Tag Archives: humor

Throwback Thursday! I Could Bite Your Face

(4/23/2011) To paraphrase Eleanor Rigby by The Beatles, all the stupid people, where do they all come from? I found myself helpless witness and finally participant to two incredibly idiotic conversations this week. At one time I was in the waiting room of a medical office and seated near me was a couple that would make the folks on CMT’s “Redneck Wedding” look like the height of haute couture. This couple had more digits than teeth and their attire would make an Amish grandfather look trendy. So the woman, who was reading a magazine, People or Us or some similar intellectually stimulating tripe, says, “Look, a composer, that would be a good job!” I’m thinking, “Yeah honey, you check the want ads for that one. I’m sure there’s a big market for a gal with your resume.”

Later in the week I’m in another office, one that has both a psychiatrist and an internal medicine doc. Two roughly 18 year old girls come in, check in, and sit down near me. One starts reading a People Magazine and soon thereafter points out to the other member of her Mensa club an article about a female jogger who survived a bear attack. First they debated at length whether or not there are any mountains in New York state because if there were they would avoid said mountains to avoid being attacked by bears.

Then the debate raged on regarding whether or not you could escape certain death by playing dead when attacked by a brown bear or a black bear. Of course the inevitable discourse of what type of bear is native to New York ensued. I believe they concluded that brown bears fall for this ruse but black bears do not. Girl number 1 informed girl number 2 that the jogger survived the attack by poking the bear in the eyes while it was biting her face. Girl number 2, whom I’m fairly certain did not work for NASA, then speculated that a baby bear might not be able to harm her because its jaw might not be large enough that the bear would be able to open it’s mouth sufficiently wide enough to bite her face. To this Girl number 1 replied, “I could bite your face.” At this point I burst out laughing and added, “And don’t you forget it. You don’t want to make her mad.” The girls then stopped talking for the remainder of their time in the waiting room.

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

Your Vote Could Save Snuggles Life

Through a set of circumstances too complicated to explain, if you don’t vote for me for Funniest Blogger, Snuggles the fabric softener bear will die. Please help me to save Snuggles. The Voting for the Annual Bloggers Bash Awards is still going on and me and Snuggles really need your vote! Go HERE to vote.

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Reasons I Want To Live in Hotels Forever!

Admittedly, this is a re-run. But it’s an appropriate one because I’m in a hotel all week this week for work. And, c’mon, seriously, who doesn’t want to live in a hotel? Am I right?

10. No lawn to mow: At hotels I won’t have any yardwork and yet the hedges will always be impeccably trimmed and sometimes in the whimsical shapes of animals. Or should it be the shapes of whimsical animals? Are animals capable of whimsy? I’m not even sure I am.

9. Housekeeping! Who doesn’t want their room cleaned every day? I imagine though that I’d develop an unhealthy Mom complex with my housekeeper to the point that she asks to be re-assigned to another floor.

8. The hotel bar: If I lived there it would be like Cheers and everyone would know my name and yell “Phil!” when I walk in.

7. Coffee in my room: I love just hopping out of bed, turning on the coffee maker and then hopping back in bed with my fresh cup of joe to watch the morning news.

6. The in room hotel safe: I don’t care if it’s tiny. I still feel cool as hell having a safe to lock things up with my secret code. I feel all Mission Impossible-like when I use the safe. I still can’t find a way to lower myself from the ceiling when I’m pretending to break into my own safe.

5. Fresh towels! Soft, cushy and clean every day. They make me feel like that fabric softener bear in the commercial. And btw, I’m only using them once. Re-using a towel is not going to save the planet. I saw a trash receptacle at my local supermarket that said “179 recycled milk jugs were used to create this trash can.” Are you kidding me? The time, energy and fossil fuel needed to make a giant trash can out of milk jugs probably shortened the life of this planet by a year. Don’t tell me to re-use my towels!

4. Weather: I grew up in upstate New York and I still live here. I’m sick and tired of snow. No, I don’t like the change of seasons. You know who says they like the change of seasons? People who live somewhere warm. Jackasses. Spend your whole life digging your car out of the snow six months a year and see if you like the change of seasons then. When I live in hotels I’ll never have to see snow again if I don’t want to.

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3. If You’re tired of the view you can move: If it’s the view from my room or just the city the hotel is in; if I’ve seen all there is to see I can just go to another hotel somewhere else. At some point you know I’ll be in Snow White’s Castle at Disney World. That will be awkward.

