I’m psychic. A soothsayer if you will. Today I’m using my awesome powers of psychitude to give you a vaguely believable list of predictions that you can bank on occurring during 2015. Here they are:
10. The World will not end: I wanted to get this one out of the way to put your mind at ease. I would say go ahead and make long term plans and save for next year’s vacation, but the world making it through another year doesn’t mean that you will. Proceed with caution. Floss and eat your vegetables.
9. 2015 will be All About That Treble: The bass had a good run but now Treble gets it’s due. What if every year Meghan Trainor just came out with one new song? In 2015 she will sing The Trouble with Treble. In 2016 her hit will be Falsetto in the Ghetto. (I also predict that my poetically brilliant friend Marissa from Glorious Results of a Misspent Youth will write those two songs on her blog sometime soon)
8. The Aliens took the airplanes: It will be discovered and revealed that aliens have set up some sort of time warp/vortex/space vacuum near Indonesia to steal planes. If a satellite miles above the Earth in outer space can beam GPS directions to my car as I travel at 100km/hour we sure as heck have the technology to find a plane, if it’s still on Earth. I can’t think of any other explanation for the missing Malaysia Airlines flight of last spring. The whole world can’t be that bad at finding stuff right?
7. A Kardashian will break the internet, but it won’t be Kim. Kourtney Kardashian will divorce troubled husband Scott Disick and marry the infinitely more troubled musical asshat Justin Bieber causing a social media armageddon. Twitter servers will literally burst into flames. Yeah, I know you’re all like, “But Phil we thought Justin was hooking up with Kylie!” Duh! He met Kourtney through Kylie, and believe me, Kylie is not happy about her sis stealing her man.
6. U.S. President Barack Obama will get caught smoking marijuana in the White House. He was a joker, a smoker and a midnight toker when he was young. Old habits die hard. In a press conference at which Seth Rogen is present he will say, “I learned it by watching you!” Then they’ll both laugh hysterically and retire to the Oval Office for a “strategy session.”
5. North Korean Dictator Kim Jong-un will reveal that he was adopted and his real father is Bill Cosby. (Now you’re all saying, “Wait, what’s the joke? I don’t get it.)
4. A book by an obscure blogger/writer called Time to Lie will reach #1 on the New York Times bestseller list. Said obscure blogger, “You think the book is good? You ought to read my effing blog.”
3. Elsa from Frozen will be admitted to a substance abuse treatment center after an intervention on Dr. Phil. She will admit that all that white stuff in the movie wasn’t all snow.
2. The National Security Agency will contact a certain blogger and less than politely suggest that he stop linking his blog posts to their website.
1. Facebook will die a very sudden death. Millions will flee the social media empire when it’s revealed that the social network was started as an extension of the NSA to monitor people and collect personal data. Zuckerberg is earning approximately 10 billion a year to sell us out to the man.
Ok, that’s it. Plan your year accordingly. What are your predictions or hopes for 2015? As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor and want to help your friends prepare for the year ahead please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog buttons below. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil