Category Archives: Throwback Thursdays

Throwback Thursday! Angst Away! The Cure for That Valentine’s Stench

(02/15/14) That’s right ladies and gentlemen, it’s Angst Away! The body spray that covers up your pure hatred of Valentine’s Day! Can you smell it? A day after Valentine’s Day the smell of romantic angst everywhere is starting to fade.

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Look, I don’t have all the answers in life. I’m just a boy, standing in front of a computer asking you to read my blog, which in my world equates to love. If I get that little “like” click or God forbid, (gasp), a comment, I suddenly turn into Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah’s couch. Yeah, how’d that work out for you Tom?

Back to Valentine’s Day. Scrolling through my blog feed yesterday I saw/read more Valentine’s Day angst than I’ve ever seen. Some were trying to identify the perfect Valentine’s Day, some wanted to promote the even keel approach to showing love every day, and others decried the whole holiday as a giant societal “F you” to anyone who doesn’t currently have a romantic partner.

My thought is this: Jeez, lighten up everybody. Valentine’s Day is not out to get you. It’s not out to tell you anything about your life. Do you get upset around Labor Day because other people work harder than you? Don’t be an idiot. Your perspective is like a telescope. You only see what you choose to aim it at.

Over the past several years most of American society has been completely nuts for The Walking Dead and Breaking Bad, both very romantic shows. Well guess what? I don’t care. I’m sure they’re great TV shows, but they’re not a big deal for me. If people want to enjoy those shows, great for them. It’s fun to have something in common to talk about with others, but I don’t think I’m an incomplete person because I don’t watch them and I don’t stress if I missed the season finale.

Valentine’s Day should be treated the same way. If you don’t like it, change the channel, focus on something else. I’ll let you in on a little secret.  I’ve noticed a pattern. Valentine’s Day happens every year on February 14th, then it goes away, and guess what? You’re still here and so is everyone else. You’d better keep your guard up though because St. Patrick’s Day is just around the corner and those happy Irish folks are also out to make you feel bad because you don’t have a shamrock tattooed on your ass. (I’m not saying I do or don’t. It might just be an example.)

Like I said, I don’t have all the answers. I have a blog and my perspective. You have your perspective too, and you can change it if you want. Have a great weekend and if you liked #ThePhilFactor show me a little love by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, reblog, or other share button below.

Picture Credits: themetapicture.com and o.canada.com

Throwback Thursday! The United States of Oprah

I hate to be a know it all. OK, no I don’t hate to be a know-it-all, but when you’re psychic, sometimes you know all sorts of things. I know most of you think I’m just kidding about being psychic, but when I keep getting stuff right, it’s hard to deny the truth.

Last Sunday at The Golden Globe Awards, when talk show host Oprah Winfrey accepted the Cecil B. de Mille award (yeah, Oprah Winfrey needs awards like we need more Weight Watcher commercials about fake taco parties at her house) she gave an impassioned speech about women fighting sexual harassment and abuse. Her speech was so impressive that people are talking about her being elected President in 2020. When asked if she’d thought about it, she acknowledged that she’s thinking about running.

This is where I come in, or rather where I came in in October of 2011 when I wrote this post in which I suggested that Oprah could become President of the United States. The following is that post in it’s entirety:

Scary, isn’t it?

(Oct. 11, 2011) Oprah has a new t.v. show starting next week. And it’s on every freaking night. Is it just me, or did everyone else think to themselves, “Oh my God! I thought we just got rid of her. What the hell else can she possibly have to say?”

Oprah Winfrey is arguably the most famous person in America. Oprah Winfrey could probably buy Switzerland and have enough money left over to order a pizza. If George W. Bush likes a book, it’s probably by Dr. Suess. If Oprah Winfrey likes a book it becomes a bestseller. (I sure hope she likes my blog) If you help Oprah lay off the carbs for a few weeks, you can get your own t.v. show and become a pop culture icon.

If Hollywood ever decides to update the ancient fable of King Midas as a movie they could just substitute Oprah’s life story. Why she doesn’t just ride to her public appearances in a Popemobile is beyond me. Was this paragraph redundant? Absolutely. Was it superfluous? I think not.

You get the point. Oprah is big, and not in the way she used to be. Her popularity has reached heights that few celebrities ever have known. Barack Obama can only dream of a public consensus like that. My question is, what’s stopping Oprah from running for the presidency? If the population is, as they say, 52% women, how could she be stopped? Scary thought huh? Then again, I might not be opposed to Oprah as President. Think about it…with her money she could bail out the U.S. economy without batting an eyelash. And can you imagine the State of the Union address when she says, “To help stimulate the economy…(dramatic pause)…everyone in the United States gets a new car! You get a car! You get a car! You get a car!” In fact, I hope Oprah does become President because that would mean we would probably see her on t.v. a lot less. (End of 2011 post)

That’s it. In 2011 I envisioned a world where Oprah becomes President. You can just call me Philstradamus from now on. Practice saying it. Phil-stra-daa-mus.  It will roll off the tongue after a few tries.

Have a great Thursday! I know you will 😉  ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! My Psychic Predictions for 2017

This is not me, but I’m considering the hairdo

(Jan. 1,2017) As I may have mentioned once or twice, my previous posts containing my psychic predictions for the upcoming years have been tremendously popular, and even more so when I get things right. So, back by popular demand, I will again contact the other realm with my minds eye to help provide you with a look ahead so you can plan your 2017 accordingly. Without further self-indulgent blathering, here are my psychic predictions for 2017:

The World Will Not End: This prediction often goes underrated, but I stand by it. A lot of psychics like to make headlines by predicting the end of the world. Not me. I want you to be reassured that next December you’ll be here reading my predictions for 2018. Ok, maybe not you, but some people will. Like I said, the world won’t end in 2017, but I can’t make any guarantees for you personally.

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People Will Lose Interest in The Kardashians: Yes, the unthinkable will happen and the world, (except for one surprising person) will forget the entire family. Even Kanye West will lose interest and he and Kim will split amidst rumors that she has already moved on. In the world of reality television the Kardashian’s ratings will drop as viewers flock to a new reality TV sensation, possibly a a show about a psychic blogger.

The United Kingdom Will Try to “Un-Brexit”: First of all, I can’t wait to see the hashtag #Un-Brexit trending. That’s part of the prediction. In May the U.K. will try to beg it’s way back into the European Union by promising free Strongbow cider to all of Europe. While that might sway me, Europe refuses to allow the U.K.’s return unless they adopt the metric system and the Euro.

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William and Kate will have twins: All of the U.K. and all the royal watchers in the States will completely lose their minds when Princess Kate Middleton gives birth to twins, one of which will be named Philip.

Kim Kardashian will fall for another: Shortly after her split with Kanye, Kim Kardashian will be caught with Prince Harry and again social media will again collectively lose their shit when the two become engaged to be married. The Queen will also pass away in 2017, and that may be related to this news.

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Sorry that I’ve been vibing on the upcoming U.K. news. Let my try to hone in on something more local for my readers in the States:

Donald Trump will…(yes, you had to know there would be a Trump prediction) not be impeached as many are predicting, but he will step down from the Presidency when he discovers that it’s a real job and not nearly as fun as he thought it was. His resignation will occur via a tweet that says: You guys are jerks. I’m out. Sad!

Celebrity Deaths in 2017: Actress Betty White, Marvel Comics icon Stan Lee, and Queen Elizabeth. There will be others, but I don’t want to bum you out about those that will be taken from us too soon.

Celebrity Births in 2017: Now this is a tricky one. I’m not predicting which celebs will have children in 2017. I’m predicting the births of future celebrities.  In Terra Haute, Indiana a boy will be born that will, in 2048, be the first human to set foot on the surface of Mars. A girl will be born in Dallas and in 2037 she will become the biggest pop star ever. Beginning in 2035 her life will be followed live every minute of every day, including sleeping, on a social media platform invented by a young app developer who was born in San Francisco in 2014 to a couple who are currently working for Google. On January 1st 2017, a boy will be born in northern Florida, a suburb near Jacksonville, I’m feeling the name Caleb, and with the assistance of legal, accepted technological enhancements, will become the first “athlete” to win MVP awards in both the NFL and the Premier League in soccer/football in 2038 and 2039 respectively.

Scorecard Dec. 28, 2017: OK, back to the present. I’m writing this now. Let’s look at how I did. Prediction 1: True. The Earth and you and I are still here. Prediction 2: Less interest in the Kardashian’s? Subjectively, there does seem to be far less Kardashian news than this time a year ago. Also, scroll back to the picture under the Kardashian prediction. It’s Kim with Prince Harry. He didn’t fall for Kim, but Prince Harry did fall for a diminutive, dark haired, American TV personality. You’ve got to admit, I was pretty damn close. Prediction 3. U.K. will try to Un-Brexit. There are still folks in the U.K. trying to undo this, so it still may happen. My prediction of #UnBrexit being a hashtag on Twitter did come true. You can CLICK THIS to see if you don’t believe me. Prediction 4. William and Kate did get pregnant. As to whether they have twins, we’ll just have to wait and see. Prediction 5. Donald Trump was not impeached, as I predicted, but he hasn’t resigned yet either, so I was only 50% right on this one, but maybe in 2018… Prediction 6. Celebrity Deaths? I was terrible at this one.

Well, that’s it. That’s what poured into my head from the future and again, I wasn’t perfect, but I was pretty good. Come back Saturday for my 2018 psychic predictions! ~Phil

 

Throwback Thursday! My Christmas Form Letter To You

It’s that time of year again! The time for the year in review Christmas form letter. It’s always touching when our relatives treat us like customers. Typically these form letters take one of two directions. The first and most typical is the ‘What a wonderful year we had!’

“Dear ____________, 2016 was a wonderful year for my family. I started a new job six figure job, and my wife was promoted to president of her company. The kids are doing well. Johnny aced the S.A.T., didn’t miss a question! He’s now been accepted into a Ph.D program at Harvard even though he’s only 14. Susie was named Miss Junior America and will be touring the country speaking out against make up companies testing lip gloss on kittens. The picture on the front of the card is the new Bentley we got after winning the lottery.

The best course of action the next time you see these relatives is a swift, stunning punch to the forehead that will cause them to spill nog all over their tacky sweater and leave a mark on their forehead. They deserve this because either they are lying about how fantastic their life is, or if their life is that great then the bruise on their forehead will remind them that life is tough and they shouldn’t get too cocky.

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The second kind of Christmas letter is my favorite. It’s the disaster letter. These are the people who make you feel so much better about yourself and your life.

“Hello everyone, it is with a heavy heart that we wish you Season’s Greetings. Sadly our twenty-seven year old cocker spaniel passed away last week. He was delicious.  In more upbeat news from our family it has been a year of triumphs! Little Johnny learned to poop indoors and that rash on Susie’s face cleared up. As soon as Obamacare kicks in we’ll get her lazy eye looked at. Home schooling is going well and they both are on track to graduate by the time they’re 21. We’re so proud! Once Trevor finds a job we’ll buy some train tickets and come visit! The best course of action with these relatives is to tell them you’re moving and you’ll forward them the address as soon as you get settled.

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I would just like to note that none of the pictures in this post are from my family. If I were to write a form Christmas letter to anyone reading this it might read:

Thank you to anyone who has read The Phil Factor even once. It’s been an amazing year for me thanks to all of you. Thank you to those who have read one of my books and those who clicked Like or shared my weekly Phil Factor as well as those that have helped by giving of their knowledge. Regardless of what religion or holiday you may or may not be celebrating this season, thank you for every little click you’ve directed at me in some way.

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As always, Happy Thursday, and if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please feel free to share by hitting the Facebook or Twitter share buttons below.

TBT! My Text Fight With Donald Trump

(12/17/16) Me and the Donald are going to have words. Well, maybe not words. Maybe just text abbreviations and emojis. In 2006, Congress passed the Warning, Alert, and Network Response act which allows every cell phone in the United States to get a text message warning of one of three types: A) Amber alerts when a child is missing and/or presumed kidnapped, B) Alerts involving imminent threats to safety or life. or C) Alerts issued by the President.

Yes, that’s right. The man who once tweeted:

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and also tweeted:

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Yes, that man will be able to text us all. The man is an artiste, is he not? He has a gift for language and I for one can’t wait to receive texts from him on a daily basis. Here’s how I imagine our first text conversation will go:

(As you read this imagine Donald Trumps voice)

From President Donald Trump: All Americans, there is an imminent danger that I am compelled to warn you about. Please disregard a little known blog called #ThePhilFactor. The content provided there about me is incorrect and Phil is a stupid jerk.

Phil: Hey Donald! What’s up? What’s your beef with me?

From President Donald J. Trump: Of course I knew you’d respond. Ur a self-serving attention whore who will do and say anything to get people to like u.

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Phil: Donald, umm…. did you listen to your campaign?

From President Donald J. Trump: Look, u and I both know I can’t deliver on any of the ridiculous things I said during the campaign, but the rest of those losers, the Ma & Pa Kettles of middle America are dumb as rocks. We’d be better off if I put a wall up around them. It would be easy. We could probably trap them all in the Walmart on a Saturday afternoon.

Phil: So now you want to keep the Americans out of America?

From President Donald Trump: Yes. Absolutely. Look what they’ve done to the country. If Americans and immigrants hadn’t ruined this country, we wouldn’t have to make it great again!

Phil: Isn’t your wife an immigrant? She’s from Slovenia right?

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From President Donald Trump: Oh u think ur so funny don’t you? U and Saturday Night Live think ur so funny when you mock me. Neither of u are funny or relevant any more.

Phil: Saturday Night Live? The American institution that’s been on TV since 1977 and has mocked every President since Gerald Ford? Not funny?

Alec Baldwin as Donald Trump

Alec Baldwin as Donald Trump

From President Donald Trump: Yes, all comedians who make a mockery of the political process should be banned.

Phil: Did you say comedians or Canadians?

From President Donald Trump: Both. Most comedians are Canadians and they’re both foreigners. We should ban them all from our great country of North America.

Phil: The country of North America?

From President Donald Trump: Yes. Part of making America great again is making it bigger. We should have all of America. North and South America should all be ours so we can be bigger than Russia & China.

Phil: You do realize that this is a group text to the whole country, right?

From President Donald Trump: Shut up Phil. Bloggers. Bloggers too. I’m going to put a wall around all of you. I have to go. Me and Putin have a couples massage at 1:00 😉

Tell me, does that conversation seem far fetched at all? Having the ability to text everyone at once is pretty cool though. I think it would also be great for my blog. I could text all of you to let you know when I post, and after you read you could text me your comments. So from today forward, please leave your cell number in the comments section so I can start compiling a group text for us.

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

Throwback Thursdays! P.T. Phone Home

(Nov. 8, 2014) Funny thing; I just discovered that my texting device has an app to make phone calls too. Isn’t modern technology great? What will they think of next?

You like to think that you’re immune to the stuff…oh yeah. It’s closer to the truth to say you can’t get enough. You’re gonna have to face it. You’re addicted to”  your phone?

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I got a new phone this week. I admit it, I’m a phone addict. The first step is admitting you’re powerless over your phone. I think as a society we’re addicted to our phones. For some it may be the constant contact with family and friends, for others it’s the constant access to information, some people never want to be out of touch with their job, and some just like goofy little games.

Cell phone addiction is a problem though. It distracts us from our jobs, our driving and our loved ones when they’re sitting right in front of us. So how do we cure our phone addiction? You get yourself a NoPhone!

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According to the campaign on Kickstarter, “Phone addiction is real. And it’s everywhere. It’s ruining your dates. It’s distracting you at concerts. It’s disrupting you in movie theaters. It’s clogging up sidewalks. Now, there is a real solution. With a thin, light and completely wireless design, the NoPhone acts as a surrogate to any smart mobile device, enabling you to always have a rectangle of smooth, cold plastic to clutch without forgoing any potential engagement with your direct environment. Never again experience the unsettling feeling of flesh on flesh when closing your hand.” The feeling of “flesh on flesh when closing your hand”? Isn’t that what you get when you hold hands with someone? Ugh (shudders) who wouldn’t want to avoid that?

I was going to come up with a list of other hilarious placebo products for a variety of addictions when I realized that it’s already been done. The NoPhone idea isn’t crazy, it’s brilliant! Think about it, for smokers there’s the e-cigarettes, for diabetics, technically not an addiction, there’s all kinds of sugar-free treats, for sex addicts there’s plenty of …ahem…devices and dolls. I don’t think alcoholics should have non-alcoholic beer, but hey, it’s out there too.  For the cleaning/germ-o-phobe addicts, send them to my house! Our society is full of placebos and surrogates for our vices. What’s that saying? Fake it till you make it! Here’s my million dollar idea; my Kickstarter campaign kicks off next week. Why not put a big, black box in someones living room to cure them of television addiction? With all the flat screen TV’s now, I think you could just paint a black rectangle on their wall.

In all honesty, this post was just an excuse for the E.T. picture at the top. If you haven’t yet, please vote for my book cover in the AllAuthor.com Cover of the Month Contest by clicking THIS LINK. The cover that’s in 1st place right now is laughably bad, and yet it got about 100 votes yesterday to move from 3rd to 1st. They can’t possibly have better blog friends than I do, can they? I didn’t think that was possible. You’d better go show them how wrong they are!

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

TBT! The Afterlife To-Do List

(01/17/16) Yesterday I wrote that it’s disconcerting to see so many people possibly more famous and probably wealthier than me, pass away and it has made me realize that it’s possible I may not be able to avoid death.  Don’t get me wrong, I still have no plans to die, but as I get older I like to hedge my bets a little. Hell, if Steve Jobs FitBit didn’t help him avoid death, what chance do I have? That’s right all you FitBit nuts, the Grim Reaper is coming for you no matter how many steps you take today.

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That’s my favorite Grim Reaper. He’s from a cartoon my kids watched. I thought he was particularly funny because he had a Jamaican accent. That’s the first item on my After-Life To Do List: If I’m going to allow myself to be escorted to the other realm it’s got to be him, that Jamaican Grim Reaper. It’s impossible to stay mad at anyone with a Jamaican accent. C’mon man. It will be alright. Let me show you around. Being dead ain’t no big ting… If it’s not him, I’m not going.

Prior to my death, and possibly as soon as this week, I’m going to choose my house to haunt. Who says that you have to haunt your own house? What’s to stop me from haunting the Big Brother house? There’s always people home, so I’d never be bored. I could participate by doing ghosty kind of stuff. How great would Big Brother be if the ten dolts were locked up in a haunted house for three months? And how about if the ghost gets to choose who leaves the house each week by making some mysterious sign, like a mark on a chalkboard or something? I’m totally going to pitch this idea to the producers. I’m putting it in my will just in case I don’t get the contract signed before I pass.

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List of people to haunt: I’m making this list and including in my will that invites be sent out to my funeral. Only the date of the funeral will have to be filled in.  I’m pre-signing the invites now  with the phrase “See YOU soon!” How creepy would it be to get one of those? Also, at my funeral I want every one there to stand up and read their favorite Phil Factor aloud.

Choose My After-Life Occupation: If I have eternity ahead of me, I don’t want to retire yet. Sitting around playing checkers with the old guys at McDonald’s in the afterlife sounds boring. In the after-life I’m going to be a real estate agent helping the recently deceased find the home of their dreams to haunt.

Me: This lovely colonial on a cul-de-sac has five of the living, four bedrooms and two and a half baths..

Recently Deceased: What about pets? I hate pets. Dogs always barking at me. Cats getting spooked when I’m trying to stand quietly in the corner watching TV. They can see us you know.

Me: So are pets a deal breaker for you?

Recently deceased: What about Jennifer Lopez? I’d love to haunt Jennifer Lopez.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Her house just went off the market last month. How about Justin Bieber?

Recently Deceased: Ugh. No thanks.

Phil found his time as a ghost comedian to be both odd and confusing.

Phil found his time as a ghost comedian to be both odd and confusing.

After-Life Hobbies: I never want to be all work and no play, so I’m going to be an amateur stand-up comedian in my spare time. Spare time? I’m dead. All my time is spare! See? I’m writing jokes for the after-life already. Man, I am gonna brighten that place up.

Blogging: Yup, I’m going to continue. I’ve been doing this blog for almost 11 years. Why should I let death stop me? I’ve pre-written an extra post a week for the last ten years and scheduled them to be released on a regular schedule after my transition to the after-life, Heck, I could be dead already and you wouldn’t know! Why else would I be writing about death?

So, as you can see, there’s lots to do in the after-life, and I don’t want to show up unprepared. What do you want to do after you die?

(This paragraph isn’t part of the throwback) Also, before you transition to the great beyond, would you mind clicking THIS LINK and voting for my Time To Lie book cover in the AllAuthor.com Cover of the Month contest? You click the link and hit vote. That’s it. No logging in, handing over your email or Facebook nonsense. If you’ve voted before, you can vote again each day. Thanks, I’d really appreciate your help.

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil