Tag Archives: humor

The Top Ten Alcohol Inspired Baby Names!

I got the idea for this because I heard that a pregnant woman was on Facebook asking friends for suggestions for her baby’s name. She was leaning towards Jameson because that’s the whiskey she was drinking when the baby was conceived. Well, probably not right at the moment the baby was conceived, but possibly.

Jack Daniels: How many boys do you think are already named Jack Daniel? In Tennessee, probably too many.

Captain Morgan: Good rum, bad name

Beefeater: A very descriptive first name that would be ironic for a British vegetarian.

Fireball: Sounds like a great name for a red head or a track star. Or a red-headed track star.

Hornitos: The Spanish word for horny. How perfect is that? I’m pretty sure that this child’s parents were Hornitos.

Wild Turkey: Let’s be honest, this describes most boys until about the age of 30.

Kahlua & Cream: An ideal name for a set of twins

White Russian: An perfect name for a Donald Trump supporter

Bloody Mary: Not very flattering

Menage a Trois: Especially appropriate if she was having a threesome.

Yes, on that last one, I don’t know how to do the accent marks on my keyboard and wasn’t interested in finding out. If I move to Spain or France, I suppose I’ll have to figure that out. If you’ve got some funny ideas for other alcohol related baby names, please add them in the comments. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

TBT! I Think I’m Allergic To Allergies (Caution: This Post May Contain Gluten & Nuts)

(Aug. 29, 2015) Why is everyone allergic to everything? And why hasn’t modern medicine fixed these allergies? When I was a kid everything was made of gluten and nuts. The tags on our clothes said, “This clothing contains gluten and nuts. Every kind of nuts. There’s too many to count. Anyway if you get hives or can’t breathe, it’s purely coincidental. Suck it up and develop some immunity buttercup. Wash in warm water. Tumble dry on low.”  We even had toy guns that shot gluten and nuts. Now, everyone is either so allergic or so paranoid that you’d be on a National Security Agency list if you walked into an airport with a back pack full of gluten. Schools practically go into a full lock down if you walk in with a peanut.

And what is it with you fragrance allergic people? Where did you come from? When I was a kid we just smelled stuff and nobody broke out in hives. How about if you don’t like a smell you could just plug your nose so the rest of your office doesn’t have to go without deodorant. What ever happened to the concept of majority rules? Now we’ve become so politically correct that anytime one single little thing bothers one person, anyone within a ten block radius has to give up whatever the hell it is that patient zero is “sensitive” to.

I love this kid.

I love this kid.

That’s the worst when it isn’t even a real allergy and it’s only just a “sensitivity” to something. What’s that? You have a sensitivity to something? Do you break down crying when it’s around? It sounds like you have permanent PMS about one particular thing. (Sorry ladies, I know the struggle is real. Trust me, I know.)

Guess what? I’m mildly blue/green colorblind. Should I ask my company not to create any charts, graphs or marketing pieces in the colors of green and blue? No. Of course not! I suck it up and figure it out. I’d also like you gluten free people to try that. I don’t care if you’re allergic to gluten. Just shut up and eat food without gluten. Why does it have to be a big production? Why do the rest of us have to hear about it at every single frickin’ meal we eat with you? I’m lactose intolerant. Guess what? I don’t drink milk! You know what else? I let everyone around me drink all the milk they want.

GlutenAllergy-Graphic

How about if there were gluten free and nut free businesses? Hypo-allergenic schools? How great would that be? All the nut free/gluten free people could go to school and work and restaurants that they know are safe for them. Let’s throw the fragrance free nuts in there too. The rest of us could go about our lives enjoying gluten, nuts and smells anywhere we want. I’m not going to go so far as to suggest that the allergy crowd not reproduce, but I would like to see a law saying that they can’t reproduce with other allergy people. If the allergy folks reproduced with normal people eventually their mutant recessive allergy genes would be eliminated from the gene pool and in the future there would be no more problems with weird allergies! I’m a genius, right?

