Category Archives: Throwback Thursdays

TBT! The “I Love All Four Seasons” People

Get ready. This is coming

(Sept. 10, 2016) We’ve all been in this conversation:

Other Human: Boy it sure is hot today!

Me: Yeah, but I’ll take this over winter any day.

Other Human: Not me! I love all four seasons! The fall colors are beautiful, and there’s nothing better than curling up in front of the fire on a cold winter night. And the Spring! All the flowers are beautiful!

Me: (imagining myself punching Other Human in the face)  What are you, fecking Snow White? The other seasons suck. You’re dead to me.

I’m not sure, but I imagine Snow White as the ultimate optimist. Her step-mother tried to kill her and she just went and lived with dwarfs until a Prince came along. And she sang and whistled happy tunes while doing housework! She probably loved all four seasons. I’ve never once sang and whistled while shoveling three feet of snow from my driveway.

2916294989_ee0c568a48_z

“Oh the Fall is so beautiful. I love the colors!” Yeah, well you know what? The colors on my 50 inch HD TV are gorgeous and I don’t have to go outside and pick the colors up off my yard for two months while inhaling mold and allergens. That’s ok though, you go ahead and frolic in leaf piles.

My problem is that I’ve lived in the northeastern part of the United States for my entire life. The first half of my life was my parents fault. But since I was liberated from their tyrannical control, it’s all on me that I still live here. I’ve grown sick and tired of damp, cool, Falls, cold, snowy winters, and Springs that are like living in England. (Yeah, sorry England, I hate to break it to you, but your weather is not great.)

I’m all about being an optimist and understanding others perspectives, but in February of 2015 the average temperature for the entire month in my hometown was 12 degrees. And not toasty warm 12 degrees celsius, whatever that is. It was 12 degrees Fahrenheit which is the manly American way of measuring temperature. We had over 100 inches (254 centimeters) of snow for the entire winter. Snow that had to be removed from driveways and roads. Yeah, you “I love all four seasons” people, how much fun was that season?

its-dark-when-i-leave-for-work-its-rainy-when-im-at-work-and-its-dark-when-i-get-home-64972

That picture above this is me every Spring until about June. Yes, I know that rain is good for nature and all, but seriously, how can you “I love the four seasons” people actually love Spring? Who enjoys going around being damp all the time?

Admit it, none of you  really love all the seasons. You know who says that? Idiots and people who live somewhere that doesn’t really have all four seasons. So as summer turns into Fall, consider yourselves warned that if you engage in a weather related conversation with me, it’s not going to end well.

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! Who Is The New host of Jeopardy, Alex?

This was originally from March 2013 when nobody was reading me. This post is relevant because 107 year old Jeopardy host Alex Trebek announced this week that he would retire in 2020. I’ll believe it when I see it Alex. You’ve teased me like this before. Also, read down to the last paragraph to see who was Alex’s supposed replacement in 2013. Very interesting….

trebek

Don’t know what I was thinkin’ of
I guess I just wasn’t too bright
Well, I sure hope I do better
Next weekend on The Price Is Right, -ight, -ight
I lost on Jeopardy, baby (oooh)  ~ Weird Al Yankovic

The answer is Phil Taylor for $500. After all these years my dream job is finally available! Rumor is that if Alex Trebek lives long enough to complete the 2014-2015 season he will finally retire. From blogger to Jeopardy host! My ascension to the throne is near. Admit it; if you’re being perfectly honest with yourself, once Alex shaved off his porn mustache he completely lost his game show host mojo. That is not a mistake I will make. I am in fact working on a handlebar mustache as we speak.

What is jumping to conclusions Alex? Not so fast my little pretty.  I’m not going to be happy just hosting Jeopardy! I’m going to revamp and revitalize that tired old game show to return it to its rightful place as an American institution as respected as the Presidency itself. How am I going to do that you ask? Please state your answer in the form of a question. What is, introducing new categories Alex? For a while Jeopardy was fun, but eventually the common man (me) got tired of Alex and all the smug little contestants and their snooty little answers to Potent Potables and Potpourri.

Categories I would introduce would include Beer Pong Rules, Lindsay Lohan arrests, and Crazy Celebrity Quotes. Oddly,  the correct answer to every question in all three categories is “Who is Alec Baldwin?”. The Visual Daily Double will be Name that Roadkill. Which brings me to the next change I would make to the show.

Enough with the “I’m sorry; the answer must be in the form of a question.” If it’s in the form of a question, it’s not an answer, it’s a question! That idea had to be some weird Canadian voodoo Alex brought across the border from our neighbors to the North. On Phil Taylor’s Jeopardy! if you get an answer right I don’t care how you say it, as long as you don’t say it in Canadian. I can’t believe Alex Trebek didn’t get punched in the face more often over this rule.

On Phil Taylor’s Jeopardy! there will also be no more High School Week or College Week either. All of us grown adults who have navigated the universe successfully enough to get where we are do not need any snot nosed little punks acting all superior because they know a word that rhymes with orange.

Right now the talk is that Matt Lauer has the inside track on the job. Puh-leeze! His popularity is receding faster than his hairline. If you’d like to support my bid for Jeopardy! host, after Alex retires or is the victim of an unfortunate accident, you can follow me on Facebook or try my humorous murder mystery novel, White Picket Prisons, available for just $2.99 on Amazon, Barnes & Noble and iTunes.  I also want to say a quick welcome to all those who came to The Phil Factor from Candy’s Raves after reading my guest post this week.

Throwback Thursday! It’s A Bieber World After All

(july 26, 2014) Wow. That is one pretty girl next to wheelchair-bound Justin Bieber!  Turns out it is a Bieber world after all and we’re just living in it. If you just got a panicked feeling and shouted “What? Justin’s in a wheelchair?” then you must be a Belieber.  And why wouldn’t you be?

BieberWheelchairPhil

The Biebs again proved how awesome he is by using Disneyland’s policy of allowing those in wheelchairs to go to the front of the line of rides and attractions. He claims he “tweaked” his knee playing basketball.  So in spite of his great pain and suffering, the benevolent Bieber allowed his handlers to wheel him past families and children in hours-long lines so they could get a good look at their hero. Seriously, how many celebrities take the time to do that for their fans. I was so impressed that I decided to write a song about him.

When Bieber Jumped the Queues (sing to the tune of Janis Joplin’s Me and Bobby McGee click link for video

Busted flat in Disneyland, waiting for a train
And I’m feeling jaded and mean.
Bieber thumbed a wheelchair down just before it rained,
And rode it all the way to the front of the lane.I pulled my hair from my head and said “That took no time!”,
I was fuming soft while Bieber jumped the queues.
Biebers handlers slapping fans, I was holding Bieber’s picture in mine,
We sang every song that Bieber knew. Bieber’s just another nerd turned into a kid who drinks the booze,
Nothing he does, nothing’s funny if it ain’t Bieber, now now.
And feeling good was easy, when Bieber jumped the queues,
You know feeling good was good enough for me,
Good enough for me and my Bieber, baby.
From the Canadian sticks to the California sun,
Hey, Bieber shared the secrets of my soul.
Through all kinds of weather, through everything that we done,
Hey Bieber baby kept me from acting old.
Ok, that was awful, but the main reason for this whole post was just to put that picture there. If you’re not from the States and don’t know the song, I apologize.  The phrase ‘Me and Bieber McGee’ has been stuck in my head since Thursday. What I really need is my friend Marissa Bergen, who is both brilliantly poetic and musical to take the idea and make a music video  like she did with a parody of Radiohead’s Creep. Have a great Thursday! Please don’t share this. It’s just terrible. ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! Two People I Hate

(June 21, 2014) Typically I’m all about suffering fools gladly because I am so wise. Today, not so much. Well, not so much the suffering fools part I mean. Of course I’m still wise. That’s why you read my blog right? The Phil Factor: Where Wisdom Gets Drunk and Let’s Its Hair Down. Here are two people that I hate with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns:

No ice guy: Hey, everyone who goes to a fast food joint or restaurant and orders your beverage with “No ice please”, what is wrong with you? If you’re at a fast food restaurant a drink is so large that it could douse the sun. Do you really need the extra three ounces of sugar water that saying “No ice please!” gives you? If you’re doing it to save money so you don’t have to buy another beverage when you finish that one then you probably shouldn’t be eating out in the first place. Others may site some mythical internet rumor stating that restaurant ice is full of germs. Hey guess what? The whole world is full of germs! If you hide from germs your body won’t develop an immunity to them and when you do get exposed you’ll get sick.  Don’t fear germs, embrace them!

