Therapists will tell you that to overcome trauma you have to be able to talk about it. This is my retelling of how I traumatized my son last February.
I said it. In the words of Ralphie, “I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the “F-dash-dash-dash” word!” It’s not news that I said it. It’s noteworthy because my son heard me say it for the first time in his life. He’s 17, so he wasn’t traumatized, but he was so surprised that he immediately went and told Mrs. Phil.
Hi. My name is Phil and I’m an effing swearer. It’s been my dirty little secret for years. I’m a fecking secret curser. Not cursor like on your computer, but curser like in a Quentin Tarantino film. I do it, and I’m not going to be ashamed anymore. (BTW, “fecking” was not a typo. In Ireland it’s a perfectly acceptable form of exclammation, so I’ll fecking use it whenever I want. You can just go feck off if you don’t like it!)
Me saying the F— word isn’t all that unusual for me, though most people who know me would probably be as surprised as my son. I’m a secret swearer. I say it when frustrated with effing traffic, but when I do I’m in my car alone. Heck, when I’m in my car and another driver does something so unfathomably stupid that it slows me down by four tenths of a second I will “work in profanity the way that other artists work in oils or clay.” I will enunciate so clearly and obviously that there is no doubt when the other driver looks in his rearview at me that he understands how displeased I am. Another time I effing swear is when I get frustrated assembling something that came with instructions that make no effing sense. That was the case this past weekend.
I said it when assembling an effing IKEA-like shelving unit. I’m fairly certain that IKEA is Latin for Satan. Needless to say, the holes didn’t line up and I couldn’t get the screws to go in right and I ended up being the one that was fecking screwed, and not in the good way. So I used the F— word. I’m not even sure how many times I used it or how creatively. I was completely not self-conscious because I wasn’t aware anyone was within earshot.
Like I said, my son is 17 years old and I actually heard him use the F— word in a song he wrote, long before he ever heard me use it, so as far as parenting goes, I’m pretty sure I deserve some sort of gold medal. But there never is that parenting gold medal is there?
What about swearing? Have you noticed that in our society, in the U.S., it’s becoming much more acceptable to the point that sometimes you will now hear the word “asshole” in a prime time show? Is it good that we’re becoming more effing liberal, or relaxed when it comes that s—t? Will the relaxation of the standards of what is acceptable have a deleterious effect on law and order in our effing society? I don’t know the answers to any of these questions. I’m just an effing humor blogger. What do you think, and would you like to see more effing swearing on my fecking blog?
As always, if you enjoy The Fecking Phil Factor, (that’s great alliteration, maybe I should make that a permanent part of the effing title) please share this sh-t by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog buttons below. Have a great effing weekend! ~Phil
Oh gosh. This was so funny! I recently read that intelligent people swear more. This made me pretty effing happy! 😉
LOL, I saw that article about intelligent people swearing more too. In general I don’t swear much except when I’m driving.
Good to know. As for me…I am working on swearing under my breath more- rather than audibly. 😉
I think I would explode if I didn’t swear! It just feels so good to spew profanity when you’re mad! This was hilarious! I think I was 30 when I dropped my first F-bomb in front of my parents. My mother was horrifed but my dad laughed his ass off! 😀
Uh, I’m a blatant swearer, so while I don’t mind effing and fecking, I’m irritated by the words you didn’t actually spell out. lol
I come from a long line of swearers and I wear my f-bombs like others wear the family crest 🙂
I’m only a big square when I’m driving my car. Outside of that you would barely hear an inappropriate word from me
A recent study showed the people who swear a lot are typically more intelligent, so you’re definitely one up on me in that department.
Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe you swear twice as much as I, but only when you’re alone 😉
I want to know what it is about getting behind the wheel that raises your IQ. (Do you take supplements while driving? I smell a f*cking HUGE marketing opportunity here, Phil. You could have smelled it, too, if you swore OUTside your car.)
I think I swear too much for a ‘lady’! Although, overall I don’t come out with it that often – video games are my downfall! But being unable to swear is kind of when I first started using part of my (now) blog name as an alternative.
Bobbins was my go-to word when in front of children and I needed to expel my frustration. It works in many scenarios but generally bobbins meant rubbish and was shortened to ‘Bob off’, ‘Oh BOBS!’ and ‘Bobbin ‘eck’. It was very confusing when I had a child by that name in the class…
There was just a study published recently saying that intelligent people swear more, so obviously you must be a genius.
With kids round I try not to curse
But with bad traffic it’s the worst
I curse without restraint of class
But hopefully I get a pass.
I’d don’t like the eff word and it seems to be becoming more common everywhere. I even say it myself sometimes when I’m angry – today! and I don’t like myself for resorting to it!
Well that’s just fecking ridiculous!
I’m kidding. I don’t use the F word very much either
Someone in my office uses it in every sentence – yuk!
My ex husband, who was a sailor in the Navy, used to get on me about my language. That should tell you something! 🙂
I’m good at swearing. Not as gifted as many of your earlier commenters, but I can hold my own. On my blog, however, I’m a goody two shoes, so being around me in real life might be shocking to some, encouraging to others. I say, let the F-bombs fly free.
I think it’s a good trend, because I’ve always thought people made too much of swearing in the first place. I find it odd that people can post the most heinous ideas in any comment section, but will be immediately booted for a 4-letter word (even if the word is used against the heinous ideas). It all seems so arbitrary to me… we have “nice” words and rude words for the exact same things, but we’ve collectively decided that these words we all made up are evil. It changes over time, across societies… maybe I’ve studied too many languages to see swear words as anything but colorful additions to our linguistic palette.
I speak as a reformed swearer myself. I used to swear like a sailor until I had toddlers running around who might start repeating what they hear, and I don’t want to start them off like that, even if I think the hoopla is a bit silly.
Colorful additions to our linguistic palette is a nice way to describe it. I’m not opposed to swearing in popular media if it’s appropriate and not just crude to be shocking.
Well, I think whenever anyone relies solely on shock value to seem interesting, it doesn’t say much for their creativity.
I suppose intent matters a lot. Violently swearing at nice little old ladies in church, or around toddlers, is a terrible idea.
Swearing among adults seems reasonable.
The nice thing about the F word is it can be used as a noun, adjective, and verb. If you are really good you use it as all in one sentence.
Well if swearing really is a sign of intelligence then I must be a f*cking genius! But honestly we could all practice a little more restraint where swearing is concerned.
And don’t get me started on auto-correct, it’s my mortal enema
Swearing provides a stress outlet. if it is used all the time, around all populations, it will no longer provide this. Don’t take my outlet away. You can curse in front of your kid, Phil. But if grandkids show up, Nix Nix! Nay Nay! Paw Paw!!
I’m not a Paw Paw yet! Don’t age me faster than I already am!
This was effing funny, Phil. 17 years? If your kid had grown up in my household, he could have doubled his allowance via the curse jar we used for my dad. We relished the moments someone cut him off in traffic, or when he’d hit his thumb with a hammer. We all knew a juicy swear word was on the tip of his tongue, and the anticipation was exhilarating. My mother would cry “Don!”, while his girls triumphantly said “jar”.
That’s funny. My family never had a swear jar. My dad swore occasionally but no I be else did. If there was a hidden camera in my car most people wouldn’t believe it was me. Once I was on a conference call with 40 people on Bluetooth in my car and someone cut me off and I forgot they could hear me and I let loose. That was awkward.
That is awkward but probably relatable to most of the people on the conference call. There are actually a lot of similarities between my dad and the dad from “A Christmas Story”. Is it ok if I use your post as a writing prompt? I’m feeling inspired.
Absolutely. Just please don’t think of me as the dad from Christmas Story. He seems way older than me.
I’m looking forward to reading all the shit you write about swearing.
I’m gonna write SO much shit about swearing! I’ve built it up now, so please lower your expectations. Lower,lower,lower. If you’ve arrived at zero we’re on the same page.
Oh no way. I’m writing a post write now telling all my followers to go read your swearing post. I’ve also tweeted about it and put it on my FB. No pressure though.
I came late to swearing. Now, I’d say I’m fairly gifted at it. I can swear in several languages which is handy and confuses the bleep out of listeners if you smile when you’re doing it. I don’t tend to swear AT people but think it’s fine if it’s humourous and, let’s face it, it can be. You were, up yonder ^^^. Ikea should perhaps include some Scandinavian expletives with their instructions and it could be deemed educational.
One thing I don’t like is hearing kids curse randomly in every sentence. And there is one swear I never use and still mortifies me to hear. Can’t tell you, though. It’s too feckin’ embarrassing.
I completely agree with your views on swearing. Outside of my car I swear about as often as I do on my blog.
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