Throwback Thursdays: Sweet Child of Mime (Oct. 17,2005)

This was one of my favorite posts ever because I thought then, and now, that it’s a pretty clever title.


Often as a parent I’m concerned about what my child is exposed to when he’s not with me. I worry that at school, on the bus, or in the neighborhood he may hear bad language that other kids learn from their parents, hear stories about “R” rated movies or professional wrestling that some kids are allowed to see, or even worse, that some other kid may loan my child a copy of Grand Theft Auto for Playstation.

Today my greatest fear was realized. I was totally unprepared to explain the unmitigated horror that my innocent 7 year son was exposed to at school today. Mimes! They didn’t even send a note home asking permission to let my child see a mime! If anyone is going to annoy my child with stupid behavior it’s going to be me! I do not want those annoying bastards trying to convince my son that they’re stuck in an invisible box, or trying to get him to play invisible tug of war with them. Why the hell don’t mimes talk? You can pretend to climb an invisible ladder and talk.

Are we really to believe that miming is the occupation of choice for mutes? What’s wrong, were all the Oompa Loompa jobs taken? Just once I’d love to see a mime who spoke through his entire act. Who wouldn’t want to hear a mime say, “Oh crap! I’m stuck in this freakin’ box again! Hey morons! Do you think you could stop just staring at me and maybe try to feel around the outside of this box for a doorknob or something? Remind me not to get stuck at the top of an invisible ladder when you mooks are around. This is definitely not a mensa meeting.”

As always, if you enjoy what you read at #ThePhilFactor please leave a comment and hit the Facebook, Twitter, or other Share buttons below. And for God’s sake, if you know a mime, let him out of that box so he’ll stop. I wonder what would happen if you mimed shooting a mime…

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