picture credit: justalittlenutty.com

picture credit: justalittlenutty.com

Supermarket check writer: This mostly applies to old people who haven’t learned about these new fangled debit and credit cards everyone’s been raving about for thirty years. You know what? I don’t care if you use a check. What is a big deal is when the person in line in front of me is using a check but seems to have no idea that the cashier is going to ask for payment. Look, using a check is a pre-meditated act. If you know you’re going to a store and you’re going to write a check, fill in the name of the store, today’s date, and oh..I don’t know, maybe your own freakin’ name! And for the sake of all that is good in this world do not stand at the register entering the amount in your Little House on the Prairie check register as meticulously as if God had come down from the heavens and given you the amount to inscribe on a stone tablet. You only get so much time on this Earth. Is writing checks how you want to spend it? If it’s just your own time you’re wasting, I don’t care. Write a hundred checks! If I’m in line behind you, you’re now wasting my time. This is why it’s not a good idea to have guns and ammunition available as “impulse buy” items at the check out. Hell, I’d probably have time to register the gun and pass the background check while someone is filling out a check.

So who, or what gets under your skin?As always, if you enjoyed my little rant feel free to comment and share by the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. Have a great weekend! ~ Phil

 

Throwback Thursday! Britney Baby One More Time!

This post from June of 2006 is truly a time machine. When was the last time you heard of Britney Spears in the news? Back in 2006 she was big news every week. Also, what’s funny about this is that you could have, at any point in the last ten years, deleted Britney’s name and inserted Lindsay Lohan, Amanda Bynes, Charlie Sheen, or Kim Kardashian and it would be the same post.

(June 16, 2006) Is it just me, or is everyone tired of hearing about Britney Spears? No one this dumb has been this famous since Forrest Gump. When I become President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to declare a one year moratorium on Britney Spears news. I’m pretty sure that if we went a year without Britney news the sun would still continue to rise every day and life, death, and taxes would still go on.

I don’t know the exact statistics, but judging by the amount of publicity she has received over the last two years, I would guess that Britney has been married at least six times and hasn’t gone a day without being pregnant. Also, based on the frequency of media reports, I would guess that her many children are constantly in danger of losing their lives based on her stupidity. If she wants to drive down the Santa Monica freeway with her infant child on the roof of her car, feel free to call Child Protective Services, but please don’t put it on t.v. or the cover of every magazine in my supermarket. Unless her next husband is the Pope, I also don’t give a rat’s ass who she is or isn’t married to.

The next time Britney goes a day without being married or pregnant you can let me know, because that truly would be news. And if someone could manage to snap a photo of her where she isn’t crying with black mascara running down her face I certainly would appreciate it. For god’s sake someone, get the girl some Prozac and a makeover! The other day I was home watching ABC (All Britney Channel) when they tried to slip in some crazy story about a war in Iraq. How long has that been going on?

Throwback Thursday! Kanye Worst…Human Being Ever

(Feb. 20, 2016) “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove doubt” ~attributed to either Abraham Lincoln or Mark Twain.

1432152088-o740d

Just like Kanye Worst, I break the rules. In this case I broke my own rules against torturing people with GIFs, but Kanye is so horrible that I had to do something equally horrible. If any human has ever embodied the Abe Lincoln/Mark Twain quote better than Kanye Worst, I have no idea who it is, although Donald Trump is gaining fast.

Apparently last week was Kanye Worst Week and nobody told me. I don’t think anyone told Kanye either, he just forced himself upon the public consciousness whether we wanted it or not. We didn’t.

Let’s review the last week in the life of Kanye Worst”

Feb. 10: At an album release party/fashion show in NYC he announced that he’s creating a video game about his late mother “traveling through the gates of heaven.” If Kanye Worst makes a video game it should be called Call of Doody.

Feb. 11: He rented out Madison Square Garden and stocked it with 700 models to promote his clothing line and release his new album at the same time. A line from one of his songs says, “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex / I made that bitch famous.” I assume he’s talking about Taylor Swift, with whom he has an ongoing public feud, and not me. I hope.

Feb.13: Kanye Worst was the musical guest on Saturday Night Live, of whom he once said in a song in 2010, “Fuck SNL and the whole cast / tell ‘em Yeezy said they can kiss my whole ass.” At least it rhymed.

Feb. 13: Tweeted that he’s $53 million in debt. 

Feb. 14: Used Twitter to ask Facebook owner Mark Zuckerberg to invest a billion dollars in him. Hey Kanye, maybe next time you want money from Facebook you should try sending a Facebook message.

Feb. 14: At the Grammy Awards, where Taylor Swift won one and Kanye Worst did not, again, Taylor Swift took a shot at Kanye by saying, “there are going to be people along the way who are going to try to undercut your success or take credit for your accomplishments or your fame,”

aisle

Ok, I’m only four days into the last week of Kanye Worst’s life and I’m tired of him already. You’re getting the gist though, right? He’s been a busy asshat. But at least he’s consistent. Here’s some more of his “hijinks”

2004: Stormed out of the American Music Awards after another artist won the Best New Artist award.

kanye-west-mike-myers-hurricane-katrina-relief-tv-news-2005-photo-GC

2005: During a live televised fundraising concert for Hurricane Katrina, Kanye Worst took the stage with comedian/actor Mike Myers and went completely off script on a one minute rant about the media’s portrayal of African-American survivors of the tragedy and concluded by saying “George Bush doesn’t care about black people.”

2006: At the MTV Europe Music Awards he crashed the stage and launched into a profanity laced rant after someone else won the Best Hip Hop Artist Award.

2009: Interrupted Taylor Swift on stage who was accepting her MTV Music Award for best video to rant that Beyonce’ deserved the award.

2013: Named his daughter North West.

Seriously, who has a problem with Taylor Swift? That’s like hating Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz. I so wish I had the time and patience to take a picture of Dorothy and the Wicked Witch of the West and photoshop Taylor and Kaye’s heads into it. Picture that and laugh to yourself.

2018 update: And on May 1 of 2018 while visiting TMZ headquarters Kanye referred to “400 years of slavery” as a “choice.”

You’ve got to give the man credit for consistency though. He’s dedicated. That’s over a decade of being a public nutjob. I can’t really say that he’s the worst human being ever because there’s still Bill Cosby and serial killers, but Kanye is definitely climbing that list. I believe that he has earned the name Kanye Worst. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, Kanye will probably storm the stage and protest, but after that I will officially change his name on all legal documents to Kanye Worst, and I will decree that in the dictionary next to the word asshat there will be a picture of him.

Ironically, Kanye Worst himself would probably be proud of a rant like this. Kanye, if you’ve got a problem with me feel free to tweet me. Maybe I’ll give you that billion. Have a great Thursday everybody! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! Speedos, Cigs and Vespas: Why the Europeans are Better Than You

(09/20/2011) Believe it or not, TSA allowed me on a flight to Europe last week. I think they were hoping I only had a one way ticket because I definitely had an easier time getting out of the U.S. than back into it. My job took me to Spain and I managed not to get into a fight with any one from any country. Apparently The Phil Factor is universally adored.

The trip however, was an education.

1. Europeans are not afraid of lung cancer. How cool is that? In the long run that isn’t a bad thing either because it will result in fewer Europeans. Apparently word that cigarettes are bad for you hasn’t reached Europe yet. The Europeans love their cigs just about anytime of day anyplace they are no matter what they’re doing. The world class hotel I stayed in even had an entire floor of rooms set aside for smokers. Fortunately although I am not a smoker, I was graciously placed on the smoking floor so that I could enjoy the wonderful European ambience.

2. Europeans aren’t afraid of skin cancer either. Based on my observations I think  Europeans are in better physical shape than Americans and they are damn proud of it, especially at the beach in front of my hotel where clothing was optional. Unfortunately much of their pride in their bodies was sadly overestimated by the owners of many of those bodies. There needs to be an upper age limit imposed for beach nudity. And the dudes over there seriously love their Speedos. I saw a guy jogging in a Speedo, and he was smoking at the same time.

3. 9 o’clock is the new 4 o’clock: I think I figured out why the Europeans are in better shape than we are. They eat at weird times. They don’t lunch until about 2 pm and dinner until 9 or 10 pm. If I had to wait until 10 pm for my dinner, most days I would either pass out from low blood sugar or just plain fall asleep and miss the meal altogether.

4. The Euro rocks: The American dollar may buy less and less these days, but the Euro is awesome. One Euro is like $40 American! Do you know how many Speedos you can buy with a Euro? Me neither. I swear.  Apparently all the Europeans spend their Euro’s on Speedos, cigs and Vespas.

If you enjoy my nonsense and want to travel to far away exotic lands through the power of reading you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle and follow me on Twitter @ThePhil Factor.