Everybody poops. In fact, I would bet a fair number of you are doing it right now while reading this on your smart phone. If you are pooping, I bet you’re doing it at home. Am I right?
It was really tough to find a poop picture that I thought would get by the Facebook censors so I could promote this post. Oh the search terms I used to find these pictures! The NSA will probably laugh their constipated asses off when they review their Phil Factor log today.
This is a sensitive yet important topic that I wanted to be accessible to as many people as possible because this is a very serious subject that impacts millions of poople every day. I want poople to know that domesticus poopius is no reason to feel shamed or embarrassed. I want to bring pooping out into the light, into a public forum where we can all examine it without stigma.
According to true fact statistics that I made up, at least 50% of you are poop at home people. If you’re a poop-at-home-poople, or domesticus poopius, which is the medical name for this disorder, then you’ve been impacted by it’s limitations for your entire life. Am I right?
Reluctant to go out with friends if you haven’t pooped all day? You go as much as possible before a vacation because you know you might not go again for days. Discomfort at work because you won’t go there? Or maybe you’ll go, but only in one particular bathroom and only during a time when no one else is around? Bloating and flatulence from the back-up in your bowels? These are all symptoms of this terrible, terrible condition.
I don’t have this disorder. I can go anywhere. In fact, I’m doing it now. In a stall at LaGuardia airport while I write this on my phone. There’s a line outside the door, but I don’t care. But this is a problem for a lot of you, so let’s talk about it. First, in order to fix the problem you have to understand the why.
Is it a fear of germs at public restrooms? Guess what? Your skin is the largest organ in your body and it’s essentially a giant condom you’re body is wearing to protect your insides from germs. And it does a wonderful job of it, doesn’t it? The only disease you can really get from from a toilet seat is ringworm, and that’s not so bad is it?
Worried about others knowing that smell came from you? Who cares? We all do it. Even the Pope, Queen Elizabeth, and Neil deGrasse Tyson poop and I bet they stink really bad. (In doing my “research” I did find a list of Neil deGrasse Tyson quotes and none of them were about poop, meaning it’s likely he has domesticus poopius and is embarrassed to speak of it)
Domesticus Poopius is so prevalent it has even made it’s way into pop culture. Or should I say poop culture? Some of you may remember a Seinfeld episode where Kramer had to go and couldn’t get home in time and lost the urge, resulting in days long constipation. More recently there was a How I Met Your Mother episode in which Lily found a hotel charge on Marshall’s bank statement and she thought he was cheating until he admitted that he couldn’t get home in time so he got a hotel room so he could be comfortable pooping.
If you think about it, domesticus poopius is really an anxiety/fear based disorder. All toilets are basically the same, unless you’re in a third world country and have to squat over a trough. If you’re anywhere there’s indoor plumbing and you won’t poop it’s because you’re fearful of something involved with the process. Domesticus poopius is a mental disorder that can have real physical symptoms that are dangerous. I could go into a list from WebMD, but it wouldn’t scare you as much as what your imagination might conjure up about holding in your poop too long. Guess what? Your imagination would be right, so go. Go freely and go anywhere it’s legal and appropriate! Free your mind and your bowels and never feel that shame again. If I was Oprah I’d say, “You get to poop, and you get to poop, and you get to poop. Everybody gets to poop!”
Well this has gone on long enough. Gotta go, if you know what I mean. If you want to save the life of a poop at home person please share this with them by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog buttons below. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil