I’ve always gone to a gym or done some kind of exercise to keep in shape for nighttime crime-fighting on the rooftops of the city. I went to the gym the other day and encountered my worst nightmare. Last month, bored with my usual gym routine, I decided to try a CrossFit class. First I had to find the CrossFit class. It wasn’t in a gym. It was in the back of an old, dingy warehouse that looks like the kind of place terrorists plan things. It was filled with black and gray fitness equipment. There was loud heavy metal music and lots of grunting and sweating going on. (insert sex life joke here) The atmosphere said, “This is serious working out. You’re either going to die or be able to lift a Buick when you’re done.”
I got the first month of Cross Fit for only $35 through Groupon. When the first month was done I told the owner I’d sign up for two more months. He said, “That’s great Phil. Please hand over all the money in your 401K.” Thinking that this was too pricey I decided to shop for other options to vary my workout routine.
For the last five years I’ve gone to a basic, no frills gym because it’s near my house. This week I looked at other gyms and settled on a new gym. The gym where all the pretty people go. I walked in and there was a chorus of angels and a bright light shone down on me from above. It was the neon sign above the juice bar. I felt like I had walked into a shopping mall. Bright colors, shiny new equipment. Shiny new people. Shiny, happy people.
The gym had all the other stuff I usually do, plus some classes that seemed like they might approximate CrossFit. That’s where it got interesting and the nightmare scenario played out.
The first class I tried was called Bootcamp something. It was suitably challenging and by challenging I mean that I thought I might die by the end. Avoidance of dying is why I work out. I’m trying to make my heart strong enough that it will never stop beating. Yeah, I know that’s ridiculous, but have you got a better idea?
Apparently the key to being fit is incredibly loud music. At CrossFit there was heavy metal music. Here, at the pretty people gym, there was dance music blaring. I think after dark it turns into a night club. So the Bootcamp class was good. Then next I tried a “Body Works plus Abs” class. That’s when the nightmare started.
It was some kind of aerobics class. The psychotic instructor, Buffy, wore a wireless mic and every two minutes, between shouting peppy instructions at us, she would give a “Whoop! Whoop!” At first I thought she had Tourette’s, but then each time she did it one or two people in the class would whoop back to her.
Picture credit: dailymail.co.uk
The nightmare was my attempt to get in rhythm with 15 other people who seemed to be doing the moves in time to the music. I’m not good with rhythm. It’s not my thing. Each time Buffy would start a new move I’d watch her, concentrating, trying to pick up steps of the move and the beat of the song and then jump into motion. I was terrible at it. Terrible to the point that the class held me down on the floor and put a stick in my mouth so I didn’t bite off my tongue during what they thought was a seizure. It wasn’t. I was just that bad. I’m lucky they didn’t send me to a psych ward for being a danger to myself or others. I was the equivalent of someone who doesn’t know how to swim being thrown into the ocean. I just flailed about and waited for the end.
This is a classic interview from 2013 that was very popular, and I think this book is still perfect for so many reasons.
“Hi Jodyne and welcome to The Phil Factor. Thank you for taking a few minutes to answer some questions for my readers about your book Dump ’em: How to Break Up with Anyone from Your Best Friend to Your Hairdresser.”
Jodyne: My pleasure and might I just say what a lovely first name you have. I’m lucky enough to have two dads and both of them are named Philip, although one of them goes by his middle name, Donald.
TPF: Well, thank you. Although I can’t take credit for picking my name I have become rather fond of it. So, what was the impetus for your decision to write Dump ‘em?
Jodyne: Like most people, I was terrible at ending any kind of relationship: cleaning ladies, dentists, hairdressers, friends, etc. I avoided those people I was too scared to dump like the plague. Unfortunately as the toll of people I was avoiding went up, so did my chances of running into them when least expected; like the checkout lane at CVS, the movies or my favorite restaurant. I was once cornered in Barney’s in New York City and forced to explain why I didn’t go back to see a former hairdresser that I really cared about, who just stopped cutting my hair evenly. It was awful running into her because at that point I had avoided her calls for a few months and here I was standing in front of her with a new hair cut. I didn’t want to lie, but my first reaction was to make up excuses and I just felt awful. She didn’t deserve that. She deserved the truth. I left that day with the clear intention of not wanting to be that person anymore, too scared to nip something in the bud when it came up. So I figured I would go to Borders (R.I.P) bookstore and find a book that would teach me how to politely dump people. When I discovered there was no such book, I decided it was time to teach myself, so I started gathering information and interviewing different people, both professional and personal. The more people I talked to, the more I got the consistent feedback that I should write a book. When enough people tell you that you should do something, you listen.
TPF: Was your intent for the book to be a therapeutic book that’s funny or funny book that turned out to have some therapeutic value?
Jodyne: Good question. I wanted the book to be both. I think everyone of us has struggled at some point with having to dump someone, and many of those stories are funny. Some not so funny, but at the very least relatable, so my intent was to share my personal stories, but at the end of the day make sure to include practical tips and tools so my reader would know how to do it in their own life. I genuinely wanted to share what I learned because I knew there were a lot of people out there in the world, like me who were looking for a kind and respectful way to end relationships.
TPF: Dump ‘em isn’t just about ending romantic relationships but relationships with anyone from your …ahem…manicurist/waxer to a neighbor to friends. In your personal life, whom have you found is most difficult for you to dump and why?
Jodyne: Personally, I find friendships the most difficult to end, because unlike romantic relationships which we enter into knowing there’s a good chance things won’t work out, with friends we go into it thinking they’ll be there for the long run. But like any relationship, sometimes they run their course. The problem is that sometimes only one person feels that the friendship has run its course. I’ve had friendships where the other person expects more from me than I am able to give, and not every friend understands that. When I was younger I had a number of toxic friendships; people that spoke disrespectfully towards me or who drained me emotionally and physically. I tried unsuccessfully in the past to to dump a lot of them, but most of them had such strong personalities that they wouldn’t let me! After researching and writingDump ‘Em I learned how to dump those toxic relationships. I learned that not every break up has to be done in person, that sometimes the best way to end a relationship is write a solidly constructed letter.
TPF: You interviewed quite a list of luminaries for this book including Kato Kaelin, your sister Sarah Silverman, trainer Bob Harper of The Biggest Loser, Adam Corolla, and several professional experts. Of all those people, who surprised you and what did they say that you weren’t expecting?
Jodyne: Kato Kaelin surprised me the most. I knew I wanted to write a chapter about how to dump a houseguest since I used to live in New York City and I had never before had I been as popular as when I had my apartment in Soho. I had people I hadn’t seen since 2nd grade show up at my door hoping for a place to crash. Oddly since moving to Los Angeles, I haven’t had that problem, but I knew as soon as I decided to write the chapter on how to ask a houseguest to leave that I wanted to interview Kato and by sheer luck I happened to know someone who had his email address. I fully expected it to be the wrong email or just not hear back from him, but he ended up writing me back right away. I met him a few days later at the National Lampoon office on the Sunset Strip in Los Angeles where he worked. Not only was he incredibly charming and charismatic, he was funny and smart. And the best part was that he actually had great advice about dumping a houseguest.
TPF: Your columns in The Huffington Post have been about relationships, or rather the end of relationships. Between those and your book, one might think that you’re a pessimist about relationships. Is that the case?
Jodyne: Actually, quite the opposite, but I can see how one could think that. I come from a broken home, so I saw first hand how relationships can fail without kindness. Observing my parents I thought all relationships ended either by fighting or by avoiding each other, so that’s what I did for many years. However I craved a different type of closure, I just didn’t know how to do it. My writing has always been personal and I think my path ultimately led me to write Dump ‘Em because I learned what was missing for me, that voice that stands up for myself in a kind and respectful way. I am in no way trying to say that dumping people is easy, but my book advocates that there is a way of doing it where everyone gets closure and that for me is a hugely important part in ending any relationship.
TPF: Did you catch any flack from former friends, hairdressers, trainers or others who may have recognized themselves as examples in your book?
Jodyne: Funnily enough I didn’t. I actually went on Rachael Ray to apologize to my old hairdresser who reached out to me numerous times to see if I was okay after not hearing from me for some time. It didn’t help that I kept hitting delete on my answering machine. In all fairness she did give me a mullet before I graduated from college. But still, I knew this woman and saw her outside of the salon and she deserved to know that I was going in a different direction with my hair and not to expect me back. See that’s the thing, I think sometimes we build up saying good-bye to a relationship as the most difficult thing ever, when the truth is it can be very simple, it’s comes down to how we say it, and I advocate for less is more. Don’t go into long lists of excuses as to why you are leaving the relationship, keep it short and sweet with a potential opening for a return, because sometimes when we leave a relationship, we realize that we want to return and so leaving the door open is a great way of knowing you can return if things don’t work out.
TPF: Did you ever speak to or hear from your former assistant French Fry?
Jodyne: Sadly, no.
TPF: I’m sorry to hear that. Your story about that particular relationship was heartbreaking.
Jodyne: Ugh. I know! That one in particular got me where it hurts because he did absolutely nothing wrong. whereas with other relationships we have a way of justifying our actions by thinking that person was an ass anyway. but French Fry was salt of the earth.
TPF: Well, who knows, maybe French Fry reads The Phil Factor and will see this and understand. It’s been a couple years since Dump ‘Em came out. Are there plans for another book of any kind?
Jodyne: I’ve been talking to people about turning the book into a television show, which would be a lot of fun. I also just finished a screenplay for a production company in Los Angeles based on an article I wrote for the Huffington Post. I’ve got a few other things up my sleeve, but you’ll have to follow me on Twitter to find out!
TPF: I think a show based on the book is a great idea! I’ll follow you on Twitter and look for Dump ‘Em in next seasons Fall line up.Jodyne, thank you for visiting #ThePhilFactor and thank you for your time. I’m glad you didn’t decide to dump me when I e-mailed to ask for this interview. For those of you that would like to read more you can find Jodyne’s book in both hard copy and e-book in bookstores and on Amazon, Barnes & Noble and all the other online retailers. You can also follow Jodyne on Facebook and Twitter. As always, if you enjoy what you read here please share it with your friends by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or other share buttons below.
This is my favorite video that I’ve ever included in a Phil Factor post. With about 2 million views in its first week in August of 2013, you just have to watch the video below before reading the rest of the interview.
Last weeks Georgia Tech freshman convocation speech has people wondering if “If you want to play theme music during your convocation speech like a bad ass, we’re at Georgia Tech! We can do that. I am doing that!” by Nick Selby is destined to join that illustrious list? Only time will tell. If you’ve read this far and haven’t watched the video, please go back and watch this kids speech. After I saw that I knew he was destined to be a guest on The Phil Factor.
TPF: Hi Nick, and welcome to The Phil Factor. Typically when I feature an interview here it’s an author or other writing industry professional, but when I saw your video I knew I had to make an exception. I found your video both hilariously awesome and inspiring. For my readers, Nick is more than just a great public speaker. Nick is a sophomore Mechanical Engineering major at Georgia Tech. He co-leads the Mechanical Sub team in Solar Jackets, which is Georgia Tech’s team that built and raced a solar-powered car in the Formula Sun Grand Prix. Nick is also a president’s scholar, representing the top 2% of enrolled students at the university. Needless to say, after the afterglow of The Best Speech Ever wears off Nick should be just fine.
TPF: Nick, how and why were you chosen to give the convocation speech?
Nick: I applied in May by submitting a written abstract online along with several other students. Mine and a few others were selected to also submit audition tapes of the full speech. I did so, and was chosen as the speaker.
TPF: How did you come up with the idea to use the music from 2001: A Space Odyssey?
Nick: Back in my hometown in Phoenix, I learned how to public speak with Desert Vista High School’s speech and debate team. One of my coaches there, Andy Stone, had performed a speech in college about sci-fi literature that used the idea of the finale theme music. When I saw that speech, I thought it was the most amazing thing ever, so I asked him for his permission to use the idea in my own conclusion. He very graciously agreed, and everyone loved it.
TPF: Do you have a background in drama or theater?
Nick: I competed with my high school’s Speech and Debate team.
TPF: How has your daily life on campus changed since your speech?
Nick: A few people have stopped me to ask for pictures or to compliment the speech. I’m really honored that people have enjoyed it this much.
TPF: If you were offered your own sit-com would you drop out of college to pursue that?
Nick: Haha! No; engineering is my passion. I love speaking, and there are plenty of opportunities within this amazing field to utilize good public speaking skills.
TPF: Has there been any negative reactions or consequences related to your speech? (aside from dopes like me taking up your time with interviews)
Nick: There were a few news organizations who pursued the story that I had plagiarized the speech from my coach. To be honest, I’m a little disappointed—a simple phone call or checking of my Facebook could have cleared that up quickly. That being said, those accusations started because my coach is a really amazing man with a lot of friends who really care about him. How were they supposed to know that I had asked for his permission beforehand?
TPF: If you could really do something outlandishly awesome with the technology you’re learning in pursuit of your degree, what would it be? The Iron Man suit or something else?
Nick: I understand that the science behind the Iron Man suit hasn’t quite caught up to the artistic vision, but science has a way of progressing society quicker than we might expect. Right now, I’m focusing on using the technology we’re learning to build a solar-powered race car with Solar Jackets and put a satellite in space with the PROX-1 research team.
TPF: What is your ultimate, long term career goal?
Nick: I want my inventions to continue helping people long after I’m gone. While I don’t know what path I will end up in right now, my dream job is to work for a program like SpaceX or another company that pursues the impossible.
Nick, thank you again for visiting #ThePhilFactor. I appreciate you taking a few minutes for my questions during what must be one of the busiest weeks of your life. For my readers, as always, if you like what you read here please hit the Facebook, Twitter or other share buttons below.
Nick: You’re welcome. I’m honored to be here!
Not only is he smart and charismatic, he was obviously patient to put up with me. I’m sure he’s out there somewhere changing the world.
It’s that time of year again! Time for many of us to join a gym for three weeks. This is a classic post from 2013 that is always appropriate this time of year. Just like that Mitch Albom book The Five People You Meet in Heaven, there are also five kinds of people you’ll meet at the gym, and I promise you they are not heavenly.
Was your New Years Resolution to get in better shape? Did you sign up for a gym? You may not know it by looking at me, but I belong to a gym. I think there was a law passed stating that the more popular a gym is, the louder the music has to be. If you were to notice only the music and people on cell phones you’d think you were out at a club. I’ll be damned if I can find someone to give my a beer though. That’s why I fill my water bottle with beer before I go.
There are several categories of people that go to a gym. I think that the smallest number belong to the group of normal people who go to the gym a few times a week just to stay in decent shape. That’s the group I’m in. There are several other types. Which one do you fit in to?
1. “Three-weekers.” You may be one of these and don’t know it yet. I call them this because they probably won’t use their membership for more than three weeks. One way to spot the three weekers is that you’ll see them sort of drifting around the gym watching people use equipment as if they are watching animals at the zoo. They do this to try to figure out which pieces of equipment they might be capable of using without becoming a danger to themselves or others.
2. Locker Room Nudists. Who doesn’t hate these people? These are the people who are obviously way too comfortable with their bodies, and in general they’re usually the people who shouldn’t be. For God’s sake, put on a towel when you walk from the shower back to your locker! And do not, under any circumstances, talk to ME while you are naked. We’re not that intimate!
3. “Women” at the gym. Some of them scare me. When women start doing things like wearing weight belts and bench pressing, doing pull-ups, and curls, I get a little scared about getting too close. I want no part of a pre-menstrual woman who has more muscle mass than me. That is not a safe combination.
4.“The Bicep Bunch.” Just imagine the theme song, “The Bicep Bunch, the Bicep Bunch, that’s the way we became the Bicep Bunch!” There would be the t.v. screen full of the little picture squares, except instead of looking at each other and smiling they would all be looking at their flexing biceps and smiling. In that scenario I would be Alice. The Bicep Bunch has a uniform too. It consists of work boots, denim jeans and a black muscle shirt. They literally walk around the gym in groups of several guys in this identical outfit. I call them the Bicep Bunch because they’re only interested in working out their upper body in hopes of impressing women. Not that impressing women is a bad goal. For most of these guys though, their bodies are disproportionate. They spend so much time on their upper body and none on their lower body that they just have little stick-like legs. I imagine in a fight they’d be pretty easy to take out if you just “sweep the leg Daniel” they’d fall on their back and like a turtle be stuck that way with their little legs flailing helplessly in the air until the rest of the Bicep Bunch flipped them over.
5. Cell Phone People. I have no freakin’ idea how they can even hear anyone on their ear buds over the din of the music. The only exercise these people are getting is exercising their mouths. I’m sure they can’t do real exercise because they’re so winded from talking. It’s always a temptation to drop a big weight on these dopes. Not that I’m carrying big weights, but maybe I could persuade one of the Bicep Bunch to do it for me because after taking out their leader Karate Kid style I am now their king.
If you enjoy what you read please hit the Facebook Like or Share button. If you enjoy my nonsense and want to get a regular reading workout you can order my humorous, books for Kindle, Nook, or iPad, iPod or iPhone. Have a great Thursday! ~Phil
(Jauary 31, 2015) I’m not saying that The Phil Factor is The Official Blog of The#SuperBowl, and I’m not saying it’s not. What I am saying is that I want to get a cease and desist letter from the National Football League’s lawyers.
For those of you not from the States, or from the U.S. but you just don’t care, this weekend is the championship game of the National Football League, otherwise known as the #SuperBowl. I’m hashtagging those words, linking to their site, and making a point of using the phrase ‘Super Bowl’ because the NFL literally tries to sue anyone who uses the phrase “Super Bowl” without paying them millions of dollars to do so. (I’m putting the words Super Bowl in bold print on the off chance that they’ll be more noticeable when someone from the NFL is looking at the internet.) Some networks even prohibit their announcers from saying Super Bowl out of fear of being sued by the NFL. Comedian Steven Colbert has taken to calling it the Superb Owl.
I call bullshit. I don’t care who you are or what entity you’ve created, no one gets to own words. When I’m elected President, or #SuperBowl MVP (Most Valuable Phil), whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law stating “No people or corporations can own words.” It’s a stupid idea that someone can own the rights to the words #SuperBowl. I’m pretty sure that the words super and bowl were around long before American football. In fact, on Downton Abbey last week Mr. Carson was bringing soup to the Earl and Countess in this big, ornate dish and the Earl said, “Why Mr. Carson! That is the most super bowl I have ever laid my eyes upon!” Downton Abbey happened a hundred years ago, so there’s your proof that someone else used the phrase first.
What if I really do own a super bowl? You know, one of those cool ones with a picture at the bottom that you can’t see until you’ve eaten every drop. That is truly a super bowl. Or what about the people who invented the Perfect Bacon Bowl? That has got to be the superest of bowls. If there were a vote I’m pretty sure that the Bacon Bowl beats out football as the best kind of bowl. I’m also pretty sure that the Bacon Bowl people aren’t going to sue me for mentioning their product. In fact, they might even send me a free Bacon Bowl maker for mentioning it (hint, hint). Click on the video below. The song is a hilariously awesome and may sound more than a little like Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody.
I’m also sure that the folks in the legal marijuana states of Washington and Colorado think their bowls are pretty Super too. Is the NFL going to sue anyone there who says to their smoking buddy “Man, this is one super bowl“?
I’m not afraid to say any word I want. And by the way National Football League, what in the hell makes you so arrogant to think that you have to police the world to make sure no one uses your phrase? I would like to hereby announce that I am legally forbidding anyone from referring to themselves as the official anything of #ThePhilFactor unless I declare it. There you go National Football League. I dare you to declare your #SuperBowl is The Official Super Bowl of The Phil Factor. You know what though? I’m not going to sue you if you do. They’re only words. If you think my blog is so awesome that you want to affiliate yourself with it, great, but it’s going to cost you. In fact, nevermind. The title is already taken. I’m officially declaring that the Perfect Bacon Bowl is The Official Super Bowl of The Phil Factor. And if the Perfect Bacon Bowl people wanted to buy advertising space in my sidebar I’m not opposed to that.
As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor, which is the #SuperBowl of blogs, please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. Have a great #SuperBowl weekend! ~Phil
This isn’t really a throwback because it’s timely and relevant every year and I intend to keep posting it until all the demented parents stop waging psychological warfare on their young children.
(12/22/2012) Most of you are familiar with the Elf on the Shelf right? In the Elf on the Shelf tradition these poorly dressed little plastic elves are mischievous minions of the red suited overlord who spy on the every move of children and report back to their tyrannical leader. That allegedly quaint little elf doll was invented about 15 years ago as a new, and for some toy making company, moneymaking tradition. Fortunately for my kids I wasn’t aware of The Elf on the Shelf when they were young enough to believe in it.
Parents put these little Elves on a shelf and the children are told that the Elf cannot be touched or it will lose it’s Christmas magic. The elf allegedly flies back to the North Pole to report to Santa every night. Man kids are gullible! In the immortal words of Bugs Bunny, “What a bunch of maroons!” The nightly flight is how parents explain that the Elf is in a different spot when the kids wake up each morning.
Of course this crazy little ruse makes kids behave in the weeks leading up to Christmas! They’re terrified! Are you kidding me? Even now if you told me a Chuckie doll was going to sit on my shelf and stare at me while I slept, or that it might be moving around my house at night? I would never go to sleep again. The kids have got to be too terrified or too tired to misbehave. No wonder they have a weeks vacation from school after Christmas. They probably spend that week sleeping for the first time in a month.
onemomsworld.wordpress.com
I have a friend who says that after her kids are asleep she will pose the Elf somewhere to make it appear as if the Elf had gotten into mischief overnight, such as putting him next to a tipped over jar of something, or maybe on a desk next to some torn up papers. So her kids wake up imagining that this creepy little doll with the frozen scary clown smile is moving about the house in the dark destroying things. How much longer before someone imagines the doll picking up a knife? What if in some home where they’re torturing their kids with the Elf on the Shelf, just by coincidence, their elderly dog or cat were to pass away during the night? What do you suppose those kids are going to think for the rest of their lives?
This tradition sounds like psychological warfare against children. How long before we see kids who have grown up with this tradition seeking counseling for PTED, Post-Traumatic Elf Disorder?
dannyoulittlerock.com
Happy Holidays to you and your families. If you really want something mysterious and far less traumatic to just appear somewhere this holiday season you could give my book, Time To Lie, available in paperback, e-book, and Audible. Give the gift of reading this holiday season and have a great Thursday! ~Phil
(09/27/14) If you’re a guy, reading this may save your life. Ladies, you should read this because you’ll thoroughly enjoy the perspective.
Guys, we’re in trouble. Throughout history men have been the dominant gender because of our advantage in size and muscle mass. I think that may be changing. In my never-ending quest to live forever I’m continually trying to stay in shape. Recently I joined a new gym. I tried a couple classes that approximate Cross Fit. Do you know who’s in these classes? Women. Every class, no matter how physically challenging, is about 80% women. Typically you think of fitness classes at a gym and you think of women in fluorescent spandex jumping around to peppy music like this:
That may have been true twenty years ago. The women in classes at gyms now aren’t “normal” women though. They’re some sort of super-breed of women. You know who’s going to survive the Zombie apocalypse? Female fitness instructors and their followers. Guys, we can do curls and chest presses all we want, but I’m telling you, the women in these classes can kick our asses. These women are doing chin-ups and juggling medicine balls in time to music while standing on one foot. If the women at gyms across the country decided to band together and take over the country there would be nothing we could do about it. We can’t even out-run them.
Some of you more crass and low-brow type of guys might be thinking, “But Phil, isn’t it awesome being in a class full of fit women in yoga pants?” No. No it’s not. It’s awful. Imagine yourself in a room with walls that are completely mirrors. Imagine everyone in the room moving fluidly and smoothly around you. Now imagine yourself flopping around on the floor, gasping for breath like a fish that’s been tossed on the deck of a boat. And you can see yourself in the mirrored wall. And everyone else can see you in the mirrored wall. It feels like that dream where you find yourself in public in your underwear and there’s nowhere to hide.
That picture above is how I feel after every class. Like I said, I’m not looking around at any one else. I’m just trying to survive. Guys, the reason we should be worried is 1) I’m convinced all the women are more physically fit than us. (You know, fantasy football isn’t exercise) and 2) About 20 minutes after the class ends and I can breathe normally, I feel like kicking the crap out of somebody for the rest of the day. I don’t care how attractive they are; I want no part of a pre-menstrual woman with more muscle mass than me. What if more and more women do these classes? And what if at one of the classes they realize that they don’t need us to open their jars anymore?
You know what? Screw the Marines, Special Forces and Navy Seals. If President Obama and the rest of the civilized world want to obliterate ISIS once and for all, they just need an army of fitness instructors and their followers. That would be the real definition of terror. Guys, for the good of all of us and for the survival of the male species I’ll continue to attend these classes in the hope of at least gathering intel so we know when the women plan to take over. Wish me luck.
As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor or just hope to survive the Aerobics Apocalypse, feel free to share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog buttons below. ~Phil
(Sept. 10, 2016) We’ve all been in this conversation:
Other Human: Boy it sure is hot today!
Me: Yeah, but I’ll take this over winter any day.
Other Human: Not me! I love all four seasons! The fall colors are beautiful, and there’s nothing better than curling up in front of the fire on a cold winter night. And the Spring! All the flowers are beautiful!
Me: (imagining myself punching Other Human in the face) What are you, fecking Snow White? The other seasons suck. You’re dead to me.
I’m not sure, but I imagine Snow White as the ultimate optimist. Her step-mother tried to kill her and she just went and lived with dwarfs until a Prince came along. And she sang and whistled happy tunes while doing housework! She probably loved all four seasons. I’ve never once sang and whistled while shoveling three feet of snow from my driveway.
“Oh the Fall is so beautiful. I love the colors!” Yeah, well you know what? The colors on my 50 inch HD TV are gorgeous and I don’t have to go outside and pick the colors up off my yard for two months while inhaling mold and allergens. That’s ok though, you go ahead and frolic in leaf piles.
My problem is that I’ve lived in the northeastern part of the United States for my entire life. The first half of my life was my parents fault. But since I was liberated from their tyrannical control, it’s all on me that I still live here. I’ve grown sick and tired of damp, cool, Falls, cold, snowy winters, and Springs that are like living in England. (Yeah, sorry England, I hate to break it to you, but your weather is not great.)
I’m all about being an optimist and understanding others perspectives, but in February of 2015 the average temperature for the entire month in my hometown was 12 degrees. And not toasty warm 12 degrees celsius, whatever that is. It was 12 degrees Fahrenheit which is the manly American way of measuring temperature. We had over 100 inches (254 centimeters) of snow for the entire winter. Snow that had to be removed from driveways and roads. Yeah, you “I love all four seasons” people, how much fun was that season?
That picture above this is me every Spring until about June. Yes, I know that rain is good for nature and all, but seriously, how can you “I love the four seasons” people actually love Spring? Who enjoys going around being damp all the time?
Admit it, none of you really love all the seasons. You know who says that? Idiots and people who live somewhere that doesn’t really have all four seasons. So as summer turns into Fall, consider yourselves warned that if you engage in a weather related conversation with me, it’s not going to end well.
This was originally from March 2013 when nobody was reading me. This post is relevant because 107 year old Jeopardy host Alex Trebek announced this week that he would retire in 2020. I’ll believe it when I see it Alex. You’ve teased me like this before. Also, read down to the last paragraph to see who was Alex’s supposed replacement in 2013. Very interesting….
Don’t know what I was thinkin’ of I guess I just wasn’t too bright Well, I sure hope I do better Next weekend on The Price Is Right, -ight, -ight I lost on Jeopardy, baby (oooh) ~ Weird Al Yankovic
The answer is Phil Taylor for $500. After all these years my dream job is finally available! Rumor is that if Alex Trebek lives long enough to complete the 2014-2015 season he will finally retire. From blogger to Jeopardy host! My ascension to the throne is near. Admit it; if you’re being perfectly honest with yourself, once Alex shaved off his porn mustache he completely lost his game show host mojo. That is not a mistake I will make. I am in fact working on a handlebar mustache as we speak.
What is jumping to conclusions Alex? Not so fast my little pretty. I’m not going to be happy just hosting Jeopardy! I’m going to revamp and revitalize that tired old game show to return it to its rightful place as an American institution as respected as the Presidency itself. How am I going to do that you ask? Please state your answer in the form of a question. What is, introducing new categories Alex? For a while Jeopardy was fun, but eventually the common man (me) got tired of Alex and all the smug little contestants and their snooty little answers to Potent Potables and Potpourri.
Categories I would introduce would include Beer Pong Rules, Lindsay Lohan arrests, and Crazy Celebrity Quotes. Oddly, the correct answer to every question in all three categories is “Who is Alec Baldwin?”. The Visual Daily Double will be Name that Roadkill. Which brings me to the next change I would make to the show.
Enough with the “I’m sorry; the answer must be in the form of a question.” If it’s in the form of a question, it’s not an answer, it’s a question! That idea had to be some weird Canadian voodoo Alex brought across the border from our neighbors to the North. On Phil Taylor’s Jeopardy! if you get an answer right I don’t care how you say it, as long as you don’t say it in Canadian. I can’t believe Alex Trebek didn’t get punched in the face more often over this rule.
On Phil Taylor’s Jeopardy! there will also be no more High School Week or College Week either. All of us grown adults who have navigated the universe successfully enough to get where we are do not need any snot nosed little punks acting all superior because they know a word that rhymes with orange.
Right now the talk is that Matt Lauer has the inside track on the job. Puh-leeze! His popularity is receding faster than his hairline. If you’d like to support my bid for Jeopardy! host, after Alex retires or is the victim of an unfortunate accident, you can follow me on Facebook or try my humorous murder mystery novel, White Picket Prisons, available for just $2.99 on Amazon, Barnes & Noble and iTunes. I also want to say a quick welcome to all those who came to The Phil Factor from Candy’s Raves after reading my guest post this week.
(july 26, 2014) Wow. That is one pretty girl next to wheelchair-bound Justin Bieber! Turns out it is a Bieber world after all and we’re just living in it. If you just got a panicked feeling and shouted “What? Justin’s in a wheelchair?” then you must be a Belieber. And why wouldn’t you be?
The Biebs again proved how awesome he is by using Disneyland’s policy of allowing those in wheelchairs to go to the front of the line of rides and attractions. He claims he “tweaked” his knee playing basketball. So in spite of his great pain and suffering, the benevolent Bieber allowed his handlers to wheel him past families and children in hours-long lines so they could get a good look at their hero. Seriously, how many celebrities take the time to do that for their fans. I was so impressed that I decided to write a song about him.
When Bieber Jumped the Queues (sing to the tune of Janis Joplin’s Me and Bobby McGee click link for video
Busted flat in Disneyland, waiting for a train And I’m feeling jaded and mean. Bieber thumbed a wheelchair down just before it rained, And rode it all the way to the front of the lane.I pulled my hair from my head and said “That took no time!”, I was fuming soft while Bieber jumped the queues. Biebers handlers slapping fans, I was holding Bieber’s picture in mine,
We sang every song that Bieber knew. Bieber’s just another nerd turned into a kid who drinks the booze, Nothing he does, nothing’s funny if it ain’t Bieber, now now. And feeling good was easy, when Bieber jumped the queues, You know feeling good was good enough for me, Good enough for me and my Bieber, baby.
From the Canadian sticks to the California sun, Hey, Bieber shared the secrets of my soul. Through all kinds of weather, through everything that we done, Hey Bieber baby kept me from acting old.
Ok, that was awful, but the main reason for this whole post was just to put that picture there. If you’re not from the States and don’t know the song, I apologize. The phrase ‘Me and Bieber McGee’ has been stuck in my head since Thursday. What I really need is my friend Marissa Bergen, who is both brilliantly poetic and musical to take the idea and make a music video like she did with a parody of Radiohead’s Creep. Have a great Thursday! Please don’t share this. It’s just terrible. ~Phil
Self-proclaimed grand poobah of leisure and author of humorous suspense novels The Sneaker Tree & White Picket Prisons, the humor essay book Fifty Shades of Phil and the long running blog The Phil Factor.
thephilfactor.com
Picture credit: http://www.lolpix.com
Picture credit: dailymail.co.uk
