Dear Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson,
Earlier this week I went to the movies to see It. I was tremendously relieved to see that you were not cast as Pennywise the Clown. If you were though, it wouldn’t have surprised me. While there though I did see a giant display for a new Jumanji movie, starring you, Kevin Hart, and Jack Black. Holy crap that is the worst collection of actors ever put together outside of The Fast and the Furious series. Oh yeah, that’s right, you’re in that too. There’s been so many sequels of that series that I mistake it for a TV series sometimes. In fact, I imagine that in the not too distant future in The Fast and the Furious 27 it will just be you and Vin Diesel racing your wheelchairs to the rest room at the old folks home.
Guess what? I can smell what The Rock is cooking and it stinks. What The Rock is cooking is a career where you will apparently do any movie offered to you and you’ve got an unexplainable love for remakes that shouldn’t be made. Earlier this year you and Zack Efron also ruined the classic Baywatch. I know David Hasselhoff and you’re no David Hasselhoff.
Dwayne, let me give you a little career advice. Drop out of sight for a year or two. Buy an island and hole up there with your family and don’t appear in public at all. Don’t show up to award shows, don’t do interviews, don’t engage in Twitter drama with anyone, and for cripes sake, don’t make any movies! Just spend two years being a mystery, an enigma. Don’t you want to be enigmatic? That’s a pretty god damn cool term and so few people ever get called that. Think about it, you’d go from being Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson to being “the enigmatic Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson .” In fact, if I’m your agent, I insist that you make that your legal name.
Don’t answer your phone. Don’t send texts except to let people know you’re alive. Do you know what the effect of this two year disappearance will be for you? One, people will think you’re enigmatic, and two, the demand for your services and the price you can charge for them will go through the roof. You’ve created a glut, a surplus of movies. When there’s a surplus of something, it becomes less valuable. Create a deficit and drive up the price.
Do you want more movies like that Tooth Fairy piece of crap? No, you don’t. If you continue on your current trajectory, you’ll make a hundred crappy movies. First it’s the tooth fairy, what’s next? The Easter Bunny? Disappear for two years and when The Enigmatic Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returns to the public eye he will be offered the sun and the moon and everything in between to make any movie of your choosing. Hell, if you’re lucky, I may even offer you a role in the movie adaptation of my new novel Time To Lie. Maybe. Just maybe.
So, in conclusion, here’s a song that I think perfectly captures what I’m trying to say here:
As always, if you enjoy my enigmatic ramblings, feel free to share them by hitting the Facebook or Twitter share buttons below. Have a great Saturday everybody! ~Phil