Tag Archives: sarcasm

Daylight Stupid Time!

This is my bi-annual reminder that tonight in the United States we move our clocks forward by an hour and my reminder to you that it’s stupid. I’ve been posting this every Fall and Spring since 2006 and will continue to do so until we do away with Daylight Savings Time.

Daylight-Savings-Time

When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law getting rid of Daylight Savings Time. I don’t know if all other countries do this. I do know that not all the U.S. states abide by it. Daylight Savings Time was created about 120 years ago to give farmers more daylight in which to do their work in the fields. Call me crazy, but why the hell didn’t someone just suggest that the lazy ass farmers drag themselves out of a bed a little earlier each day? Because those cud chewing, overall wearing, udder jerking lay-abouts can’t be bothered to set their alarm clocks we’re all stuck changing time?

I don’t know if anyone else noticed, but about ten years ago the U.S. Congress, in another colossal waste of their time and our tax dollars, extended daylight savings time by a few weeks on either end.

First off, why isn’t it called daylight spending time since we are using more daylight in the summer months? Secondly, at this point the farmers (except the creepy Amish ones) all have electricity and alarm clocks, which may not have been the case 120 years ago. I can get away with saying that about the Amish because my demographic data shows that for some reason I have very low readership among the Amish. I guess they just don’t get me.

Reportedly the reason Congress did this is to save energy. How will changing our clocks twice a year save energy? Don’t we set our thermostats and use heat based on the outdoor temperature, not how light out it is? I’d like to save the energy I expend changing my clocks! I’d like Congress to tell me when I get that back. Congress has again proven to be the biggest collection of morons outside of…well…I guess I can’t think of a bigger collection. Why doesn’t Congress set their alarm clocks an hour earlier so they can get up early and get more of this important work done?

dst-baby

B.T. dubs, if we set our clocks ahead an hour now but we turn them back in the Fall, over the course of a year what difference does it make? If we learned anythying from Marty McFly it was that we shouldn’t muck about with time. Also, according to statistics,  the day after we change our clocks there are more workplace injuries, car accidents, and for the day, a 10% rise in heart attacks.

I for one am not going to go for this stupid daylight savings time thing anymore. I don’t work at a farm or for Congress, so I told my boss that for 6 months I’ll be to work an hour early or late, however it works out. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, this is going to change

If you’d like to support my bid for President or Sexiest Man Alive, please hit the Facebook, Twitter share button below, but hurry because you have an hour less to do it in this weekend. Or is it an hour more? Have a great weekend! ~Phil

#PHIL2020

The Queen Is Drunk Right Now!

Yes, kindly little old Queen Elizabeth, or The Big Q as her friends call her at the pub, is crocked off her tiny wrinkled arse right now. You’re probably saying to yourself, “But Phil, how can you know this? Did your amazing psychic powers tell you this?” No, I heard it on the radio. Some DJ filling time between songs drudged up an old Vanity Fair article.

She is the Queen of England, so she can do whatever the feck she wants, but the amounts and times of her drinking are more than a little surprising. The article reported that tiny, 147 year old Queen Elizabeth drinks FOUR alcoholic drinks a day. Four! That’s 28 drinks per week! In my college days I didn’t drink 28 drinks a week! If my doctor thought I had four drinks every day he would send me to rehab!

(Photo by Yui Mok – WPA Pool/Getty Images)

She takes her first drink, gin and Dubonnet, before lunch! Unless it’s a mimosa at a hotel pool or on the beach, I think she’s out of line. But that’s not all folks! During lunch she knocks back a dry gin martini. Then she finishes lunch with a piece of chocolate and a glass of wine. Someone who weighs 68 pounds and has has three drinks by 1 pm is running England. That explains a lot about them over the years. And Prince Philip is obviously not a good designated driver for her.

Speaking of Prince Philip, why the heck does he have a black eye in every picture I’ve ever seen of him? Last year he showed up for Prince Harry’s wedding with a black eye. Reports were that he fell in the bath. But then a few weeks later he got into a car accident, apparently as he was trying to flee the palace. Either he’s getting crocked with Liz too, or I think she’s getting hammered every day and roughing him up. (Philip, if you’re reading this, there’s help out there. Just give me a sign. Tug on your earlobe in your next TV appearance and if I see that I’ll sneak into the palace at night and get you out. Just make sure to hide the Queen’s gun.)

That picture is her version of this:

If I had three drinks by 1 pm, all I’d want to do is take a nap. Then at bedtime, she has a glass of champagne. Now that I can see. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, you’re damn right I’m going to top off my day with champagne. I can picture Big Q in her robe and slippers sitting on the throne, putting her feet up and watching Graham Norton with her nightcap. Still wearing her crown she raises her glass as if toasting to nothing and no one and thinks to herself, “Damn it, I’m the effing Queen of England!” And then she knocks it back sloppily with half of it running out of the corners of her mouth.

Have a great Saturday and enjoy your cocktails!  ~Phil

My Fatal Flaw.

This is not me and that is not my naked bottom!

I rarely indulge in revealing my personal issues. Yes, I know it may come as a surprise to many of you that I do have a flaw, an Achilles heel if you will. It isn’t anything that would get me killed, but nonetheless, I’m discovering that it is quite the oddity in today’s world. In fact, it seems to be so rare that this flaw of mine is discriminated against by many places, including one of the most popular  companies in the world!

Yes, that’s right. Starbucks broke my heart by discriminating against me personally. That was a lot of build up. So what is my fatal flaw? It’s that I drink decaf coffee. Gasp! Even though you didn’t have your mic on, I heard that gasp. You’re suddenly thinking, Geez. Up until now Phil seemed so normal. I may have to re-think the whole Phil Factor worshiping that I’ve dedicated my life to.  Yes, D-E-C-A-F. I imagine that many of you were so shocked at this admission that you spilled your caffeinated coffee down the front of your pajamas.  So you’re gasping and you have coffee on your robe. Not a pretty sight.

That’s me on the left when I was younger

It’s been almost two years since I gave up caffeine. I don’t exclusively not drink caffeinated beverages, but I’d say that about 90% of the beverages that go in my body are decaf. Now that you know I don’t drink caffeine you’re probably saying to yourself, “If he doesn’t drink caffeinated coffee, why the heck was that grown ass man doing turning a cartwheel in his last video post?!!?”

What I’ve discovered is that not drinking caffeinated coffee is akin to walking into a coffee shop or restaurant with leprosy. They don’t want to serve you, but by law they have to. (there goes my leprosy audience. They’re such a sensitive demographic) The entire worldwide Starbucks chain has been commanded to stop serving decaf coffee. What they do tell me when I try to order a decaf is that “we don’t make decaf coffee, but we could make you a decaf Americano.” So I’ve let them do this for me twice. It turns out OK, but I’ve have to endure the aloof sneer of the hipster barista and it takes at least ten minutes just to get that simple cup of coffee. And, adding insult to injury, when they call out my name, they get it right! Gasp! I know, right?

Surprisingly, there are a lot of funny memes dedicated to decaf coffee. I’ve also discovered that being a decaf drinker is like being that gluten-free vegan. If you go out with a group you’re considered to be a high maintenance freak. Often restaurants have to go brew a pot of decaf just for you. I had a restaurant once tell me that it might be about ten minutes until I could get a decaf because they were told not to bother brewing it regularly because they only get one or two requests a day for it.

Good question Jean-Luc Picard. I started it about two years ago as part of a diet that was actually very effective and even though I dropped the diet after about three months, I decided to continue to skip caffeine but continue coffee because I like it and it has health benefits. In fact, doing my research for this post I learned that studies have shown that if you drink two or more cups of decaffeinated coffee a day, you will have up to a 48% lower chance of developing rectal cancer. That’s right, my butt is going to live forever!

I’m not sure how to top that last line as a walk off, so enjoy the rest of your caffeinated day! ~Phil

The Unemployment Diaries Day 3: Home Alone?

Apparently, if me and Macaulay Culkin had a baby, it would not be pretty

Day 3: Wife stayed home from work today due to illness. Suddenly being unemployed isn’t nearly as fun as it was yesterday. I guess I’ll have to start looking for a job.

Possible Job Thoughts: (this is an actual picture from the Notes file on my phone)

Run for President: We all know this is already a given, but the election isn’t until 2020. So even if I get the job, the paychecks won’t start coming in until 2021. It also takes time to build momentum, so I’ll need your help. Here’s what you can do: Whenever you share one of my posts on Facebook or Twitter, add the hashtag #PHIL2020.

Apply to Celebrity Big Brother: TV ads are teasing the new season of Celebrity Big Brother, but I don’t think it’s too late for me to jump on board. And why wouldn’t they want me? I have one of the longest running blogs in the world!

Wait, are you questioning my credentials of being “celebrity” enough for Celebrity Big Brother? Seriously? OK, if you want to, let’s do this! Here’s some of the cast:

Natalie Eva Marie. Who? Do you know she is? You probably don’t, but you know who I am. Boom. There’s one that I’m more famous than.

Ryan Lochte? Michael Phelps shadow much? A former Olympic swimmer who’s more famous for getting drunk at the Rio Olympics and kicking in the bathroom door of a gas station. Hell, there’s probably twenty rednecks in my podunk town who have been on the local news for the same thing.

Tamar Braxton? Apparently singer Toni Braxton  has a sister that no one had heard of until the Big Brother ads hit TV this week.   I wonder if Toni even knew.

Jonathan BennettYou could show up at any kindergarten class in a well to do American suburb and find four kids named Jonathan Bennett.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to go through all twelve alleged “celebrities”. You get the idea. You’ve heard of me more than you’ve heard of them. CBS, get me on that show! And, one thing I have in common with all of the pseudo celebrities is that I’m unemployed too!

That’s it for today folks! Thanks for reading. Have a great Friday! ~Phil

#PHIL2020

There’s No Happy Ending To This Massage

ashbeautyhealth.com.au

In the immortal words of Indiana Jones, “Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?” Why couldn’t there be massages that involve little bunnies, kittens, puppies or panda bears? Yes, snake massages are a thing.

It started almost six years ago in Indonesia and now American celebrities are jumping on the snake massage bandwagon. There’s a woman in New York City, calling herself Serpentessa who charges $300 for a 75 minute snake massage with several boa constrictors. Serpentessa?!!? Really? She sounds like a villain in a super hero movie. She probably does a snake hiss anytime she pronounces a word with an S. I’m guessing that’s not her birth name. She’s probably Edith from Kansas City. (Click her name there to go see her website)

Just to be clear, I don’t have a snake phobia at all. As a kid I used to catch snakes and keep them as pets. My mom was not thrilled. That being said, I’m not getting a snake massage unless someone reading this gets a GoFundMe started and you all contribute enough to cover the cost of my massage and the travel to NYC. Then I’d feel obligated to go get it done and film it for my blog, which I would rename Phil Does Stupid Stuff. Here’s why I won’t choose to do a snake massage on my own: She’s doing it with boa constrictors! These are the snakes that squeeze the life out of people and swallow them whole. In the video below, you’ll see that the snakes are just languidly slithering over the victim person.

But what if  you sneeze and startle the snakes? Like you and me, if we’re startled, wouldn’t the snakes tense up? Or what if Serpentessa gets a phone call and leaves the room to take it? No thank you. That’s probably just what Sepentessa wants. She’s going to feed her enemies to the snakes until she can take over the world. Hmm…I wonder if I could send Donald Trump a snake massage gift certificate… Now, as a writer I’m picturing the scene: In the dark of night, in the hallway of the White House snakes slithering into the Oval Office….

This seems like as good an idea as Goat yoga. Just let me know when the GoFundMe has enough for me to go get that snake massage. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

I Know What You Googled in the Dark!

I haven’t done one of these posts in a while. This is my quarterly reminder that even if you have your computer in ghost mode or you haven’t signed in to Google, someone somewhere knows what you searched when you’re home alone. Big Brother may not be watching, but I am. So without further self-indulgent blathering by yours truly, these are not the most popular search terms that brought people to The Phil Factor, but they are definitely the most interesting:

Sex position for Tuesday: It’s a little known fact that certain sexual positions on certain days of the week lead to a higher rate of conception. I am the world’s foremost expert on this subject, so for a fee, I will advise. In response to this inquiry, the answer is The Blender Bender. You’re welcome. Enjoy.

Can sociopaths smell? clinical study showed that people with a poor sense of smell score highly on ratings of sociopathic tendencies. I would guess that most of you can’t even smell the aroma I’ve programmed my blog to give off when you open the web page. If you can’t smell it, then you’re a sociopath.

Doppelganger women fight: Every man’s fantasy, right? I’d say that it depends on the woman.

electric-vehiclenews.com

Perks of being the Pope: It’s a little known fact that the Pope and I are old pals. We went to band camp together one summer and we still keep in touch. One of the perks of being the Pope is that he gets to drive the Popemobile, and he just loves to pull up to my house in that thing. He’s so smug.

What do kids get out of snorting Tide pods? I would guess not much more than their nostrils smelling like lavender breeze. Kids, if you’re reading this, stop snorting Tide Pods. Have you even tried drugs?

Amazon.com

Foot Fetish certificate: I used to be in charge of awarding the foot fetish certificates worldwide, but now apparently it’s Amazon.com. Go ahead, click that. I dare you.

Funny drinking charities: These are my favorite charities. Apparently, I am a funny drinking charity. Amazon author stats show that the only time anyone has ordered one of my books is when they are drunk. How does Amazon know that? Trust me, Amazon knows everything. EVERYTHING!

Celebrity nipples: So I’ve got an old friend who is a very well respected and confidential cosmetic surgeon, and long story short, Ryan Gosling has nothing on me, or is it vice-versa?

Have a great Sunday! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! Why YOU Did Your New Years Resolutions Wrong!

(Jan. 1, 2018) Good morning and welcome to the next year of your life. YOU did your resolutions wrong. Whether you wrote about them online, posted them on Facebook, or just said them aloud to your friends, you did it wrong. “I want to lose ten pounds,” or maybe you said, “I want to be more organized in 2018!”  Perhaps you might have gone the “I’m going to learn something new!” route. Regardless, you were wrong, wrong, WRONG! Yes, that last wrong was said in frustration at you. At the whole human race in fact.

Last night I was watching one of those insipid New Year’s Eve countdown shows and they had clips of about fifteen different celebrities saying their resolutions. These were famous, talented people who have displayed their skills for the world to see. Surely people like this must have grand goals they aspire to, right? Nope. They wanted to lose the same ten pounds as you and “live more in the moment” in 2018. Ugh. Snoozefest. Zzzzzz Zzzzzzz Zzzzzzz. That was me last night dozing off because I was bored with the whole human race and their pathetically small aspirations.

What is wrong with people? Does no one aspire to greatness anymore? Does no one want to change the world, or even conquer it in some fashion? We’ve grown from a single cell organism to creatures that travel to outer space and have phones that can reach anyone anywhere on the planet at any time! Our history is filled with dreamers that wanted to achieve greatness just because they could! But this year, I didn’t hear any of them.

Guess what everybody? We only get one New Year beginning every year. Why squander it dreaming small? You know the old saying: “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you’ll die without oxygen in the void of space you’ll land among the stars.” If you set some mundane goal, you’ll never be excited about achieving it.

Here are my goals for 2018:

  1. Be chosen as Sexiest Man Alive by People Magazine. Seriously, if Blake Shelton can win it, then it’s obviously open to anyone.
  2. Have one of my books achieve best seller status and sell the movie or TV rights.
  3. Resume doing stand-up comedy. Get my own special on Netflix.
  4. Sit down with Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un and tell them both to grow up and act like adults. Then I will broker a peace treaty between the two countries.
  5. Get all my psychic predictions right and be acknowledged as the world’s greatest psychic who is consulted by world leaders. (This one may have to happen before #4.)

There. That’s how you set goals! Now get off your lazy asses, lose ten pound AND change the world! Are you with me? If you are, put one of your ‘shoot for the moon‘ goals in the comments for all the world to see.

Have a great Monday and an even better 2018! ~Phil