If Jesus Had To Get Followers Now…

Hey everybody, before you read this, I’m not trying to make any religious statement. I’m just trying to make jokes, and not at the expense of any particular religion.  If Christianity is not your religion, feel free to, in your mind, change the name Jesus to Yaweh, Krishna, Laozi, or the Kardashians. 

Jesus: Hey Matthew, look at my Facebook. I only have 12 followers, and that includes you! Ugh! Why are they all dudes? What’s the deal, why won’t more people follow me? I’m a likable guy, right? And I’m not too ugly or anything, right?

Apostle Matthew: Yes Jesus, you have a great head of hair and the beard is hugely popular this century. I know you thought it would be just like the last time you came back, but 2000 years have passed. Things are different now. You can’t just walk around and tell everyone you’re the son of God and expect them to follow you. There’s someone on every corner in New York City saying that. On the positive side, in a lot of countries, people liked your previous work so well that generations of parents have named their sons Jesus.

Jesus: What about those road shows we used to do? You know, you me and the boys just show up in some town and I cure a leper and put out a nice spread of bread and fish for lunch.  People loved that!

Apostle Matthew: Nowadays, to get a great following you have to be good on what they call “social media.”

Jesus: Hmm… what is this social media? Does it have anything to do with those little black rectangles everybody is staring at? People don’t seem very social when they do that.  I thought those were just tiny bibles.

Apostle Matthew: (a little chuckle) No Big J, those are not tiny bibles. You know that laptop computer that I’ve been teaching you to use? Everyone can do the same stuff, but they do it on those little rectangles. You’ve got to get with the times man.

Jesus: Ok, so can you teach me how to “social media” our message to all their social media rectangles? Should I start a blog? I saw some good blogs online.

Apostle Matthew: Lol, dude, you are so funny. blogs are so 2008. But we can work on getting you a following. Me and a bunch of dudes is only going to seem like a cult. We’ve got to get some other people involved.  First,  you need two things. The first is a kick ass Tik Tok. The kids love Tik Tok. And Twitter. If you can get good on Twitter and Tik Tok you can get a great following.

Jesus: That’s great. I can’t believe you know all this stuff already. Can you teach me how to Twitter and TikTok?

Apostle Matthew: Ok, first we have to make some funny, catchy videos. You’re going to have to practice your dance moves too, but only for 30 seconds.

Jesus: Wait, what’s a video? (Matthew just sighs and shakes his head)

Ok, you’re back to me now. Hopefully no one was too offended. Have a great week! ~Phil

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