Category Archives: Top Ten

Throwback Thursday! The Elf From Hell

This isn’t really a throwback because it’s timely and relevant every year and I intend to keep posting it until all the demented parents stop waging psychological warfare on their young children.

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(12/22/2012) Most of you are familiar with the Elf on the Shelf right?  In the Elf on the Shelf tradition these poorly dressed little plastic elves are mischievous minions of the red suited overlord who spy on the every move of children and report back to their tyrannical leader. That allegedly quaint little elf doll was invented about 15 years ago as a new, and for some toy making company, moneymaking tradition. Fortunately for my kids I wasn’t aware of The Elf on the Shelf when they were young enough to believe in it.

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Parents put these little Elves on a shelf and the children are told that the Elf cannot be touched or it will lose it’s Christmas  magic. The elf allegedly flies back to the North Pole to report to Santa every night. Man kids are gullible! In the immortal words of Bugs Bunny, “What a bunch of maroons!” The nightly flight is how parents explain that the Elf is in a different spot when the kids wake up each morning.

Of course this crazy little ruse makes kids behave in the weeks leading up to Christmas! They’re terrified! Are you kidding me? Even now if you told me a Chuckie doll was going to sit on my shelf and stare at me while I slept, or that it might be moving around my house at night? I would never go to sleep again. The kids have got to be too terrified or too tired to misbehave. No wonder they have a weeks vacation from school after Christmas. They probably spend that week sleeping for the first time in a month.

onemomsworld.wordpress.com

onemomsworld.wordpress.com

I have a friend who says that after her kids are asleep she will pose the Elf somewhere to make it appear as if the Elf had gotten into mischief overnight, such as putting him next to a tipped over jar of something, or maybe on a desk next to some torn up papers. So her kids wake up imagining that this creepy little doll with the frozen scary clown smile is moving about the house in the dark destroying things. How much longer before someone imagines the doll picking up a knife? What if in some home where they’re torturing their kids with the Elf on the Shelf, just by coincidence, their elderly dog or cat were to pass away during the night? What do you suppose those kids are going to think for the rest of their lives?

This tradition sounds like psychological warfare against children. How long before we see kids who have grown up with this tradition seeking counseling for PTED, Post-Traumatic Elf Disorder?

dannyoulittlerock.com

dannyoulittlerock.com

Happy Holidays to you and your families. If you really want something mysterious and far less traumatic to just appear somewhere this holiday season you could give my book, Time To Lie,  available in paperback, e-book, and Audible. Give the gift of reading this holiday season and have a great Thursday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Reasons to LOVE the Holidays!

See? I’m not a Scrooge or a Grinch. Last weeks Top Ten Reasons to HATE the Holidays was just an attention-getter. Everybody knows that haters gonna hate. But I’m a fair guy, so here’s all my reasons to love the holiday season:

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10. Ridiculous Holiday Light Displays: That’s not my house but I wish it was. I love people that take the decorating and lights waaaay too far. I wish we could do it all year long. If there’s a neighborhood that decorates all year long, let me know. I’ll move there.

9. Getting presents: Well duh! Free stuff that we didn’t know we needed or wanted? Yes please! Notice that the presents are only 9th on my list? That’s because I’m not superficial and materialistic.

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8. Nutcrackers: I buy my nuts pre-cracked but I love these guys anyway for no good reason.  As much as I love them I’d also love Stephen King, or maybe me, to write a Christmas horror story where nutcrackers come to life and terrorize people like Chuckie. Imagine how creepy they’s be if you added sharp teeth! (Yes, that herd of nutcrackers is at my house staring at me right now)

7. Holiday Movies: Scroll back to Tuesday Dec. 8th for my list of the ten best holiday movies.

6. Time off from work: Let’s be honest, how many of us love our job so much that we’d do it even if we didn’t get paid? Bueller? Bueller? Yeah, I didn’t think so. I’m taking the week off between Christmas and New Years. Don’t worry, I’ll still keep blogging because I’d do that even if they didn’t pay me.

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5. Holiday Specials: Scroll back to Dec 1st for my top ten holiday specials. The Grinch is a total badass but he’s not number 1 on that list.

4. Awkward Family Holiday PhotosI don’t care if they’re real or fake, they’re funny. I hope someday to create my own that becomes a meme on the internet.

3. Sometimes jerks try a little harder not to be: Including me. I don’t think I’m a jerk, but it’s nice that me and most other people try a little harder to be cordial, except at the mall.

2. My holiday tie collection: Yes, this is one you should love too. This year I own enough holiday themed ties that I can wear a different one every work day from Thanksgiving until Christmas. If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook you’ve probably seen them.

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1. _________________________

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Number 1 is left blank for you. What is it that you love about the holidays above all else? Put in the comments what you love most about Hanukkah or Christmas. Have a great Tuesday!~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Reasons To HATE The Holidays

You’re a mean one Mister Grinch. You really are a heel. You’re as cuddly as a cactus, you’re as charming as an eel, Mister Grinch. You’re a bad banana with a greasy black peel.

Yup, that’s me; King of sarcasm and hater of all things jolly. I’m not saying that there aren’t things to love about the holidays. There are plenty, but c’mon everybody, if we’re truly being honest with ourselves, there are a lot of things to hate about the holidays. Here’s my top ten, and in the spirit of a gift that keeps on giving, I’m hoping I’ll mention one or two things you haven’t noticed before and from this day forward you won’t be able to not notice them.

10. Candy canes: They’re sticky. That’s pretty much it. I like the minty flavor, but I can get that in a York Peppermint Patty without my lips, tongue and hands covered in a gross, viscous substance. And they make too many! Has anyone ever eaten all the candy canes they purchase each year? There must be landfills just overflowing with candy canes. If we could make fossil fuel out of leftover candy canes the world would be a better place.

9. The Nog Shortage: All holiday season everything is nog this and nog that. It’s hard to find a beverage that doesn’t offer a nog flavored option. (kind of like the Fall pumpkin influx) But, if you like nog you’re screwed about 8 weeks later. Apparently nog is such a rare and valuable commodity that it can only be offered for a limited time. I’m going to get rich by drilling a nog well in my backyard and then selling my nog at outrageous prices. I will also have a Nog Blog.

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8.  Holiday movies set in southern California: I hate them because the people in them always look so happy to go outside and hang lights on their palm trees. Jerks. They’re just flaunting their warm weather and lack of snow. If you want a holiday movie to make me happy, how about one where a bunch of So-Cal people are stranded in an avalanche in the Himalayas and they have to eat each other to survive.

iStockphoto.com/KonArt

iStockphoto.com/KonArt

7. More traffic: This one’s pretty obvious, but for cripes sake you idiots! Haven’t you heard of the internet? I don’t care how much I love someone, nobody is worth going to the mall for from now until mid-January.

6. Lazy Hollywood folksAll our regular shows go on hiatus and show re-runs for 8 weeks. Seriously? You people make billions off these shows and you only make 22 episodes a year? That’s only five and a half months of work! When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law stating that every television program is required to produce a holiday special and one other original episode during the months of December and January.

5.  Lines in every store ALL the time: Yes, this one’s pretty obvious. It’s just a good thing no one sells handguns as an impulse buy item at the checkouts. Then again, I don’t live in the south, they probably do there.

4. FrozenI don’t even have a young Disney Princess obsessed daughter and I’m sick and tired of this stupid movie. I’m sick of the songs and the pictures everywhere. I’ve never seen it and I don’t know what it’s about, but enough already! It’s just another Disney movie where the parents are dead right? I challenge Disney to make some movies where they don’t kill parents as a cheap emotional hook at the beginning.

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3.  Commercials: I’ve never walked out to my driveway or garage to find a car with a bow on it. I’ve seen some version of this commercial since I was a kid, completely setting me up with unrealistic expectations.  Look, Bill Gates, I know you and your wife donate millions to charitable causes, just once could you skip a few mosquito nets and vaccines and have a Lexus delivered to my driveway?

2. Religious differences: It’s hard to believe, but not every religion has their most important, most exciting holiday in December. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m passing a law stating that all religions have to have their biggest holiday at the same time so we can easily sort out the school schedules, sales, and work vacations, Makes sense doesn’t it? And just to show that I’m not Christianity-centric, let’s do it in July in the northern hemisphere and December in the southern hemisphere. That way no one has to deal with snow when traveling to see the relatives, unless you’re stupid enough to live where there’s always snow.

1. Santa Claus: And you thought they’re milking the Batman and Spider-Man characters for all their worth? St. Nick hasn’t changed in centuries! Jeez, get that guy a cape and some superpowers. How awesome would that be if he had a nemesis that was out trying to stop him from delivering presents. God has the devil, Batman has the Joker, why can’t Santa have a nemesis?

Please put your holiday pet peeves in the comments. As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor don’t be a Grinch and share it by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or reblog button below. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Funny Tweets!

A lot of people say “Twitter? I don’t get it.” Sometimes even Presidents don’t get it even WHEN they THINK they DO. If you’re a President, or just someone who wants to understand Twitter better, follow these ten funny people”

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! The Top Ten Scariest TV Shows

There’s nothing I enjoy more than being on the edge of my seat. I’m not talking horror or gore. I’m talking pure, can’t take your eyes off the screen, I can’t believe this is happening suspense. With the news that the early 90’s classic Twin Peaks would be returning next year with eighteen new episodes I began re-watching seasons 1 & 2 from 1990 and 1991. I also got to thinking about the best suspense TV shows I’ve watched. I’ve watched 8 of the 10 on the list and included the two others on reputation. This is a very subjective list, so if you have other suggestions I’d love to hear them.

Twilight Zone: This may be the original classic suspense show. I didn’t see it in it’s first run, but saw it later in re-runs. I fly fairly regularly for my job and I’m always tempted to yell ‘There’s a man on the wing!” If you get the reference, in the comments tell me what actor screamed it.

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The X-Files: A 90’s classic that returned to the small screen for a limited run last year. It was great in it’s time and improved as it grew in popularity. Not every episode was the perfect cocktail of suspense and disbelief, but it was often enough to make my list.

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American Gothic: Maybe I just like this because I have the painting on a tie. Which is more famous, the painting or the movie? Who heard of one but not the other? I didn’t see this show, but loved the title and heard others give it high praise. You win 50 points to spend in The Phil Factor gift shop if you can tell me, without looking it up, what artist did the famous painting.

LOST: Apparently I’m stuck in the 90’s. For one glorious season LOST was awesomely suspenseful and mysterious. Then the writers all seemed to lose their minds.

The Walking Dead: There’s just so many. So many zombies. Just the tiniest scratch. Any moment you could become one of them. Your group is getting picked off one by one. There could be one or one hundred around any corner. You just never know.

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American Horror Story: I haven’t watched this one. Yet. I plan to, but no one else in my family wants to see it, so I have to find some time to watch when no one is around. That’s the best time to watch scary stuff anyway, right?

In Search Of… Leonard Nimoy rest in peace.  This was a late 70’s-early 80’s show that was part documentary, part reality show where they tried to debunk paranormal phenomena. As a kid I wanted to watch but it always freaked me out.

Kingdom Hospital: Also known as Stephen King’s Kingdom Hospital. This was a one season series that was based on a Danish show.  Look it up on Netflix or Hulu. Completely creepy, suspenseful and weird. I loved it.

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Stranger Things: Check this one out on Netflix. It was a new series for 2016. There’s two 8 episode seasons out already. Season 3 will be out next summer.  This show set out to capture the aura of those cool, creepy 80’s Stephen King based movies and it succeeded brilliantly.

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Twin Peaks: As I said, I recently began re-watching the original series and it stands the test of time. It’s still awesomely creepy and weird. If you were a fan of the show and want to see a funny, hour-long spoof featuring many of the actors and actresses from the original look up the show Psych on Netflix and find the Dual Spires episode in 2010/5th season of the show. After you do that, go back and watch the entire Psych series from season 1. It’s brilliantly funny with a little suspense.

So what did I miss? What would you add to the list and what would you take away? Please give opinions and suggestions. I’d love some good, new or old shows to watch. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! The Ten Best TV Show Theme Songs Ever!

Thanks to the Netflix/Hulu era, everyone in every country can watch the popular TV shows from anywhere, so regardless of your home country, I hope you’ll know some of these. Although this is going to be a very United States centric list, I’d love to hear suggestions and maybe links in the comments to anything from anywhere else. This was the toughest Top Ten list that I’ve ever put together.

10. Scooby Doo: Yes, the cartoon theme song. I requested that this be played for my first dance at my wedding but  my bride Velma objected.

9. The Golden Girls: I can’t vouch for this because I never watched the show, but in a lot of other online lists this was included. I didn’t even listen to it when I added it to this list.

8. The Love Boat: Love, exciting and new. Climb aboard, we’re expecting you! When I was a kid I had very little realization that the entire show was about people trying to have sex on a cruise.

7. The Big Bang Theory: A masterpiece by the quick singing lyrical geniuses of The Barenaked Ladies.

6. Family Guy: How could you not sing along to this?

5. Mission Impossible: No lyrics, but iconic nonetheless. Who doesn’t feel some sort of pressure to get something done quickly when you hear this?

4. The Brady Bunch: All of them had hair of gold, like their mother.”  Who doesn’t know that line?

3. Friends: I hate to be the hipster guy who says “I knew this band before anyone heard of them”, but yeah, I had their album before the Friend’s theme song on cassette tape, so suck it losers.

2. The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: This is still Will Smith’s best work to date.

1. Cheers: Who doesn’t want a bar that feels like home where everyone knows your name?

That’s it. I feel like I needed to make this a Top 20 list to include all the worthy possibilities. What would you add to the list? What would you take off of it? My blogging friend Haylee recently did a great post about TV theme songs as well. You can check it out HERE

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! The Ten Worst Ideas For Top Ten Lists

10. The Top Ten Rashes Shaped Like Presidents

9. The Ten Most Horrific Diseases You Didn’t Know About

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8. Ten Ways Your Pets Might Kill You

7. The Ten Worst Ideas for Top Ten Lists

6. Ten Ways To Tell If Your Spouse Doesn’t Love You

5. The Ten Most Painful Things That Could Happen To You

4. Ten Reasons You’ll Never Really Find Happiness

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3. The Ten Most Unusual Bowel Movements Ever 

2. Ten Ways Your Children Will Disappoint You

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1. Ten Things Living Inside Your Body Right Now

So who wants me to actually look up and create lists for all of these? And which one would be the absolute worst for you to read? Or do you have another suggestion for the list? Have a great Tuesday everyone! ~Phil