Yes, it’s that time of year! Put away all those Halloween decorations, grab a cup of hot cocoa and settle in for the two best holiday traditions: Hallmark movies and my annual blog making fun of them.
Christmas season, you say? No, Christmas is just a secondary annoyance. To all the people born with at least one romantic bone in their body and a high tolerance for mediocre acting, November is the most wonderful time of the year. It’s Hallmark Christmas movie time! Or as Lacey Chabert, Dean Cain and Candace Cameron Bure call it, “The only time we make any money.”
One thing I do appreciate about Hallmark this year is that they’ve tried to change things by adding Mistletoe Murders. Geez Hallmark, could you possibly be more opportunistic? Who wants murders during the holiday season?
I inadvertently see several Hallmark Christmas movies every year. I couldn’t help but notice that each unique Hallmark Christmas movie has the exact same plot as every other Hallmark movie. To save you from having to watch all the movies, here’s how it goes:
A guy or gal who left home several years ago is very successful at some high falutin’ job in a big city somewhere, then comes back to their small-town USA hometown for Thanksgiving or a funeral. Oh no! Their family’s business is failing! Or maybe beloved Uncle Walt passed away, and they’re going to lose the farm! What? The only way they can save the farm, family business, or special hometown festival is if the impossibly attractive person stays longer than they planned. Maybe until Christmas! I can’t believe it. What are the chances of that?!!?
Or it goes like this: A successful and attractive returning guy or gal runs into the sister or brother of a friend they knew in high school. He or she “was just a kid back then” but now they’re “all grown up” and they’ve really blossomed into a hunk or a hottie. At first, they may not like each other, but everyone else can see the obvious chemistry. Despite the fact that they annoy each other, they have to work together to save the business, ranch, town or whatever. There’s always something that needs saving.
Of course it ends inevitably leading to a playful snowball fight between the two in the town square where they will tumble into a pile of egregiously fake snow and look longingly into each other’s eyes.
Ugh. Those movies are so fake sugary, saccharin sweet that they should have a disclaimer warning diabetics not to watch them. Really, I’m not a Grinch. I love the holidays and I mock them because I love them. Just like you. Sadly though, Hallmark is now charging over and above your regular subscription for you to watch their holiday movies. See that “START FREE TRIAL” in the pic above? Yep. You can’t enjoy anything unless someone else is taking your money for it. Now I do feel like a Grinch.
