Here are the Top Ten Reasons Why Phil Does Not Own A Gun:
1. I would kill people.
Ok, I guess there’s only one reason. It seems to be a pretty good reason. I’m not a legal expert, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night. While I was there watching CSI and Law and Order a recurring theme seemed to be that killing people was illegal. That’s unfortunate. No, don’t worry, I’m not fantasizing about going on a crime spree of any kind. I just think that if I had a gun there are times that the stupidity of some people in average, ordinary situations would cause me to snap and fire off a few rounds. In your heart of hearts, don’t you all feel the same sometimes? Aren’t there at least some behaviors by others that, while they aren’t illegal, they are annoying enough that a death penalty should be imposed immediately to prevent it from happening again? Here are some of the everyday situations that I believe could be punishable by death:
1. Writing out a paper check to pay for your purchases in the “7 items and under” line. I considered advocating for the death penalty just for writing paper checks alone, but I was feeling generous today. There should be a special line for paper check writers, or maybe just certain hours of the day that these dopes can go to stores, like when the old people are there.
2. Speaking of yourself in the 3rd person. Phil thinks this is very pretentious and Phil hates it when celebrities and athletes speak of themselves in the 3rd person during interviews.
3. Driving below the speed limit. Unless I see you slumped over your steering wheel unconscious, I expect everyone to maintain the posted speed limit or else I would feel justified in at least firing a warning shot. I often fantasize that my car could have a giant laser mounted on the hood so I could just vaporize anyone who might impede my progress unnecessarily. (Just so you know, if I did see someone slumped over their steering wheel unconscious, I would pull up next to their car, roll down my window, lean out of my car while steering it with my feet, and open their door to give them CPR while both cars were speeding down the freeway.)
I could go on and on. My blog is evidence of that, but I must go. I apologize for having been so inactive on my blog lately. I’ve been very busy preparing to move. Remember back in October when I talked about selling my house? Well, I’m finally moving this weekend. The fiasco that became my sale could have filled daily blog posts for the past 6 weeks, but it was not amusing to me at all. That being said, I probably won’t be able to post again until Tuesday night. I hope you’re all still here when I get back.