Tag Archives: humor

It’s The Great Pumpkin Spice Latte Charlie Brown

I was also going to name this “A Pumpkin Flavored Phil Factor”. It’s that time of year, again. Sigh.  It has begun. Pumpkin flavored everything is back in stores! WTH? Seriously, are pumpkins such a wonderful delicacy that we have to flavor EVERYTHING with them? Why pumpkin? Is there any other time of year where a flavor takes over the country for a couple months? Around the winter holidays why isn’t there nog flavored everything? Around St. Patrick’s Day we’ve got our Shamrock Shakes, but that’s about it. How about this? I’m going to give you a list of ten pumpkin flavored items below and you try to guess which one isn’t real.

1. Coffee

2. Beer

3. Donuts

4. Candy

5. Soda pop

6. Potato chips

7. Pasta

8. Cookies

9.  Vodka

10. Smoothies

Guess what? They all are real! That’s too much pumpkin flavored stuff. What’s next, pumpkin-flavored fish sandwiches at McDonald’s? This time of year it’s actually an effort not to accidentally eat something pumpkin flavored. This madness must end!  When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law stating that any company that produces a pumpkin flavored food item has to have it approved through a special sub-committee and if it is just too stupid of an idea they will not be allowed to sell it. If you know of any other odd pumpkin flavored foods or drinks please share them in a comment.

As always, if you enjoy what you read at #ThePhilFactor and want to support my bid for President, or Sexiest Man Alive, please hit the Facebook or Twitter share buttons.

Welcome to Phil’s NyQuil Chicken Restaurant!

NyQuil Chicken

(This is a proactive disclaimer for those who take everything waaay to seriously: This entire blog post is a joke. I am probably not seriously suggesting you do anything I say here. You’re an adult. Think for yourself.)

Does anyone remember my post from four years ago about snorting Tide Pods? This has an eerie familiarity. Yes, TikTok, the arbiter of all things cool, has brought us the NyQuil chicken challenge!  At first I wondered if bored farmers were giving their chickens NyQuil and then watched them fall asleep. Knowing famers, I was a little worried what they might do to those chickens after they fell asleep. But no, there are no victims.

People are making chicken with NyQuil and it puts them to sleep. You know what else it does? It makes people feel better when they have a cold or flu! Is that so bad? I don’t think so, which is why I’m going to open a restaurant where I serve many popular dishes with different medications mixed in.

What could be better than that when you’re sick? Go to a restaurant feeling lousy, have your favorite meal and you feel better later? It’s like a Walgreens Pharmacy and Red Lobster had a baby!

The Medicine Restaurant and Bar in Birmingham, England

Come in. Let me take you to your table. Have a seat. I will need your medical history before you order. We don’t want any of those pesky allergic reactions. Take a look at the menu:

All pictures are not mine and were “borrowed” from better websites than mine.

NyQuil Chicken: A beautiful chicken breast grilled with olive oil, Mediterranean spices and NyQuil. Guaranteed to satisfy your palate, relieve cold symptoms and help you get a good nights sleep.

Ritalin Redfish

Ritalin Redfish Cajun Style: Enjoy this savory sea treat with cajun spices that will wake up your tongue while the Ritalin wakes up your brain. Please consult your physician before finishing your appetizer.

Anxiety Alfredo

Anxiety Alfredo: Feeling a little anxious or over-stressed? Nothing calms my mind more than a bowl of pasta, especially when it has a little something extra soothing for your nerves. Feeling a little too gonzo? Maybe you need a little benzo. It’s what gives our alfredo that silky smooth aftertaste.

Tepezza Taco Tuesday: Problems with your thyroid? Are you’re eyes looking a little too big? Then stop by for Tepezza Taco Tuesday! If you’ve got two eyes you get two tacos for the price of one! (Tepezza did not give me consent to use the name of their medication.)

I’m just getting started. Wait until you see the drink menu. You don’t need to tip our waitresses but please pay your copay on the way out.

Anywho, it’s up to you if you add meds to your food, but please consult your physician and don’t take me seriously.

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

Are You An Upside-Down Pineapple?

So last Friday I posted this picture of myself on social media. Every Friday this summer I’m posting a pick of myself in a Hawaiian shirt. I have quite a collection.

But the picture above garnered more comments and attention than my usual Hawaiian shirt pictures. I bet that some of you know why. I didn’t and was surprised why this shirt caught peoples attention. About 60% of the pineapples on the shirt are upside down. I thought that was odd, but just figured that Old Navy was getting rid of some misprint shirts cheap. I was very naïve for thinking that.

Traditionally the pineapple is a symbol of welcoming. Flags and signs like the one above can be seen all over the world indicating welcome and friendship. Apparently some people use the upside down pineapple as a symbol of being really, really friendly.

As it turns out, the upside down pineapple when displayed on your clothing or as a decoration on your house indicates that you’re a swinger! According to google, the informal definition of the word swinger is “a person who engages in group sex or the swapping of sexual partners.” 

Now all those pineapple upside down cakes that my mom used to make suddenly seem very suspicious. That could explain why us kids had to go to bed when they invited the neighbors over for parties in the basement. Now I’m wondering if our basement was a secret sex dungeon. I’m also wondering if Old Navy is really a swingers cult. When does the deception end? Is my dad really my dad, or was it my next door neighbor? Now that I’ve worn the shirt, am I a swinger? Is someone swinging with me right now?!!?

When the weather turns cold I’m getting this sweatshirt

Suddenly thanks to one of my favorite fruits, my whole life is a lie. If you want to read a little more about swinger symbols so you can either encourage or avoid attention read this fun article from Men’s Health magazine. And if you are an upside down pineapple, well, you already know what to do!  ; )

Have a great day! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! Clown Lives Matter!

I’m posting this throwback post from 2016 because I love creepy clown stuff weirding people out.

Phil clown

Many of you are familiar with the current clown crisis in the United States. I would like to say that me reporting on it and a guy in Northampton, England who did it, were way ahead of the curve. Back in Sept. 2013 I wrote about the Northampton Clown.

If you’re not familiar with the “clown crisis” in the United States, first let me decrease your anxiety by stating that it has nothing to do with Donald Trump.

The clown crisis is a trend of people dressing as creepy clowns and behaving in somewhat menacing ways in random places towards random strangers. Imagine getting home from work after dark. You get out of your car and no one else is around. Suddenly a creepy clown steps out of the bushes or from between a couple nearby cars and starts walking towards you. Yeah, it’s stuff like that that’s been going on constantly all over the United States for about two months now.

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It’s become such a trending topic that on Twitter Stephen King said:

Really Steve? You are completely responsible for people being afraid of clowns in the first place.

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Guess what everybody? I’ve got a hunch that the clown crisis started as a publicity stunt for…a movie remake of IT that’s scheduled to be released next year. Yes, IT was a movie in 1990 and because Hollywood has run out of original ideas, they’ve made another one. It’s in post-production now. I’m thinking that some marketing genius decided to try to start kind of an underground Blair Witch-like independent buzz about scary clowns and hired some actors to pop up in creepy clown costumes. It worked, but it bred teenage idiotic copycats.

Sadly however, it’s always the children clowns that suffer. Yes, there is outcry from all over the country from “real” clowns that the recent outbreak of creepy clowns is scaring people away. Watch this short video interview:

Did he just say, “John Wayne Gacy. Nice guy as a clown, I’m told by clown people.”?!!?  First of all, who has “clown people” ? Although I’m sure many of you think I’m a clown people kind of guy, surprisingly I’m not.

