The Big Pickup People

The title can be interpreted two ways. This could be about large people who like to go to bars and find companionship for a night, or it could be about people that have idiotically large pickup trucks. For most of the second group I’ll have to speak slowly and put the sarcasm in italics so they understand when they’re being made fun of.

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Yes, you know who you are. You’re one of the big pickup people, aren’t you? But which kind? There are two types of big pickup people:

1) the ones that live on a ranch or are independent contractors and need to move lumber, tools or large bales of hay from place to place. This isn’t about you.

2) The Suburban Redneck does not live in the country on a farm and does not own a contracting company. The Suburban Redneck lives at home in a normal residential neighborhood. The Suburban Redneck always thinks bigger is better. The Suburban Redneck’s neck is never actually red from working long hours out in the hot sun. The Suburban Redneck has a pickup truck that sits as high as two Prius’s stacked and blocks the sun from reaching his neighbors yard.

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They key to being a Suburban Redneck is that the bed of your pickup is impeccable. It’s shiny new and there isn’t a scratch or dent to be found anywhere. That’s because The Suburban Redneck bought his giant truck for show.

I feel like I’m about to turn into a Jeff Foxworthy comedy set. You might be a Suburban Redneck if…

You might be a Suburban Redneck if the horsepower number of your engine is higher than your college entrance exam score, if you took a college entrance exam.

You might be a Suburban Redneck if anyone has ever been injured falling while trying to get into or out of your truck. And you’re proud of that fact.

You might be a Suburban Redneck if the fake testicles hanging from your shiny unused trailer hitch are bigger than your own, assuming you have some.

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You might be a Suburban Redneck if you spent all of high school driving a crappy little pick up imagining the day you’d buy a pick up truck big enough to crush the cars and dreams of anyone who ever mocked you.

You might be a Suburban Redneck if when playing video games you always use a pick up truck avatar that you spent hours crafting to look just like your own truck.

You might be a Suburban Redneck if, in the course of a week, you spend more time washing your truck than yourself.

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You might be a Suburban Redneck if on a first date you don’t offer a tour of your home,  but you do offer a tour of your truck.

I’ve got to say though, I wish I loved anything as much as Suburban Rednecks love backing their tank sized pick-up trucks into a parking spot anywhere they go. If you know a Suburban Redneck, feel free to share this with them on Facebook by hitting the FB share button below. I don’t worry about the Suburban Rednecks reading this. They’ll probably come across it while going on Pinterest to find new ideas to decorate their trucks. Have a great Saturday! You too Suburban Rednecks! Isn’t this the day you wash your trucks? ~Phil

 

19 responses to “The Big Pickup People

  1. The British equivalent are the yummy mummies with their Chelsea Teactors, behemoths of 4WD SUVs that could climb Everest but are used on school runs to deliver Tarquin and Irresistible to their Montessori ballet and mindfulness bowel movement classes blocking the roads in a four mile radius… I hope you never meet mine and I never meet yours Phil.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Suburban redneck that’s a thing
    They deck their pick up truck with bling
    I see them coming, speeding fast
    When they’re in front I can’t see past.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Ha! We have a guy down the street that self-righteously drives his Prius around during the week and then on the weekend, all that minimizing his carbon footprint goes to hell when he backs his enormous pick-up out of his garage and tears around the neighborhood. He is such a butt-wipe.
    PS. I think he even has shiny testicles hanging from the back.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. In Texas there is no such thing as red neck. It’s total body.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I enjoyed this very much. 🙂 I can’t share it (on FB) on accounta how I know some suburban rednecks, but I’m sure that enhanced my pleasure, so I will tweet it.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’ve never met a suburban redneck, nor am I likely to, but you still made me smile.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Ha! I love the picture “I don’t need a pickup line cuz I have a pick up truck!” Made my day!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I was greatly amused by this post. I thought the Suburban Redneck was an Urban Myth since I can’t say I’ve ever seen any around these parts. I live in an area where the car to have is a Mercedes, BMW, or Lexus. Unfortunately, the people who drive them don’t seem to be aware that they come equipped with a gas pedal :/

    Liked by 1 person

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