Category Archives: Throwback Thursdays

Throwback Thursday! Speedos, Cigs and Vespas: Why the Europeans are Better Than You

(09/20/2011) Believe it or not, TSA allowed me on a flight to Europe last week. I think they were hoping I only had a one way ticket because I definitely had an easier time getting out of the U.S. than back into it. My job took me to Spain and I managed not to get into a fight with any one from any country. Apparently The Phil Factor is universally adored.

The trip however, was an education.

1. Europeans are not afraid of lung cancer. How cool is that? In the long run that isn’t a bad thing either because it will result in fewer Europeans. Apparently word that cigarettes are bad for you hasn’t reached Europe yet. The Europeans love their cigs just about anytime of day anyplace they are no matter what they’re doing. The world class hotel I stayed in even had an entire floor of rooms set aside for smokers. Fortunately although I am not a smoker, I was graciously placed on the smoking floor so that I could enjoy the wonderful European ambience.

2. Europeans aren’t afraid of skin cancer either. Based on my observations I think  Europeans are in better physical shape than Americans and they are damn proud of it, especially at the beach in front of my hotel where clothing was optional. Unfortunately much of their pride in their bodies was sadly overestimated by the owners of many of those bodies. There needs to be an upper age limit imposed for beach nudity. And the dudes over there seriously love their Speedos. I saw a guy jogging in a Speedo, and he was smoking at the same time.

3. 9 o’clock is the new 4 o’clock: I think I figured out why the Europeans are in better shape than we are. They eat at weird times. They don’t lunch until about 2 pm and dinner until 9 or 10 pm. If I had to wait until 10 pm for my dinner, most days I would either pass out from low blood sugar or just plain fall asleep and miss the meal altogether.

4. The Euro rocks: The American dollar may buy less and less these days, but the Euro is awesome. One Euro is like $40 American! Do you know how many Speedos you can buy with a Euro? Me neither. I swear.  Apparently all the Europeans spend their Euro’s on Speedos, cigs and Vespas.

If you enjoy my nonsense and want to travel to far away exotic lands through the power of reading you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle and follow me on Twitter @ThePhil Factor.

My Blog is a Teenager!

Yes, “blogiversary” is a word. It’s a word because I’m celebrating the birth of The Phil Factor on April 5th, 2005. And because I’m the only blogger here who has been around for 13 years I’m going to take credit for inventing the word Blogiversary. Also, you know how WordPress says 30% of the Internet is powered by WordPress? I think 9% of that is my 1800 posts.

Since my blog is a teenager, I guess I’ll have to have the sex talk with it soon. Here are 10 ways the world was different when I started my blog:

10. The U.S. President was George W. Bush

9. The Pope was John Paul II

8. The iPhone didn’t exist yet

7. Youtube was invented in 2005. Between the two, I think my blog has been a bigger success, don’t you?

6. The world hadn’t heard of Taylor Swift yet. In 2005 I was the more popular Taylor!

5. About 5 months after my blog premiered, the TV show How I Met Your Mother premiered and Barney said, “This is so going into my blog!” I was so proud at that moment.

4. In 2005 I was in another career, hadn’t published a book, and had no gray hair yet. In 2013 I published 50 Shades of Phil: It’s Not Mommy Porn, It’s Daddy Scorn, the top 50 posts from the first eight years of The Phil Factor.

3. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire movie came out.

2. In 2005 you couldn’t tweet yet because Twitter didn’t exist.

1. In 2005 Facebook existed, but who here was on it?

Since 2005 I’ve never won a Annual Bloggers Bash Award and voting begins tomorrow, for my blogiversary, would you keep me in mind when voting in the Funniest Blog category?

And, last but not least, in 2005 I hadn’t met any of you. Thank you for reading and commenting on my blog over the last 13 years. Since blogging is all about the interaction between bloggers, if you’ve read this far and want a free Kindle copy of any of my books, just let me know in the comments!

