Tag Archives: flying humor

Reasons Why I Hate You on The Flight

1. You brought an unnecessary “service animal.” I get it. You’re anxious. Flying can be nerve wracking if you don’t do it a lot. If you’ve got a legit dog that can notify others if you’re having a seizure, I’m not talking to you. You’re good. If you have an emotional support animal, well that’s different. If you think that you’re anxious on a flight, imagine how your pet feels. You at least know what it is. They have no idea what’s going on and are probably terrified the whole time. Leave Fluffy home, get a xanax or two from your doc, order a glass of wine and go to sleep.

2. You need both arm rests: For some reason known only to airlines, unless you’re in first class, the seats are so close together that there are shared arm rests. Listen, I don’t care who you are, if I don’t know you, I don’t want my skin touching your skin for the next three hours. Don’t assume that both armrests are your domain. You’re not that fecking important.

3. Keep your shoes on: Hey Zen master, it’s nice that you like to make yourself at home on the plane, but keep your shoes on asshat. Bare feet are for the beach, not the 6:10 flight to Newark. You may love your foot stink in a small confined space with recycled air, but I don’t.

4. The “I can’t wait to get off the plane people.” The second the wheels touch the ground these impatient dolts spring from their seats, get their idiotically oversized bag out of the overhead compartment, hit at least two people as they get the bag to the floor, and then they stake their claim to a spot in the aisle right next to you and then stand there with their ass right next to your head for the next 15 minutes. Calm down Speedy, guess what? You’re not going anywhere until the twenty rows ahead of you get out of the plane.

That is all. Safe travels. So what people do you hate when you travel?

Have a great Sunday!~Phil

Throwback Thursday! My Emotional Support Animal is a Gummy Bear

From the cinematic masterpiece Snakes on a Plane

(10/15/16) This post is going to make some people mad, but I’m going to write it anyway. Last week I had to travel by plane for work. As I sat in the terminal waiting for my plane to board I heard a meow. I look over and the woman sitting next to me had a cat in a small carrier. That’s fine. I like cats and it was in a carrier. But you know what, if that cat was going to be in the seat next to me meowing for the entire flight I might not be OK with that. Or how about this scenario:

According to an article from USA Today, Dr. Romie Mushtaq, who grew up amid farms in Danville, Ill., had already seen her share of pigs before one ambled into the Delta Air Lines gate area at Boston’s Logan airport. She recorded the scene like others who enjoyed seeing the pig snuffling oats off the floor — until the flight of business travelers headed to New York began boarding.

“All of a sudden, it wasn’t entertainment anymore,” she said. “Every other passenger on the flight, you could see jaws tensing up, people straightening their backs, especially people with an empty seat, thinking, ‘Oh, my goodness, am I going to be sitting next to this pig on a leash for the entire flight?’”

Mushtaq, a doctor based in Orlando, has prescribed dogs with training to anticipate seizures for epileptic patients. But after the pig encounter, she found no justification in peer-reviewed medical publications to justify other animals for emotional support.

wcvb.com

wcvb.com

Here is an actual list of animals that have been allowed on planes: dogs, cats, pigs, turkey, a miniature horse, a kangaroo, a boa constrictor, turtle and monkey. A turtle? Seriously? Who derives emotional comfort from a turtle?!!? It’s basically a painted rock. Look, I’m all in support of people being comforted by their pets, but a plane isn’t fecking Noah’s Ark. When I’m on a plane, I can barely tolerate the other people who act and smell badly enough already. Now you’re telling me that I have to tolerate the sounds and smells of a barnyard? I don’t think so.

p1010065

If I’m in the cabin of a plane and any kind of animal poops on the floor, I want my money back. I’m not opposed to people having trained support animals, but an enclosed aluminum tube 30,000 feet in the air isn’t the place for them. And what if a fellow flier has an allergy to certain animals or kinds of fur? Does anyone ask that?

Most of these people are anxious flyers and petting their soft cuddly animal comforts them. Aww, that’s sweet. Your anxiety is relieved. What about your freaking animal who has no idea what the hell is going on? You think they’re anxious? That’s just what we need, a monkey having it’s own anxiety attack on a plane. You know what my emotional support animal is? An Ambien and a glass of wine! Go see your doctor like a normal person and get a sleeping pill or a Valium, knock yourself out for the flight and your anxiety will go way down.

therapyturkey_320_1_20160118081031

Fortunately, this week the Federal Aviation Administration met to revise rules about service animals on flights. The results aren’t in, but here’s hoping that the new rule allows only stuffed animals on flights.

Have a great Saturday, and feel free to attack me in the comments section here! ~Phil

Ten Things Airlines Should Change

I’m traveling this week, and it’s hard not to notice how some airlines have stripped down the comforts of flying to save money. On some airlines it’s so bad  that I’m surprised the seats aren’t just lawn furniture duct taped to the floor. Obviously when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going pass laws mandating minimum standards of comfort on flights. Here are The Top Ten Things Airlines Should Change:

1. Heated massage seats: Seriously, how great would this be?

2. When boarding the passengers, fill the plane from back to front: This would prevent people from walking down the aisle hitting all the other passengers with their ridiculously oversized “carry on” and from preventing you from getting to your seat while they clog the aisle like a piece of human cholesterol (the bad kind) trying to jam their bag in the overhead compartment. And you first class people can stop your whining now. Whether you get on first or last the plane still leaves at the same time.

3. Have the pilot mix in a loop de loop now and then: Flights are boring. This would spice things up a bit. Hello passengers, please fasten your seat belts and put your hand on top of your drinks.. My co-pilot Bucky just bet me ten dollars that I can’t get this thing to do a barrel roll. 

4. Just let us roll down the window a little bit: There’s nothing worse than sitting next to the farty passenger in the stale, stagnant, recycled air. Sometimes I want to pull down the oxygen mask just to get a fresh breath. We’d only need to roll down the windows a little. They could put a lock on them so we can’t put them down far enough to get our heads out. (who just pictured being in a plane with your head out the window like a dog?)

5. Themed Flights: Just like themed cruises. Costumes, music, Disney characters, whatever. Hooters flights, why not?

6. A USB charging port at every seat: This is the biggest no-brainer ever. I know some airlines have it, but shouldn’t it be mandatory every where?

7. A Shoes on policy: I don’t care what you’re reason is, no one should take their shoes off on a flight. It’s not a beach and I don’t need to see or smell your feet.

8. McDonald’s food on board: Or any decent baseline food that most people can recognize or accept. Airline food is not acceptable and under the Geneva Convention of 1949 qualifies as cruel and unusual punishment.

9. The flight attendants should have sedatives: Not for anxious passengers, but for obnoxious ones. The flight attendants could release it remotely through those little blowers above each seat and the annoying passenger would doze off for the rest of the flight not even knowing why.

10. What’s Your Seat Wheel! All seats, including first class, will be determined by a spin of the wheel at the gate. How fun would that be? There will also be a mystery celebrity on board every flight and the seat next to them is also on the wheel. Congratulations! You didn’t get first class, but you do get to sit next to Dustin Diamond!

abcnews.go.com

abcnews.go.com

If you enjoyed what you read at #ThePhilFactor today please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or reblog buttons below. And if you know where the joke picture between #6 and #7 came from, say so in the comments. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

#PHIL2020

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Things Airlines Should Change

I’m traveling for work this week and will be spending too much time inside airplanes. This post is actually a re-run because I’m too busy to put the time in to craft a new coherent Top Ten list. Also, the time change is screwing me up. I’m 6 hours behind my home time and for the people in the U.K., they’re 12 hours ahead of me. I’ll be surprised if anyone reads this. The first time through, this was very popular and elicited a lot of suggestions from comments about what the readers would like to see airlines change. Feel free to chip in with your two cents.

Airphil Express Banner

It’s hard not to notice how some airlines have stripped down the comforts of flying to save money. On some airlines it’s so bad  that I’m surprised the seats aren’t just lawn furniture duct taped to the floor. Obviously when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going pass laws mandating minimum standards of comfort on flights. Here are The Top Ten Things Airlines Should Change:

1. Heated massage seats: Seriously, how great would this be?

2. When boarding the passengers, fill the plane from back to front: This would prevent people from walking down the aisle hitting all the other passengers with their ridiculously oversized “carry on” and from preventing you from getting to your seat while they clog the aisle like a piece of human cholesterol (the bad kind) trying to jam their bag in the overhead compartment. And you first class people can stop your whining now. Whether you get on first or last the plane still leaves at the same time.

3. Have the pilot mix in a loop de loop now and then: Flights are boring. This would spice things up a bit. Hello passengers, please fasten your seat belts and put your hand on top of your drinks.. My co-pilot Bucky just bet me ten dollars that I can’t get this thing to do a barrel roll. 

4. Just let us roll down the window a little bit: There’s nothing worse than sitting next to the farty passenger in the stale, stagnant, recycled air. Sometimes I want to pull down the oxygen mask just to get a fresh breath. We’d only need to roll down the windows a little. They could put a lock on them so we can’t put them down far enough to get our heads out. (who just pictured being in a plane with your head out the window like a dog?)

5. Themed Flights: Just like themed cruises. Costumes, music, Disney characters, whatever. Hooters flights, why not?

6. A USB charging port at every seat: This is the biggest no-brainer ever.

7. A Shoes on policy: I don’t care what you’re reason is, no one should take their shoes off on a flight. It’s not a beach and I don’t need to see or smell your feet.

8. McDonald’s food on board: Or any decent baseline food that most people can recognize or accept. Airline food is not acceptable and under the Geneva Convention of 1949 qualifies as cruel and unusual punishment.

9. The flight attendants should have sedatives: Not for anxious passengers, but for obnoxious ones. The flight attendants could release it remotely through those little blowers above each seat and the annoying passenger would doze off for the rest of the flight not even knowing why.

10. What’s Your Seat Wheel! All seats, including first class, will be determined by a spin of the wheel at the gate. How fun would that be? There will also be a mystery celebrity on board every flight and the seat next to them is also on the wheel. Congratulations! You didn’t get first class, but you do get to sit next to Dustin Diamond!

abcnews.go.com

abcnews.go.com

If you enjoyed what you read at #ThePhilFactor today please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or reblog buttons below. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil