Was It One of “Those” Massages?

This past week I had my first professional massage. I’ve had a handful of ten minute chair massages over the years but never a full lay on the table massage. People that know me in real life will tell you, if there’s anyone in this world that needs to relax, it’s me. I was completely unprepared for the experience.

I went into the men’s locker room of the spa and was handed a robe to put on. A giant robe. A robe that Andre the Giant might have worn. Considering that it was a re-used spa robe, it’s possible that Andre the Giant actually did wear it. I looked like a kid trying on his Dad’s clothes.

First, my massage was thirty minutes later than it was scheduled, so being annoyed by that, I worked up a little extra tension right off the bat.

Never having had a massage before, and being certain that my glutes were as relaxed as they needed to be I left my underwear and athletic shorts on. When I got to the room she asked me to lay down on the table and put my face in what looked like a hemorrhoid doughnut at the end of the table. Even though it had a little disposable cover that was allegedly replaced after each massage, I couldn’t help but wonder how many sweaty faces with ringworm had been in that before me.

Then she tells me, “Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth.” I’m thinking, “I’m pretty sure I don’t need breathing instructions. I’ve been doing it pretty successfully for my whole life.” Of course later, some aroma in the room disagreed with me and my allergies acted up and I was all stuffy and could barely breathe with my face in that stupid little ring. Then I was thinking, “Oh my God! I’m going to die of suffocation during my massage!” It also occurred to me that she might be a witch and knew my sarcastic thought about her breathing comment and was exacting revenge. I’m pretty sure that’s what happened.

Anyone remember the Seinfeld episode where George got a massage by a male message therapist and was horrified during the massage because “it moved”? I had a female massage therapist and it didn’t move.

Another worry that went through my head was the issue of farting. That was really my biggest fear. What if I got so relaxed that well, one slipped out? I especially feared that when she pulled my shorts and underwear down a bit to work on my upper glutes. I’m not sure if upper glutes is the right term, but I’m also sure that despite my work at the gym, I don’t have both upper and lower glutes, yet. I was worried that while she was massaging my upper glutes and hips that she would squeeze one out of me. As much as I know that would make for a funny story, fortunately I had laid off the dairy for a full 24 hours prior.

Then she also massaged my scalp. That really annoyed me. Despite how tightly wound I am, I’m pretty sure that my hair does not get tense. My only thought was that she was completely messing up my hair.

To answer the title question, no it wasn’t one of “those massages and all in all I enjoyed it and would do it again.

Later in the week I also went to a casino. I’ve only gambled in a casino once before and that was at five in the morning and I was almost the only customer there. This time it was full on 2 a.m. gambling at a table with other gamblers. I was not their favorite. As I said, I’m not an experienced gambler, so at the blackjack table some of my choices would elicit shouts of “No!” or “What are you doing?” And, much to the joy of the experienced gamblers, I would shout “Yahtzee!” every time I won a hand. I found that tremendously funny. My playing partners probably not, but I didn’t care.

If you haven’t voted for me for Funniest Blogger for the Annual Bloggers Bash Awards, you can do so by going HEREHave a great Saturday! ~Phil

22 responses to “Was It One of “Those” Massages?

  1. Now THAT is what I needed to start my Saturday off right……lol….lol….!!!!! HYSTERICAL!!!!!! Having had a handful of massages over the years, I can totally relate to ALL of your thoughts and concerns…….especially the “sweaty faces with ringworm” one…….lol…lol…..of course I’m a rather germaphobic nurse so that’s pretty much in my DNA anyway…lol. Thanks for the belly laugh Phil!!!!!!! 🙂

  2. Hahahah!! It’s like massages do the exact opposite of what they’re supposed to, getting people on super-alert mode.Let’s be happy she didn’t squeeze one out of you!

  3. Oh no, it’s a mirage, I’m tellin’ all of y’all it’s a massage!

  4. I have never had a Massage for the reasons you outline here. I have been at a blackjack table with someone who reminded me of you. Lucky the casino took my Colt peacemaker when I came in.

  5. I am very amused by this post, Phil. I am not a big fan of massages and I don’t like my head being massaged as it puts oil in my hair. I don’t mind it at the hairdresser when it is part of the hair washing.

  6. That was fun!!! 🙂 🙂

  7. Love massages. Yoga is worse for the farting thing. All those downward dogs. Ha!

  8. I am the kind of person who would get a daily massage if I could afford it. Usually, if you leave any item of clothing on they see it as a barrier that cannot be crossed, so I’m surprised your therapist moved the shorts a bit. Leaving clothing on indicates you’re not comfortable so therapists tend to honor that and don’t massage areas that you’ve kept covered. I hate when my hair gets messed up, but do love a good scalp massage.

  9. Thanks Phil, now I have one more thing to obsess about the next time I get a massage. I never thought about an escaping fart! I actually laughed out loud with that one.

  10. Haha. I LOVE massages. Thank God, I don’t have to worry about “things moving”.

  11. Massages are nice. I always get so demanding. sort of like the cat.

  12. I understand this completely. It’s a different experience for everyone. The fear of farting, being exposed, anxiety ridden. It’s all normal. Being a licensed massage therapist myself, there were a couple of things that made me cringe from a professional stand point. Sounded like they just focused on areas that you didn’t want. Lol but good thing you had humor with it.

Leave a Reply