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! Distraction Action

(03/24/12) Distraction Action is a lot like Conjunction Junction. Who remembers that? Sing it with me! “Conjunction Junction, what’s your function?”  There you go, now it’s in your head for the day. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law against eating or smoking while driving. Yes, I know this is going to make some people mad. I have friends who smoke. I even have friends who eat.  I’m not opposed to smoking or eating if both are done in moderation.  I am opposed to unfair laws.

Over the past several years we’ve seen many laws passed to decrease distracted driving. Isn’t putting a stick in your mouth and lighting it on fire at least slightly distracting while driving? About 25 years ago my friend Bob went through a phase where whenever we got together and went out to a bar and played pool he would leave the room and return moments later with a pack of cigarettes. We weren’t smokers, or pool players for that matter, but we would smoke just one or two while we drank beer and played pool. I have no idea how smokers do it. Maybe I was bad at smoking or pool, probably both, but half of the time I couldn’t see what shot I was trying to make because of the smoke in my eyes.  If I can’t hold my cell phone next to my ear while my eyes are fully fixed on the road I don’t see why smokers are allowed to drive while smoke drifts into their eyes. Yes, I know all you smokers will hate this law because you’re running out of places you can legally smoke in public, but hey, guess what? Yeah, it’s your car, but the roadways are public and like I said, I’m not opposed to smoking, I’m opposed to you running into me because you accidentally lit your mustache on fire because you had to get in just one more cig before work.

Like I said, it’s not just smokers who are going to dislike my legislation. It’s eaters too. I’m an eater. The first step is admitting. My name is Phil and I eat and drive. I shouldn’t eat and drive. It’s distracting. It is virtually impossible to get the nugget in the little cup of dipping sauce unless you look down. And cutting your steak is almost impossible while driving. Once I actually saw someone eating corn on the cob while driving. At 8 a.m.! I’m not sure which I’m more appalled by. What’s even worse is that if I hit a rough patch of road my chocolate fountain keeps tipping over, which I find very distracting.

Although my proposed legislation is likely to be somewhat controversial, I’m confident that when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, my overwhelming popularity will make it an easy sell. #PHIL2020

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

TBT! How You Say Goodbye May Say A Lot About You

(03/21/2015) Don’t wanna be a fool for you
Just another player in your game for two
You may hate me but it ain’t no lie,
Baby Bye, bye, bye…
Bye Bye   ~N’SYNC, Bye, Bye, Bye

Some people are good at good byes and others…not so much. Adios, auf widersehen, good-bye, sayonara, bye, cheerio, buh bye, ciao, and bye bye are all ways to break company with someone. I was going to open this post with song lyrics about good byes from Train, but I couldn’t resist. It’s as if N’SYNC wrote that song just for me. Actually, they did. I was an original member of the group before I left to start The Phil Factor. Me and JT, we’re still cool though.

ryanlamb.blogspot.com

ryanlamb.blogspot.com

Parting is not always such sweet sorrow. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad and other times it’s just plain ridiculous. Everyone says their good byes differently, and how you do may say a lot about either you or how you feel about who you’re saying good bye to.

Bye: Short and to the point. Typically used when you either expect to see the other person again soon or you hate them and don’t want to waste your breath using more than one syllable on the other person. Being on the receiving end of such a curt send off is usually not good.

images (26)

Who doesn’t love crying James Van der Beek? am I right?

Bye Bye: A childish and demeaning way to part. Whether you’re saying it or you’re on the receiving end, it’s not good, unless you’re four years old. If you’re an adult and you ‘bye bye’ to anyone but your kids, you sound ridiculous. Trust me, it’s especially bad at the end of a job interview. Or eulogy.

Buh-bye: This one can only be delivered two ways: If you have a billion dollars and you’re watching guests leave a party at your palatial estate or if you are saying it dripping with sarcasm to someone you hate. This is how Kim Kardashian ends every marriage.

nickfanon.wikia.com

nickfanon.wikia.com

Usually I hate gifs, but c’mon, bears waving good-bye. How cute is that?

