Throwback Thursday! Lap Dances, Justin Bieber, and the Talking Heads

(05/24/14) This is one of those days when I woke up with no fully formed idea of what I was going to write about. Here are some of the ideas that were playing bumper cars in my brain:

1. Bryant McKinnie, a professional American football player, settled a lawsuit with a strip club in Miami for $150,000. What were they suing him for? Was it damage from a fight he was involved in at the club? No. Was it a bar tab he tried to skip out on? No again. He was sued for lap dances he received and did not pay for. Remember I said he settled the lawsuit for $150,000? The suit actually alleged that he owed $375,000. Let’s see, things I own that cost less than $375,000: my house, my car, umm…everything. I’m pretty sure that everything I own adds up to less than $375,000.

That is a lot of lap dances. Do you want to know how many? Let’s say at a swanky gentleman’s club a lap dance costs $50. I honestly have no idea, I swear. If Mr. McKinnie paid $50 per lap dance that equals 7500 lap dances! That’s twenty lap dances a day for a year, or one a day for twenty years! Or if each song that was lap danced to is about four minutes long, that’s about twenty days straight of non-stop lap dancing. My thought is perhaps he was charged extra for the lap dances because of the size of his lap. Bryant McKinnie is 6’8″ and over 350 pounds. That’s a whole lotta lap to be dancing on. Maybe they charged him by the acre.

My last question about this situation is for the strip club. What strip club let’s you run a tab for lap dances? No seriously, what club? Just kidding.


2. Justin Bieber: I heard Justin Bieber was arrested again last week for something. I don’t know what it was. I tried not to pay attention. I swore to myself it would be a long time before I sullied The Phil Factor with his name again. Then today when I went to look up his arrest I couldn’t find it because the internet seemed to be full of reports of a Twitter spat between his current girlfriend and his past girlfriend. Two thoughts on this: First, how does a loser like Justin Bieber even land two girlfriends? It’s a sad statement on the intelligence of American women. Secondly, I swear to you, my loyal friends and readers, that when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, my first act after being sworn in will be to deport Justin Bieber back to Canada. Sorry Canada. It’s either that or you take Bryant McKinnie off our hands.

3. Intelligent sports talk on social issues?: I’m a sports fan and I listen to sports talk radio shows. In the past month in the U.S. we’ve had an owner of a professional basketball team suspended from the league for life for racist comments his “girlfriend” recorded and sold to a news outlet. Then an openly gay American football player was drafted by a professional team. These topics have been discussed ad nauseum by the talking heads on sports radio for weeks. I thought to myself how great is it that people and programs usually talking about groin pulls are now talking about social issues? Then I realized we’ve got a bunch of sports dolts talking about social issues. That’s like having kindergartners talking about theoretical physics.

21 responses to “Throwback Thursday! Lap Dances, Justin Bieber, and the Talking Heads

  1. Oh, I thought you were going to talk about the band. Wrong talking heads! Have a nice day, sir:)

  2. Please keep Justin and we’ll take Bryant….He’s quieter.

    • Although this is a post from a year ago I could have posted it as a new one and I doubt anyone would have noticed. Justin is always in the new for something stupid.

  3. Old news is current news with some “celebrities.” Hooray on the Justin deport. Can we tar and feather him first.

  4. I like using all your ideas for one post….am very much with you on deporting Justin…doesn’t seem fair to foist him back on Canada, but then again, supposedly you reap what you sow, right?

  5. Great post, Phil!
    That’s a lotta lap dancin…my own math makes me wonder if it took several women to fulfill the needs of such a large lap.

  6. It is interesting that you were that interested in lap dancing that you took the time to figure that out.

    I think your calculations must be off due to failure of applying car wash methodology. You know:

    “Do you want the
    Down-and-Not-So-Dirty, the
    Wet-Spot-Free, the
    Slick-and-Shiny, or
    The Ultimate?”

    Different pricing for each. Then there’s the matter of whether he asked to have special attention put on his inflatables.

    Why don’t you write and ask him, and get back to us.

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