4 Ways To Fix Halloween


What? You didn’t know Halloween was broken? Then I feel sad for you. Oh so sad for you. You’re like a house cat that doesn’t dream of running free outside to chase the squirrels.

When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to fix Halloween. Here’s how:

1. The Return of Trick or Treating: Back in the 70’s and 80’s a bunch of psychopaths ruined Halloween for kids by putting razor blades and poison in candy. Now kids are stuck with “neighborhood parties” and trick or treating at the shopping mall. Special Halloween candy will now come in individual foil packets that can’t be opened and resealed and will only be sold on the day before and day of Halloween.


2. Adult Trick or Treating?: Kids will be allowed to trick or treat until 8:30 pm. Then from 9:00-whenever, adults get to trick or treat. Adults will go trick or treating in their neighborhoods too, but for drinks and appetizers. If you can’t have fun dressing up as an adult then just click out of this page and don’t come back.

3. Trick or Treating Hours: Hey parents of toddlers! Stop taking your kids trick or treating at 4:30 in the afternoon. Sheesh! Let me get home without having to dodge tiny Disney characters and superheroes already in my driveway. Maybe I’d like time to have dinner, get into costume, and fire up the spooky music and lights at my house. No trick or treating until 6:00 pm.


4. A New Date for Halloween: When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I will decree that Halloween will always occur on the first Friday of October. When you live kind of North it can get pretty chilly at the end of October and nothing ruins a good Halloween costume like having to put a coat on over or under it. Also, Halloween will stay on a Friday. That way everyone can wear costumes to work that day and people can have a nice party that night without having to get up early the next morning. Halloween on a Tuesday sucks.

When I was a kid Halloween was the best holiday, but now it’s a watered down p.c. version of what it was and it’s lost most of it’s fun. If you want to support my ideas and my bid for President, or Sexiest Man Alive, feel free to hit the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog buttons below. Have a very Happy Halloween! ~Phil

15 responses to “4 Ways To Fix Halloween

  1. Yay! Phil for President! But this lowly minion respectfully requests that Samhain remains on the same date 😉 Happy Halloween!

  2. I think I could be persuaded to like Hallowe’en again if number two were an option. And always on a Friday.

  3. Man, I just converted to your religion. If you can make number 2 happen I believe that would stop wars. And climate change, why not.

  4. That’s crazy! Who would put poison in candy?

  5. Mummies, counts, witches on brooms
    It’s just too hot for those costumes
    In L.A. hoping for a breeze
    and trick or treating when it’s ninety degrees!

  6. Phil for President! Yes adults should be allowed to go trick or treating so that they have a chance to dress up and eat sweets!

  7. Good ideas, especially having H’ween on Fridays. 🙂

  8. You have my vote for president, sir!

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