GoodbyeIt’s all in the delivery. If you’re leaving for a long trip and it comes with a hug and a smile it’s all good. If it’s said to you by a super-villain or a guy in a hockey mask, then, as the kids say, shit just got real.

And now it’s time for me to say good bye at the end of the post. Is there a good way to do it in writing? If you’d like to use this post to give someone a message, feel free to share it by hitting the Facebook or Twitter share buttons below. From the palatial blogging estate that is #ThePhilFactor, buh-bye and have a great weekend! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! The Everyday Oscars!

The Oscars are this Sunday. I’m still keeping my fingers crossed that I’ll hear my name called. If not, I’ll award myself an Everyday Oscar as I first did when I wrote this post in March of 2010.

Oscar

(03/07/2010) Well, it’s happened again. I was passed over. Not a single Oscar nomination. The whole process is completely biased against people like me. Ok, I know that there aren’t really other people like me, but that does not excuse the Hollywood establishments prejudice against me. The Oscars have been handed out longer than I’ve been alive, but not once have I been awarded a gold, phallic statuette. Just because I’m not some kiss-ass Hollywood insider who’s made a movie in the past year, they completely overlook my accomplishments!

It is because of this snub that I refuse to attend the awards ceremony. I do have Oscar-worthy acting talent. So do many of you. Just because our skills don’t appear on the big screen doesn’t mean our talents should go unappreciated! To recognize the acting achievements of everyone like me, I hereby introduce The First Annual Everyday Oscar Awards! I imagine the awards ceremony will go something like this:

MC Phil: “The Everyday Oscar for Best Performance in The Workplace goes to… (fumbling with envelope)… Mark Bingham for his role in “The Overdue Report!” (video clip begins to roll on the monitor).

Mark: “Yes Mr. Whalen, I knew that report was due this morning. I was about to forward it to you when I got the call that my grandmother, the woman who raised me after my parents died, was in a car accident.”

Mr. Whalen: “Is that a Hooters napkin sticking out of your pocket?”

Mark: “Yes it is, sir. The hospital needed two quarts of my blood for the transfusion. They said I should drink lots fluids for the rest of the day. I got a little woozy driving back to the office and I had to pull over.”

MC Phil: “That always brings a tear to my eye. Next up, the Everyday Oscar for Best Relationship Saving Performance goes to… Susan Reynolds for her fantastic performance in “Whose Boxers Are These?” (video clip begins to roll).

Boyfriend: “Heather, I just found these boxer shorts under your side of the bed! They’re not mine! Whose are they?”

Susan: “Awww! You ruined the surprise! I bought them for you, but I got so turned on at the thought of you in them, that I put them on myself and wore them around for a day. Would you like to see me in them?”

Boyfriend: “Are these your skid marks?”

Susan: “Umm…yeah?”

Come back Saturday for my wildly popular 5th Annual Snap Judgement Oscar Awards. As always, if you get a little laugh out of #ThePhilFactor please share by Facebook, Twitter or reblogging. Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! Angst Away! The Cure for That Valentine’s Stench

(02/15/14) That’s right ladies and gentlemen, it’s Angst Away! The body spray that covers up your pure hatred of Valentine’s Day! Can you smell it? A day after Valentine’s Day the smell of romantic angst everywhere is starting to fade.

axe

Look, I don’t have all the answers in life. I’m just a boy, standing in front of a computer asking you to read my blog, which in my world equates to love. If I get that little “like” click or God forbid, (gasp), a comment, I suddenly turn into Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah’s couch. Yeah, how’d that work out for you Tom?

Back to Valentine’s Day. Scrolling through my blog feed yesterday I saw/read more Valentine’s Day angst than I’ve ever seen. Some were trying to identify the perfect Valentine’s Day, some wanted to promote the even keel approach to showing love every day, and others decried the whole holiday as a giant societal “F you” to anyone who doesn’t currently have a romantic partner.

My thought is this: Jeez, lighten up everybody. Valentine’s Day is not out to get you. It’s not out to tell you anything about your life. Do you get upset around Labor Day because other people work harder than you? Don’t be an idiot. Your perspective is like a telescope. You only see what you choose to aim it at.

