, don’t engage in Twitter drama with anyone, and for cripes sake, don’t make any movies! Just spend two years being a mystery, an enigma. Don’t you want to be enigmatic? That’s a pretty god damn cool term and so few people ever get called that. Think about it, you’d go from being Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson to being “the enigmatic Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson .” In fact, if I’m your agent, I insist that you make that your legal name.

Don’t answer your phone. Don’t send texts except to let people know you’re alive. Do you know what the effect of this two year disappearance will be for you? One, people will think you’re enigmatic, and two, the demand for your services and the price you can charge for them will go through the roof. You’ve created a glut, a surplus of movies. When there’s a surplus of something, it becomes less valuable. Create a deficit and drive up the price.

Do you want more movies like that Tooth Fairy piece of crap? No, you don’t. If you continue on your current trajectory, you’ll make a hundred crappy movies. First it’s the tooth fairy, what’s next? The Easter Bunny? Disappear for two years and when The Enigmatic Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returns to the public eye he will be offered the sun and the moon and everything in between to make any movie of your choosing. Hell, if you’re lucky, I may even offer you a role in the movie adaptation of my new novel Time To Lie. Maybe. Just maybe.

So, in conclusion, here’s a song that I think perfectly captures what I’m trying to say here:

As always, if you enjoy my enigmatic ramblings, feel free to share them by hitting the Facebook or Twitter share buttons below. Have a great Saturday everybody! ~Phil

TBT! The “I Love All Four Seasons” People

Get ready, this is coming

We’ve all been in this conversation:

Other Human: Boy it sure is hot today!

Me: Yeah, but I’ll take this over winter any day.

Other Human: Not me! I love all four seasons! The fall colors are beautiful, and there’s nothing better than curling up in front of the fire on a cold winter night. And the Spring! All the flowers are beautiful!

Me: (imagining myself punching Other Human in the face)  What are you, fecking Snow White? The other seasons suck. You’re dead to me.

I’m not sure, but I imagine Snow White as the ultimate optimist. Her step-mother tried to kill her and she just went and lived with dwarfs until a Prince came along. And she sang and whistled happy tunes while doing housework! She probably loved all four seasons. I’ve never once sang and whistled while shoveling three feet of snow from my driveway.

2916294989_ee0c568a48_z

“Oh the Fall is so beautiful. I love the colors!” Yeah, well you know what? The colors on my 50 inch HD TV are gorgeous and I don’t have to go outside and pick the colors up off my yard for two months while inhaling mold and allergens. That’s ok though, you go ahead and frolic in leaf piles.

My problem is that I’ve lived in the northeastern part of the United States for my entire life. The first half of my life was my parents fault. But since I was liberated from their tyrannical control, it’s all on me that I still live here. I’ve grown sick and tired of damp, cool, Falls, cold, snowy winters, and Springs that are like living in England. (Yeah, sorry England, I hate to break it to you, but your weather is not great.)

I’m all about being an optimist and understanding others perspectives, but in February of 2015 the average temperature for the entire month in my hometown was 12 degrees. And not toasty warm 12 degrees celsius, whatever that is. It was 12 degrees Fahrenheit which is the manly American way of measuring temperature. We had over 100 inches (254 centimeters) of snow for the entire winter. Snow that had to be removed from driveways and roads. Yeah, you “I love all four seasons” people, how much fun was that season?

its-dark-when-i-leave-for-work-its-rainy-when-im-at-work-and-its-dark-when-i-get-home-64972

That picture above this is me every Spring until about June. Yes, I know that rain is good for nature and all, but seriously, how can you “I love the four seasons” people actually love Spring? Who enjoys going around being damp all the time?

Admit it, none of you  really love all the seasons. You know who says that? Idiots and people who live somewhere that doesn’t really have all four seasons. So as summer turns into Fall, consider yourselves warned that if you engage in a weather related conversation with me, it’s not going to end well.

You know what’s also great to do when the weather forces you inside? Reading a good book. How about a humorous time travel suspense story that’s been compared to “Back to the Future but without the DeLorean…” My new novel Time To Lie is available in Amazon in both Kindle and paperback!

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil