Tag Archives: sarcasm

I (Theresa) May Be A Psychic!

Actually, there is no “may” be a psychic. I am and I’ve gotten another one right. In my annual predictions post back on December 30th I said, “Will Brexit Exit? And What About Theresa May’s Love Life? I’m bringing back an old prediction because it looks like it will be coming true, just not in the exact time frame that I foresaw. In December of 2016 I predicted that Britain would try to reverse course and not leave the European Union. In that prediction that you can read HERE I predicted the reversal of Brexit plans and I also predicted the hashtag #UnBrexit. Feel free to go check Twitter for that, it’s there. The oddity about this prediction is that the Brexit drama will end Theresa May’s reign as Prime Minister. She will be an outcast in her own country and will move to the United States, write love letters to imprisoned Donald Trump, and eventually begin a relationship, with conjugal visits, that will end in marriage. Sorry about that conjugal visit image that’s now stuck in your head. If it’s in my head, I want it in your head.”

If you hadn’t heard Theresa May is resigning as British Prime Minister effective June 7th. Now we just need to see how soon she and Donald Trump start hooking up.

Theresa, when she heard my prediction five months ago.

I’d also like to predict that you’ll read my hilarious books because they might be full of psychic predictions. That’s right, what if I have carefully woven psychic predictions into the plot throughout? They are stories about a time traveler, so is it possible that maybe they aren’t fiction? Maybe I’m getting my future predictions from a reliable source. You’ll never know unless you read them!

I’m predicting you will have a great weekend! ~Phil

Breakfast With Sheldon and Amy

Last weekend I swear that I had breakfast in a cafe at a table next to Big Bang’s Sheldon and Amy. You know how characters in television shows are caricatures or exaggerations of stereotypes of groups of people? I first watched The Big Bang Theory years ago when it was a new show and I thought to myself, “There’s not that many nerd jokes. How long can this show possibly last?” Apparently the answer to that is twelve years. And apparently that show is not an exaggeration of actual nerds.

Last weekend my wife and I went to a vegan cafe. I think that last sentence might be the weirdest thing I write today. I’m not exactly vegan. I’m vegan-ish, or vegan adjacent if you will. Oddly, I don’t have too much mockery of the vegan lifestyle yet. Anyway, back to Sheldon and Amy. So, at a vegan cafe, as you would suspect, it’s a hipster haven, full of vegan twenty-somethings in knit hats who, after they finish their half-caff caramel mocha frappucinno made with coconut milk, are off to picket the local supermarket for using plastic bags that cause dolphins to choke, even though we’re land-locked, at least a thousand miles from an ocean and dolphins never venture this far north.

As I was enjoying a stack of vegan pancakes the size of my head, I heard from the table next to me “Carbon nanotubes…”. I ignored the first mention of carbon nanotubes, because really, who cares about carbon nanotubes, unless they are actually in my delicious stack of vegan pancakes? But then I heard it again. Carbon nanotubes. And again like the slow dripping of a faucet that doesn’t stop and keeps you up at night. Carbon nanotubes are the best! I have to admit that after a while, his douchey pretentiousness was wearing off on me and I began to wonder about carbon nanotubes and whether I could shove them up his nose until they punctured his brain.

But oh no, the conversation wasn’t one sided. Sheldon’s girlfriend Amy had to join the fun. After Sheldon said, “Carbon is easily my favorite element, (what a maroon, Neptunium is easily the best element) Mrs. Carbon Nanotube replied, “Enzymes are awesome. We would be so fucked if we didn’t have enzymes!” At that moment, I exuberantly said to my wife, “Pancakes are awesome. We would be so fucked if we didn’t have pancakes!”

Have a great Monday and enjoy your pancakes and enzymes, because enzymes are awesome. ~Phil

*All pictures, except the pancakes, are property of CBS

Daylight Stupid Time!

This is my bi-annual reminder that tonight in the United States we move our clocks forward by an hour and my reminder to you that it’s stupid. I’ve been posting this every Fall and Spring since 2006 and will continue to do so until we do away with Daylight Savings Time.

Daylight-Savings-Time

When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law getting rid of Daylight Savings Time. I don’t know if all other countries do this. I do know that not all the U.S. states abide by it. Daylight Savings Time was created about 120 years ago to give farmers more daylight in which to do their work in the fields. Call me crazy, but why the hell didn’t someone just suggest that the lazy ass farmers drag themselves out of a bed a little earlier each day? Because those cud chewing, overall wearing, udder jerking lay-abouts can’t be bothered to set their alarm clocks we’re all stuck changing time?

I don’t know if anyone else noticed, but about ten years ago the U.S. Congress, in another colossal waste of their time and our tax dollars, extended daylight savings time by a few weeks on either end.

First off, why isn’t it called daylight spending time since we are using more daylight in the summer months? Secondly, at this point the farmers (except the creepy Amish ones) all have electricity and alarm clocks, which may not have been the case 120 years ago. I can get away with saying that about the Amish because my demographic data shows that for some reason I have very low readership among the Amish. I guess they just don’t get me.

Reportedly the reason Congress did this is to save energy. How will changing our clocks twice a year save energy? Don’t we set our thermostats and use heat based on the outdoor temperature, not how light out it is? I’d like to save the energy I expend changing my clocks! I’d like Congress to tell me when I get that back. Congress has again proven to be the biggest collection of morons outside of…well…I guess I can’t think of a bigger collection. Why doesn’t Congress set their alarm clocks an hour earlier so they can get up early and get more of this important work done?

dst-baby

B.T. dubs, if we set our clocks ahead an hour now but we turn them back in the Fall, over the course of a year what difference does it make? If we learned anythying from Marty McFly it was that we shouldn’t muck about with time. Also, according to statistics,  the day after we change our clocks there are more workplace injuries, car accidents, and for the day, a 10% rise in heart attacks.

I for one am not going to go for this stupid daylight savings time thing anymore. I don’t work at a farm or for Congress, so I told my boss that for 6 months I’ll be to work an hour early or late, however it works out. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, this is going to change

If you’d like to support my bid for President or Sexiest Man Alive, please hit the Facebook, Twitter share button below, but hurry because you have an hour less to do it in this weekend. Or is it an hour more? Have a great weekend! ~Phil

#PHIL2020

The Queen Is Drunk Right Now!

Yes, kindly little old Queen Elizabeth, or The Big Q as her friends call her at the pub, is crocked off her tiny wrinkled arse right now. You’re probably saying to yourself, “But Phil, how can you know this? Did your amazing psychic powers tell you this?” No, I heard it on the radio. Some DJ filling time between songs drudged up an old Vanity Fair article.

She is the Queen of England, so she can do whatever the feck she wants, but the amounts and times of her drinking are more than a little surprising. The article reported that tiny, 147 year old Queen Elizabeth drinks FOUR alcoholic drinks a day. Four! That’s 28 drinks per week! In my college days I didn’t drink 28 drinks a week! If my doctor thought I had four drinks every day he would send me to rehab!

(Photo by Yui Mok – WPA Pool/Getty Images)

She takes her first drink, gin and Dubonnet, before lunch! Unless it’s a mimosa at a hotel pool or on the beach, I think she’s out of line. But that’s not all folks! During lunch she knocks back a dry gin martini. Then she finishes lunch with a piece of chocolate and a glass of wine. Someone who weighs 68 pounds and has has three drinks by 1 pm is running England. That explains a lot about them over the years. And Prince Philip is obviously not a good designated driver for her.

Speaking of Prince Philip, why the heck does he have a black eye in every picture I’ve ever seen of him? Last year he showed up for Prince Harry’s wedding with a black eye. Reports were that he fell in the bath. But then a few weeks later he got into a car accident, apparently as he was trying to flee the palace. Either he’s getting crocked with Liz too, or I think she’s getting hammered every day and roughing him up. (Philip, if you’re reading this, there’s help out there. Just give me a sign. Tug on your earlobe in your next TV appearance and if I see that I’ll sneak into the palace at night and get you out. Just make sure to hide the Queen’s gun.)

That picture is her version of this:

If I had three drinks by 1 pm, all I’d want to do is take a nap. Then at bedtime, she has a glass of champagne. Now that I can see. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, you’re damn right I’m going to top off my day with champagne. I can picture Big Q in her robe and slippers sitting on the throne, putting her feet up and watching Graham Norton with her nightcap. Still wearing her crown she raises her glass as if toasting to nothing and no one and thinks to herself, “Damn it, I’m the effing Queen of England!” And then she knocks it back sloppily with half of it running out of the corners of her mouth.

Have a great Saturday and enjoy your cocktails!  ~Phil

My Fatal Flaw.

This is not me and that is not my naked bottom!

I rarely indulge in revealing my personal issues. Yes, I know it may come as a surprise to many of you that I do have a flaw, an Achilles heel if you will. It isn’t anything that would get me killed, but nonetheless, I’m discovering that it is quite the oddity in today’s world. In fact, it seems to be so rare that this flaw of mine is discriminated against by many places, including one of the most popular  companies in the world!

Yes, that’s right. Starbucks broke my heart by discriminating against me personally. That was a lot of build up. So what is my fatal flaw? It’s that I drink decaf coffee. Gasp! Even though you didn’t have your mic on, I heard that gasp. You’re suddenly thinking, Geez. Up until now Phil seemed so normal. I may have to re-think the whole Phil Factor worshiping that I’ve dedicated my life to.  Yes, D-E-C-A-F. I imagine that many of you were so shocked at this admission that you spilled your caffeinated coffee down the front of your pajamas.  So you’re gasping and you have coffee on your robe. Not a pretty sight.

That’s me on the left when I was younger

It’s been almost two years since I gave up caffeine. I don’t exclusively not drink caffeinated beverages, but I’d say that about 90% of the beverages that go in my body are decaf. Now that you know I don’t drink caffeine you’re probably saying to yourself, “If he doesn’t drink caffeinated coffee, why the heck was that grown ass man doing turning a cartwheel in his last video post?!!?”

What I’ve discovered is that not drinking caffeinated coffee is akin to walking into a coffee shop or restaurant with leprosy. They don’t want to serve you, but by law they have to. (there goes my leprosy audience. They’re such a sensitive demographic) The entire worldwide Starbucks chain has been commanded to stop serving decaf coffee. What they do tell me when I try to order a decaf is that “we don’t make decaf coffee, but we could make you a decaf Americano.” So I’ve let them do this for me twice. It turns out OK, but I’ve have to endure the aloof sneer of the hipster barista and it takes at least ten minutes just to get that simple cup of coffee. And, adding insult to injury, when they call out my name, they get it right! Gasp! I know, right?

Surprisingly, there are a lot of funny memes dedicated to decaf coffee. I’ve also discovered that being a decaf drinker is like being that gluten-free vegan. If you go out with a group you’re considered to be a high maintenance freak. Often restaurants have to go brew a pot of decaf just for you. I had a restaurant once tell me that it might be about ten minutes until I could get a decaf because they were told not to bother brewing it regularly because they only get one or two requests a day for it.

Good question Jean-Luc Picard. I started it about two years ago as part of a diet that was actually very effective and even though I dropped the diet after about three months, I decided to continue to skip caffeine but continue coffee because I like it and it has health benefits. In fact, doing my research for this post I learned that studies have shown that if you drink two or more cups of decaffeinated coffee a day, you will have up to a 48% lower chance of developing rectal cancer. That’s right, my butt is going to live forever!

I’m not sure how to top that last line as a walk off, so enjoy the rest of your caffeinated day! ~Phil

The Unemployment Diaries Day 3: Home Alone?

Apparently, if me and Macaulay Culkin had a baby, it would not be pretty

Day 3: Wife stayed home from work today due to illness. Suddenly being unemployed isn’t nearly as fun as it was yesterday. I guess I’ll have to start looking for a job.

Possible Job Thoughts: (this is an actual picture from the Notes file on my phone)

Run for President: We all know this is already a given, but the election isn’t until 2020. So even if I get the job, the paychecks won’t start coming in until 2021. It also takes time to build momentum, so I’ll need your help. Here’s what you can do: Whenever you share one of my posts on Facebook or Twitter, add the hashtag #PHIL2020.

Apply to Celebrity Big Brother: TV ads are teasing the new season of Celebrity Big Brother, but I don’t think it’s too late for me to jump on board. And why wouldn’t they want me? I have one of the longest running blogs in the world!

Wait, are you questioning my credentials of being “celebrity” enough for Celebrity Big Brother? Seriously? OK, if you want to, let’s do this! Here’s some of the cast:

Natalie Eva Marie. Who? Do you know she is? You probably don’t, but you know who I am. Boom. There’s one that I’m more famous than.

Ryan Lochte? Michael Phelps shadow much? A former Olympic swimmer who’s more famous for getting drunk at the Rio Olympics and kicking in the bathroom door of a gas station. Hell, there’s probably twenty rednecks in my podunk town who have been on the local news for the same thing.

Tamar Braxton? Apparently singer Toni Braxton  has a sister that no one had heard of until the Big Brother ads hit TV this week.   I wonder if Toni even knew.

Jonathan BennettYou could show up at any kindergarten class in a well to do American suburb and find four kids named Jonathan Bennett.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to go through all twelve alleged “celebrities”. You get the idea. You’ve heard of me more than you’ve heard of them. CBS, get me on that show! And, one thing I have in common with all of the pseudo celebrities is that I’m unemployed too!

That’s it for today folks! Thanks for reading. Have a great Friday! ~Phil

#PHIL2020

There’s No Happy Ending To This Massage

ashbeautyhealth.com.au

In the immortal words of Indiana Jones, “Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?” Why couldn’t there be massages that involve little bunnies, kittens, puppies or panda bears? Yes, snake massages are a thing.

It started almost six years ago in Indonesia and now American celebrities are jumping on the snake massage bandwagon. There’s a woman in New York City, calling herself Serpentessa who charges $300 for a 75 minute snake massage with several boa constrictors. Serpentessa?!!? Really? She sounds like a villain in a super hero movie. She probably does a snake hiss anytime she pronounces a word with an S. I’m guessing that’s not her birth name. She’s probably Edith from Kansas City. (Click her name there to go see her website)

Just to be clear, I don’t have a snake phobia at all. As a kid I used to catch snakes and keep them as pets. My mom was not thrilled. That being said, I’m not getting a snake massage unless someone reading this gets a GoFundMe started and you all contribute enough to cover the cost of my massage and the travel to NYC. Then I’d feel obligated to go get it done and film it for my blog, which I would rename Phil Does Stupid Stuff. Here’s why I won’t choose to do a snake massage on my own: She’s doing it with boa constrictors! These are the snakes that squeeze the life out of people and swallow them whole. In the video below, you’ll see that the snakes are just languidly slithering over the victim person.

But what if  you sneeze and startle the snakes? Like you and me, if we’re startled, wouldn’t the snakes tense up? Or what if Serpentessa gets a phone call and leaves the room to take it? No thank you. That’s probably just what Sepentessa wants. She’s going to feed her enemies to the snakes until she can take over the world. Hmm…I wonder if I could send Donald Trump a snake massage gift certificate… Now, as a writer I’m picturing the scene: In the dark of night, in the hallway of the White House snakes slithering into the Oval Office….

This seems like as good an idea as Goat yoga. Just let me know when the GoFundMe has enough for me to go get that snake massage. Have a great weekend! ~Phil