Doctor Who Are You?

Dr. Who are you? Who, who, who who? If you don’t know that lyric then I don’t think we can be friends. Of course if you only know it as the theme song from CSI, then I have infinitely less respect for you. After the next paragraph, I may lose some of my readers from North America. If you stay, I promise to draw some parallels that will make this relevant.


The way I’ll make this relevant for my American readers is to say, you know how I’m always saying that I’ll do this or that “when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first…”? Well there’s another job opening I’d like to apply for. Doctor Who. The current Doctor, Peter Capaldi has announced that he is stepping out of the legendary role that he has occupied for three seasons.

For my American readers who are aren’t down with the Doctor, let me draw one of those parallels I mentioned. Being chosen to play The Doctor is like being chosen to host The Tonight Show or singing the national anthem at the Super Bowl. Let’s face it though, there aren’t any good parallels. Doctor Who, with the exception of a hiatus in the 90’s has run for 35 of the last 50 years. The character is more beloved in the U.K. than Harry Potter and Downton Abbey combined.

Ok. enough foreplay. Let’s get on with the blasphemy. I want to play The Doctor, and I’m going to actively campaign for it. This blog is my resume. Somebody forward this link to the BBC and I dare the casting director to read the last 12 years of #ThePhilFactor and not come to the conclusion that I’d be the perfect Doctor.


See? I’m a perfect fit. All of my British and Scottish readers either collectively just gasped or laughed. I’m hoping that at least one of you spit out your tea or choked on a Jammie dodger. What?!!? An American as The Doctor? Yes. It’s time and it would be a great source of humor as I fumbled and bumbled my way through language and customs faux pas.  First off, if the BBC decides to add me as The Doctor, the show would gain American viewership as all twelve of my blog followers would watch it. You would, right?

Let’s face it. You U.K. folks are so stodgy and set in your ways that virtually every Doctor over 35 series has been basically the same guy. A British/Scottish dude about 30-60 years old who tries to be madcap and whacky. It’s time to shake things up. Refresh Doctor Who before it gets as stale just as those dry ass crumpets you choke down with your precious tea.


Also, to make things palatable to my U.K. friends, although I am an American, my ancestry is all from the British Isles. I’m one of you, just without the funny accent. In fact, how about if I played The Doctor with a Brooklyn attitude and accent? Seriously, how fun would that be?

Yes, I know the rumors about the candidates to play the next Doctor. They’re all rubbish. Just some middle aged British bloke again. Snooze. I even have proof that British people love me. Seven years ago in a hotel bar in Rome I had a bunch of the staff from the Daily Mail buying me drinks all night. I honestly have no idea why, but they were digging them some Phil Factor action. Take that and stick it in your tea and crumpets!

Have a great Saturday! Pip pip cheerio! Allons-y! ~Phil 



20 responses to “Doctor Who Are You?

  1. Well you will have some serious competition from me. Let’s see, I’m Scottish, have ACTUALLY been inside the TARDIS – who would you put your money on lol. Anyway I’m pretty sure that the next Doctor will have to be a black lesbian in a wheelchair just to keep everybody happy 🙂

    • Rumor has it that the next Doctor Who is Kris Marshall. I put my money on it being a woman.

      • Don’t get me wrong, he would be good. As would Ben Wishaw. However, they would both just be the same ‘quirky’ or ‘pretty face’. It needs to be more about the story now rather than the actor in my humble opinion…

      • I agree. I think The Doctor works better with a lesser known actor with the charisma to pull it off

      • Defo. I think it will be a woman this time. Not sure why but I’ve always thought Jennifer Saunders would be good

  2. Who are you…who, who, who, who? Words of my youth! 😛 Good luck with your campaign! Rooting for you!

  3. 1. I love the Who, and I know the song from more than just CSI. 2. I love Doctor Who and think it should be mandatory in America. 3. This post was hilarious! 🙂

  4. I’m totally behind you
    As nominee for doctor who
    But for equal I’d respond
    A bit like being named as Bond.

  5. You have my vote. Dr. Phil Who. Or Dr. Who Phil.

  6. Well, I’ve started knitting a very long, striped scarf, just for you, that’s Who.

    • Awesome Yvonne! I’d be proud to wear it as The Doctor. The job of companion is open too and I’m taking applications. You just moved to the front of the line!

  7. Is it okay if I bring my Zimmer frame and cat? That’ll make for some interesting episodes.

  8. Let us Brits have this one thing Phil :'(

    Haha hope you’re doing good man

  9. Unfortunately it was deemed necessary to have both talent and alternative body parts; this time. Well that was you ruled right out sunny jim. In any case We would hear cries of “Dr WHAT! was that” as we with glazed eyes and dropped jaws struggled to comprehend the American vernacular.

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