The All New Riveting Plot of EVERY Hallmark Movie 2024

Pic from Hallmark

Yes, it’s that time of year! Put away all those Halloween decorations, grab a cup of hot cocoa and settle in for the two best holiday traditions; Hallmark movies and my annual blog making fun of them.

What are these two trying to do? I’m not sure I want to know the answer.

Christmas, you say? No, Christmas is just a secondary annoyance. To all the people born with at least one romantic bone in their body and a high tolerance for mediocre acting, November is the most wonderful time of the year. It’s Hallmark Christmas movie time! Or as Lacey Chabert, Dean Cain and Candace Cameron Bure call it, “The only time we make any money.”

Pic from Hallmark.  It’s just bad actors and actresses running to the Hallmark studio to collect paychecks they don’t deserve

Being married to one of these Hallmark movie loving people, I inadvertently see several Hallmark Christmas movies every year.  I couldn’t help but notice that each unique Hallmark Christmas movie has the exact same plot as every other Hallmark movie. To save you from having to watch the actual movies, here’s how it goes:

Guy or gal who left home several years ago is very successful at some high falutin’ job in a big city somewhere, then they come back to their Smalltown, USA hometown for Thanksgiving or a funeral. Oh no! Their family’s business is failing! Or maybe beloved Uncle Walt passed away and they’re going to lose the farm! What? The only way they can save the farm, family business or special hometown festival is if the impossibly attractive person stays longer than they planned. Maybe until Christmas! I can’t believe it. What are the chances of that?!!?

Just what I need, imagining my medical providers getting it on in the closet while I bleed out in the ER

Successful and attractive returning guy or gal runs into the sister or brother of a friend they knew in high school. He or she “was just a kid back then” but now they’re “all grown up” and they’ve really blossomed into a hunk or a hottie. At first they may not like each other but everyone else can see the obvious chemistry. Despite the fact that they annoy each other, they have to work together to save the business, ranch, town  or whatever. There’s always something that needs saving.

Why pick one? Haven’t the Hallmark writers ever heard of polyamory?

Of course it will all inevitably lead to a playful snowball fight between the two in the town square where they will tumble into a pile of egregiously fake snow and look longingly into each others eyes.

Oh no! Mischievous family members trying to get two dummies together! What will happen?

Guess what everyone, that’s the plot of every episode of The Gilmore Girls too. You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you the trouble of watching every single Hallmark movie this year. But you know what? I know you’re going to watch them. It’s as inevitable as that moment when the returning hometown hero says “this is where I’ve wanted to be all along” as they finally kiss their new love and gaze at the Christmas tree.  Cue Christmas music and fade out to credits.

A funny thing happened this year when I sat down to update this blog. I kind of turned into a Hallmark fan and here’s why: I went to Hallmark’s Countdown to Christmas page and amongst the pictures of smiling, impossibly perfect people, I discovered that Henry Winkler was in a 2008 Hallmark movie. That man is an effing national treasure! I’m watching The Most Wonderful Time of The Year (2008) as I write this and on repeat now until December 26th.

Why didn’t they call this “Fonzie Getting Jolly”?

Ugh. Those movies are so fake sugary, saccharin sweet that they should have a disclaimer warning diabetics not to watch them. Really, I’m not a Grinch. I love the holidays and I mock them because I love them. Just like you. Have a great Sunday! ~Phil

P.S. Dear Hallmark, I’ll let you sponsor this Phil Factor blog for the right price!