(Originally posted 4/19/14) You know how every now and then the people in Quebec start chattering about seceding from Canada and becoming their own country? I wonder why Pennsylvania doesn’t do that. Sometimes I also wonder why the United States doesn’t forcefully eject Pennsylvania from the union. Political commentator James Carville once famously said, “Pennsylvania is Philadelphia and Pittsburgh with Alabama in between.” Pretty funny. That guy should have a blog. Sadly though, his statement is an insult to Alabama.
Some Possibly True Facts about Pennsylvania:
50% of the population is Amish: I love the Amish for their craftsmanship and mysterious culture, but if any group of people should have their own country it’s them.
50% of the population carries guns all the time: This isn’t the Amish 50% either. The northern part of the state is so rural and backwoods that if they had a flag it would be red flannel. If your pick up truck doesn’t have a gun rack it won’t pass inspection.
50% of the population is drunk 100% of the time: According to Pennsylvania liquor laws, if you want to buy beer to take home to consume you must buy a case of 24. Considering how many people own guns in the state, that’s a scary thought. Also, you’d have to be drunk all the time to want to live in Pennsylvania. I think there’s probably lots of people who want to leave Pennsylvania but they’re too drunk to find their way out. How’s that for a quote. Take that James Carville.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a fireworks store. Thanks to all the beer, guns and fireworks there’s plenty of dead cats available. On the northern Pennsyltucky highways there’s a fireworks store every hundred yards. The hundred yards between them is filled with billboards telling you that there’s a fireworks store coming up. That’s right, you can’t buy a small amount of beer but you can buy enough fireworks to invade the Ukraine. Fortunately for us in neighboring states the Pennsylvania residents aren’t allowed to buy these fireworks themselves.
50% of the billboards are for other things: There’s also billboards, yes, literally billboards, for certain types of massage parlors. Is the reason there’s so many of these because people from Pennsylvania don’t want to sleep with other people from Pennsylvania? Possibly. Either way, it probably leads to less Pennsylvanians, which I don’t hear anyone complaining about.
So, based on all those facts, Pennsylvania seems rather… unique. If the United States was a family reunion Pennsylvania would be the weird uncle that you tell the young kids to stay away from. Truth be told though, I have some wonderful friends in Pennsylvania and when their probation is up I’m sure they’ll move. Sorry about this Pennsylvania. I was just kidding.
As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please share it by Facebook, Twitter, or reblogging. Unless you’re in Pennsylvania of course. I’m sure there’s some state law against it. Have a great weekend! ~Phil