Did I watch the Olympic opening ceremonies? Not really. However, I will see the Super Bowl half-time show next weekend. It’s a short month and I only have so much pomp and circumstance tolerance. Is it just me or are the Olympic opening ceremonies just a cross between an elaborate drama club production and a marching band half-time show?
Not only am I not interested in the opening ceremonies, but the Winter Olympics in general are the equivalent of televised Liquid NyQuil. You can’t possibly get me to believe that virtually every Olympian has overcome decades of great personal tragedy to reach their lofty goal. The networks spend more time telling you about the athletes than they do letting you watch them.
Olympic Announcer 1: “Welcome to Bejing, China! Here we are at the first round of the 10,000 Meter Cross Country Skiing Championship. The favorite in the event is the Swede, Signard Snuffleupagusmussen.”
Olympic Announcer 2: “Very few people know this, but growing up in Sweden, Signard had to overcome decades of great personal tragedy to reach his lofty goal.”
Olympic Announcer 1: “You don’t say? How unusual!”
Olympic Announcer 2: That’s right Announcer 1. As a child, Signard was afflicted with near paralyzing ingrown toenails. His doctors told Signard’s parents that it was possible that little Signard would have to wear open-toed shoes forever. His hopes of being an Olympic cross-country skier looked hopeless. “
Olympic Announcer 1: “Also, in a frigid country such as Sweden, there is no season good for open-toed shoes. Fortunately for the viewers we have a 30-minute video clip of Signard training with his specially made open-toed ski boots. What courage it must have taken!”
Olympic Announcer 2: As if that weren’t enough of a challenge, Signard was born left-handed and still struggles to button his shirts properly to this day!
Ok, I may have watched a bit of the opening ceremonies. All I’ve got to say is that the Winter Olympics need to be cancelled because apparently there isn’t a country in the world that can find a good looking winter hat for their teams to wear. Also, I’m moving to the Philippines. First off, the country is named after me, and secondly, they only have only one Olympian. I’m pretty sure I could make the team there. Just by virtue of growing up in upstate New York I have better Nordic skills than everyone in the Phillipines.
What’s the deal with the Biathalon? You ski for a bit and then you pull out a rifle and shoot at things. That sounds like terrorist training for Nordic countries. Although, have you ever noticed that terrorist acts never take place in cold weather countries? If the Olympic committee wants to stop worrying about terrorist attacks at the Olympics they should just award the Games to Greenland every four years.
In my esteemed opinion almost all Winter Olympic events are just stuff kids do when they’re playing outside on Christmas break. Luge? Skeleton? Bobsled? Sledding, sledding, and more sledding! We could all do that! Figure skating? That’s just toddler pageants on ice! Snowboarding? I bet you could go to any ski mountain anywhere in the world and find a dozen teenagers high on pot doing better tricks than Shaun White. This is Shaun’s last Olympics so I’d like to recognize the legacy he created. Shaun, farewell and thank you for what you did for alternative winter sports.
As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor in the spirit of the Olympics please share it by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or other share buttons below. Have a great weekend! ~Phil