Sadly, the mean, scary clown craze has ruined the clowning industry. According to an interview with Yo Yo the clown, of Syracuse, “These creepy clowns walking through the neighborhoods is really disturbing for us good clowns who just want to make people happy,” Yo Yo said. “There are a lot of good clowns out there.” Yo Yo, You’re damn right there are a lot of good clowns out there. So why don’t they do something about it? Why can’t the good clowns patrol our neighborhoods and fight the creepy clowns? I want a full on Clown War! Or at least a Netflix original series based on that premise.

I believe however that the creepy clown craze has just about run it’s cycle. How do I know this? Because there’s a #ClownLivesMatter movement. Just check the hashtag on Twitter. Someone has organized a #ClownLivesMatter peace walk in Arizona. Seriously, now we’re doing a 5K to support serious clowns? I can’t wait for the ribbon magnet to put on the back of my car. Of course if I do, I’ll be able to fit like 20 people in there.

Hey, just for fun, since I’ve used the hashtag #ClownLivesMatter, could all of you click either or both the Facebook and Twitter share buttons below? I’d love to see this post show up really high in the Google list when people do a search for #ClownLivesMatter. Have a great Thursday! Just don’t do  too much clowning around ~Phil

Proof of Alien Life?

The idea of beings from other planets or solar systems has been with us for almost as long as humans have been here on planet Earth, yet absolute proof has escaped us. Take a deep breath and brace yourself for this next sentence. Here it is: We, (when I say we, I don’t mean me and everyone reading this. I mean human scientists)  may have proof of alien existence. Yes, and they (and when I say “they” I mean some authority somewhere) seem to be trying to downplay this so that we don’t panic. The whole Russia invading Ukraine thing may even be concocted to distract us from the fact that there’s proof of aliens. OK, OK, I’ll get to the scientific proof. Next paragraph…

According to USA TodayA team of astronomers discovered “something unusual” – a mysterious object sending bursts of energy every 20 minutes. The object is about 4,000 light-years away, but its energy bursts were so big that it was one of the largest radio sources in the sky. The burst happened for one minute, every 20 minutes before it disappeared for a few hours, then repeated the cycle, according to a study published in the journal Nature. “This object was appearing and disappearing over a few hours during our observations,” said Natasha Hurley-Walker, astrophysicist and lead author of the study. “It was kind of spooky for an astronomer because there’s nothing known in the sky that does that.”

Ok, let’s think about what they just said. The lead author of the study said it was spooky. That’s definitely concerning, right? If  somebody with a Ph.D. in astrophysics is spooked, I’m worried.

They also said that “there’s nothing in the sky that does that.” Well, apparently there is, isn’t there?  Then at the end they offhandedly wrap things up with “Seth Shostak, senior astronomer at the SETI Institute, said there’s no need to worry about aliens, because although it’s definitely an unusual discovery, it is “obviously nature.”

Really Seth? NATURE?!!? Nature is sending out massive radio signals on a regular schedule? I’ve never heard of any nature on Earth, other than humans, sending out radio signals. Has the ocean, llamas or trees ever sent out any radio signals that could be picked up on the other side of the universe? NO. Our nature doesn’t do that, but we do and we have nuclear weapons, so the logical conclusion is that aliens with similar weapons are sending out radio signals and it’s probably not songs from Bruno Mars. (see what I did there? Radio signals from space & Bruno Mars?) And if there is alien life on other planets, doesn’t that also imply the existence of a Bruno Saturn and Bruno Uranus?

ALF

What really pisses me off is that scientists can get radio signals from 4,000 light years away and Verizon can’t get me their alleged 5G signal if I’m inside the supermarket.

Shouldn’t this be a bigger story? As a human race we’ve got to hope that the aliens shooting out those radio signals are more like Alf and Marvin the Martian than the alien from Alien. Keep an eye on the sky, and I’ll keep you posted. 

Have a great Sunday!~Phil

Snowpocalypse 2022! (aka snow in the South)

It’s happening this weekend. The annual snowpocalypse in the southeastern United States. For those of you reading from other countries, there are parts of the United States that get a lot of snow for about four months every year. I live in one of those unfortunate places. For us, getting a foot (30 centimetres) of snow overnight just means that we have to spend a little extra time clearing our driveway before we go to work. In the southeastern region of the United States they get snow about once a year, and when they get it, it’s about one to three inches (2-6 centimetres). What makes us Northerners laugh is their reaction to it, or rather their overreaction to it.

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Now I know that making fun of southerners reaction to snow is as easy as shooting fish in a barrel, which is apparently something they do in the South. Maybe that’s why they get so upset by snow. Maybe their barrels freeze over and they can’t shoot fish. We’ve all seen news footage of people fleeing a hail of bullets during a terrorist attack. That’s exactly how people in the south flee a hail of…well, hail. Although in the South they’ll try shooting back first, because everyone in the south in America is ‘packing’.

A few years ago Atlanta, Georgia got a couple inches of snow one day and immediately every motor vehicle on the road just stopped. They didn’t break down or anything, they all put it in park and just sat there waiting for the sun to return. School buses full of children on their way home stopped. The kids slept overnight on the buses parked on the highways.  Businesses everywhere just closed up until the white stuff was all gone.

Remember when you were a kid and you and your siblings would play that game where you pretend the floor is lava and you have to jump from furniture to furniture? That’s southerners with snow.

This is how we handle snow on the roads up north:

reddit.com

If you own a grocery store in the south, you pray for that snowmaggedon each year because southerners imagine that when that two inches of snow hits, they’re going to have to “hunker down” and survive in their homes for who knows how long. If two inches of snow is forecast, families start drawing straws to see which family member they’ll eat first when they run out of food.

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I don’t know if there’s any phenomena quite like this anywhere else in the world. If any of you from other countries know of the same or a similar pattern of behavior in your country, I’d love to hear about it.

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

I Wear a Mask Because…

Guess what? I’m not wearing a mask because the “government” said I should. I’m not wearing a mask because I’m afraid of the virus. I’m not wearing a mask because my job makes me. And I’m not wearing a mask because it makes me look cool. But make no mistake, I do look cool as hell in a mask.

Here’s my deal: I have a great immune system. I just don’t get sick. The last time I remember having the flu was in 1986. I did take a sick day from work once about 5 years ago, but I wasn’t really sick. In addition to my incredible immune system, I am vaccinated A.F. In 2021 I have received three COVID shots, one flu shot and two shingles vaccinations. That’s six vaccinations! The chances of me getting COVID, the flu, or any other transmissible disease is almost nil. I’m not wearing a mask for me. So why do I wear a mask?

I wear a mask for you. Although I’m vaccinated A.F., I could still catch COVID and never know it, but still be transmitting it by breathing out. Someone who is unvaccinated or has a compromised immune system could catch it and end up dead. Wearing a mask is the right thing to do as a human being. If you’re not wearing a mask because you don’t like that your government said you should, you’re an idiot. (but please keep reading because I’m making a point here)

Regardless of what country you are reading this from, your government tells you to do things all the time and you have done them for your entire life. Seat belts in cars? We all wear them. The chances of us getting in a car accident is pretty slim, but if we do, it could kill us. The chances of us getting COVID are relatively slim, but if we do, it could kill us. Masks are like seat belts for our immune system.

Darth Vader making masks cool since 1976

By the way, Darth Vader didn’t die in the movie until he took his mask off.  Additionally, if you wear a mask and put on some medical scrubs that you can buy lots of places, people will think you’re a healthcare worker and occasionally give you free meals at restaurants. Also, tomorrow is Halloween! You’re not opposed to putting on a mask for free candy, but you won’t put one on to save your own life?!!? In summation, if you are opposed to masks, don’t read #ThePhilFactor.

Have a great weekend! ~Phil

If Jesus Had To Get Followers Now…

Hey everybody, before you read this, I’m not trying to make any religious statement. I’m just trying to make jokes, and not at the expense of any particular religion.  If Christianity is not your religion, feel free to, in your mind, change the name Jesus to Yaweh, Krishna, Laozi, or the Kardashians. 

