Yes, this is going to be humor about religion. If that’s not cup of tea feel free to click out now. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. With the recent Easter holiday there was a lot of talk about some guy named Jesus. I kid. Of course I know who he is. I was raised Catholic, so I heard a little bit about him as I was growing up.
Now that I’m a grown-up with independent thoughts that weren’t placed in my head by my parents, it occurred to me it’s possible that the Bible might be at least somewhat fictional. It also occurred to me that Jesus might not have really performed all the miracles that he’s given credit for. What if, Jesus wasn’t the son of God, but was really the worlds first great magician! It’s possible, right? Maybe the 12 disciples weren’t his followers, but were in fact his roadies, his stage crew that helped him pull off his incredible feats of magic that were later dubbed miracles.
2000 years ago people were stupid. They thought the Earth was flat. They’d believe anything. Think about the whole loaves and fishes thing. Jesus had five loaves of bread and two fish and he fed 5000 people? Seriously, how did that happen? So Jesus and his followers are at an outdoor music festival. I think the Rolling Stones were playing. (The miracle is that they’re still playing concerts now. How is 107 year old Keith Richards even still alive?) Jesus is working the food tent. He claims to only have the two fish and five loaves but people keep coming up asking for more food. How did he miraculously get more? In the story there’s no mention of Jesus waving his hands and people seeing the empty table suddenly filled with loaves and fishes. Imagine Jesus taking a table cloth and placing it over an empty table with a theatrical flourish. The disciples would sneak beneath the table and put more loaves and fishes on it through the trap door underneath. Jesus pulls the tablecloth away and abracadabra! There you go, more loaves and fishes!
Like most magicians, he also toyed with having a cute female assistant in a skimpy outfit. It’s not widely reported, but Jesus went through a phase where he would cut Mary Magdalene in half. Once she gained popularity, Jesus dismissed her and she went on to a very prosperous solo career.
What about healing lepers? How did he pull that off, right? What if they really weren’t lepers but instead were his disciples in stage makeup? Really, how many times over the last couple centuries have we as a society dismissed alleged faith healers as charlatans using plants in the audience and taking peoples money? Jesus was a road show but there was no Facebook to show pictures of the same lepers being healed at every stop, right? Back then Facebook was on stone tablets and the illustrations were iffy at best.
And the whole walking on water thing? How easy would that be to pull off? You show up at a town in the middle of the night when everyone is sleeping. The disciples build a dock but make it just below the water level. Folks wake up and see Jesus walking around on the lake. He comes ashore and offers loaves and fishes for everyone! It’s not like anyone was on the lake on a jet ski to figure out he wasn’t walking on water.
And come on, what about the whole thing about him being crucified and rising from the dead? Did they even know how to check a pulse back then? When he was allegedly dead they put him in a cave and he miraculously got out? Can you say Houdini? Was Jesus really the first escape artists magician?
Ironically, I also thought of Harry Potter, who is a great magician too. Remember ten years ago when the Harry Potter books & movies were at the height of their popularity? Religious zealots suggested that people shouldn’t read books about magic to their kids because magic was the work of Satan? Miracle or magic, aren’t they the same thing?
Have a great Saturday! I hope I didn’t ruin religion for you! Feel free to crucify me in the comments if you didn’t like this. ~Phil