GPS= Giant Pain in my A$$


For my job I do quite a bit of driving, so I have a GPS for my car. We’ve all seen the commercials where the guy professes his love for his GPS before regaining his senses, realizing that it is just a mechanical device. That won’t be my problem. I often do talk to my GPS as it’s talking to me, but we’re usually arguing. On a previous model I even switched the voice to that of a British woman, hoping that the accent would make it seem like much less of a nag. It doesn’t. Here are a few sample conversations between me and my GPS:

GPS: In two tenths of a mile turn right………….in one tenth of a mile turn right

Phil: I know! I can see it!

GPS:….in 200 feet turn right….

Phil: I know, I’m turning right!

GPS: Turn right

Phil: Shut up! I’m already turning. Leave me alone!

Or another example is when we disagree on directions. For instance yesterday I asked it directions to a specific restaurant and it wanted me to get on a toll road for something like a quarter mile.

GPS: Take ramp on left in 200 feet.

Phil: No. I’m not going to pay a toll just to go a half mile.

GPS: Take ramp on left

Phil: No. I’m not going to. I can see the restaurant from here.

GPS: As soon as possible make a U-turn.

Phil: No, I’m not going to go on the ramp. SHUT UP! I can see the restaurant.

GPS: Recalculating. Travel two tenths of a mile to destination on right.

Phil: See? I told you!

My relationship with my GPS has become so marital-like that just yesterday I took pleasure in sarcastically correcting it’s pronunciation of a street name.

Perhaps my terse demeanor is why my GPS sometimes gives me wrong directions and possibly tries to get me killed. It often has no regard for my safety when it directs me through crime infested, gang run neighborhoods, or down streets that are closed for construction. I think it’s out to get me. At some point I imagine myself pulling the thing off the dash and flinging it out onto the highway as I’m traveling at a very high rate of speed, laughing maniacally as it tumbles to it’s tiny electronic death still babbling at me. “Turn left in…oof…make a U-turn..oww….why Phil, why?”

If I’m ever stranded on a desert island I’m sure as hell not taking my GPS with me to keep me company. To quote the great philosopher, me, technology is the opiate of the asses.


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15 responses to “GPS= Giant Pain in my A$$

  1. I’m with you on this Phil! We arrived in the states, put in the address of our home for the next three weeks and we were directed to a parking lot. I think it’s fair to say that was not my idea of cosy villa with a pool lol. It has been kind to us so far but it can be very confusing telling you to take a ramp on the right but not the one your coming up to!! Happy holidays 🙂

  2. LOL glad to hear you call your GPS a nag too. The other day I asked my husband (we were lost ….. again) why he wasn’t using the GPS – his answer – she nags too much and drives me crazy 🙂

  3. Your writing is very funny! Had to finally go back to mapquest after trying a GPS. I don’t need any other woman nagging my husband in the car but me!

  4. For the most part, I find Maggie very helpful, but I’m pretty sure the GPS people are in league with the freeway and toll road people. No matter where I’m headed, it will get me on the freeway no matter what, and I am struck with primordial fear when I see a sign for an upcoming toll road. I know she wants me on there. Often, I have a basic idea where something is, but need exact directions for which street to turn down, etc. And it directs me WAY out of the way just to get the freeway on ramp. Then we start to argue. “I don’t need the I-15, I know this is right down the street, I’m not taking it…” “When possible, make a legal U-turn.” “I’m not going an extra 6 miles to the freeway on ramp when I know the house is right over here…” “Cancel trip? (since you are going the wrong way anyway, you moron)”

    • On your GPS hit settings then route options. You can then set it to avoid toll roads.

      • I do that, but the trouble is I have to do it for every trip (I don’t know why, but it doesn’t save the setting) and I usually forget to do it and am well on my way by the time I remember. Then am fighting with it going down the road!

      • BUT at least I am not living in NY state anymore, which I swear is the home of toll roads.

      • LOL, it’s funny you said that. I live in upstate NY.

      • Wow, really? No wonder you know about toll roads. What part? I was born in Rochester and raised in Medina. My novels are set in a fictionalized Medina.

      • How funny! I live in Rochester and I’m in Medina all the time because I have a cottage up on the lake. I was just in Medina today! Small world huh?

      • I cannot believe that!!!!

  5. i will have to write about the time i used the satnav in our Grand Cherokee jeep…in a small town in Italy. It had me drive down all these one way roads that kept getting narrower and narrower and narrower until i got to one called Vicolo Stretto (narrow alley) and ended up having to get the emergency services to come help me…..

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