My Solution To The Gun Crisis in America

His eyes are closed! He definitely shouldn’t have a gun. Photo from

There are two sides to every argument and this one is no different. Earlier this week Donald Trump proposed that instead of more restrictions on guns in the United States we just need more guns in the United States. In fact, he wants teachers in schools to be loaded for bear just in case a school shooter steps on the premises. More people with guns and bullets flying in multiple directions? (Warning: Read the next sentence with extreme sarcasm) I don’t see how that could go wrong!

Being a reasonable and rational man, (I can see you rolling your eyes right now. Stop that!) I decided to delve into this argument and look at it from both sides. The concern of many is the type of guns available to just about anybody. In some states, if you’ve got a pulse and a United States birth certificate, you can get an automatic weapon with nobody even blinking an eye. For some, it’s the type of gun that people can get their hands on that’s the problem. I couldn’t agree more. Automatic weapons are tools of war and have no place in the hands and homes of civilians.

Think about comparing guns to cars. Anybody and everybody can get a license to drive a car, but not just anybody can drive a military tank. I’m not saying all guns should be eliminated, just the types that are dangerous in the hands of the wrong people. Just like cars, I can drive one, but I probably shouldn’t be able to go to my local department store and buy a military tank. I’d be pretty dangerous with that. I say let everyone have access to guns, but only certain kinds. What kinds you ask? Here’s where I get creative!

Lets take the dangerous guns out of the hands of the public. Which ones though? My suggestions is to take away the ones with bullets. Guns don’t kill people. Bullets kill people. It’s pretty rare that an empty gun has ever killed anyone, despite all the pistol whipping you see in crime shows. But, criminals will be criminals, so we can’t just take away the bullets. They’d find a way to get them illegally. So we have to take away all the bullets and the dangerous guns.

I’m sure you’re saying to yourself, “But Phil, what guns aren’t dangerous?” First, I like that you said “But Phil” when thinking to yourself. Secondly there are only three types of guns the public should be allowed to have: Nerf, water, and Potato.  I’m sure most of you are familiar with the first two. If you’re not familiar with Potato guns, here’s the description from Wikipedia:  A potato cannon is a pipe-based cannon which uses air pressure (pneumatic), or combustion of a flammable gas (aerosol, propane, etc.), to launch projectiles at high speeds. They are built to fire chunks of potato. When I was a kid we fired tennis balls out of them instead of potatoes. Sure, if the gas or propane backfires, you’ve got a big problem, but in that case only the shooter gets hurt. Now if someone decided to shoot tater tots, that would be an epically good use of a Spud gun as long as someone else had a ketchup gun.

Yes, when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first,  I’m removing all bullet firing weapons from the public domain with the exception of law enforcement and the military. Don’t give me the protecting your own home or hunting argument. More guns in homes accidentally kill people in the home than they do criminals. Get yourself an alarm system and a baseball bat. Hunting? Really? Is there anyone in the United States that needs to hunt to survive? Bueller? Bueller? Yeah, I didn’t think so. If you really like shooting or want a gun in your home, get a Nerf gun or a potato gun. Like Ralphie’s mother worried, you might shoot your eye out, but nobody’s getting killed. Trust me, we don’t need guns. We’re idiots. The fact that the Kardashians are still on TV proves that. #PHIL2020

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

46 responses to “My Solution To The Gun Crisis in America

  1. I totally hear you on this! Nerf guns can be pretty lethal too, if used at close aim!

  2. A well constructed argument Phil! I’d definitely vote for you for Pres, but as I’m not an American I probably wouldn’t be allowed. I love the idea of everyone owning a water, nerf or potato gun 😊

  3. i’m a huge fan of marshmallow shooters – great post )

  4. I am all about arming everyone with a tater tot gun. I also agree that a ketchup gun would be needed as well.

  5. I’m on the no fly list since the baseball incident , does that create a purchasing problem for me? I think your ideas are swell. 😊

  6. Genius! I have often argued that Regular People can’t own bazookas or personal-sized atomic bombs, so why automatic weapons? Hadn’t thought of the Tank Argument! Now, just be careful with that ketchup gun — you don’t wanna squirt somebody’s eye out!

  7. I am sooo on your side!

  8. Sound idea, Phil! There is also some sort of gun that shoots shots of liquor at people. That is also a totally acceptable weapon.

  9. One of my students in history class commented that Trump’s solution to gun crime would be like trying to solve a shark infestation problem by adding more sharks. Hopefully there are more lids like this growing into out future!
    As a teacher, albeit in Ireland, I thoroughly disagree with arming in schools.
    In fact, I cannot believe anyone is taking that as an opinion.
    What are we doing??

  10. This is a phenomenal post, Phil. The military tank comparison is spot on! I also wonder, with arming teachers… what if they don’t want to carry guns? Now we’ve turned our educational system into a profession needing to bear weapons? It’s like being conscripted into the army!

  11. I read today that if you saw a child hitting someone with a stick would you give everyone a stick, only selected people sticks or just take the stick anyway. Anyway, I’m 100% with you on this one.

  12. I think a good potato whump would stop anyone.

  13. You had my vote at tater tots and ketchup guns. Nostalgic for school lunches now.

  14. Guns are no fun…yeah, it’s a cop out…but it’s Saturday so…

  15. Yeah. Have all the guns you want. Put them on the wall and look at them as art. But you get no bullets.

  16. How about paint guns? I’ve fantasized shooting at various political signs, and the cars of stupid drivers.

  17. Well done Phil. It’s good that you solved it. 😀

    I actually think it is a really good idea to make it harder to buy bullets. That would make it sooo much harder to kill people.

  18. Spot on Phil; you’re the Man. I read this interesting stuff about gun free spaces in the US – the White House, Capitol Hill, all town halls, the GOP national convention. You wouldn’t want guns there as they might be dangerous but in schools… hey, of course, why not.

  19. I moved into a new neighborhood and my kids instantly made friends with a precocious young man named Brian. Brian made a potato launcher, which he stored in my shed. One day, I said, “Brian, why is that potato thingy still in my shed?” “Oh, Mrs. Chicken”, he said, “I can’t take that home. My parents would kill me.”

  20. I’m totally down with the nerf and water guns, though.

  21. LMAO. Yes, when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, – Hopefully it will happen as President so you can have real power.

  22. Yeah that’ll work. Because murderers always obey all the gun laws. You say take the guns out of people s hands as if you really believe it is possible. That’s incredibly niave. Newflash; I’m pretty sure criminals don’t care about gun laws.

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