Tag Archives: Dementia

Here’s What I’m Really Afraid Of…

This is definitely me

I remember about fourteen years ago… Yay! I haven’t lost my mind to Alzheimer’s yet! That’s not the point of this though. Fourteen years ago my dad was 70. He lived about a five hour drive from me, so we rarely saw each other, but we did talk on the phone monthly. At that time, I noticed that every phone conversation we had was the same. He would tell me about his old golfing buddies, but lamented that he didn’t golf much anymore because most of his buddies had passed away. Every damn call he would tell me about his deceased golfing friends. At the time I thought he was drunk, which was always a possibility.  Looking back, maybe that was the beginning of his Alzheimer’s. Or maybe it was just the beginning of the symptoms that I noticed…

My dad retired at 57 and never worked another day in his life. He wasn’t a millionaire or anything. He had been with the same company for over thirty years and they offered him a buyout package with a pension for life. Like me, your first thought is “Wow, that’s great! Who doesn’t want to quit working as soon as possible?” The fact that he never worked a day in his life again is what has me wondering. He was a hard worker and a very frugal man who wanted to hang onto his money. I can’t imagine him at 57 just deciding to never make any more money. That’s why I wonder if he wasn’t already seeing the early signs of Alzheimer’s in himself.

As a younger man he was always active. He’d go camping, in a tent like a man. No fancy trailer or cabin camping for him. Instead of buying firewood, we’d just go out in the woods and cut down trees. He kayaked and canoed. In the winter he went skiing. I even remember him taking scuba diving lessons. So why would someone that seemed almost hyperactive, retire at 57? I’m not 57 yet, but I’m trending in that direction, and when I forget something, which may very well be perfectly normal, I wonder if my dad, at 57 saw the writing on the wall. Did he suspect that he was losing his ability to do his job?  Was that when the Alzheimer’s started?

When I’m living in a memory care unit I’m going to tell this joke to the staff every day

At 70 my dad stopped traveling or taking trips with his girlfriend. He stayed home, watching the news and doing Sudoku. He had become uncomfortable being anywhere he wasn’t familiar with. That’s very common in Alzheimer’s. In Alzheimer’s you forget recent information first, which was why he couldn’t travel anymore. It made him feel completely disoriented. As I used to say of my dad, he couldn’t remember what he did 30 minutes ago but he could remember what he did 30 years ago.

I have one of the genes that contributes to Alzheimer’s. That gives me a 30% chance of having Alzheimer’s. There may be other elements that increase my risk. Every time I forget a word, or put the yogurt in the cupboard and the salt shaker in the fridge, I wonder if I’m destined to live another thirty years or more, but only know who I am for the next 10-15 of them. That’s what I’m really afraid of.

That’s why I’m back to writing more here. This blog is my history. If twenty years from now I’ve forgotten who I am and who I was, I hope someone shows me this blog, which has been a part of me for the last 18 years and hopefully will be for several more years going forward. So, future Phil thanks you for reading and commenting. You all are now an important part of my memory one way or another.

Have a great weekend! ~Phil 

The Jigsaw Man Ran Out Of Puzzle Pieces

Some of you may or may not remember a post I wrote about 13 months ago titled The Jigsaw Man. If you missed it, it was about my 83 year old father who had Alzheimer’s and dementia. I thought of him as The Jigsaw Man because that’s what his brain, his memories seemed like to me, a jigsaw puzzle where the pieces didn’t fit or match up with each other anymore. He had bits and pieces of information in his head and it seemed as if he were constantly trying to grasp them but they would slip through his mental fingers. Even his memories of who I was seemed out of his reach over the past couple years.

Yes, he passed away about ten day’s before Father’s Day. What was interesting to me was that my memories of him changed with his passing. During his last several years he wasn’t the man I grew up with. Initially I thought that to be very sad, and it is, but the process of laying someone to rest requires sorting and sifting through their whole lives. Ironically, and maybe intentionally, my dad saved pictures going back through his entire life, possibly knowing when his memory was fading that he would need these to remember who he was. He missed the internet revolution, so all of his pictures are of the printed out, Kodak film type, that never got a single like on Facebook.  Something about that makes them seem a little more special.

It was good fortune that he did, because it was a wonderful reminder to me of who he was over the course of his life, and it softened the painful memories of the last 5-10 years.

One thing that my father’s disease and passing has given me is an appreciation of the here and now. We always think we have more time. My dad, who was 84 when he passed, lived a pretty long life, but from day to day, he didn’t remember most of it for the last several years. He lived in the moment because it was all he had. On my last visit with him at the memory care facility he’s lived in over the past year, in the moment all he wanted was to sit in the courtyard and feel the sun on his face. So that’s what we did, and he smiled.

Here’s to hoping that in the afterlife he’s finally getting the internet and can read this. Thanks for everything dad. ~Phil

The Jigsaw Man

And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon… ~Harry Chapin

The Jigsaw Man is my father. I call him that because he has Alzheimer’s and Dementia. I don’t actually call him that, but if I did he wouldn’t remember it five minutes later.

Why I think of him as The Jigsaw Man is because now his brain seems to be filled with puzzle pieces of his life, and none of them fit together any longer. It’s as if he has a hodge podge of pieces from different puzzles and he has no idea how to put them together again.

Every summer my family went camping with my dads parents and his brothers and sisters families. Every summer I watched my big brother and older cousins water-ski. I was dying to water-ski. I wanted to get out on the water and do all the cool tricks that the big kids were doing. 

When I was eight years old, my uncle took the boat out, letting out the tow line behind it. My dad sat back in the water holding the handle at the end of that rope with the tips of his skis poking out of the water. Then I climbed up on my dad’s shoulders and wrapped my arms around his neck. The motor roared to life and seconds later I was riding my dads shoulders at thirty miles an hour. That’s one of my puzzle pieces. I wonder if it’s one of his.

Oh, crumpled bits of paper
Filled with imperfect thought
Stilted conversations
I’m afraid that’s all we’ve got ~
The Living Years, Mike and the Mechanics

On Friday I had my dad placed in a memory care facility. He needs constant supervision, otherwise he might wander off. I know it’s hard to think of putting your parent in a locked facility, but it’s a very nice place and I’m comfortable with it. For years he had been cared for by his long time girlfriend who was at her wits end. Despite her emotional exhaustion, she had a harder time with the decision than my siblings and I. 

One thing that will forever make me think of my dad is the TV show Two and a Half Men. No, my dad didn’t love the show. In fact, I’d be surprised if he knew about it at all. In the picture above, see the higher one of the two framed posters on the wall? It’s a poster of Earl Hines, a legendary American jazz musician. I wish that I could have found a better picture of it. That poster was on the wall on that set every year that Charlie Sheen was on the show. When Ashton Kutcher showed up they redecorated. (How many of you even knew that in the last couple seasons they replaced Charlie Sheen with Ashton Kutcher?)  You may not know of Earl Hines, but in jazz circles he’s still famous enough that when my son went to college a few years ago they were still teaching Earl Hines songs to the jazz ensemble. So, why does a famous jazz musician remind me of my dad?

On a snowy December night in Syracuse, N.Y. in the early to mid 1970’s my dad was on his way home from working late and he saw a car broken down by the side of the road. It was Earl Hines and his manager. My dad gave them a ride to their hotel. For a few years after that they remained in touch and whenever Earl Hines was playing in Syracuse, he’d meet my dad for dinner and my mom and dad might go to the show if they could get a babysitter. That is one of my puzzle pieces. I wonder if it’s one of his.

Freedom’s just another word for nothin’ left to lose
Nothin’, don’t mean nothin’ hon’ if it ain’t free, no no
And, feelin’ good was easy, Lord, when he sang the blues
You know, feelin’ good was good enough for me
Good enough for me and my Bobby McGee ~
Janis Joplin

Me and Bobby McGee. He used to walk around the house playing his guitar and singing it. That is one of my puzzle pieces. I wonder if it’s one of his.

They say you grow up to be your parents. If someday I become a Jigsaw Man, I wonder what my puzzle pieces will be. 

Have a great Sunday! ~Phil