I did it. I snuck on to the secret Amish internet and hacked into their version of Facebook. Here are some of the status updates I found:
10. Saw the English taking pictures of me. Holding my pitchfork I gave them the “my eyes are on you” sign. They handed me money. I think the father wet his pants. ~ Jedediah Gruber
9. Just charged an English $240 for a pair of “authentic Amish” Adirondack chairs that I bought at Walmart for $29. Morons. ~ Samuel Fisher
8. Jacob L. has the biggest “beard” I’ve ever seen. ~Miriam Zimmerman
7. I put a “Gluten Free” sign out on my farm stand today. Sold twice as many pumpkins. The English will buy anything that says gluten free. WTF is gluten? ~ Matthew Beiler
6. Two Mennonites walk into a bar. No they didn’t. They drove themselves there! LOL! ~ Abram Schwartz
5. I’m exhausted. I’ve been dying eggs brown to sell to the English all morning. BTW, Grade AA extra large eggs are just 99 cents a dozen at Costco. ~Sarah Jane Smith
6. Martin Zook is in the fields with Dravin Hilty and two others.
5. Isaac Miller shared Phil Taylor, Author’s post Top Ten Tuesday! Top Ten Amish Facebook Status Updates. Ha Ha! You guys have to read this. The English are complete assholes. At least this one is.
4. Hey everybody, I think the English are closing in on figuring out that we have our own internet. I bet we can sell them the idea that hay has gigabytes in it. ~ John Hershberger
3. Hey everybody! Come read my blog where I make fun of the English and their weird obsession with quilts. ~ Hannah King
2. Michael Zimmerman is in the barn with Levi the blacksmith and two others. Feeling melancholy :~)
1. Oh my God it is such a relief to get in the house and take this stupid fake beard off. ~ Joseph Stolzfus
BTW, if you were wondering why I used the phrase “the English” several times, it’s because that’s how the Amish refer to the rest of us, as if we’re all the same. The nerve of them! If you think your Amish friends would enjoy #ThePhilFactor please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog buttons below. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil