Tag Archives: ThePhilFactor

Image

Rock You Like A Hurricane?

Well it’s hurricane season in the Northern hemisphere. Hurricane ‘Henri’ ran up the East coast this past week and I hope that everyone in it’s path escaped without any mortal injuries. Then again, how threatening can anything or anyone named Henri be? That may be the least menacing name ever. The fact that there are so many Henri’s in France is why they’ve lost every war they’ve ever participated in.

tumblr_mckzjz8XHM1r5i1xno1_500

Fortunately I don’t live in an area that ever gets any hurricanes although I felt some of the wind and rain from Henri. In the U.S., our weather people traditionally name hurricanes with people names, such as Hurricane Phil, or Hurricane Betsy. Then the news people are astounded that people refuse to leave their homes when a hurricane is coming. Who is going to be afraid of Hurricane Henri, or Tropical Storm Cecilia? Remember innocuously named Hurricane Katrina? Yeah, how’d that work out for everyone? And for cripes sake, why did we have a hurricane named Henri? Henri sounds more like a refreshing light rain on a pleasant spring day.

Have you ever noticed that when people are interviewed as a big storm is bearing down on their area the homeowners always use the phrase “hunker down”? The interview always goes like this:

Reporter: I’m standing here with Joe and Jane Homeowner who plan on staying right where they are as the biggest storm of the century bears down on us. Joe and Jane, why are you staying put?

Homeowners: Well this little storm ‘taint nuthin. We’ll just hunker down until it passes. Now the storm of ’68, that was a storm!

I’m not sure I’ve ever hunkered down for anything. I think hunkering down best describes the pose my dog takes when she’s going number 2.  If you want people to flee to somewhere safe you have to give  a storm a name that sounds as scary as it is. Why not give it an intimidating name? How about something like Mega Hurricane Deathtron? That might get people out of their homes. Or maybe something simple like The Hurricane of Death? If the Hurricane of Death was headed for my house you can bet I’d get the hell out of the way. Then again, if they named hurricanes like that you wouldn’t have people selling post hurricane t-shirts that said things like “I Was Blown By Irene 2011.” When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I will convene a special committee of writers to work on scary, new hurricane names every year.

Have a great and hurricane free day! ~Hurricane Phil

The Psychics First Date

As I mentioned in my post on Thursday, a lot of folks have been showing up at The Phil Factor to read my 2017 post Top Ten Tuesday! The Top Ten Psychic Pick Up Lines. One of many questions I have about this phenomena is, are the people reading this psychics looking to upgrade their dating game, or is it non-psychics curious about the dating habits of psychics? Or could it possibly be singles on the dating scene looking for ways to prevent them from getting duped by smooth talking psychics?

Here is how I imagine a first date between two psychics would go:

A man in a turban and a purple velour cape sitting alone at a table in a swanky Italian restaurant. He stands up as he makes eye contact with a woman who has just entered and he gives her a little wave. She acknowledges him and starts to weave her way between tables. Her many chiffon scarves flow freely from her, brushing peoples heads as she passes.

Karnak the Magnificent: “Why hello Esmeralda! Have a seat,”  Karnak says as he pulls out her chair for her.

Esmeralda: “Thank you Karnak. This is a lovely restaurant. However did you choose it?”

K: “This is where my grandparents went on their first date sixty years ago. They’ve always told me the story of their magical first date, and I have a good feeling about you, so I thought it might be a good luck charm for us.”

E: Aww…that’s sweet, but it would be more sweet if your ex-girlfriend didn’t wait tables here and you weren’t bringing me here hoping to make her jealous.

K: “What? That’s preposterous! I love the food here!”

Esmeralda raises an eyebrow.

K: “OK, you got me, but the food is really incredible.” Nodding to waiter, “Yes, Cabernet for both please.” Turning to Esmeralda, “Besides, on your dating profile you said that you’re 28 when you’re really 30.”

E: “So we’ve both started this relationship with little white lies. Fair enough. Let’s try to turn our heads off and get to know each other the old fashioned way.”

K: “Agreed. So Esmeralda, where did you grow up?”

E: Chuckles, “Well, I grew up a little bit almost everywhere. My parents were gypsies who traveled with the circus all over Europe. They read the Tarot cards for a living. How about you?”

K: I was an orphan, raised by Tibetan monks in the mountains of Nepal. I immigrated here to the States with them when I was twelve. They came here to build a monastery in the Hollywood Hills. It’s actually right next to a Scientology resort. Tom Cruise came over and bought an alpaca from us once. So tell me about your travels in Europe. Which country was your favorite?”

E: “I loved all of Europe. It’s hard to pick just one country, but if I have to, I’ll say France. Our circus set up just outside of Paris for several months. The people, the food, the wine. I could see the Eiffel Tower all lit up at night. That was a magical time. So Karnak, how did you come to realize that you’re psychic?”

K: “Huh? I’m sorry. I was lost in thought. What did you say Esmeralda?”

E: “You weren’t lost in thought. You were lost in my cleavage! I can read your mind you idiot. And yes, there are more tattoos. Very interesting ones in very interesting places.”

K: “Ok, if we’re going to get real here, let’s get real. Yes, you’ve been to Paris. Paris, Texas where you grew up. You can drop the hokey accent now Paula. Esmeralda? Please. You look like an Esmeralda about as much as I do!”

E: “You want to get real? You weren’t psychically drawn to my booth down at the boardwalk. You read my profile on Tinder and came and found me, hoping your hokey psychic line would get me!”

K: “Listen Paula, I also know that you’ve been wondering about what’s under my …ahem..(using finger quotes) “turban” all night long.”

E: “Listen Steve, yes, I know your real name, are you as hot as I am right now?”

Karnak/Steve: “You already know I am. My place is just around the corner. Let’s get our food to go.”

Esmeralda/Paula: “And when you say “you’re place” you really mean your parents house and we’re going to sneak in through the walk out basement door in back, right?”

Steve: “I’ve never been so turned on in my life.”

Paula: “Keep the turban on!”

As you can see, being a psychic certainly could be challenging on the dating scene. But if you could be psychic and read minds, would you?

Have a great weekend! ~Phil

The Mystery of Psychic Pick-up Lines

Apparently psychics are very interested in dating. There’s nothing wrong with that. Soothsayers need soothing too. The reason I bring this up is that during the last three years I haven’t been blogging as regularly as I used to, yet one particular post that I wrote a few years ago seems to be getting a steady stream of visitors, not from the WordPress Reader, but from random internet searches.

It used to be that my post titled Real Sexting Conversations to Read In Hindi? from 2015 brought a steady stream of readers to my blog. Over the past three years when I neglected my blog and my wonderful gang of Hindi speaking followers, another post that I wrote four years ago has developed a cult following. The post, Top Ten Tuesday! The Top Ten Psychic Pick Up Lines, has over 1700 views so far this year and has similar numbers for the last three years. 1700 views in six months for a post I published four years ago?!!? That’s nearly 300 views per month! I wondered what was going on, and then it hit me; psychics are looking for love and I’m going to help them damn it!

This guy is my favorite psychic, aside from myself of course

I’m not one to ignore a good thing. From here on out I’m considering making this a psychic dating website. Who knew there was such a market? Psychics probably did. Do psychics have trouble finding people to date? Shouldn’t they already know who likes them? Do psychics have to date other psychics, or do they prefer to date people who can’t read their mind right back? These are the mysteries of the universe that I will delve into in my post on Saturday. Be sure to come back for that. Then again, maybe me and my psychic friends already know who’s going to read my blog Saturday. Thank you. I’ll see you then!

Have a great day! ~Phil

23 and Me (And maybe YOU!)

That’s right, I’ve thrown my genetic matter into the pool and who knows who I might be related to? It could be you! How great would that be? Me and you hanging out for Christmas next year! Maybe we’ll take a family vacation together this summer! You could be my long lost brother or sister. Or maybe you’re my mom or dad. The possibilities are endless.

I ponied up the $99 to learn about my genetics. It’s not that I’m looking for more relatives. I already have a lot of those. My father had eight siblings, so I’d need a stadium to put all my cousins in one place. My interest is more in what my genes can tell me about myself medically. Admittedly, despite my best efforts and my insistence on never ever acting my age, I do keep getting older every year. In fact, I’m going to do it again on Wednesday. So, my goal is to learn about the genetic markers that might tip me off about possible future illnesses that could try to kill me.

But, if I find out I’m related to one of you, I will announce it HERE on my blog. How weird would it be if that’s how you find out that you’re the heir to The Phil Factor fortune? My wife did one of these ancestry tests a few years ago and now has two more brothers that she never knew about. It turns out that I’m one of them, which has really put a damper on our love life. Sometimes you never really know your parents, do you?

If you want to see if you and I are swimming naked in the same gene pool, send your fecal sample to 23andMe. Just kidding. You only need to send some spit. That’s it. A little spit is the key to the blueprint for all of mankind! If I get my results before Friday, I’ll be sending you a Christmas card. See you at the next Phil Factor Family Reunion!

Have a great Sunday! ~Phil

The 7th Annual Snap Judgement Oscar Awards! (Part 1)

If you’re new here you may be wondering what the Snap Judgement Oscar Awards are. The Phil Factor Snap Judgement Oscar Awards, also known as The Phillies, is one of the most prestigious versions of the Oscar Awards because first of all, they’re given by me, and secondly, I host them in my garage. I haven’t seen most of the movies and I base my opinions on completely ridiculous reasons, the way you do when you pick movies to watch. So without further self-indulgent blathering, we’ll let the winners do that, let’s get on with the show!

The nominees have already finished their red carpet interviews in the driveway. Adam Driver and Antonio Banderas have already been caught by security, my friend Gooby, behind the garage shotgunning Pabst Blue Ribbons. Margot Robbie dropped her White Claw Hard Seltzer and made a run for it, only to sneak in through the back door and tried to hide in the back row with a baseball hat on. She’s fooling no one.

In my tuxedo t-shirt and ripped jeans I head for the house one last time before the ceremony. Tom Hanks is in the kitchen snorting coke off Kathy Bate’s’s bare stomach as she lays prone across my dining room table. My entrance startles them and Tom reaches for his gun, but relaxes when he sees it’s me.  “C’mon you two! The show’s about to start. Get in there!” I say as I grab a tray of Totino’s Pizza Rolls out of the oven and adjust the lights. (Phew! I’m glad I got the commercial sponsors out of the way early)

Pic courtesy of Hollywood Reporter

At the podium I can feel the electric excitement bubbling over in the room. It’s palpable. “Settle down you animals, it’s time to start the show! Who wants a Phillie?”

Applause, whistles and hoots wash over me like a tidal wave. It’s obvious that the assemblage of stars much prefer my laid-back awards show to the stuffy, uptight four hour fiasco that is The Oscars. As I’m about to start the awards I hear the pop of a champagne bottle and Joe Pesci stands up spraying the crowd with bubbly as he shouts, “F*ck the Oscars!” Laughter rolls through the garage and they hold up their glasses hoping to catch a few drops of Joe’s golden shower.

“Alright, let’s get this party started!” I shout into the mic. Here are our nominees for Best Supporting Actress: Laura Dern, Scarlett Johansson, Florence Pugh, Margot Robbie, and Kathy Bates! Scarlett, despite being a 2016 Snap Judgement Oscar winner you’re out, as is Laura Dern and Kathy Bates. Why? Your names are easy to spell and pronounce. Florence Pugh and Margot Robbie, however, have overcome the life long adversity of having to constantly correct people about the spelling or pronunciation of their names. And the winner is…(I improvise my own drumroll on the podium with my hands)… MarGot Robbie! And by the way, it’s Philip with one L, not two. Get it right next time Scarlett!”

Pic courtesy of Hollywood Reporter

“Moving on, let’s get to  Best Supporting Actor. This year the category has a star studded lineup of outstanding actors. Tom Hanks, Al Pacino, Brad Pitt, Joe Pesci, and Anthony Hopkins. Brad, I’m sorry, but you’re ruled out because you can’t make up your mind on Jen. What the f*ck is wrong with you? She’s America’s sweetheart for cripes sake!” Brad laughs and gives me the finger. “Tom Hanks, you’re out because I’m still waiting for the Bosom Buddies movie. Al Pacino? Puh-leeze! you lost me when you pulled the “Hoo hah!” nonsense in that movie twenty years ago. That brings us to Anthony Hopkins and Joe Pesci. The winner is…Anthony Hopkins because his real given name is Philip (with one L) Anthony Hopkins! Got to give props to Philip Hopkins. Yes, it’s true. Go look it up.”

This is always one of my longer posts, but I don’t want this to be as long as the actual Oscars ceremony. Come back tomorrow morning for Part 2 which will include Best Actor, Best Actress as well as Best Picture. Have a great Saturday! ~Philip

#Phil2020

What Would Your Groundhog Day be like?

download (12)

Spoiler alert, in case you didn’t know, Sunday is Groundhog Day. Who doesn’t love this movie? Especially since Bill Murray’s character was named Phil. Coincidence? I think not. Also, here’s another spoiler alert, today, February 1st, 2020, I added a new question at the end of this post that I’d be very interested in hearing your thoughts on.

This post was originally written for #ThePhilFactor on Feb. 2, 2006 and I now post it every year, over and over, just like Phil’s Groundhog Day in the movie.

(Feb. 2, 2006) Last week I waxed philosophic about the idiocy known as The Dr. Phil Show. This week, and today in particular it’s Punxsutawney Phil. Groundhog Day the movie: Good idea. Groundhog Day the tradition: Stupid idea. The dimwitted people of Punxsatawney, Pennsylvannia have been shoving a rodent through a hole in a tree stump for almost 200 hundred years to find out if there will be 6 more weeks of winter. Hey morons, you live in the Northeast! There’s always 6 more weeks of winter! Check the calendar! It says that Spring starts on March 21st. That’s 7 weeks from now. You don’t need a rat being spooked by his shadow to figure this one out. At this point I’m getting tired of all these wanna-be Phil’s trying to horn in on my fame. If, coincidentally, a shot were to ring out in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania today and a certain rodent were to explode in a puff of fur, I was kidding when I wrote this. No harm meant, just a joke. You’ll all be my alibi right?

I’m curious, if you could have one day of your life to do over until you get it right, what day would that be and why? As always, if you enjoyed this vintage Phil Factor feel free to share it via the social media buttons below. Have a great Friday!  ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! The Top Ten Amish Sex Positions

I knew it. I knew you couldn’t resist the title. I can’t blame you. I’d click on this too. We all love the mysterious Amish and we all wonder what goes on behind closed doors, or is it closed barn doors? The Amish sure seem to have a lot of kids and I’m pretty sure they’re not getting them by cloning or in-vitro fertilization. The Amish make their kids the old fashioned way, or ways, ten to be exact. Consider this post the new Amish Kama Sutra. Enjoy the list you perverts!

THE TOP TEN AMISH SEX POSITIONS

10. The Butter Churn move

9. The Barn Raiser

8. Milk your own cow

7. The Downward Hog

6. The Lancaster

5. The Bonnet Comet

4. The Pennsylvania Dutch Oven

3. The Suspender Bender

2. The Guilty Quilty

1. The Horse & Buggy

Yes, I know you were hoping for different kinds of pictures, but that’s what the rest of the internet is for. If you thought this was funny, please feel free to share it with your equally perverted friends by hitting one of the social media sharing buttons below. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! Just One Thing…

This story warrants a re-post because last week life and my dentist reminded me about it, again.

(Sept. 26, 2015) Many of you may not remember this scene from the 1991 movie City Slickers:

Or maybe you do. Jack Palance’s, character, Curly, tells Billy Crystal’s character that the “secret of life is just one thing.”  To which Billy Crystal replies, ‘That’s great. but what’s the one thing?”  Curly answers, “That’s what you’ve got to figure out.” This week I figured out what my one thing is.

It was the end of the school day at Cicero Elementary School. Bus number 186 was called over the P.A. system, meaning I could leave the classroom, retrieve my coat from my cubby and head outside to find my bus in line. Eight year old Phil gathered my papers and books, pushing them sloppily into an already overstuffed desk. I hurried a little extra because I was thirsty from playing outside in the sunshine during end of day recess and I wanted to get a quick slurp of refreshing water from the fountain in the hall before I left.  I rushed to my cubby outside the room, grabbed my coat and put my orange and black Baltimore Orioles Little League baseball cap on my head. It was probably a little crooked, it always was. I just didn’t have the knack of centering the brim over my face unless I was looking in a mirror. I didn’t care though. I was still at an age where I hadn’t yet learned that I should be self-conscious about how I was put together. That was something boys didn’t think too much about until they noticed girls.

I didn’t know it, but the next moment was the one that changed my life. I turned from my cubby and fought my way across the hall, dodging and weaving through other students flowing through the hallway like a swift moving river of four foot tall humanity. After successfully navigating the obstacle course I reached my destination. The hallway water fountain.

1870168-fountain-xl

Doesn’t that bubbling, gurgling water look refreshing? I thought so too, so much so that I leaned in for a drink a little too quickly. See that curved piece of metal above the bubbling water? I leaned over, perhaps slightly hurried and slightly distracted by the crush of students passing by and thoughts of my waiting bus, and as I did so one of my center front teeth hit that curved metal piece. Not hard, but hard enough that about one quarter of a tooth broke off cleanly and completely. One drink. One quarter of one tooth. One life changed forever.

Yes, I know it sounds insignificant, but we rarely realize the long term ripple effect of small moments when they happen. That one moment those many years ago helped me realize just how lucky I am.

On Thursday of this week, two days ago, decades after I broke that tooth, I visited the dentist because of that tooth. Complications related to that one simple moment have probably required me to have, literally, about 100 additional dental appointments over the years.  There have been countless procedures, needles, poking, prodding, and pain. Today I thought to myself that if I had one chance to turn back time and change one moment in my life, that moment when I broke my tooth might be what I’d choose.

When I started writing this I thought to myself, considering what others have endured, if my biggest problem in life has been a broken tooth that would plague me for the rest of my days, then I’ve been pretty damn lucky. Then I decided that I wouldn’t go back in time and stop stupid eight year old me from bumping my tooth, because from today going forward it will always remind me how lucky I’ve been so far. Weirdly, I think that the next time I’m in a dental chair because of this tooth, I’ll probably smile. Because of the dental work on the tooth it may never be a perfect smile, but it will be a grateful one.

So what’s your one moment? Your “one thing”? What would you change if you could? Or what life lesson did you learn from that one moment in time?

As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor, please share it by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog buttons below. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

Fun With Search Terms: The Father’s Day Edition!

When most of us were kids, Google was our dad. There was no internet or search engines. If you wanted to know something you had two choices: break open that giant set of encyclopedias that your parents bought twenty years ago or ask your dad. Dad was supposed to know everything, right? Only now that we’re parents we know that our parents didn’t know everything and were making all their answers up.

Now though, we can search the internet for answers. Unfortunately, when you ask the internet questions,  sometimes the internet keeps those questions so a blogger can make fun of them later, like now. Today. That is what I’m doing. Here are the funniest/weirdest search terms that brought readers to #ThePhilFactor over the last three months:

Gary Spivey on Trump Impeachment: I will take any opportunity to post a picture of Gary Spivey, Psychic Medium because I’m jealous of his fame and fortune. And hair. We have a lot in common. We have great hair and both he and I have predicted a premature end to the term of he who shall not be named. Also, I predicted I would interview Gary for The Phil Factor this year. He knows it’s going to happen.

MTV music video font: From my old days working on MTV I stole their font and have been using it.

Philthy Animal Old: I take exception to Google deciding that my blog, or me in particular, is the answer to this search term. It’s like Google is mocking me personally.

Funeral Fun: That’s right! Need entertainment for your funeral? Just call 1-800-Phil-Factor! I will emcee with humor and empathy!

“phil factor” bill gates: Yes, I’m the Bill Gates of blogging.

Phil is leaving memes: You’re damn right I’m leaving memes. I’m a meme dropping machine. And I’m sassy.

real sexting conversations to read in hindi: This goes back to a post from 2015 and since I published that, the views and this search term haven’t stopped. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. That’s ok. You Hindi speaking people feel free to fly your freak flag at The Phil Factor anytime you want. I’m here for you.

Have a great Sunday and Happy Father’s Day to all the Dads out there! ~Phil

Music Monday: Weezer doing Toto’s Africa

The story behind this is that a Twitter account, @weezerafrica, was started in December by a 14 year old Weezer fan named Mary. She says that she started the idea as a joke and incessantly tweeted Weezer frontman Rivers Cuomo and others in the music industry and eventually the idea gained momentum with many,many people tweeting at Rivers Cuomo to cover the song, including David Paich, the keyboardist from the band Toto. Eventually she made the national news:

What you see in the song video at the top is Mary’s first tweet.

Have a great Monday! ~Phil