Tag Archives: religious humor

If Jesus Had To Get Followers Now…

Posted on October 3, 2021 | Leave a comment

Hey everybody, before you read this, I’m not trying to make any religious statement. I’m just trying to make jokes, and not at the expense of any particular religion.  If Christianity is not your religion, feel free to, in your mind, change the name Jesus to Yaweh, Krishna, Laozi, or the Kardashians. 

Jesus: Hey Matthew, look at my Facebook. I only have 12 followers, and that includes you! Ugh! Why are they all dudes? What’s the deal, why won’t more people follow me? I’m a likable guy, right? And I’m not too ugly or anything, right?

Apostle Matthew: Yes Jesus, you have a great head of hair and the beard is hugely popular this century. I know you thought it would be just like the last time you came back, but 2000 years have passed. Things are different now. You can’t just walk around and tell everyone you’re the son of God and expect them to follow you. There’s someone on every corner in New York City saying that. On the positive side, in a lot of countries, people liked your previous work so well that generations of parents have named their sons Jesus.

Jesus: What about those road shows we used to do? You know, you me and the boys just show up in some town and I cure a leper and put out a nice spread of bread and fish for lunch.  People loved that!

Apostle Matthew: Nowadays, to get a great following you have to be good on what they call “social media.”

Jesus: Hmm… what is this social media? Does it have anything to do with those little black rectangles everybody is staring at? People don’t seem very social when they do that.  I thought those were just tiny bibles.

Apostle Matthew: (a little chuckle) No Big J, those are not tiny bibles. You know that laptop computer that I’ve been teaching you to use? Everyone can do the same stuff, but they do it on those little rectangles. You’ve got to get with the times man.

Jesus: Ok, so can you teach me how to “social media” our message to all their social media rectangles? Should I start a blog? I saw some good blogs online.

Apostle Matthew: Lol, dude, you are so funny. blogs are so 2008. But we can work on getting you a following. Me and a bunch of dudes is only going to seem like a cult. We’ve got to get some other people involved.  First,  you need two things. The first is a kick ass Tik Tok. The kids love Tik Tok. And Twitter. If you can get good on Twitter and Tik Tok you can get a great following.

Jesus: That’s great. I can’t believe you know all this stuff already. Can you teach me how to Twitter and TikTok?

Apostle Matthew: Ok, first we have to make some funny, catchy videos. You’re going to have to practice your dance moves too, but only for 30 seconds.

Jesus: Wait, what’s a video? (Matthew just sighs and shakes his head)

Ok, you’re back to me now. Hopefully no one was too offended. Have a great week! ~Phil

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Jesus Copperfield?

Posted on April 22, 2017 | 8 comments

Yes, this is going to be humor about religion. If that’s not cup of tea feel free to click out now. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. With the recent Easter holiday there was a lot of talk about some guy named Jesus. I kid. Of course I know who he is. I was raised Catholic, so I heard a little bit about him as I was growing up.

Now that I’m a grown-up with independent thoughts that weren’t placed in my head by my parents, it occurred to me it’s possible that the Bible might be at least somewhat fictional. It also occurred to me that Jesus might not have really performed all the miracles that he’s given credit for. What if, Jesus wasn’t the son of God, but was really the worlds first great magician! It’s possible, right? Maybe the 12 disciples weren’t his followers, but were in fact his roadies, his stage crew that helped him pull off his incredible feats of magic that were later dubbed miracles.

2000 years ago people were stupid. They thought the Earth was flat. They’d believe anything. Think about the whole loaves and fishes thing. Jesus had five loaves of bread and two fish and he fed 5000 people? Seriously, how did that happen? So Jesus and his followers are at an outdoor music festival.  I think the Rolling Stones were playing. (The miracle is that they’re still playing concerts now. How is 107 year old Keith Richards even still alive?)  Jesus is working the food tent. He claims to only have the two fish and five loaves but people keep coming up asking for more food. How did he miraculously get more? In the story there’s no mention of Jesus waving his hands and people seeing the empty table suddenly filled with loaves and fishes. Imagine Jesus taking a table cloth and placing it over an empty table with a theatrical flourish. The disciples would sneak beneath the table and put more loaves and fishes on it through the trap door underneath. Jesus pulls the tablecloth away and abracadabra! There you go, more loaves and fishes!