2. The friendly hotel staff: They have to be nice to you whether they like you or not. It’s not that I have any problem with people not liking me, but in real, non-hotel life sometimes other people are having bad days or whatever and are not nice. Within the safe confines of a hotel everyone is friendly and there to help. Who doesn’t enjoy groveling sycophants?

1. Being driven around: If I sold my house and car and lived in hotels I’d never have to drive again. At some point in the distant future my sight and reaction time will decline to the point that it would be unsafe for me to continue driving; but you know what? I’ll still have a driver’s license and no one will stop me. When I live in hotels I’ll just call for a taxi, shuttle bus or town car if I need to go somewhere. Me living in hotels will save lives, so if you would all go buy all of my books to the point that I get that trillion dollars I need, it may even save your life. Who knows? If left to my own devices I could be driving down your street someday and you don’t really want that do you?

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor feel free to share it by hitting the Facebok or Twitter share buttons below. Also, I’d love your vote for Funniest logger in the Annual Bloggers Bash Awards. You can vote  HERE !

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! Speedos, Cigs and Vespas: Why the Europeans are Better Than You

(09/20/2011) Believe it or not, TSA allowed me on a flight to Europe last week. I think they were hoping I only had a one way ticket because I definitely had an easier time getting out of the U.S. than back into it. My job took me to Spain and I managed not to get into a fight with any one from any country. Apparently The Phil Factor is universally adored.

The trip however, was an education.

1. Europeans are not afraid of lung cancer. How cool is that? In the long run that isn’t a bad thing either because it will result in fewer Europeans. Apparently word that cigarettes are bad for you hasn’t reached Europe yet. The Europeans love their cigs just about anytime of day anyplace they are no matter what they’re doing. The world class hotel I stayed in even had an entire floor of rooms set aside for smokers. Fortunately although I am not a smoker, I was graciously placed on the smoking floor so that I could enjoy the wonderful European ambience.

2. Europeans aren’t afraid of skin cancer either. Based on my observations I think  Europeans are in better physical shape than Americans and they are damn proud of it, especially at the beach in front of my hotel where clothing was optional. Unfortunately much of their pride in their bodies was sadly overestimated by the owners of many of those bodies. There needs to be an upper age limit imposed for beach nudity. And the dudes over there seriously love their Speedos. I saw a guy jogging in a Speedo, and he was smoking at the same time.

3. 9 o’clock is the new 4 o’clock: I think I figured out why the Europeans are in better shape than we are. They eat at weird times. They don’t lunch until about 2 pm and dinner until 9 or 10 pm. If I had to wait until 10 pm for my dinner, most days I would either pass out from low blood sugar or just plain fall asleep and miss the meal altogether.

4. The Euro rocks: The American dollar may buy less and less these days, but the Euro is awesome. One Euro is like $40 American! Do you know how many Speedos you can buy with a Euro? Me neither. I swear.  Apparently all the Europeans spend their Euro’s on Speedos, cigs and Vespas.

If you enjoy my nonsense and want to travel to far away exotic lands through the power of reading you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle and follow me on Twitter @ThePhil Factor.

When I Went To The Mensa Meeting…

“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” ~Groucho Marx

If you’re not familiar with Mensa, then I’m pretty sure you don’t qualify to join the club. Mensa is the international high IQ (intelligence quotient) society with members in over 100 countries. “Membership in Mensa is open to persons who have attained a score within the upper two percent of the general population on an approved intelligence test that has been properly administered and supervised.”

So, me being me, if I don’t have membership in Mensa, I want membership in Mensa. I don’t even care that I would hate all the snooty high IQ people that say things like, “Tut tut,” as they hold their pinky out while sipping tea in front of a Monet at the Louvre. I have no idea if I’m intelligent enough, but they have it and I don’t, so I want it. If they had ebola I’d want that too. Don’t you hate when people put on airs about their exotic diseases?

Since you have to take a test to get into Mensa, I chose not to, but I wanted to go to their meeting to see what all the hullabaloo was about. (See? I said hullabaloo! I’m pretty sure that will go over well at the Mensa meeting.) I dressed in a tuxedo, because it’s hard to look stupid in a tuxedo.

I figured that if I looked smart I could just stroll on in. Seriously, who thinks there’s going to be security at the Mensa meeting.

“Excuse me sir, the wait staff entrance is in the back,” he said with a sneer.

Me excitedly: “Oh, I’m not a waiter. I’m here for the Mensa party!”

It is not a “party.” (he said using finger quotes) And if you are a member, I’ll need to see your identification. 

Me: Pulls out my driver’s license and hands it over. “That my friend is my license to ill.”

He holds it between his thumb and forefinger as if I’ve just handed him freshly created poo, or excrement as all the hoity toity Mensa members would say.

Yes, I’m Abe Froman, Sausage King of Chicago

No, I need to see your Mensa membership card.

Me (trying to sound intelligent) : It hasn’t come in the mail yet. I’m new. Just passed the exhumination yesterday!

Exhumination? You dug up a dead body?

Me: (doubling down on my idiocy) Umm…Yes! I exhumed a body and brought it back to life. That’s how smart I am! Once the proctologists saw that, they said I was smart enough and gave me a weaver.

Proctologists? Don’t you mean the proctors gave you a waiver? 

Me: Yes! Yes, that’s it exactly. They waved at me as I left the test. They said good bye and that I never needed to come back.

May I see it?

Me: See what?

Your waiver?

Me: It’s in my other tuxedo

Then I’m afraid you can’t come in.

Me: Afraid? Why are you afraid? You should be more afraid if I did come in!

Security! 

Me: (shouting as security drags me out) Don’t you know who I am? I’m The Phil Factor! You can’t do this to me! I have a blog and I’m gonna write about you! And it’s not going to be nice!

So here I am still rambling at all my favorite people where there’s no test to enter. If you were even mildly amused by this or any of the 1800 previous posts that I’ve written, would you take a moment to click HERE and vote for me for Funniest Blogger? Click that link and scroll about halfway down the page where you’ll get to the categories. Scroll to Funniest Blogger, find The Phil Factor in the list and click on it. There’s a lot of other great bloggers in the other categories, so make sure to vote for them too! Thank you for your support!

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

My Blog is a Teenager!

Yes, “blogiversary” is a word. It’s a word because I’m celebrating the birth of The Phil Factor on April 5th, 2005. And because I’m the only blogger here who has been around for 13 years I’m going to take credit for inventing the word Blogiversary. Also, you know how WordPress says 30% of the Internet is powered by WordPress? I think 9% of that is my 1800 posts.

Since my blog is a teenager, I guess I’ll have to have the sex talk with it soon. Here are 10 ways the world was different when I started my blog:

10. The U.S. President was George W. Bush

9. The Pope was John Paul II

8. The iPhone didn’t exist yet

7. Youtube was invented in 2005. Between the two, I think my blog has been a bigger success, don’t you?

6. The world hadn’t heard of Taylor Swift yet. In 2005 I was the more popular Taylor!

5. About 5 months after my blog premiered, the TV show How I Met Your Mother premiered and Barney said, “This is so going into my blog!” I was so proud at that moment.

4. In 2005 I was in another career, hadn’t published a book, and had no gray hair yet. In 2013 I published 50 Shades of Phil: It’s Not Mommy Porn, It’s Daddy Scorn, the top 50 posts from the first eight years of The Phil Factor.

3. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire movie came out.

2. In 2005 you couldn’t tweet yet because Twitter didn’t exist.

1. In 2005 Facebook existed, but who here was on it?

Since 2005 I’ve never won a Annual Bloggers Bash Award and voting begins tomorrow, for my blogiversary, would you keep me in mind when voting in the Funniest Blog category?

And, last but not least, in 2005 I hadn’t met any of you. Thank you for reading and commenting on my blog over the last 13 years. Since blogging is all about the interaction between bloggers, if you’ve read this far and want a free Kindle copy of any of my books, just let me know in the comments!

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

Ten Quotes: Darth Vader or Donald Trump?

Since I’m on vacation, I’m posting one of my favorites from last year. I hope you enjoy it. ~Phil

Before anybody gets their knickers in a twist, I’m not trying to say anything political here. I’m just making jokes and I’d make them regardless of who the President is. I’m a registered independent. Here are ten quotes. In the comments tell me which ones belong to Darth Vader and which are from Donald Trump. Don’t be fooled by the italics either.

10. “I have brought peace, freedom, justice, and security to my new empire.”

9. “In the end you’re not measured by how much you undertake but by what you finally accomplish.”

8. “Anyone who thinks my story is anywhere near over is sadly mistaken.”

7. “I am altering the deal. Pray I don’t alter it any further.”

6. “Sometimes by losing a battle you find a new way to win the war.”

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5. “Now release your anger. Only your hatred can destroy me.”

4. “I actually don’t have a bad hairline.” 

3. “Be careful not to choke on your convictions.”

2. “I find your lack of faith disturbing.”

1. ” I believe they like making me out to be something more sinister than I really am.” 

So can you guess which 5 quotes are Darth Vader and which 5 are from Trump? Show me how smart you are in the comments. Also, the quotes in italics are from both. I just alternated lines to break up the monotony.

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil