Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, I’ve got some career advice for you…

Dear Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson,

Earlier this week I went to the movies to see It. I was tremendously relieved to see that you were not cast as Pennywise the Clown. If you were though, it wouldn’t have surprised me. While there though I did see a giant display for a new Jumanji movie, starring you, Kevin Hart, and Jack Black. Holy crap that is the worst collection of actors ever put together outside of The Fast and the Furious series. Oh yeah, that’s right, you’re in that too. There’s been so many sequels of that series that I mistake it for a TV series sometimes. In fact, I imagine that in the not too distant future in The Fast and the Furious 27 it will just be you and Vin Diesel racing your wheelchairs to the rest room at the old folks home.

Guess what? Β I can smell what The Rock is cooking and it stinks. What The Rock is cooking is a career where you will apparently do any movie offered to you and you’ve got an unexplainable love for remakes that shouldn’t be made. Earlier this year you and Zack Efron also ruined the classic Baywatch. I know David Hasselhoff and you’re no David Hasselhoff.

Dwayne, let me give you a little career advice. Drop out of sight for a year or two. Buy an island and hole up there with your family and don’t appear in public at all. Don’t show up to award shows, don’t do interviews, don’t engage in Twitter drama with anyone, and for cripes sake, don’t make any movies! Just spend two years being a mystery, an enigma. Don’t you want to be enigmatic? That’s a pretty god damn cool term and so few people ever get called that. Think about it, you’d go from being Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson to being “the enigmatic Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson .” In fact, if I’m your agent, I insist that you make that your legal name.

Don’t answer your phone. Don’t send texts except to let people know you’re alive. Do you know what the effect of this two year disappearance will be for you? One, people will think you’re enigmatic, and two, the demand for your services and the price you can charge for them will go through the roof. You’ve created a glut, a surplus of movies. When there’s a surplus of something, it becomes less valuable. Create a deficit and drive up the price.

Do you want more movies like that Tooth Fairy piece of crap? No, you don’t. If you continue on your current trajectory, you’ll make a hundred crappy movies. First it’s the tooth fairy, what’s next? The Easter Bunny? Disappear for two years and when The Enigmatic Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returns to the public eye he will be offered the sun and the moon and everything in between to make any movie of your choosing. Hell, if you’re lucky, I may even offer you a role in the movie adaptation of my new novel Time To Lie. Maybe. Just maybe.

So, in conclusion, here’s a song that I think perfectly captures what I’m trying to say here:

As always, if you enjoy my enigmatic ramblings, feel free to share them by hitting the Facebook or Twitter share buttons below. Have a great Saturday everybody! ~Phil

29 responses to “Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, I’ve got some career advice for you…

  1. Lol, poor Rock! I see what you mean though, he’s in danger of being more well known for bad movies. He does look rather fine on screen though πŸ˜‰

    • History is littered with lots of good looking actors who won’t be remembered for their acting. He’s about five minutes away from being in a daytime soap opera or Hallmark movie.

  2. Lol! You know what? My kids loved The Tooth Fairy.. I did too because it shut them up for 90 odd minutes!

  3. I think you might not enjoy this film…! It is fair enough to complain about weakly plotted movies depending on large names to get them through. We all recall Arnies’ Junior . Pregnant Terminator anyone???😨

  4. Can you imagine how much money he has? It pisses me off just thinking about it. I am proud to say I’ve never seen a movie with The Rock in it. Not one. Never.

  5. Kevin Hart? Jack Black? Amelia Pond? Those sound like Mrs Phil’s favorite people!! She is not impressed.

  6. I’m so with you. Dwayne needs to go back to WWE, get his ass kicked and disappear under the square circle lol

  7. I like him. I really like him. I bet he’d be nice to me if I saw him at a Starbucks. Maybe he won’t be DeNiro or Cheech Marin, but one can’t have everything.

    • You’re comparing De Niro and Cheech Marin? How are they similar? And how do the Rock and Cheech Marin end up in any group that has Robert DeNiro? And how do I join that group?

  8. Phil this is a master plan
    You’ll get no interference
    From me as you scheme to hasten
    The Rock’s disappearance.

  9. I can almost tolerate The Rock when he’s just playing a big dude doing stuff. But maaaan, he cannot act to save his life. Have you seen San Andreas? Pain by numbers emoting from the big fella.

  10. Obviously I meant to write “paint” but pain works also.

  11. I’ve never seen a film with the Rock in either. Do I get a prize?

  12. I can’t promise to ever take him seriously, but if he does this I can maybe stop thinking of him as the punchline to a joke I’m just not getting.

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