Like most magicians, he also toyed with having a cute female assistant in a skimpy outfit. It’s not widely reported, but Jesus went through a phase where he would cut Mary Magdalene in half. Once she gained popularity, Jesus dismissed her and she went on to a very prosperous solo career.

What about healing lepers? How did he pull that off, right? What if they really weren’t lepers but instead were his disciples in stage makeup? Really, how many times over the last couple centuries have we as a society dismissed alleged faith healers as charlatans using plants in the audience and taking peoples money? Jesus was a road show but there was no Facebook to show pictures of the same lepers being healed at every stop, right? Back then Facebook was on stone tablets and the illustrations were iffy at best.

And the whole walking on water thing? How easy would that be to pull off? You show up at a town in the middle of the night when everyone is sleeping. The disciples build a dock but make it just below the water level. Folks wake up and see Jesus walking around on the lake. He comes ashore and offers loaves and fishes for everyone! It’s not like anyone was on the lake on a jet ski to figure out he wasn’t walking on water.

And come on, what about the whole thing about him being crucified and rising from the dead? Did they even know how to check a pulse back then? When he was allegedly dead they put him in a cave and he miraculously got out? Can you say Houdini? Was Jesus really the first escape artists magician?

Ironically, I also thought of Harry Potter, who is a great magician too. Remember ten years ago when the Harry Potter books & movies were at the height of their popularity? Religious zealots suggested that people shouldn’t read books about magic to their kids because magic was the work of Satan? Miracle or magic, aren’t they the same thing?

Have a great Saturday! I hope I didn’t ruin religion for you! Feel free to crucify me in the comments if you didn’t like this. ~Phil

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If Someone Can Make Up Scientology, Why Can’t I Have My Own Religion?

Posted on November 21, 2015 | 12 comments

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If I’m making fun of Scientology, you can tell that I’ve given up on one of my books ever being made into a movie. Scientology has been big pop culture news the last few weeks since actress Leah Remini talked about her experiences in the church, and her desire for you to read more about it in her book, now available everywhere for $17.99. Kind of ironic that she’s allegedly blowing the whistle on a religion known for fleecing it’s celebrity members for money by fleecing book buying customers of their money. That’s alright, I suppose she’s trying to make up for her losses.

Ballantine Books

Ballantine Books

She left the religion and is now telling all the details, which the Scientologists are not pleased about. So, you know me, I don’t like to go off half-assed and uninformed  when I write about things. I did some research so that I would be fully-assed and informed when making fun of Scientology. Don’t worry Scientologists, it’s not just you. Most religions have a whole host of ridiculous premises. In fact, it’s possible that Jesus was just a really good magician. An ancient David Copperfield if you will and Mary Magdalena was his Claudia Schiffer. (yes, I know David and Claudia divorced, but does any of you know his new wife? )

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As part of my research into Scientology I may have interviewed the current leader, David Miscavige, and when asked about Leah Remini’s portrayal of the Church of Scientology he may have said, “Liar, liar, pants on fire.” What I also learned about was Xenu, who was, according to Scientology founder, and sci-fi writer L. Ron Hubbard, “the dictator of the “Galactic Confederacy” who 75 million years ago brought billions[4][5] of his people to Earth (then known as “Teegeeack”) in a DC-8-like spacecraft, stacked them around volcanoes, and killed them with hydrogen bombs.” Well that sounds like a delightful idea to base a religion on doesn’t it?

You know how some websites charge you money to use them and read their content? Then you feel like an idiot when you find the same content for free elsewhere, right? I know Scientology sounds like the awesomest after school club you could ever join, but don’t sign up for their exclusive content because I’m about to give it to you right here for free. That paragraph above about Xenu “is part of the church’s secret “Advanced Technology”,[7] considered a sacred and esoteric teaching,[11] which is normally only revealed to members who have completed a lengthy sequence of courses costing large amounts of money.”

See? I saved you money today. You now know stuff that cost Tom Cruise thousands and thousands of dollars to learn. Then again, I’m pretty sure we all know a lot of stuff that Tom Cruise doesn’t. Interestingly, Tom Cruise and I were born in the same city, so it’s possible we were switched at birth, so he could possibly be living my life as the face of Scientology. Although if we were switched I doubt his blog would be half as funny.

That’s what we need, a religion based on humor! Laughter makes people feel good. Too many religions make people feel guilty or not good enough. Laughter is not the best medicine, it’s the best religion!  Obviously I would be the Xenu of this new religion, only I wouldn’t be blowing you up,  and my blog would then have a membership fee for you to read. Well, I better get to work on writing my scriptures for you. If you want to spread The Word of Phil before I start charging for it, feel free to hit the Facebook, Twitter, or reblog buttons below.  Have a great weekend! ~Phil

(thank you to Wikipedia for the quoted material about Scientology, and thank you to Tom Cruise, possibly my brother from another mother, for living your crazy, nutball life. Glad I dodged that bullet.)

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Posted in books, Humor, pop culture, religious humor

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The Mormon’s Got It Goin’ On! Part II

Posted on October 26, 2014 | 8 comments

If you’ve read Fifty Shades of Phil or remember this post from 2011, (Read it, it’s hilarious)  you know that I have the utmost respect for the Mormon faith and how they market their religion to the masses. Typically they and Mitt Romney are pretty slick when it comes to showcasing themselves. This past week however, in an effort to diffuse rumors and “normalize” one aspect of their religion their marketing department made what I believe is a colossal mistake that will cost them followers and possibly cost Mitt Romney the Presidency in 2016.

en.wikipedia.org

en.wikipedia.org

That picture above was revealed this past week with the intent of de-mystifying the rumors outside of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints that they have “magic underwear.”  (Frankly, they’d have to be magic for me and my lady to feel like getting jiggy with it while wearing those.) They even released a four minute video on Youtube explaining that their temple undergarments  are not any different than the Catholic Priest’s cassock, or a Buddhist Monk’s robe.

When I hear the phrase “magic underwear” I think thongs and banana hammocks. Deciding to de-mystify their religion is where they went wrong. Seriously, if the masses believed that they have magic underwear, how many people would sign up for their religion just for that? Or what if the Mormon’s struck a deal with J.K. Rowling and had some sort of marketing campaign titled “Harry Potter and the Magic Underwear“? (Yes, I realize that now that I posted that phrase online some porn company somewhere is already shooting scenes. Just give me credit in the credits please.)

Zombie Mitt Romney 17World.com

Zombie Mitt Romney
17World.com

Yeah, Zombie Mitt Romney just because who doesn’t love zombies? What if Mitt Romney ran for President by promising magic underwear for everyone? Or what if he implied that by wearing magic underwear he could defeat ISIL and cure Ebola? How could he not just roll to victory, right? If I were him I’d show up for debates wearing the Mormon temple garments on the outside of his clothes. I’d vote for him just for having the balls to do that.

See Mormon marketing department? You’re doing it all wrong. You don’t want to normalize your religion. You want to make it different and cool so people will want to join. Maybe get a commercial spokesperson like Justin Timberlake to make you guys seem like the in crowd. If you could get him to do that “D___ in a Box” skit wearing your temple garments? Imagine the possibilities!

In all sincerity, I apologize if I’ve offended anyone of the Mormon faith. That was not my intent. If you can’t laugh at yourselves life is going to be pretty rough. Also in advance, Facebook, thanks for not allowing the picture of Mitt Romney to be used as the header for this post because you deem it too scary. Jerks.

As always, if you got a laugh from The Phil Factor please share it with your friends by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

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Posted in Current Events, Humor

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