Throwback Thursday! Jesus of Suburbia

I’m posting this because one person on the internet found and read this today. It’s a post that I wrote in July of 2011. When it showed up in my stats that someone had found this through Google, I honestly could not remember what this was about. So I read it and I thought to myself, “This is pretty damn funny and I’m sure some other strangers on the internet would enjoy this.” 

(July 21, 2011) Well, it happened again. God spoke to someone through the image of Jesus Christ on a receipt from a South Carolina Walmart. Oh wait, that’s never happened before.

Apparently Gentry Lee Sutherland and her fiancée’ Jacob Simmons. Yes, her name is ‘Gentry Lee’. If that isn’t a sign her parents worshipped Satan I don’t know what is. She and Jacob picked up a few things at Walmart, left the receipt on their kitchen table and a few days later when they looked at the receipt the image of Jesus Christ was on the receipt. Then again, take a look at that picture, how can we be sure that’s not Osama Bin Laden or Ted Nugent or Jesus’ lesser known brother Dominick, speaking to us through the receipt? And if it is Ted Nugent, I’m curious about what he has to say. He hasn’t put out an album in like forever!

I’ve got to give credit to whomever is speaking through the Walmart receipt. Apparently they’ve given up the age-old, tried and true method of speaking to their followers by placing their image on toast, pancakes, potato chips, or a water stain on a wall.

Think about it; if you are an omnipotent deity with cosmic powers, are you going to screw around putting your likeness on something that by chance could fall into the hands or mouth of an atheist at a pub who looks at his cheese doodle and says, “Oh look mate, there’s a face on my cheese doodle, crunch, crunch, crunch. Hey bartender, we’re out of cheese doodles over here.”

If God is an omnipotent deity with cosmic powers and does want to speak to his or her followers (See? I put his or her. Look how enlightened I am. I hear the chicks dig that),  why wouldn’t he or she send us all a text message? I’m pretty sure that omnipotence includes mastery of modern technology. Or perhaps take over Netflix. “Hi everyone, this is God here. I’d like to interrupt your regularly scheduled programming for this important message…”

When I’m a deity I’m not going to waste my time putting my face in snack foods or receipts. People will wake up one day and suddenly there will be an extra head on Mt. Rushmore, or the Eiffel Tower will be bent into the shape of my profile. That’s how you get the word out that you’re the guy to worship.

Either these snack food/receipt Gods aren’t very bright, or the people who see them are just seeing what they want to see. And if putting your face in people’s food is the way Gods go about getting publicity, why doesn’t anyone claim to see Satan in their Corn Flakes? If Coke is running a big add campaign you can bet Pepsi will counter it. Satan needs to get off his fiery, red ass and get to work. He’s losing customers. Then again, how many of you women have eaten a whole pint of Ben & Jerry’s while watching a Lifetime movie on a lonely Saturday night and said, “The devil made me do it”?

If you get the “Jesus of Suburbia” reference in the title of this post and explain it in a comment below you win 10,000 Phil Factor points that can be redeemed for a t-shirt at The Phil Factor gift shop. If you enjoy my nonsense follow me on X @ThePhilFactor so that you can say “I knew him before he started showing up on people’s receipts and potato chips.”

Have a great Thursday! Thanks for reading! ~ Phil

4 responses to “Throwback Thursday! Jesus of Suburbia

  1. Jesus? I thought it was Aldous Huxley.

  2. Jesus of Suburbia is one of my faves. Are you checking out the new music? My daughter just paid almost $600 for 2 tickets to their PA show.

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