Tag Archives: sarcasm

Canada Has a Day?

Happy Canada Day to all my Canadian friends out there. For those of you wondering, Canada Day is a celebration of the founding of Tim Hortons. Or it might also be a celebration of the enactment of the Canadian constitution which united the three colonies of New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, and Canada into a single entity still owned by Britain.

As an American, I feel like I have to point out that it seem’s like Canada is trying to steal our thunder by placing their holiday just before ours. And they weren’t even declaring independence. They are just celebrating that someone erased and drew some new lines on the map. They we’re still the British empires b#@ch. And they were happy about it. Or should I say aboot it?

Now our celebration, Independence Day, is a reason to celebrate. WE broke away from the British Empire to form our own country. That’s something to be proud of. Canada, I think you were just creating a holiday so you get an extra day off in the summer. But, through blogging, I have virtually met many Canadians and they could not be nicer. As a Canada Day gift to my to Canadian friends, and everyone else, the following links are to my favorite Canada posts over the last 13 years of #ThePhilFactor:

Oh Canada!  May 1, 2006

Oh Canada! I’m Lovin’ It  January 9, 2007

Beware The Canadian Twitter Invasion May 11, 2013

Canada: Elaborate Winter Them Park of Dangerous Adversary? Oct. 18, 2014

Canada’s Secret Foot Fetish June 24, 2017

So there you have it. All of those an ode to my love of Canada. Happy Canada Day to all my Canadian friends and as it is with St. Patrick’s Day, we are all a little Canadian today, aren’t we? Think of all the great things Canada has given us: Justin Bieber, Alex Trebek, and hockey in Las Vegas. Have a great Sunday!  ~Phil

 

If I Was The Royal Wedding Planner…

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Let’s face facts. That so called wedding yesterday was an abomination. What a terrible omen for the marriage of two seemingly nice people. If Britain still beheads people, whoever was the captain of that Titanic-esque disaster should be beheaded immediately. If I’m Harry, I insist on dropping the axe myself and presenting the offending head to my beloved Meghan so she can kick it across the Windsor Castle garden. Too much? I contend that the Royal Wedding was too little. Too little of everything. Talk about a snooze-fest! If that ceremony is remembered in history, it will be remembered as the most boring royal wedding ever.

Yes, I’m sure my U.K. friends, if I still have any left this far into my rant, will say that I’m just the stereotypical “ugly American” that doesn’t understand the pomp, circumstance, and traditions of English royalty. Well guess what my tea tipping friends, part of your royalty is now American. A few suspicious “accidents” and Meghan, Duchess of Suitsssex is your new Queen. If you’re going to let Americans into the monarchy, we might as well put our feet up and get comfortable. So here is how I would have planned the Royal Wedding:

Prince Harry’s Arrival: Dude showed up in a car like a commoner. Are you kidding me? You’re a fecking Prince! That is a lame arrival. A Prince needs to show up at his wedding on a giant white stallion that’s breathing fire. That’s what the chicks want to see. Seriously, what other way is there to announce yourself? I do give Harry props for inviting a couple ex-girlfriends. That’s a ballsy move.

Meghan’s Arrival: In a car with your mom? Boo hoo. How sweet! YAWN. Meghan, you’re an American! Arrive at your wedding like one! If I’m the wedding planner, Meghan parachutes onto the Windsor Castle grounds with her 100 foot train trailing behind her in the air. That, Meghan, is a badass move that would never be forgotten. That’s like legendary Disney Princess shit.

The Bishop: It’s hard to pick any problems with Reverend Michael Curry’s speech. It was pretty damn historic and spectacularly delivered. (He actually comes from my area of New York.) One of the best I’ve ever seen. I’d definitely keep the Dr. Martin Luther King speech, but… before he brings in MLK, I think he should have opened with historic words from another member of American royalty. A Prince in fact:

Dearly beloved, we have gathered here today to get through this thing called life. Electric word life. It means forever and that’s a mighty long time,
but I’m here to tell you there’s something else” 

And then the choir bursts into the chorus! Oh no! Let’s GoBOOM. Mic drop. That would have kicked off that ceremony with authority. Am I right?

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The Queen and Prince Philip: OK, who dressed the Queen? You know that at 147 years old that she didn’t dress herself. Really? Electric lime green? That’s the color you chose for the Queen Mum? And why does Prince Philip always look like he has two black eyes? Apparently when they’re getting kinky in the bedroom he likes it rough. One of those bruises was in the shape of a crown imprint.