Jesus: Hey Matthew, look at my Facebook. I only have 12 followers, and that includes you! Ugh! Why are they all dudes? What’s the deal, why won’t more people follow me? I’m a likable guy, right? And I’m not too ugly or anything, right?

Apostle Matthew: Yes Jesus, you have a great head of hair and the beard is hugely popular this century. I know you thought it would be just like the last time you came back, but 2000 years have passed. Things are different now. You can’t just walk around and tell everyone you’re the son of God and expect them to follow you. There’s someone on every corner in New York City saying that. On the positive side, in a lot of countries, people liked your previous work so well that generations of parents have named their sons Jesus.

Jesus: What about those road shows we used to do? You know, you me and the boys just show up in some town and I cure a leper and put out a nice spread of bread and fish for lunch.  People loved that!

Apostle Matthew: Nowadays, to get a great following you have to be good on what they call “social media.”

Jesus: Hmm… what is this social media? Does it have anything to do with those little black rectangles everybody is staring at? People don’t seem very social when they do that.  I thought those were just tiny bibles.

Apostle Matthew: (a little chuckle) No Big J, those are not tiny bibles. You know that laptop computer that I’ve been teaching you to use? Everyone can do the same stuff, but they do it on those little rectangles. You’ve got to get with the times man.

Jesus: Ok, so can you teach me how to “social media” our message to all their social media rectangles? Should I start a blog? I saw some good blogs online.

Apostle Matthew: Lol, dude, you are so funny. blogs are so 2008. But we can work on getting you a following. Me and a bunch of dudes is only going to seem like a cult. We’ve got to get some other people involved.  First,  you need two things. The first is a kick ass Tik Tok. The kids love Tik Tok. And Twitter. If you can get good on Twitter and Tik Tok you can get a great following.

Jesus: That’s great. I can’t believe you know all this stuff already. Can you teach me how to Twitter and TikTok?

Apostle Matthew: Ok, first we have to make some funny, catchy videos. You’re going to have to practice your dance moves too, but only for 30 seconds.

Jesus: Wait, what’s a video? (Matthew just sighs and shakes his head)

Ok, you’re back to me now. Hopefully no one was too offended. Have a great week! ~Phil

Do You Want To Learn To Travel The World?

Today’s the day! My travel blog, Philliver’s Travels, launched today with THREE groundbreaking posts you won’t want to miss!

  1. The Drunk That Saved Pittsburgh!– A funny story from my travels
  2. Travel Hacking with The Basic Travel Couple-Learn how to travel without breaking the bank!
  3. An Interview with International Travel Writer Bel Woodhouse– Have you ever wanted to live overseas? Learn what it’s like to live and travel internationally from an expert!

Like I’ve said before, The Phil Factor isn’t going away, but it will have to share my attention with Philliver’s Travels, and as always, I am very grateful for your reading and support. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

Should I Write a Travel Blog? A Phil Factor Poll?!!?

A beach in The Bahamas

After 16 years of trying to be funny, I’m thinking of branching out. Over the last 15 years I’ve traveled more than most, but not as much as some. I love traveling and I love dreaming of new places that I want to see up close. I’m considering starting a travel blog incorporating reviews of hotels, attractions and restaurants, interviews with real travel experts, and humorous stories about things that have occurred in my travels. Would this be a blog/website you’d want to read? Or are there too many travel writers out there? I’d love your feedback, comments and suggestions. If you were to have only one travel blog/website to read, what would you want to hear about? Please vote on my poll and share your thoughts in the comments.

Ok, I think they’ve removed the poll option from the admin options. I’ve installed a plug-in for polls and I don’t like it already. If you think I should add a travel blog to The Phil Factor portfolio, please hit like and if you’re feeling generous, I’d love comments with suggestions about what you like when you’re reading travel reviews or articles.

Thanks! Have a great day! ~Phil