Over the past several years most of American society has been completely nuts for The Walking Dead and Breaking Bad, both very romantic shows. Well guess what? I don’t care. I’m sure they’re great TV shows, but they’re not a big deal for me. If people want to enjoy those shows, great for them. It’s fun to have something in common to talk about with others, but I don’t think I’m an incomplete person because I don’t watch them and I don’t stress if I missed the season finale.

Valentine’s Day should be treated the same way. If you don’t like it, change the channel, focus on something else. I’ll let you in on a little secret.  I’ve noticed a pattern. Valentine’s Day happens every year on February 14th, then it goes away, and guess what? You’re still here and so is everyone else. You’d better keep your guard up though because St. Patrick’s Day is just around the corner and those happy Irish folks are also out to make you feel bad because you don’t have a shamrock tattooed on your ass. (I’m not saying I do or don’t. It might just be an example.)

Like I said, I don’t have all the answers. I have a blog and my perspective. You have your perspective too, and you can change it if you want. Have a great weekend and if you liked #ThePhilFactor show me a little love by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, reblog, or other share button below.

Picture Credits: themetapicture.com and o.canada.com

Throwback Thursday! The United States of Oprah

I hate to be a know it all. OK, no I don’t hate to be a know-it-all, but when you’re psychic, sometimes you know all sorts of things. I know most of you think I’m just kidding about being psychic, but when I keep getting stuff right, it’s hard to deny the truth.

Last Sunday at The Golden Globe Awards, when talk show host Oprah Winfrey accepted the Cecil B. de Mille award (yeah, Oprah Winfrey needs awards like we need more Weight Watcher commercials about fake taco parties at her house) she gave an impassioned speech about women fighting sexual harassment and abuse. Her speech was so impressive that people are talking about her being elected President in 2020. When asked if she’d thought about it, she acknowledged that she’s thinking about running.

This is where I come in, or rather where I came in in October of 2011 when I wrote this post in which I suggested that Oprah could become President of the United States. The following is that post in it’s entirety:

Scary, isn’t it?

(Oct. 11, 2011) Oprah has a new t.v. show starting next week. And it’s on every freaking night. Is it just me, or did everyone else think to themselves, “Oh my God! I thought we just got rid of her. What the hell else can she possibly have to say?”

Oprah Winfrey is arguably the most famous person in America. Oprah Winfrey could probably buy Switzerland and have enough money left over to order a pizza. If George W. Bush likes a book, it’s probably by Dr. Suess. If Oprah Winfrey likes a book it becomes a bestseller. (I sure hope she likes my blog) If you help Oprah lay off the carbs for a few weeks, you can get your own t.v. show and become a pop culture icon.

If Hollywood ever decides to update the ancient fable of King Midas as a movie they could just substitute Oprah’s life story. Why she doesn’t just ride to her public appearances in a Popemobile is beyond me. Was this paragraph redundant? Absolutely. Was it superfluous? I think not.

You get the point. Oprah is big, and not in the way she used to be. Her popularity has reached heights that few celebrities ever have known. Barack Obama can only dream of a public consensus like that. My question is, what’s stopping Oprah from running for the presidency? If the population is, as they say, 52% women, how could she be stopped? Scary thought huh? Then again, I might not be opposed to Oprah as President. Think about it…with her money she could bail out the U.S. economy without batting an eyelash. And can you imagine the State of the Union address when she says, “To help stimulate the economy…(dramatic pause)…everyone in the United States gets a new car! You get a car! You get a car! You get a car!” In fact, I hope Oprah does become President because that would mean we would probably see her on t.v. a lot less. (End of 2011 post)

That’s it. In 2011 I envisioned a world where Oprah becomes President. You can just call me Philstradamus from now on. Practice saying it. Phil-stra-daa-mus.  It will roll off the tongue after a few tries.

Have a great Thursday! I know you will 😉  ~Phil