Tag Archives: humor

The Phil Factor Grammy Awards!

I’ve never given Grammy Awards before, but when I saw that the Recording Academy of the United States would be awarding them next Sunday, I of course decided that I’d beat them to the punch.

When I hear the word Grammy, I don’t think of popular music, I think of my kids Grammy. Where would we be without Grammys? Who would watch the kids when we go out? Who picks them up from school when we can’t get out of that work meeting? And who buys our kids those presents that we would never get for them?

Picture from Adobe Stock images

Without further adieu, here are The Phil Factor Grammy nominees!

Grandmother Peggy Collinsworth of Arcadia, California saved her four year old grandson Matthew from a coughing fit when she swiftly pulled a hard butterscotch candy out of her bra and gave it to Matthew, soothing his sore throat.

Grammy Dot Cullen of  St. Paul, Minnesota is nominated for buying her grandson Ralphie an official Red Ryder carbine action, 200-shot, range model air rifle for Christmas when his mom said no because “you’ll shoot your eye out!”

Grammy Judy Winkleman  of Secaucus, New Jersey is nominated for babysitting her twin granddaughters Rachel and Amy and letting them stay up way past their bedtime so they could watch the rest of the Wednesday series on Netflix, and master the Wednesday dance to impress their friends in school. Rachel and Amy didn’t get bed until their parents were just pulling into the driveway!

Great Grammy Miss Faye of Oakland, California is nominated for attacking a thief who grabbed her neighbors purse. She beat him with her cane until he dropped the purse and ran away. This one is a true story. I love stories like this one.

Our last nominee is  Grammy Nancy King of Scottsdale, Arizona who, after recently learning to use Facebook on her phone, liked and commented on every post from the last four years on each of her grandchildren’s pages.

Have a great Sunday and appreciate your Grammy! ~Phil

Welcome to the Future: My Psychic Predictions for 2023

That’s me in the crystal ball. I’m not the lady

This is my favorite post to write each year. Partly because I get to use that picture above and partly because I’m mostly serious but no one believes me. I’ve  had a lifetime of undisciplined, untrained, unintentional psychic experiences that have led me to know that I see the future.  Some of what I predict here is a dead serious look at what I see in the future and some of it is silly for silly’s sake. Of course, sometimes my silly predictions have come true. <– click for the 2016 Courtney Kardashian prediction that I nailed)

Just to certify my bonafides as the kids say (the kids aren’t saying it yet, but by the end of 2023…) take a look at my predictions from last year.

The Real Psychic Predictions for 2023: 

Picture from Buzzfeed

Who Will Pete Davidson be dating? A shorter list might be who Pete Davidson isn’t dating. Right now, rumors have him dating Australian actress Emily Ratajkowski (Gone Girl, We Are Your Friends), but lets be honest, is Pete ever going to settle down? No he is not. Will his dalliance with Emily lead to marriage? No, it will lead to 53 year old Mariah Carey. Yes, that’s my prediction.  29 year old Pete and Mariah. Book it. And when that ends could it be Britney…? Also, based on his relationship spree over the past few years Pete Davidson will be named 2023’s Sexiest Man Alive.

Picture property of NPR

Will Life on Earth End? No, but it will seem precarious at one point during the first half of the year. The war in Ukraine is at the center of that. And don’t forget about Kim Jong Un of North Korea. He’s going to make some noise in 2023.

Picture Harper’s Bazaar and Getty Images

How Long Will King Chuck Reign? We all know I love my Royals. After Phil Factor favorite Queen Liz crossed the rainbow bridge, Prince Charles ascended to the throne. Sadly his reign will be short. He will be done in by Covid during 2023 and Prince William will become King. Having heard of the accuracy of my predictions, King Will will hire me as a full time advisor to the throne. Also, Prince Harry, after his separation with Meghan, will begin a relationship with Canadian singer Avril Lavigne.

picture property of iStock

Will everything be expensive forever? Nobody is going to make it rain, and the world economy will seem bleak in the first three months of 2023, but March through May will show some positive signs of potential growth. In the second half of 2023 a long, slow recovery will begin. It won’t get back to where it was before the recession, but it will be better and moving in the right direction.

Australian Archeologists Discover 4th Hemsworth Brother! In an Australian desert, archeologists will unearth what they believe to be the fourth devastatingly handsome Hemsworth brother. He will have fallen asleep and became covered in drifting sand when found. Apparently he got lost on a walkabout looking for the beach. People Magazine  has already named him Sexiest Man Alive for 2023.

I hope you enjoyed my look ahead. Obviously that last one is fanciful, unless I buried a male model in the Australian desert. I’m not saying I did, but if it happens, those aren’t my fingerprints.

If you have any questions you’d like me to answer psychically, please put them in the comments and I will reply. Keep in mind that I cannot do a personal reading or answer specific personal questions of people I haven’t met. Best wishes to you and yours in the new year!

Psychically Yours, Phil

Sexiest Man Alive?!!?

Chris Evans ogling Elizabeth Olsen

Hey People Magazine, really? Is this what it’s come to? You’re giving Sexiest Man Alive to Chris Evans? What happened, did you run out of Hemsworths? No, you did not. Luke Hemsworth is still out there and you picked this guy?!!? Apparently anyone who gets a job in a Marvel movie is eligible to be Sexiest Man Alive. And here he is in that picture ogling the wholesome Elizabeth Olsen, my favorite of the Olsen twins. I expect the Sexiest Man Alive to exhibit better decorum than that. I ask you People Magazine, are there any pictures circulating on the interwebs of me lasciviously eyeing an Olsen twin?  No there is not.

Normally, in addition to mocking the current Sexiest Man Alive, I would make my case as to why I should have been chosen. This year I’d like to nominate a few other candidates that I feel are far more deserving of the award than Chris Evans, me, or any Hemsworth you might dig up.

Volodymyr Zelensky went from lawyer to comedian to President of a small country that most people didn’t think much about until last February. He has lead his small country against a huge country with infinitely more resources and is impossibly holding their own despite limited help from other countries. When the United States offered to fly him out of his country early in the war, he replied “The fight is here. I need ammunition, not a ride.”  That’s better than any line Chris Evans ever uttered in a movie. I can’t tell you how many women I know that immediately thought Volodymyr was sexy AF.

This man is heroic but is not married to Savannah Guthrie…yet

You know how there are hundreds of movies about airplane pilots passing out or whatever and some random passenger takes over and with the help of air traffic control folks over  the radio manages to land a plane and save everyone’s life? This guy, Darren Harrison, did just that in real life. That is effing sexier than making a superhero movie.

This man is the Sexiest Man Alive to cancer patients.

How about some more love for platelet donors? Platelet donors save the lives of countless cancer patients. It’s not a comfortable process. It takes about two hours and you can’t move your arms the whole time.  You’re also really cold because they take your blood out of one arm, filter the platelets out of the blood and then put that blood, now much cooler, back in through the other arm. So for two hours you’re cold, you’ve got needles in both arms, and you can’t move to scratch an itch. It’s like a kind of torture. But there are people that do it every two weeks, saving countless lives of people they don’t even know. At the end they get some juice and free Cheez-Its.

People like Zelenskyy, Darren Harrison, and every platelet donor ought to be winning awards and being put on magazine covers instead of  some pampered pretty boy who memorized a few lines.

Have a great Sunday, and go donate some platelets or just whole blood if you can! In the States, American Red Cross donation centers are open now. ~Phil

The Top Ten Ways to Tell if You Are A Boomer

I don’t think being a certain age means that you’re a “boomer”. My impression is that boomers are the Karens of people over 50. (Although, I think every Karen no matter what age is a Boomer) Being a boomer isn’t a specific age though, it’s more a state of mind.  There are still cool people over 50, and there are 40 year olds that act like Boomers.  Here are the top ten ways to know if you are a Boomer:

10. If you’re not worried that you might be a boomer, you’re either getting your student loans forgiven, or you’re already too far gone. Boomers are blissfully unaware that their Brady Bunch quotes might not be relevant to their grandkids. C’mon, who remembers “pork chops and applesauce”? Am I right?

9. If you just googled “Boomers age range“, you might be a Boomer. (And happily, I’m still in the Gen X range.)

8. If someone calls you Karen, and you try to correct them with your real name, you might be a Boomer. 

7. If you still buy batteries for your Jitterbug flip phone, you might be a Boomer. 

6. If you watch 60 Minutes on both the clock and the tv, you are definitely a Boomer.  

5. If you’re wearing Skechers right now: If it’s too much work to bend over and tie your shoes, you might be a Boomer.

4. If you use a three foot long shoe horn to put your Skechers on, you might be a boomer. To be honest, if you use any kind of shoe horn, you are totally a Boomer.

3. If you still have the same blog that you started in 2005 instead of a TikTok, you might be a Boomer. (present company excluded of course)

2. If you’ve never had tendonitis from playing video games, you might be a Boomer. 

1.  If you ever start any sentence with the words “In my day…” you are definitely a boomer. Also, if you are insulted by any of these, you are….

Hopefully whether you’re a boomer or not, you found some humor in this. If you didn’t, then you might be a Karen/Boomer! If you’ve got other Boomer jokes feel free to add them in the comments.

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

It’s The Great Pumpkin Spice Latte Charlie Brown

I was also going to name this “A Pumpkin Flavored Phil Factor”. It’s that time of year, again. Sigh.  It has begun. Pumpkin flavored everything is back in stores! WTH? Seriously, are pumpkins such a wonderful delicacy that we have to flavor EVERYTHING with them? Why pumpkin? Is there any other time of year where a flavor takes over the country for a couple months? Around the winter holidays why isn’t there nog flavored everything? Around St. Patrick’s Day we’ve got our Shamrock Shakes, but that’s about it. How about this? I’m going to give you a list of ten pumpkin flavored items below and you try to guess which one isn’t real.

1. Coffee

2. Beer

3. Donuts

4. Candy

5. Soda pop

6. Potato chips

7. Pasta

8. Cookies

9.  Vodka

10. Smoothies

Guess what? They all are real! That’s too much pumpkin flavored stuff. What’s next, pumpkin-flavored fish sandwiches at McDonald’s? This time of year it’s actually an effort not to accidentally eat something pumpkin flavored. This madness must end!  When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law stating that any company that produces a pumpkin flavored food item has to have it approved through a special sub-committee and if it is just too stupid of an idea they will not be allowed to sell it. If you know of any other odd pumpkin flavored foods or drinks please share them in a comment.

As always, if you enjoy what you read at #ThePhilFactor and want to support my bid for President, or Sexiest Man Alive, please hit the Facebook or Twitter share buttons.

Welcome to Phil’s NyQuil Chicken Restaurant!

NyQuil Chicken

(This is a proactive disclaimer for those who take everything waaay to seriously: This entire blog post is a joke. I am probably not seriously suggesting you do anything I say here. You’re an adult. Think for yourself.)

Does anyone remember my post from four years ago about snorting Tide Pods? This has an eerie familiarity. Yes, TikTok, the arbiter of all things cool, has brought us the NyQuil chicken challenge!  At first I wondered if bored farmers were giving their chickens NyQuil and then watched them fall asleep. Knowing famers, I was a little worried what they might do to those chickens after they fell asleep. But no, there are no victims.

People are making chicken with NyQuil and it puts them to sleep. You know what else it does? It makes people feel better when they have a cold or flu! Is that so bad? I don’t think so, which is why I’m going to open a restaurant where I’ll serve popular dishes with different medications mixed in.

What could be better than that when you’re sick? Go to a restaurant feeling lousy, have your favorite meal and you feel better later? It’s like a Walgreens Pharmacy and Red Lobster had a baby!

The Medicine Restaurant and Bar in Birmingham, England

Come in. Let me take you to your table. Have a seat. I will need your medical history before you order. We don’t want any of those pesky allergic reactions. Take a look at the menu:

All pictures are not mine and were “borrowed” from better websites than mine.

NyQuil Chicken: A beautiful chicken breast grilled with olive oil, Mediterranean spices and NyQuil. Guaranteed to satisfy your palate, relieve cold symptoms and help you get a good nights sleep.

Ritalin Redfish

Ritalin Redfish Cajun Style: Enjoy this savory sea treat with cajun spices that will wake up your tongue while the Ritalin wakes up your brain. Please consult your physician before finishing your appetizer.

Anxiety Alfredo

Anxiety Alfredo: Feeling a little anxious or over-stressed? Nothing calms my mind more than a bowl of pasta, especially when it has a little something extra soothing for your nerves. Feeling a little too gonzo? Maybe you need a little benzo. It’s what gives our alfredo that silky smooth aftertaste.

Tepezza Taco Tuesday: Problems with your thyroid? Are your eyes looking a little too big? Then stop by for Tepezza Taco Tuesday! If you’ve got two eyes you get two tacos for the price of one! (Tepezza did not give me consent to use the name of their medication.)

I’m just getting started. Wait until you see the drink menu. You don’t need to tip our waitresses but please pay your copay on the way out.

Anywho, it’s up to you if you add meds to your food, but please consult your physician and don’t take me seriously.

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

Are You An Upside-Down Pineapple?

So last Friday I posted this picture of myself on social media. Every Friday this summer I’m posting a pick of myself in a Hawaiian shirt. I have quite the collection.

But the picture above garnered more comments and attention than my usual Hawaiian shirt pictures. I bet that some of you know why. I didn’t and was surprised why this shirt caught peoples attention. About 60% of the pineapples on the shirt are upside down. I thought that was odd, but just figured that Old Navy was getting rid of some misprint shirts cheap. I was very naïve for thinking that.

Traditionally the pineapple is a symbol of welcoming. Flags and signs like the one above can be seen all over the world indicating welcome and friendship. Apparently some people use the upside down pineapple as a symbol of being really, really friendly.

As it turns out, the upside down pineapple when displayed on your clothing or as a decoration on your house indicates that you’re a swinger! According to google, the informal definition of the word swinger is “a person who engages in group sex or the swapping of sexual partners.” 

Now all those pineapple upside down cakes that my mom used to make suddenly seem very suspicious. That could explain why us kids had to go to bed when they invited the neighbors over for parties in the basement. Now I’m wondering if our basement was a secret sex dungeon. I’m also wondering if Old Navy is really a swingers cult. When does the deception end? Is my dad really my dad, or was it my next door neighbor? Now that I’ve worn the shirt, am I a swinger? Is someone swinging with me right now?!!?

When the weather turns cold I’m getting this sweatshirt

Suddenly thanks to one of my favorite fruits, my whole life is a lie. If you want to read a little more about swinger symbols so you can either encourage or avoid attention read this fun article from Men’s Health magazine. And if you are an upside down pineapple, well, you already know what to do!  ; )

Have a great day! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! Clown Lives Matter!

I’m posting this throwback post from 2016 because I love creepy clown stuff weirding people out.

Phil clown

Many of you are familiar with the current clown crisis in the United States. I would like to say that me reporting on it and a guy in Northampton, England who did it, were way ahead of the curve. Back in Sept. 2013 I wrote about the Northampton Clown.

If you’re not familiar with the “clown crisis” in the United States, first let me decrease your anxiety by stating that it has nothing to do with Donald Trump.

The clown crisis is a trend of people dressing as creepy clowns and behaving in somewhat menacing ways in random places towards random strangers. Imagine getting home from work after dark. You get out of your car and no one else is around. Suddenly a creepy clown steps out of the bushes or from between a couple nearby cars and starts walking towards you. Yeah, it’s stuff like that that’s been going on constantly all over the United States for about two months now.

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It’s become such a trending topic that on Twitter Stephen King said:

Really Steve? You are completely responsible for people being afraid of clowns in the first place.

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Guess what everybody? I’ve got a hunch that the clown crisis started as a publicity stunt for…a movie remake of IT that’s scheduled to be released next year. Yes, IT was a movie in 1990 and because Hollywood has run out of original ideas, they’ve made another one. It’s in post-production now. I’m thinking that some marketing genius decided to try to start kind of an underground Blair Witch-like independent buzz about scary clowns and hired some actors to pop up in creepy clown costumes. It worked, but it bred teenage idiotic copycats.

Sadly however, it’s always the children clowns that suffer. Yes, there is outcry from all over the country from “real” clowns that the recent outbreak of creepy clowns is scaring people away. Watch this short video interview:

Did he just say, “John Wayne Gacy. Nice guy as a clown, I’m told by clown people.”?!!?  First of all, who has “clown people” ? Although I’m sure many of you think I’m a clown people kind of guy, surprisingly I’m not.

Sadly, the mean, scary clown craze has ruined the clowning industry. According to an interview with Yo Yo the clown, of Syracuse, “These creepy clowns walking through the neighborhoods is really disturbing for us good clowns who just want to make people happy,” Yo Yo said. “There are a lot of good clowns out there.” Yo Yo, You’re damn right there are a lot of good clowns out there. So why don’t they do something about it? Why can’t the good clowns patrol our neighborhoods and fight the creepy clowns? I want a full on Clown War! Or at least a Netflix original series based on that premise.

I believe however that the creepy clown craze has just about run it’s cycle. How do I know this? Because there’s a #ClownLivesMatter movement. Just check the hashtag on Twitter. Someone has organized a #ClownLivesMatter peace walk in Arizona. Seriously, now we’re doing a 5K to support serious clowns? I can’t wait for the ribbon magnet to put on the back of my car. Of course if I do, I’ll be able to fit like 20 people in there.

Hey, just for fun, since I’ve used the hashtag #ClownLivesMatter, could all of you click either or both the Facebook and Twitter share buttons below? I’d love to see this post show up really high in the Google list when people do a search for #ClownLivesMatter. Have a great Thursday! Just don’t do  too much clowning around ~Phil

Proof of Alien Life?

The idea of beings from other planets or solar systems has been with us for almost as long as humans have been here on planet Earth, yet absolute proof has escaped us. Take a deep breath and brace yourself for this next sentence. Here it is: We, (when I say we, I don’t mean me and everyone reading this. I mean human scientists)  may have proof of alien existence. Yes, and they (and when I say “they” I mean some authority somewhere) seem to be trying to downplay this so that we don’t panic. The whole Russia invading Ukraine thing may even be concocted to distract us from the fact that there’s proof of aliens. OK, OK, I’ll get to the scientific proof. Next paragraph…

According to USA TodayA team of astronomers discovered “something unusual” – a mysterious object sending bursts of energy every 20 minutes. The object is about 4,000 light-years away, but its energy bursts were so big that it was one of the largest radio sources in the sky. The burst happened for one minute, every 20 minutes before it disappeared for a few hours, then repeated the cycle, according to a study published in the journal Nature. “This object was appearing and disappearing over a few hours during our observations,” said Natasha Hurley-Walker, astrophysicist and lead author of the study. “It was kind of spooky for an astronomer because there’s nothing known in the sky that does that.”

Ok, let’s think about what they just said. The lead author of the study said it was spooky. That’s definitely concerning, right? If  somebody with a Ph.D. in astrophysics is spooked, I’m worried.

They also said that “there’s nothing in the sky that does that.” Well, apparently there is, isn’t there?  Then at the end they offhandedly wrap things up with “Seth Shostak, senior astronomer at the SETI Institute, said there’s no need to worry about aliens, because although it’s definitely an unusual discovery, it is “obviously nature.”

Really Seth? NATURE?!!? Nature is sending out massive radio signals on a regular schedule? I’ve never heard of any nature on Earth, other than humans, sending out radio signals. Has the ocean, llamas or trees ever sent out any radio signals that could be picked up on the other side of the universe? NO. Our nature doesn’t do that, but we do and we have nuclear weapons, so the logical conclusion is that aliens with similar weapons are sending out radio signals and it’s probably not songs from Bruno Mars. (see what I did there? Radio signals from space & Bruno Mars?) And if there is alien life on other planets, doesn’t that also imply the existence of a Bruno Saturn and Bruno Uranus?

ALF

What really pisses me off is that scientists can get radio signals from 4,000 light years away and Verizon can’t get me their alleged 5G signal if I’m inside the supermarket.

Shouldn’t this be a bigger story? As a human race we’ve got to hope that the aliens shooting out those radio signals are more like Alf and Marvin the Martian than the alien from Alien. Keep an eye on the sky, and I’ll keep you posted. 

Have a great Sunday!~Phil

Snowpocalypse 2022! (aka snow in the South)

It’s happening this weekend. The annual snowpocalypse in the southeastern United States. For those of you reading from other countries, there are parts of the United States that get a lot of snow for about four months every year. I live in one of those unfortunate places. For us, getting a foot (30 centimetres) of snow overnight just means that we have to spend a little extra time clearing our driveway before we go to work. In the southeastern region of the United States they get snow about once a year, and when they get it, it’s about one to three inches (2-6 centimetres). What makes us Northerners laugh is their reaction to it, or rather their overreaction to it.

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Now I know that making fun of southerners reaction to snow is as easy as shooting fish in a barrel, which is apparently something they do in the South. Maybe that’s why they get so upset by snow. Maybe their barrels freeze over and they can’t shoot fish. We’ve all seen news footage of people fleeing a hail of bullets during a terrorist attack. That’s exactly how people in the south flee a hail of…well, hail. Although in the South they’ll try shooting back first, because everyone in the south in America is ‘packing’.

A few years ago Atlanta, Georgia got a couple inches of snow one day and immediately every motor vehicle on the road just stopped. They didn’t break down or anything, they all put it in park and just sat there waiting for the sun to return. School buses full of children on their way home stopped. The kids slept overnight on the buses parked on the highways.  Businesses everywhere just closed up until the white stuff was all gone.

Remember when you were a kid and you and your siblings would play that game where you pretend the floor is lava and you have to jump from furniture to furniture? That’s southerners with snow.

This is how we handle snow on the roads up north:

reddit.com

If you own a grocery store in the south, you pray for that snowmaggedon each year because southerners imagine that when that two inches of snow hits, they’re going to have to “hunker down” and survive in their homes for who knows how long. If two inches of snow is forecast, families start drawing straws to see which family member they’ll eat first when they run out of food.

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I don’t know if there’s any phenomena quite like this anywhere else in the world. If any of you from other countries know of the same or a similar pattern of behavior in your country, I’d love to hear about it.

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil