Throwback Thursday! My Emotional Support Animal is a Gummy Bear

From the cinematic masterpiece Snakes on a Plane

(10/15/16) This post is going to make some people mad, but I’m going to write it anyway. Last week I had to travel by plane for work. As I sat in the terminal waiting for my plane to board I heard a meow. I look over and the woman sitting next to me had a cat in a small carrier. That’s fine. I like cats and it was in a carrier. But you know what, if that cat was going to be in the seat next to me meowing for the entire flight I might not be OK with that. Or how about this scenario:

According to an article from USA Today, Dr. Romie Mushtaq, who grew up amid farms in Danville, Ill., had already seen her share of pigs before one ambled into the Delta Air Lines gate area at Boston’s Logan airport. She recorded the scene like others who enjoyed seeing the pig snuffling oats off the floor — until the flight of business travelers headed to New York began boarding.

“All of a sudden, it wasn’t entertainment anymore,” she said. “Every other passenger on the flight, you could see jaws tensing up, people straightening their backs, especially people with an empty seat, thinking, ‘Oh, my goodness, am I going to be sitting next to this pig on a leash for the entire flight?’”

Mushtaq, a doctor based in Orlando, has prescribed dogs with training to anticipate seizures for epileptic patients. But after the pig encounter, she found no justification in peer-reviewed medical publications to justify other animals for emotional support.

Here is an actual list of animals that have been allowed on planes: dogs, cats, pigs, turkey, a miniature horse, a kangaroo, a boa constrictor, turtle and monkey. A turtle? Seriously? Who derives emotional comfort from a turtle?!!? It’s basically a painted rock. Look, I’m all in support of people being comforted by their pets, but a plane isn’t fecking Noah’s Ark. When I’m on a plane, I can barely tolerate the other people who act and smell badly enough already. Now you’re telling me that I have to tolerate the sounds and smells of a barnyard? I don’t think so.


If I’m in the cabin of a plane and any kind of animal poops on the floor, I want my money back. I’m not opposed to people having trained support animals, but an enclosed aluminum tube 30,000 feet in the air isn’t the place for them. And what if a fellow flier has an allergy to certain animals or kinds of fur? Does anyone ask that?

Most of these people are anxious flyers and petting their soft cuddly animal comforts them. Aww, that’s sweet. Your anxiety is relieved. What about your freaking animal who has no idea what the hell is going on? You think they’re anxious? That’s just what we need, a monkey having it’s own anxiety attack on a plane. You know what my emotional support animal is? An Ambien and a glass of wine! Go see your doctor like a normal person and get a sleeping pill or a Valium, knock yourself out for the flight and your anxiety will go way down.


Fortunately, this week the Federal Aviation Administration met to revise rules about service animals on flights. The results aren’t in, but here’s hoping that the new rule allows only stuffed animals on flights.

Have a great Saturday, and feel free to attack me in the comments section here! ~Phil

11 responses to “Throwback Thursday! My Emotional Support Animal is a Gummy Bear

  1. How can I say this politely . . .HAHAHAH I love this post!

  2. Karen Haynes pop

    I have to agree with you on this one. We recently traveled next to a woman with a dog in it’s little crate. The dog had it’s head out the whole flight. That was ok but I do think think it was supposed to happen. The dog was fine but if that woman had said one more time “He’s so smart” Jim, who was sitting next to her, would have throttled her.

    Plus I don’t think it takes much to get your animal designed as a service animal so they can fly free while we pay.

  3. Hmmm. I think some people (me, for instance) could benefit from having a therapy pony to ride up and down those narrow airplane aisles on long flights, when sitting still in those claustrophobic little seats becomes too overwhelming and anxiety-inducing… 😛

  4. I so agree with you, Phil. People who pass off their pet as a support animal ought to be grounded in favor of seeing-eye dogs and true guardians of health.

  5. I fly with my dog as an emotional support animal but I promise you she’s well behaved. I do know that a lot of emotional support animals are bullshit and people make up issues to get their pets on the plane. Each person is actually allowed up to three support animals. Are you so fucked up emotionally that one support animal just won’t do? Does your support animal need a support animal?

  6. So fucking hilarious, but I’m kind of disappointed that there were no actual gummy bears in this blog post. You know that only reason I read it was because I thought there would be gummy bears!

  7. I feel as though for people who need emotional support animals, it shouldn’t be judged. I am in the process of getting my dog signed as an emotional support animal because it was recommended by many professionals for me. Yes, people take advantage of it, but people in this world take advantage of everything. So, while it might be annoying, take a step back and look at the whole picture before we judge someone.

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