Category Archives: Top Ten

Top Ten Tuesday! The Ten Worst Fortune Cookie Messages

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The other day I got a really lame fortune cookie fortune. It was something like “Don’t stick your arm in a wood chipper or you’ll be up in arms.” It got me thinking that not all fortunes are fortunate. Here are the ten worst fortune cookie fortunes:

10. That time that you thought no one saw you, someone did.

9. You should probably get that rash checked out. It’s worse than it seems.

8. Calm down. That girl in accounting flirts with everybody.

7. If you’re looking for wisdom in a fortune cookie you’re a moron.

6. You should probably brush up your resume’.

5. Your blog isn’t as funny as you think.

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4. Avoid nude beaches. Please. 

3. Don’t eat any Chinese food today. It will make you very ill. No, seriously, stay near a bathroom.

2. A bird in the hand will probably crap in your palm.

1. Don’t worry about the expiration date on your milk. Don’t ask how I know. I just do.

So what’s the best fortune you’ve ever gotten? Did you ever have any come true? Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

The Friday Poll! YOU Decide My Fate

OK, you may not be deciding my fate, but you can help decide the fate of one day of my blog. I typically have different features each day; Music Monday, Top Ten Tuesday, Wordless Wednesday, Throwback Thursday, and my Saturday flagship post.  I’ve got a new book coming out in the next few months and I’m already working on the sequel. My problem is time. I need more of it. Of all my weekly features, Top Ten Tuesday takes the most time. The posts may seem fun and frivolous, and even when they’re not all that voluminous, they require researching a topic and narrowing a list down to ten things, which  requires me to consider twenty options first.

That being said, at least for the next 6 months or so, I’d like to suspend Top Ten Tuesday. What to put in it’s place? That’s where you come in! Take the poll!

If you have thoughts or suggestions other than what is in the poll please leave a comments. Happy Friday! ~Phil

 

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Reasons I Won’t Date Taylor Swift

I won’t. I won’t do it. No matter how much she begs or how many songs she writes, I won’t date Taylor Swift. Here’s why:

10. If Taylor Swift married me and took my name, her name would be Taylor Taylor and that’s just ridiculous. But, if she took my first name as her married surname, her name would be Taylor Phil. I might consider letting her do that. It would be great fun at party introductions. “Hi, I’m Phil Taylor and this is my wife Taylor Phil.”

9. If she and I broke up with each other she’d write songs about it and I’d write blogs about it. Does the world really need that?

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8. The relationship would never work. She’d be jealous and insecure about my success. It would probably destroy her.

7. Mrs. Phil would probably kick both our asses , resulting in a lengthy and highly public trial, and I can’t go through that again.

6. Because of their well publicized feud over me, if I dated Taylor Swift I’d never get a shot with Katy Perry. (pause) Or would I?

Taylor & Katy in better times before they began fighting over me

Taylor & Katy in better times before they began fighting over me

5. She’s too tall. At 5’11’, she’s taller than me, and well… there’s all sorts of ways that would be awkward. Like at red carpet events for instance: “Hi Taylor. Melissa Rivers here from E! network. Oh wait, stop the camera. Why is your chauffeur still with you?”

4. I don’t want to get stuck supporting that one hit wonder in her old age when she’s lost her marginal good looks and blown all the money she made from that one song that did ok.

3. She’s attractive and all, but she’s no Kylie Minogue. (A little blatant pandering to my U.K. and Australian friends who’ve read this far. If you did, give me a quick shout out in the comments so I know that reference wasn’t in vain)

Kylie dailytelegraph.com.au

Kylie     dailytelegraph.com.au

2.   I’m a pretty forgiving guy, but not once has Taylor’s agent called me and asked if she could be interviewed on #ThePhilFactor. I don’t pursue. I’m the pursued.

1. Taylor may be able to rhyme some catchy lyrics, but from what I’ve heard she’s a snooze when it comes to conversation. Apparently Taylor isn’t all that swift.

As always, feel free to share with your favorite Taylor Swift fan by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. Have a great Tuesday!

Top Ten Tuesday! 10 Movies Someone Should Re-Make

Sometimes a modern re-make of a classic movie works (Cape Fear, 1991) and other times, not so much (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, 2005). This list is the ten movies I’d love to see a re-make of.

10. An American Werewolf in London (1981): When I saw this movie about 35 years ago, it was awesome and the special effects were incredible. Now, in comparison with today’s CGI world, it looks cheesy. Great story would be even better if the visual effects were from the 21st century.

9,8,& 7: Back to the Future Trilogy: In 1985 we saw in Back to The Future II what they thought the future would look like in 30 years (2015). Why not re-make the trilogy in current time and project into the past and future from now?

6. Big: A Tom Hanks classic about a kid who wishes to be grown up and gets his wish. (BTW, remember he’s at an amusement park when he makes his wish using a Zoltar machine? I’ve been to that park and I’m still the same size and age. Anyway, I propose that they re-make it, call it Little and have an adult wake up as their childhood self but with their adult mind. This is a no-brainer. Stick Zac Effron in it and call it a hit.

5. E.T.: In my updated version of the remake, E.T. returns 35 years later and finds Drew Barrymore now playing all grown up Gertie but with her own kids who save the alien. Are you kidding me? This idea is gold and it would get Drew out of the horrible Netflix show she’s currently making. (Santa Clarita Diet)

4. The Goonies: No plot twists here. Just remake it with better make up for Sloth.

3. Stand By Me: In the re-make all the original actors, except River Phoenix return to their hometown for the funeral of River’s character. After the funeral the guys decide to embark together on the same journey that bonded them together as kids, including the run on the bridge with a train coming. They learn how much they’ve changed and how much they’re still the same and they fondly remember their friend and that fateful summer. It’s a new Big Chill, kind of.

2. Casablanca: Surprised you with this one, didn’t I? A classic love story so much better than the insipid tripe that has passed for love stories over the last 30 years. I don’t, stick Clooney and J-Lo in this and you’d have a winner.

1. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off: Matthew Broderick returns to play Ferris Bueller in his 50’s taking a fake sick day off of work and trying not to get caught by the man. Again, this stuff writes itself and would still be a blockbuster today.

So, do you like my choices and my proposed updated plot lines? What other movies would you like to see re-made?

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! The Ten Punniest Business Names

If you’ve read my blog for any amount of time, it should come as no surprise that I like puns. A good pun is a form of the highest art. I find it wonderfully punny when a business has the sense of humor to pun their name. Here are the ten best I could find.  If you know of some funny ones in your local area please put them in the comments!

10. Amigone Funeral Home: At first it looks like a funeral home possibly owned by an Italian family, until you break the name down: Am I Gone? This is a chain of funeral homes in the Buffalo, NY area.

9. Fiddler Roofing: Brilliant and also in Buffalo.

 

8. Sure Lock Homes Locksmith: If this was in my town I’d always call them to install locks etc.

7. Lawn & Order Mowing Service: It’s too bad they’re in Nashville because I could really use these guys.

6. Jean Claude Van Man: Maybe the actor Jean Claude Van Dam has run into some hard times after his show biz career hit the skids.

5. Frying Nemo: A great lace to bring your kids after they see the movie.

4. Thai Tanic: when the food goes bad you get a sinking feeling in your stomach.

3. Brewed Awakening: My research uncovered at least 15 coffee shops with this name.

2. Florist Gump: I wonder if they deliver by running the flowers to your house.

1. Tequila Mockingbird: It’s literary and punny, so it gets to be no. 1 on my list.  

So which was your favorite? Do you know any good punny businesses in your area?

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! The Ten Worst Songs I’ve Ever Heard

Yes, The Beatles made my list. Read on to find out which song.These are the songs that make my brain want to seize and I hit the change station button on the first note. I apologize that many of these are over twenty years old. That’s the last time I listened to pop music because most of it is terrible.

10. Rick Astley- Never Gonna Give You Up: A song so bad that it became a joke to send your friends a link, tell them it’s something else and have them open it up to discover this piece of crap.

9. We are the World: A bunch of formerly good artists: Yes, I know it was done to raise money to feed the hungry or something, but I don’t care how hungry I am, this song will make me vomit.

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8. The Beatles:Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da: I don’t care that it’s The Beatles. This song is stupid. Nonsense lyrics are always bad. Just ask The Police.

7. Diesel: Sausalito Summer Nights: This might be the worst ever. If you don’t remember it, click on the video below and listen to about 30 seconds. This song should be used as torture for prisoners of war. I doubt that the United Nations would allow that.

6. Just a Friend: Biz Markie: This is the Sausalito Summer Nights for a new generation. A shout out to my friend Jim Bernheimer who gave me the idea for this when a character in his book played this on a loop to torture someone they were holding captive.

5. Come on Eileen: Dexy’s Midnight Runners: I’m pretty sure the band was saying “Come on Eileen, don’t leave. Our music isn’t that bad.” Yes guys,  it is.

4. Smoke on the Water: Deep Purple: Ugh. This three chord monstrosity has stood the test of time. I think it’s the first song every 10 year old learns at their first guitar lesson. You can’t go into a guitar store without hearing somebody playing it.

3. Stars are Blind: Paris Hilton: Do I really need to make any commentary for this?

2.  What Does The Fox Say: Ylvis: It may have been hilariously funny but it is a terrible piece of music. What the hell though. Those Norwegians need something to smile about.

1. Stone Temple Pilots: Plush: Where ya’ going with that mask I found? And I feel, and I feel. When the dogs begin to smell her, will she smell alone? WORST SONG LYRIC IN THE HISTORY OF PLANET EARTH.

If you have ideas or suggestions of songs that you find equally reprehensible please add them in the comments. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Reasons Cats Are Better Than Dogs

Last week I gave dogs and the dog people their due in the worlds oldest debate.  This week it’s the cats turn. Don’t worry, I have no plans to continue comparing animals.

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10. Cattitude: You’ve got to respect their aloofness. They’re not all needy like dogs. If you’re gone 5 minutes, a dog acts like you’ve returned from the Bataan Death March while your cat just checks his watch and goes back to sleep.

9. Pooping indoors: When it’s cold and snowy and my dog has got to go at 6 a.m. I have to take her out. My cat on the other hand is even more stealthy about his bowel movements than I am. Cats are the ultimate Poop at Home People.  Some cats can even poop on a toilet.

8.  Cats are never sick: My cat has been to the vet two times in three years. My dog? Dogs get ear infections as often as an 8 year old at summer camp.

7. Toonces: I don’t recall any Saturday Night Live skits about dogs, do you?

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6. Cats are natural ghost hunters: If there’s a ghost in your house cats will always spot them and either run away or follow the invisible-to-you spectre.  Dogs don’t have that kind of attention span, leaving you completely vulnerable to ghost attacks. (Thank you to Rene of Mind Chatter for that one)

5. Cats poop in a box: With dogs it could be anywhere in your yard and you have to find it like you’re in a disgusting Easter egg hunt.

4. Has anyone ever made a Broadway play called Dogs?

examiner.com

examiner.com

3. Cats will run around the house at full speed at 3 a.m. just to make sure you’re not sleeping too soundly.

2. Cats will ignore you until you’re ready to go to work or out to dinner; then they’ll rub against to you ensure that your clothes look like you rolled around in a fur factory. That’s how they say I love you.

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1. Cats are realists: If your plane goes down in the Andes mountains, your dog will either run down the mountain trying to find help, only to ultimately die of frostbite, or it will cuddle with you to leech away your body warmth so it could survive. A cat in that situation would start eating you before you were even dead.

That funny cat in the last picture looking like he’s surrendering to the authorities is my cat Brady. I’ve got a cat and dog, so I love both for different reasons and their interactions are always fun to watch. If you can think or any other funny reasons cats or dogs are better than the other feel free to add in the comments. Have a great Tuesday! ~ Phil