The Guest List: Sure, it’s fine that Meghan invited all of her Suits friends. You’ve always got to invite co-workers don’t you? It’s not like she ran off to Vegas. They all knew she was getting married, so there was no way around it. But why were Oprah and George Clooney there? Seriously. If I’m able to invite anyone in the world, it’s not going to be Clooney and Oprah. Boring. I’m definitely going with Kanye. I hate Kanye as much as everyone else, but I’d be on the edge of my seat the whole time waiting to see when he’s going to grab the mic to declare something ridiculous. And Peter Dinklage. He should be in everything.

I could go on, but I don’t want this to be as long as the Royal Wedding coverage. Have a great Sunday everyone! ~ Prince Philip (the American one)

Pretty People Problems

WE, you and I, are obviously ‘Pretty People”, and it makes our life so much more difficult. According to an article in the New York Post this week, pretty people like us have the hardest time finding our soul mate. Mostly because other hot people like us don’t have a soul.

What? Pretty people don’t have a soul? Phil, please, say it ain’t so! Well, my little pretties, if you read the article I linked to above you’d understand, but DON’T go read it now because I’m going to sample from it liberally and take things out of context. The article is the story of poor, pretty, struggling Dan Rochkind, a “30-something executive in private equity” who “could have [anyone] I wanted,” says Rochkind, now 40 and an Upper East Sider with a muscular build and a full head of hair. “I met some nice people, but realistically I went for the hottest girl you could find.

According to fellow pretty person Dan, “Beautiful women who get a fair amount of attention get full of themselves,” he says. “Eventually, I was dreading getting dinner with them because they couldn’t carry a conversation.” So, he met his current fiance’ the way we all do; her mother checked him out at the gym,  gave him her business card and said, I’d like you to meet my daughter. Aaah, love at first sight! If I’m the new fiance’, I’d be a little worried about moms intentions towards Dan.

According to poor, Dan, his current fiance’ has more depth than all the vapid models he used to date. About his possible future wife, Dan said, “[She] is a softer beauty, someone you can take home and cuddle with, and she’s very elegant,”  Translation, she’s not like the hotties I used to date, but she’ll do for now.

But all does not end happily. The pretty people are fighting back to defend their vacuous stereotype. “When men see beautiful women, they are more concentrated on how she looks because they want to ‘have’ her, and so they don’t want to go deeper and get to know her,” says Isabell Giardini, a 22-year-old Italian beauty signed with Major Models. “And that’s why at the end of a date they wonder, ‘Oh that girl is so beautiful but so empty.’ That’s happened to me often.” Life advice from a 22 year old. So young, so pretty and so wise.

Pictured: Benedict Beckeld New York Post
Photo credit: JB Imaginative. He owns the rights to photos

But then, a guy who allowed himself to represent hot men said, “From my personal experience, people who are better looking are less likely to pursue advanced degrees, or play an instrument or learn other languages,” says Benedict Beckeld, a 37-year-old Brooklyn writer with a doctorate in philosophy and the body of an Adonis. But he’s quick to note that he’s not just a great set of abs — he also plays the violin and speaks seven languages.” A doctorate in philosophy? Seriously? Anyone know a professional philosopher? Yeah, he’s unemployed.

After a fair amount of abuse on Twitter and a LasVegasblog.buzz column that refers to Dan Rochkind as “Obnoxious A-hole” Dan’s equally vapid and tone deaf fiance’ came to his defense in another article in the Post, saying “Beauty comes from within — if a woman is confident, knows her worth, has nice skin and pretty hair and takes care of herself — that’s what’s important.”  

So nice skin and pretty hair are part of the beauty that comes from within? If so, my insides are covered in pretty hair! Yeah Dan, you’ve got yourself a deep thinker there! So, my fellow pretty people, do you agree that all the other pretty people who don’t read this blog are vapid jerks and should settle for someone with less looks and more substance? Also, after Dan’s inevitable divorce, who wants to date him?

Have a pretty Saturday everyone! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Things Donald Trump Should Build a Wall Around

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As everyone knows, during his campaign Donald Trump promised to build a wall between the United States and Mexico. Listen Donald, if we’re building walls, I can think of plenty of other groups of people we should build walls against. In fact, I can think of ten:

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10. People who still write paper checks at stores. This is a group of people who need to be walled off from the rest of the world, if only for their own protection. Can you say “justifiable homicide”?

9. People who want “you to copy and paste this message to your Facebook status for one hour.” I don’t care if I agree with whatever message it is, I’m not going to do it. In fact, if you say that only your “true friends will copy and paste”, I’ll be happy not to be “true friends” with people who propagate 21st century chain letters and try to bully people with emotional blackmail.

8. The audience comedian at a real stand-up comedy show. Listen, the show will go on just fine if all you do is laugh. Keep your mouth shut otherwise. You are not as funny as the professional on stage. Yes, you’re friends tell you that you’re a “hoot.” You’re not. They’re lying so they don’t hurt your feelings. I didn’t pay to hear you talk.

7. My Problem is more important than yours people. They go to whatever store you’re in and tie up the cashier for 20 minutes with a problem that should have been dealt with elsewhere and is probably because the idiot didn’t understand something simple.

6. Social Media Trolls: If only there was a way to build a virtual internet wall around these losers. Then they could just criticize each other all day.

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5. Every writer, director and producer of “reality” TV shows: Enough already. There’s no reality in these shows and no originality at all anymore. I hereby declare a wall should be built around these dolts so that no more stupid, fake shows like The Apprentice will ever be made.

4. Drivers who…well, pretty much all drivers, including us. How often have you been driving and gone completely mental, screaming obscenities at someone who turned too slowly and then a hundred meters later you’re incensed that someone honked at you for doing the same thing? We’re all idiots in this regard. Too bad there isn’t some kind of breathalyzer device that prevents you from driving when you’re in a bad mood.

3. The ‘Yeah but’ people: These people can’t let anyone say anything positive about anything. Example: You: “That Pope seems like such a nice guy!” Them: “Yeah, but did you hear that his motorcade ran over a rat when he was in New York?” You: “I just won millions in the lottery!” Them: “Yeah, but you’re gonna have to pay a shitload of taxes.”

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2. The Overly Effusive People: They’re the opposite of the last group. EVERYTHING is the greatest thing that they’ve ever seen, heard, done, or tasted.  These people really need to dial back the Prozac by a few milligrams. Listen skippy, I enjoy this song, movie, meal or whatever as much as the next guy, but I don’t feel it’s necessary to re-enact the Meg Ryan orgasm scene from When Harry Met Sally eight times a day.

1. People with blogs: 99% of the people with blogs think they’re way more interesting than they really are. The other 1% read my blog. I have never once said the phrase, “You should read my blog!” Write, if it’s any good, people will read it. Also if you read other people’s blogs, they’ll read yours back, maybe. But don’t put “Blogger” on your LinkedIn profile unless someone is paying you to do it, and don’t tell people to read your blog. You’re giving the rest of us a bad name.

See Mr. Trump? It’s not necessary to discriminate based on race, religion, or nationality. When I am elected president, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I am going to discriminate on the basis of idiocy.  If you know any of these people, please feel free to share this on FB or Twitter so they can develop some self-awareness. If I missed any of your favorite people to hate, please add them in the comments. If I get enough, I’ll make your suggestions into next weeks list. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Are the Berenst(e)ain Bears Proof of Time Travel?

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Hey Dad, I’ve got the coolest thing to tell you about. Do you wanna hear it?” Well of course, after a long work day, how could I turn down that offer? “Yes,” I replied, with as much half-hearted zest as I could muster, which wasn’t much.  He continued as if it wouldn’t have mattered what I said. “Ok, Dad, how do you spell (the name of that bear family from those books you read me when I was little)?” He actually said the name. I looked him in the eyes and with as much sincerity as was possible, I calmly said: “B-E-R-E-N-S-T-A-I-N.”  He looked crestfallen and stupified at the same time. I know, not an easy look to master, but my son is very talented.

His disappointment was because I spelled the name Berenstain the same way that is on the children’s books. Apparently, however, some believe that the spelling hasn’t always been that way. There are thousands of people all over the world, who apparently all have access to message boards on the internet, who remember that for many years the beloved cartoon and book bear protagonists spelled their last name B-E-R-E-N-S-T-E-I-N. So many people in fact that half of the Internets bandwidth is currently consumed by this discussion. Remember in the Spring there was that blue dress/gold dress thing? This is kind of like that, except it’s been going on for six years. Don’t believe me? Check this list of articles about it.

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The problem is, that so many people believe that it used to be spelled Berenstein that some have said this is proof that either we slipped into a parallel universe where some things are only slightly different than what we remember from the universe we were born into, or that someone traveled back in time and changed the spelling for some nefarious reason.  (Actually, I don’t know if the reason is nefarious. I just like using the word nefarious. Seriously, how many words can you think of that are cooler than that? I wish my blog was nefarious)

I believe both sides are right. The remembering of different spellings is proof of parallel (am I the only one who can never remember if the two L’s in parallel are in the middle or at the end? Thank you spell check)  universes and/or time travel. Yes, that’s right. I’m supporting the internet crackpots. Quick, how many of you already considered me an “internet crackpot”? Also, how many of you believe that I could use a little Ritalin to keep me on topic?

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Yes, you heard me. I believe there are parallel universes or alternate realities, but not in the sci-fi/Dr. Who kind of way.  It’s the time that we live in. Due to the plethora of media, different generations, different countries, or different groups have different realities. (Yeah, I used plethora, but it’s not as cool as nefarious) There is so much media that no one can consume it all, so we choose what we see and hear. Perception is reality and reality is like a telescope. It only sees what you aim it at. Prior to coming home today I had no idea there was a Berenstain Bears parallel universe theory, but there were thousands of people in the world who think this is a pretty important piece of information. That’s what they’ve aimed their telescope at. My telescope is aimed at McDonald’s, wondering if they’re bringing the wings back this Fall and when they’ll start offering breakfast all day long. Seriously, if breakfast food is all they had, I’d eat every meal there. Currently my cholesterol is so high that there are entire McNuggets floating in my bloodstream. Our universes are parallel to each other but we are seeing entirely different things.

Here’s the answer to the Berenstain Bears conspiracy theory: Hey children of the late 80’s and 90’s! Guess what? When your parents read those books to you, you were four years old and didn’t give a rats ass about spelling. Your telescope was aimed at Tommy Bear, or whatever the hell his name was, and you were wondering if he’d fess up to eating the last cookie. Then twenty years later after you read about or met hundreds of people whose named ended in stein like Albert Einstein, Frankenstein, or Ben Stein (Bueller? Bueller?) you just assumed that the bears last name was the same. Just because some idiots made a typo in TV Guide thirty years ago does not make it a reality.

Look, I don’t know what else to say. I know I’m starting to verge into “Hey you kids! Get off my lawn!” crazy old guy territory, but c’mon! How can thousands of morons buy into this? Just because it’s on the internet doesn’t make it true. Guess what? I’m on the internet and I make stuff up all the time? Anybody remember ‘catfishing’? I invented that. All you late 80’s and 90’s kids, listen; Nickelodeon really was awesome when you were little, but nobody changed the spelling of the cartoon bears name, except Mrs. Berenstain Bear who went back to her maiden name  after she divorced Mr. Bear because of his drinking and “sex addiction”  problem and left him to get her own groove back. You’re adults now. Pay your college loans, get a real job, and shut the hell up.

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor, feel free to share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, or re-blog buttons below. Do it quick before someone goes back in time and changes it. (Oh yeah, I am SO sharing this on those Reddit message threads) Have a great weekend! ~Phil

The Problem People: Are You One?

I am not a Problem Person, but you might be and not even know it. See the guy in the picture?

 (Photo by Jeff Kravitz/FilmMagic)

(Photo by Jeff Kravitz/FilmMagic)

He’s a Problem Person. Rule of thumb: If you show up anywhere with a monkey on your shoulder, you’re a Problem Person. (The exception being when you work for a zoo and Jimmy Fallon invites you on his show to display exotic animals)

Most Problem People don’t know they’re Problem People: The official definition of Problem Person: Any person who through laziness and/or ignorance chooses to use exponentially more time and resources of others than is warranted. In most cases the problem usually can be solved with a little common sense and personal initiative. Next I’ll give a few examples of Problem People that you may know, or be.

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The Supermarket Problem Person: At the deli this person is unaware of the “take a number” system and just walks up to the counter and barks out their order. She needs six different kinds of meats but she wants the turkey shaved thin, the roast beef thick and the free range chicken sliced just like the restaurant at the corner of 4th and Main does for their sandwiches, you know the one. And they want them double wrapped because they don’t want any air getting in because it will smell fishy before she gets home. Then she takes her cart over to the busiest aisle, parks it sideways in the middle and then ponders what, based on how long it takes, is apparently is a life altering decision about penne versus rigatoni pasta. At the checkout she has coupons for everything except what’s in her cart and she wants them applied even if she bought three of the things on the two for one. Then her box of rice has a tiny hole and she wants someone to get her another and “Oh, while I’m here, I’d like to return and get a refund on this bread I bought last week, it’s just not fresh and I thought I saw a spot of mold on the crust. And I’d like to pay for half of my groceries with my credit card and the rest on a check. Do you have a pen?”

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The Bank Problem Person: Fortunately with modern technology, going into a bank is a fairly infrequent need for most of us. There are typically two kinds of Bank Problem People: 1) The “I brought my yearly statement in during my lunch hour on a Friday and I want the teller to explain every transaction” person and 2) The ATM person who spends thirty minutes finagling the hostile takeover of a multi-national corporation through their use of their ATM card.

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The Restaurant Problem Person: We all know one of these people. They’re gluten free, lactose intolerant and allergic to peanuts. They have the specific recipe they want the bartender to use to create their favorite drink that no one has ever heard of. When their food comes some portion of it must be sent back or is uneaten because it’s not right and they want that deducted from the check. Then they don’t leave a tip because “the waitress made that face when I asked for more gluten free bread sticks.”

The Solution! When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law requiring all service industries to set aside one booth or desk for the Problem People. If you walk into a store, restaurant or bank and you know you have a question or issue, go to the Problem Desk. The person there is prepared to cheerfully help you. If you don’t self-identify as a Problem Person and you try to get your problem resolved through the regular staff or desk, thus inconveniencing others, a loud alarm and flashing red lights will go off and you will be escorted to the Problem Desk. Your drivers license will be stamped PP for the next four years, at which time, if you haven’t been an annoying moron too much, the scarlet letter will be removed from your license and you will be allowed to interact with the service industries like a normal person.

I just want to say Happy Birthday to the United States of America. If you enjoyed todays Phil Factor and have a Problem Person in your life who may not be aware of it, please educate them by sharing this by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. Have a great weekend! ~Phil  (P.S. did you notice that today, after ten years of blogging, I figured out how to add text colors?)

Throwback Thursdays! The Hamster Ball People

This was originally posted on The Phil Factor on Oct. 22, 2009.

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We all know what a hamster ball is right? Generally I have no problems with hamsters or balls. What I do have a problem with is Hamster Ball People. What or who are Hamster Ball People you ask? They’re not necessarily those people who recreationally place themselves in giant hamster balls like the picture above. The Hamster Ball People are those people who move about the Earth as if they are in a giant plastic hamster ball, as if they are surrounded by a giant invisible bubble that is their space and theirs alone.

Still not sure? Let me give you a few examples: At the supermarket you push your cart along happily gathering what you need for the gourmet feast you’re planning for that evening. As you turn the corner to find that one, last elusive item you need to complete your shopping, there sits a Hamster Ball Person. They are definitely in the middle of the aisle, cart parked sideways as they ponder what appears to be the most difficult decision of their lives. That entire aisle belongs to them don’t you know? Or if perhaps they are actually pushing their cart, they are moving a such a glacial speed that you think their legs may fuse together, or already have. And of course they are in the middle of the aisle as if their invisible hamster ball won’t let them move to either side to let other shoppers pass. Oh, that’s right! They don’t actually recognize that there are other shoppers because the entire store exists to serve their needs.

On the roads the Hamster Ball People aren’t as egregious in their behavior, but they exhibit the same traits. The Hamster Ball People are likely to be the car that will stop regardless of traffic, on any road, without pulling over to the side, to read a sign, look at someones Halloween decorations, or just to point at a bird they saw. At the bank the Hamster Ball People are the ones who on a Friday lunch hour with 40 people waiting in line will take up at least a half hour with the teller because they don’t understand the ATM fee on their bank statement.

Another place the Hamster Ball People foul things up for the rest of men is in the men’s room. Classic men’s room etiquette insists that unless your bladder is in danger of literally exploding and splashing everyone within a 10 foot blast radius with urine and torn skin, you are not to ever use a urinal directly next to another man. The Hamster Ball People do respect this rule, but to an annoying degree. If there are only three urinals in a men’s room, as there often are, A Hamster Ball Person will go to the middle, leaving anyone who follows them the choice of either standing directly next to them, or waiting until the Hamster Ball Person leaves. You ladies may just think men are being silly about this, but really, do you want to go to the bathroom with no divider between you and you’re close enough that you might rub shoulders?

The best part of this post is that I know that from now on whenever you go somewhere and see someone displaying any of these behaviors, in you’re head you’ll think “Hamster Ball People.” As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or Re-blog buttons below. Feel free to leave a comment if you have an example of Hamster Ball People. Have a great Thursday! ~Phil