Was Jesus the First Chuck Norris?

Photo credit: my neighbors

Photo credit: my neighbors

See that picture? Can you tell me with absolute certainty that’s not Chuck Norris  on the right? I know my title says Jesus was the first Chuck Norris and I know that’s Joseph on the right, but you’ve got to think that the son grew up to look a little like his dad right?



I’ve been doing a little investigating, like in a Dan Brown novel, and I’ve come to the conclusion that that in one form or another humans have always worshipped a Jesus/Chuck Norris figure. The similarities between the two are startling. The beard, the followers: (Jesus had 12 disciples, Chuck Norris has Twitter), the incredible feats defeating evil. It’s all there throughout history. They’re the same person. Maybe when Jesus rose from the dead he didn’t go to heaven but instead continued to walk the Earth as Chuck Norris.

Let’s put this theory to the test.  I’m going to borrow several statements from the internet and history and plug both their names in and see if they’re interchangeable.

If you have 5 dollars and Chuck Norris has 5 dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

If you have 5 loaves and fishes and Jesus has 5 loaves and fishes, Jesus has more loaves and fishes than you.

Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s Secret.

Jesus knows your sins.



Jesus was put to death, but didn’t really die and rose from the dead three days later.

Chuck Norris has never really died either, unless you count his movie career.

The bible, a book, is full of stories about Jesus.

The internet, a modern reading device, like a book, is full of Chuck Norris fact lists.

So, as you can see, the Jesus/Chuck Norris themes are similar throughout history. If they are the same guy wouldn’t that then mean that the bible is just a book of Chuck Norris jokes?

This post came about as a result of my neighbors nativity set that’s in the picture at the top. My son and theirs are friends and when we were dropping their son off after an afterschool activity a couple years ago I said, “Hey, Noah, why is there a statue of Chuck Norris on your lawn?”  They recently posted that picture of their Chuck Norris nativity set on Facebook and tagged me.

As always, if you enjoy my seasonal blasphemy, in the spirit of the holidays please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog buttons below. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

8 responses to “Was Jesus the First Chuck Norris?

  1. Also, Norris rhymes with Horus, who was resurrected…

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Your seasonal blasphemy makes me happy. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I have to admit that the Joseph figure is a dead ringer….

    Liked by 1 person

  4. See the blazing yule before us
    Strike the harp and worship Chuck Norris

    Doesn’t it go something like that? Hey, not to worry!! For the first seven years of my life, I thought God was Merv Griffin and I’m still not absolutely positive that’s not true!


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