Tag Archives: humor

Ten Unusual Things I’m Thankful For

This is another of my annual features that I’ve written since 2005. (Don’t believe me, click this. It’s my Thankful post from 2005 ) I like to do this post every year because it forces me, and hopefully you to think “outside the box.” Then again, who cops to be an inside the box thinker? How would that go at a job interview? “My strengths? Umm…well, I’ve never had an original thought. My ideas are exactly what you’d expect and probably a lot like the bloke you let go. If you need a problem solved, I’m definitely not your man.” Anywho, back to today’s thankful theme.  Yes, of course I’m thankful for family, friends, career and health. That goes without saying. Here are some unusual things that I’m thankful for:

10. Stovetop Stuffing: Everyone please stop pretending that your Grandma/Mom/Wife’s stuffing is good. It’s not. It’s just soggy bits of bread with unidentifiable “spices” that may or may not be cat urine. Stovetop Stuffing is always light, fluffy, delicious and I can make it it myself. It’s so good it even has it’s own website. Does your Mom’s stuffing have a website?

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9. Twitter: It’s an amazing tool for connecting the world and spreading information at the speed of megabytes. It’s also the funniest place in the world. You know when you’re in a meeting at work and you think of something really funny to say but you can’t because you’d get fired? Somewhere someone else is in a meeting thinking the same thing and they’re tweeting it. But I definitely do not scroll through Twitter when I’m on work conference calls. If you’re not following me on Twitter, get at me @thephilfactor

8. Your Votes: My book, Time To Lie, is in the AllAuthor.com Cover of the Month Contest. I’ve advanced to the final round. I’m in 5th so far, but only the top 3 win some free advertising on their website. If you’ve got a moment, you can vote by clicking THIS LINK, and since it’s a new round, if you’ve voted before, you can vote again.

7. The Outdoors: Sometimes I put my phone down and look around at things outdoors, like sunsets and rainbows, and think, “Man this is pretty kick ass.” I’m glad I don’t live on a planet where’s there’s no oxygen and I have to stay indoors all the time.

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6. Horny Hindi’s: Thanks to this post I wrote in March of 2015, almost half my reads every day are of that one post. I’m considering writing a blog just for the Hindi speaking population. They seem to like me better than you English speaking folks.

5. Backflipping Robots: Some are worried about robots taking over the world in the not too distant future. Not me. I can’t wait. Especially if robots can entertain us like this:

4. The Internet: Yes, the internet is the source of all manner of trouble, but at the same time it’s also the source of so many good things. Like funny cat videos on YouTube. Go ahead, click that. You know you want to.

3.Thanksgiving is only one day: Yes, I’m thankful Thanksgiving is only one day. Heck, I’d be ecstatic if it was only one hour. At least it doesn’t get a whole month. Thanksgiving is not that great of a holiday. If the main meal were pizza or scallops wrapped in bacon however, it would be my favorite holiday.

2. That Tie: That picture above is a tie that a co-worker gave me twenty years ago and I have worn it for work the day before Thanksgiving every year since. Thank you Barb.

1. All of You: Yes, this is corny and obvious, but it’s true. I’m thankful for all of you, friends, family, co-workers, and strangers from all over the world. You make my day with your likes and comments. Happy American Thanksgiving to you no matter where you’re reading this from. In the comments, why don’t you post one unusual thing that you’re thankful for today.

Have a great day! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Things You’ll Wish You Didn’t Know

11. On Thanksgiving every year thirteen people die while reading blogs. OK, I made that one up, but the rest might be true because I read them on the internet.

10. FDA regulations allow 10 insects and 35 fruit fly eggs per 8 oz of raisins. Yum! Natures candy!

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9. When the sun goes out we will only have eight minutes and nineteen seconds before it gets very, very cold.

8. Your cell phone has more bacteria than your toilet.

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7. The movie Toy Story is full of references to the movie The Shining. See that carpet in Sid’s room? Same one from the Overlook Hotel in The Shining.

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6. Depending upon the brand of toilet paper you use, fecal matter can travel through up to ten layers.

5. If you can smell it, then there are microscopic particles of it in your nose. We breathe in about a liter of farts per day.

Doll from The Conjuring

Doll from The Conjuring

4. There is a real island to the South of Mexico City that is said to be one of the most haunted places in the world. The place is called, Isle de la Muñecas, or Island of the Dolls, and hanging in its trees are thousands of extremely scary dolls that are constantly watching.The story goes that the caretaker of the island began hanging the dolls up in trees after he found the body of girl in the water. As time went by, the caretaker began to complain that he heard voices whispering for him to come back to the place where he found the drowned girl. No one paid attention until the day he was found dead, drowned in the same place as she had, no witnesses except for the thousands of glass eyes nearby.

3. Over the course of our lifetime we inadvertently eat two pounds of dirt.

2. In the United States 2500 left handed people die every year due to using equipment designed for right handers.

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1. The odds of you dying on your way to buy a lottery tickets are actual better than your odds of winning the lottery.

Which one disturbs you the most? Personally, I’m a little worried about the left handers. I’m not one, but it would be a shame to see their species become extinct. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

280 Characters? For Donald Trump?!!? Yikes!

Yes, Twitter has gone and done it this time. Donald Trump brought us to the brink of a nuclear war with North Korea using only 140 characters. What he might do with 280 is mind boggling. If you’re a little confused, here’s what I’m talking about: Since it’s creation in 2006 Twitter has limited users tweets to 140 characters or less. About two weeks ago Twitter began allowing users to use up to 280 characters.

Over the years Donald has had some really interesting tweets. I wonder how they might be different if he could have said twice as much. Let’s look at a few, shall we?

with 140 more characters Trump would go on to say: Robert you can do much better than her. Like me for instance. I’m rich and handsome. Mostly rich.

with more characters he would have likely gone on to say: But the election, that’s your fault. Well, not really your fault. Mostly the Russians, but I’m in now and there’s nothing you can do about it. Sad!

Given more leeway Trump would add: I’m your new God now. All bow down to me! The Bible said Jesus was the savior. Fake news!

Some of Donald Trumps tweets to Eminem after he got elected:

If Donald could have expanded his rapping repertoire he might have also said: Don’t look back cuz my hair is whack. I’m your new Prez now and my face is orange you’re a washed up rapper who…shit, nothing rhymes with orange. Covfefe! 

With more characters available he later went back and edited the tweet to say: I don’t understand irony. My grandparents weren’t immigrants because they bought Manhattan and gave it to me. 

Not too French? Apparently Donald isn’t overly familiar with our neighbors to the North. With more characters he might have gone on to say: If I had to kiss a foreign leader it would be him. Reminds me of Robert Pattinson. 

I could do this all day. Before you go, would you mind voting in one more election? My Time To Lie book cover is up for AllAuthor.com’s Cover of The Month. I really, really need all the votes I can get to move into the top three. If you have a few seconds I’d appreciate your vote. Click THIS LINK to vote. If I win, I promise not to tweet any crazy things.

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

Throwback Thursdays! P.T. Phone Home

(Nov. 8, 2014) Funny thing; I just discovered that my texting device has an app to make phone calls too. Isn’t modern technology great? What will they think of next?

You like to think that you’re immune to the stuff…oh yeah. It’s closer to the truth to say you can’t get enough. You’re gonna have to face it. You’re addicted to”  your phone?

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I got a new phone this week. I admit it, I’m a phone addict. The first step is admitting you’re powerless over your phone. I think as a society we’re addicted to our phones. For some it may be the constant contact with family and friends, for others it’s the constant access to information, some people never want to be out of touch with their job, and some just like goofy little games.

Cell phone addiction is a problem though. It distracts us from our jobs, our driving and our loved ones when they’re sitting right in front of us. So how do we cure our phone addiction? You get yourself a NoPhone!

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According to the campaign on Kickstarter, “Phone addiction is real. And it’s everywhere. It’s ruining your dates. It’s distracting you at concerts. It’s disrupting you in movie theaters. It’s clogging up sidewalks. Now, there is a real solution. With a thin, light and completely wireless design, the NoPhone acts as a surrogate to any smart mobile device, enabling you to always have a rectangle of smooth, cold plastic to clutch without forgoing any potential engagement with your direct environment. Never again experience the unsettling feeling of flesh on flesh when closing your hand.” The feeling of “flesh on flesh when closing your hand”? Isn’t that what you get when you hold hands with someone? Ugh (shudders) who wouldn’t want to avoid that?

I was going to come up with a list of other hilarious placebo products for a variety of addictions when I realized that it’s already been done. The NoPhone idea isn’t crazy, it’s brilliant! Think about it, for smokers there’s the e-cigarettes, for diabetics, technically not an addiction, there’s all kinds of sugar-free treats, for sex addicts there’s plenty of …ahem…devices and dolls. I don’t think alcoholics should have non-alcoholic beer, but hey, it’s out there too.  For the cleaning/germ-o-phobe addicts, send them to my house! Our society is full of placebos and surrogates for our vices. What’s that saying? Fake it till you make it! Here’s my million dollar idea; my Kickstarter campaign kicks off next week. Why not put a big, black box in someones living room to cure them of television addiction? With all the flat screen TV’s now, I think you could just paint a black rectangle on their wall.

In all honesty, this post was just an excuse for the E.T. picture at the top. If you haven’t yet, please vote for my book cover in the AllAuthor.com Cover of the Month Contest by clicking THIS LINK. The cover that’s in 1st place right now is laughably bad, and yet it got about 100 votes yesterday to move from 3rd to 1st. They can’t possibly have better blog friends than I do, can they? I didn’t think that was possible. You’d better go show them how wrong they are!

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

Blake Shelton: Red Neckiest Man Alive

Yes, that’s right, I used the word “neckiest.” Blake Shelton is not just a red neck, he’s the red neckiest of red necks. Truth be told though, he does need a big red neck to hold up that gigantic melon he calls his head. His noggin is shaped like a canned ham. A giant canned ham. If his head was a canned ham, a family of twelve could have a nice Christmas dinner with it.

If Blake Shelton is the Sexiest Man Alive, then the Russians have obviously meddled in another one of our elections. Election? I don’t remember voting. Where the hell was my polling place for this train wreck? I guarantee you that if there was an actual election Blake Shelton would never win Sexiest Man Alive.

Look at the relative size of their heads in the picture above. Blake could kill him with a head butt. That’s why he looks so terrified. Think about this: The big stupid head pictured above is allegedly sexier than every other man on planet Earth. Every. Other. Man. Including me! I know. Hard to believe, right? I’m not into guys, not that there’s anything wrong with that, and I could still name ten guys sexier than Blake Shelton.

It just occurred to me that Shel-ton sounds a lot like Shit-Ton, as in Blake Shit-Ton needs a shit ton of hair product for a head that large.

Speaking of planet Earth; remember that solar eclipse we had back in August? That wasn’t the moon blocking the sun. It was Blake’s head. He just walked outside.

Remember when Blake took up with Miranda before his divorce to his first wife? Then he was married to Miranda Lambert and cheated on her? Now he’s on to Gwen Stefani. He’s cheating and sleeping his way to the top. Is this the role model we want for young impressionable rednecks?

Upon being named Sexiest Man Alive, with a dribble of chewing tobacco spit on his chin, Blake said, “I can’t wait to shove this up Adam’s ass,”  referring to fellow The Voice judge Adam Levine, who is also a past Sexiest Man Alive. Ooh that’s classy Blake. That ought to play well with the middle America, Honey Boo-Boo, right wing crowd though. You’ve got to be kidding me. I was beaten out for Sexiest Man Alive by that goober? People Magazine, to what lowest common denominator are you pandering? And Blake, if you’ve got a problem with this, I’d love to hear from you.

Want to Win Something? As an aside, my book Time To Lie is still in the running in the AllAuthor.com November Cover of The Month contest. If you voted for me last week, would you mind voting again? And if you haven’t voted yet, why not? Just click THIS LINK and click “Vote.” There’s no sign-up, or leaving your e-mail or anything. If you vote, come back here and leave a comment that you did and I’ll  enter you in a drawing to win an e-book, paperback, or Audible version of my book. Thank you! Have a great Wednesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Reasons I Should Be People’s Sexiest Man Alive

Tomorrow People Magazine will name their Sexiest Man Alive for 2017. I have high hopes, but as usual I assume that People Magazine will pander to the lowest common denominator and choose some allegedly good looking, hunky but mindless actor or musician. Here are my ten reason’s why they should choose me:

10. Because Google Says So: Go to Google Images and Google  “Phil Sexiest Man Alive”. That picture above comes up first. If Google thinks it’s true, it must be.

9. Because I Have A Blog: I have a blog and I published a book. We’re not even sure if most of these pretty boys they choose can read much less write.

8. You Stare At My Picture More Than Theirs: Let’s face it, you’ve been to my blog several times a week over the past year, meaning that you’ve probably seen my little profile pic countless times. Over the past year you’ve looked at my picture far more than whoever People will choose, ergo, I am sexier.

7. I’m all natural: Unlike many previous Sexiest Man Alive winners, I’m all natural. No steroids, hair implants or hair dye. I’m 100% all-American male.

6. I’m Employed: Have you ever noticed that they always choose actors? That’s a fly by night bunch if I ever saw one. Flitting from one job to the next. I’m employed full-time every day and I have health insurance. That’s the American dream right?

5. I’m a Normal Guy: Aren’t we all tired of magazines pushing these unrealistic expectations of what is sexy on us? It’s always rail thin models with implants and “hunky” guys who have no real jobs so they work out all day with a personal trainer. How about if People chose a “real” man for Sexiest Man Alive? A normal guy who is sexy because he’s smart, funny, works hard, and provides for his family? Isn’t that what most women really want at the end of the day instead of an unattainable player?

4. I’m Smart: Now I know nobody is going to mistake me for Leonardo DaVinci, but I’m pretty sure I could crush Leonardo DiCaprio at Jeopardy! Most people think intelligence is sexy. Marilyn Monroe once said that the sexiest man alive was Albert Einstein. I’m not going to give you a lecture on physics, but I can hold up my end of a conversation.  I’m willing to pit myself against any show biz pretty boy in a Jeopardy! challenge. C’mon People magazine! Set it up! Let’s make this years Sexiest Man Alive earn it by being sexy inside and out. How about me, Bill Gates, and Neil DeGrasse Tyson vs. Channing Tatum, Bradley Cooper & Ryan Reynolds in a game of Trivial Pursuit? That would be riveting television!

3. I Would Look Great On Money: Why not? Why does money have to feature old,  dead Presidents? Most of them are pretty ugly any way. I propose that each Sexiest Man Alive gets to spend the following year as the face on the American one dollar bill.

2. Gray Hair is Distinguished: All you ladies always say that gray hair makes a man look “handsome” or “distinguished.” Over the past year my hair has been getting gray A.F. as the kids say. If chicks dig a guy with a little salt and pepper action going on, then I’m your man.

1. I’m Already Sexiest Blogger Alive: I was once named Sexiest Blogger Alive  so doesn’t it make sense that I should take the next step and ascend to the real throne? Go ahead, click that link. I dare you.

There you have it, my annual argument why I should be named Sexiest Man Alive. If I don’t win it this year, as a consolation there is one other thing I’d like to win: The AllAuthor.com Cover of The Month Contest. Please click THIS LINK and vote for my book cover. Thank you and have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

 

Top Ten Tuesday! The Ten Worst Ideas For Top Ten Lists

10. The Top Ten Rashes Shaped Like Presidents

9. The Ten Most Horrific Diseases You Didn’t Know About

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8. Ten Ways Your Pets Might Kill You

7. The Ten Worst Ideas for Top Ten Lists

6. Ten Ways To Tell If Your Spouse Doesn’t Love You

5. The Ten Most Painful Things That Could Happen To You

4. Ten Reasons You’ll Never Really Find Happiness

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3. The Ten Most Unusual Bowel Movements Ever 

2. Ten Ways Your Children Will Disappoint You

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1. Ten Things Living Inside Your Body Right Now

So who wants me to actually look up and create lists for all of these? And which one would be the absolute worst for you to read? Or do you have another suggestion for the list? Have a great Tuesday everyone! ~Phil