Ok, this was completely tongue in cheek. Yes, I realize it was completely insensitive. Yes, I know people have died from allergic reactions. Guess what though? We also need to be less sensitive about jokes. If everyone gets offended by everything and the comedians clean up their acts so as not to offend anyone, then comedy wouldn’t be fun. Remember the massacre at the headquarters of the French comedy magazine in January? Those shooters were  people that couldn’t take a joke.  If you are gluten or nut free I hope you can laugh at yourself a little and not show up at my house with guns. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! Who Is The New host of Jeopardy, Alex?

This was originally from March 2013 when nobody was reading me. This post is relevant because 107 year old Jeopardy host Alex Trebek announced this week that he would retire in 2020. I’ll believe it when I see it Alex. You’ve teased me like this before. Also, read down to the last paragraph to see who was Alex’s supposed replacement in 2013. Very interesting….

trebek

Don’t know what I was thinkin’ of
I guess I just wasn’t too bright
Well, I sure hope I do better
Next weekend on The Price Is Right, -ight, -ight
I lost on Jeopardy, baby (oooh)  ~ Weird Al Yankovic

The answer is Phil Taylor for $500. After all these years my dream job is finally available! Rumor is that if Alex Trebek lives long enough to complete the 2014-2015 season he will finally retire. From blogger to Jeopardy host! My ascension to the throne is near. Admit it; if you’re being perfectly honest with yourself, once Alex shaved off his porn mustache he completely lost his game show host mojo. That is not a mistake I will make. I am in fact working on a handlebar mustache as we speak.

What is jumping to conclusions Alex? Not so fast my little pretty.  I’m not going to be happy just hosting Jeopardy! I’m going to revamp and revitalize that tired old game show to return it to its rightful place as an American institution as respected as the Presidency itself. How am I going to do that you ask? Please state your answer in the form of a question. What is, introducing new categories Alex? For a while Jeopardy was fun, but eventually the common man (me) got tired of Alex and all the smug little contestants and their snooty little answers to Potent Potables and Potpourri.

Categories I would introduce would include Beer Pong Rules, Lindsay Lohan arrests, and Crazy Celebrity Quotes. Oddly,  the correct answer to every question in all three categories is “Who is Alec Baldwin?”. The Visual Daily Double will be Name that Roadkill. Which brings me to the next change I would make to the show.

Enough with the “I’m sorry; the answer must be in the form of a question.” If it’s in the form of a question, it’s not an answer, it’s a question! That idea had to be some weird Canadian voodoo Alex brought across the border from our neighbors to the North. On Phil Taylor’s Jeopardy! if you get an answer right I don’t care how you say it, as long as you don’t say it in Canadian. I can’t believe Alex Trebek didn’t get punched in the face more often over this rule.

On Phil Taylor’s Jeopardy! there will also be no more High School Week or College Week either. All of us grown adults who have navigated the universe successfully enough to get where we are do not need any snot nosed little punks acting all superior because they know a word that rhymes with orange.

Right now the talk is that Matt Lauer has the inside track on the job. Puh-leeze! His popularity is receding faster than his hairline. If you’d like to support my bid for Jeopardy! host, after Alex retires or is the victim of an unfortunate accident, you can follow me on Facebook or try my humorous murder mystery novel, White Picket Prisons, available for just $2.99 on Amazon, Barnes & Noble and iTunes.  I also want to say a quick welcome to all those who came to The Phil Factor from Candy’s Raves after reading my guest post this week.

Stupid Things I Read This Week

Tom Cruise is seven years older than Wilford Brimley was when he played a grandfather in Cocoon in 1985. There’s two things that tells me; 1) Scientology and Just For Men hair dye are preserving Tom Cruise like a canned ham. You know how some crazy, rich celebrities and athletes sleep in an oxygen chamber to stay young? I’m certain that Tom Cruise sleeps in an a float therapy tank full of potassium sorbate 2) Wilford Brimley was born 50 years old. Look at that mustache. It would take me 50 years to grow one like that. Also, is Wilford Brimley not the oldest name in the history of names? I’m pretty sure that Wilford was one of the apostles. (Fun fact: Me and Tom Cruise were born in the same hospital)

A Lake In Mars? Who Cares!

This is another news story that gets “scientists” excited but does the rest of the world no good. Apparently “scientists” have discovered there may be an underground lake in Mars. How does this help us? The idea of water on Mars allegedly may be indicative that there once was or is some form of life. As I learned from Star Trek, just because our version of life needs water to survive, it doesn’t mean that life in the rest of the universe is exactly the same. And how many billions of dollars did it cost “scientists” to find this ridiculous Mars lake? How about using those billions of dollars to fix problems on Earth, where we live? I bet if you took the money it took to find the Mars lake and used it to put every terrorist into an apartment with a Netflix subscription there would be no more terror attacks. Or you could use the money to pay off at least 60% of the women Donald Trump has had affairs with. Hey “scientists” if you want me to stop calling you “scientists” in quotes, then do something really useful.

Hot Cheetos on the Hot Seat

This was the headline I saw earlier this week: Teen Had To Have Gallbladder Removed, Hot Cheetos May Be To Blame : A 17 year old from Tennessee…  She was eating four bags a day of Hot Cheetos. She was bringing bags to school. WTF? How about parents? Did she have any of those? The headline should say Parents Let Child Eat Herself Into Surgery! And obviously the teen was not a rocket scientist. But she’s obviously smart enough to be a “scientist.” Hey, maybe she should drink some of that Mars water to offset the hot cheetos.

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

 

Throwback Thursday! Golfing with Ghosts

(Aug 1, 2015) “It is a talent of the soul to discover the joy in pain—-thinking of moments you long for, and knowing you’ll never have them again. The beautiful ghosts of our past haunt us, and yet we still can’t decide if the pain they caused us outweighs the tender moments when they touched our soul.” ~Shannon L. Alder

golfstinks.com

golfstinks.com

I’m golfing with ghosts, or for ghosts or both this weekend. What I am doing is returning to my hometown to spend the weekend with two of my childhood friends. We’ve known each other since we were in diapers and will still know each other when we’re in diapers again. I think that’s a pretty amazing thing. If you’ve read either of my novels, two of the Golden Boys characters in them are based on these guys. In addition to my two life long friends, I will also be seeing many friends from high school at our hometown bar and at a memorial golf tournament the following day. It will be a weekend filled with the ghosts of my past.

It is a bittersweet occasion however. We are golfing in a tournament to raise money for a scholarship fund in the name of one of our high school classmates, Sara,  who passed away far too young a two years ago.  I hope that wherever she is, she can see the goings on this weekend. I hope that she is a ghost walking among us at the bar and the golf course and, like George Bailey, seeing and hearing the lasting impact she made on those around her. I also hope she can help with my golf swing like Patrick Swayze helped Demi Moore with her pottery, because I really have not been practicing. The phrase “danger to self and others” comes to mind.

Why is ghost Patrick Swayze not wearing a shirt?

Why is ghost Patrick Swayze not wearing a shirt?

If George Bailey had Clarence as his own personal angel, Sara has had Michelle, Debbie, Theresa, Cindy, Sandy, and Sally as her escorting angels for the last three years as they have kept her memory alive in the form of the scholarship that bears her name.

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I’m not sure why, but I’m sentimental. I love to visit my past and remember. That’s what I mean when I say I’m visiting ghosts this weekend. Not only the very literal ghost of a classmate, but the ghosts of my past.  It’s almost as if I can see and hear the echoes of our younger selves. When I look at someone I knew years ago I see their younger self imposed upon the middle-aged adult I’m looking at. I instantly recall conversations and hijinks from years ago.  (Yes, I’m so old that I used the word hijinks) It’s like my memory has bookmarks and I’m just turning back to a dog-eared page.

A lot of people, therapists included, will say that you shouldn’t live in the past. I agree, we shouldn’t live there, but I don’t think it’s a bad place to visit occasionally. Sometimes the past was pretty damned good and it can remind us of parts of us, good parts, that we may have forgotten amidst the mortgages, stress, and careers that have slowly, inexorably filled our present. I’m hoping however that this weekend I’ll be haunted by ghosts and, if I’m lucky, I’ll get to dog-ear a few more pages that I can re-visit in the future.

Have a great weekend! I know I will. ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! The Ten Worst Ideas For Top Ten Lists

10. The Top Ten Rashes Shaped Like Presidents

9. The Ten Most Horrific Diseases You Didn’t Know About

funny-dog-pictures-scary-dog-can-he

8. Ten Ways Your Pets Might Kill You

7. The Ten Worst Ideas for Top Ten Lists

6. Ten Ways To Tell If Your Spouse Doesn’t Love You

5. The Ten Most Painful Things That Could Happen To You

4. Ten Reasons You’ll Never Really Find Happiness

cartoon-poop

3. The Ten Most Unusual Bowel Movements Ever 

2. Ten Ways Your Children Will Disappoint You

Preview (1)

1. Ten Things Living Inside Your Body Right Now

So who wants me to actually look up and create lists for all of these? And which one would be the absolute worst for you to read? Or do you have another suggestion for the list? Have a great Tuesday everyone! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! Are You A Vapist?

mrlongdrag.com

(July 25,2015) Yaaa! Vaping’s going to save all the smokers! No more lung cancer! Vaping isn’t addictive! You know what? Some of those beliefs are true and some are not, and some are as cloudy as the exhale of an e-cig smoker.

If “smoking” an e-cigarette, or rather an e-cig/mod type device is referred to as vaping, then a person who does it must be vapist, right?  For all future discussion on the subject, that’s what we’ll call them. What they exhale is less toxic than regular lit on fire cigarettes but is no less offensive. Think about it. If a vapist inhales and then exhales the vapor, on the way out it contains tiny, airborne droplets  of their saliva, mucus, and whatever disease they may be carrying. It’s just like spitting on someone. A little known fact is that the plague of the 1300’s that wiped out half of Europe was not, as people believe, carried by rats, but by vapists. Same thing really though.

...SAID NO ONE EVER

…SAID NO ONE EVER

Am I being too harsh on vapists here? Sure, maybe, but I don’t see a huge difference between smoking and vaping. Vapists say e-cigs are safer than smoking. Great, more vapists will live longer. There goes the Darwinism/natural selection effect of regular cigarettes.

Yes, you don’t get the toxins from the combustion of burning something, but guess what? Vaping is essentially freebasing nicotine. Freebasing first became popular in the 1980’s when cocaine addicts, probably out of their minds on cocaine, wanted to find a faster way to get the cocaine to their brain. Yaaa! Now smokers can get the addictive substance absorbed faster, meaning that e-cigs are more addicting! One of the vaping articles I read said, “…when you take a hit…” Take a hit? That’s a drug term isn’t it?

weheartit.com

weheartit.com

Seriously smokers, do you really think this whole vaping thing is a health trend? With cigarettes being practically taxed through the roof and outlawed anywhere but in your own basement, the traditional cigarette market is being killed off, so someone, probably a recovering cocaine addict who still smoked, invented vaping. Now smokers are being vaped out of their money just as effectively. It’s uber-addicting and once you get started you keep coming back for more.

Lastly, I’d like to make fun of a type. A type? Yes, a type of vapist. Ponytail guy who vapes. Ugh. Ponytail guy is the worst isn’t he? Even if he’s not a vapist, ponytail guy is making some sort of statement with that hair, and it’s never good is it? Then you throw in vaping and ponytail guy trying to convince you that it’s cool, healthier than smoking and a fun hobby and well, who wants to be around that? That’s almost as annoying as the home brew guys who make their own beer and trap you at a party or bar and spend an hour telling you about different kinds of beer.

I’m sure that this post is going to make some people mad and I’m also sure there are some wonderful people who are vapists, (I think the Pope is a vapist) but it’s not my thing, and so I make fun of it. If you are a vapist, have one in your life, or just like sharing sarcasm far and wide feel free to share #ThePhilFactor by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. Have a great weekend! ~Phil