Tag Archives: Ryan Lochte humor

What Would Ryan Lochte Do?


How many of you are were aware that the title of this post is the name of a reality TV show that was on E! for 8 episodes in 2013? Apparently we now know the answer. Ryan Lochte would choose to embarrass his country rather than take responsibility for his drunken actions.

Like many world class athletes, Ryan has spent his whole life honing his body for competition while leaving his mind and maturity on the sidelines. Are there sidelines in swimming? I can’t say he left them on the shore because he swims in a pool. Is the place you stand next to the pool a shore?

“I just love standing out there, just doing something different, just being like where someone sees me, they’re like there goes Ryan”

I’m pretty sure the Brazilian police saw the surveillance video and said ‘There goes Ryan.” Like the criminal mastermind that Ryan Lochte obviously is, he dyed his hair silver the day before his crime so that he’d be more recognizable.


Ryan Lochte very obviously wants to be famous for being famous. Well, congratulations Ryan, you are now more famous for a drunk night in Rio than you’ve ever been for your swimming, your show or your Polo ads. Apparently what happens in Rio doesn’t stay in Rio. Then again, neither does Ryan. He literally fled the country like a fugitive. I’m pretty sure the TSA agents at the airport in the States debated whether or not to let him back in.

“At the start of the day I remind myself, my toughest opponent is in the mirror.”~ Ryan Lochte

Like I said to Michael Phelps last week; you’re 32 years old, stop playing in the pool and grow up and get a real job like the real adult you should be by now. So what does Ryan do now? At his age, his competitive swimming career is over. His life of crime has already been a failure. I’m pretty sure that Polo is already considering gold medal winning decathlete Ashton Eaton as their next model. Hmm… you live in the United States, you’re semi-talented but think that you’re a bigger celebrity than you really are, and you’re unemployed. Obviously he’s got to marry a Kardashian. I think Khloe and Kourtney are currently available.


Seriously, if you take away his Olympic medals, what have you got left? A good looking asshat with no useful skills and a criminal record in a foreign country. I see a run for President in his future. What’s great about this post is that in the future when Ryan commits another act of public stupidity I can re-post this and get a bunch more views.

Have a great Saturday everybody! ~Phil