What Would Ryan Lochte Do?


How many of you are were aware that the title of this post is the name of a reality TV show that was on E! for 8 episodes in 2013? Apparently we now know the answer. Ryan Lochte would choose to embarrass his country rather than take responsibility for his drunken actions.

Like many world class athletes, Ryan has spent his whole life honing his body for competition while leaving his mind and maturity on the sidelines. Are there sidelines in swimming? I can’t say he left them on the shore because he swims in a pool. Is the place you stand next to the pool a shore?

“I just love standing out there, just doing something different, just being like where someone sees me, they’re like there goes Ryan”

I’m pretty sure the Brazilian police saw the surveillance video and said ‘There goes Ryan.” Like the criminal mastermind that Ryan Lochte obviously is, he dyed his hair silver the day before his crime so that he’d be more recognizable.


Ryan Lochte very obviously wants to be famous for being famous. Well, congratulations Ryan, you are now more famous for a drunk night in Rio than you’ve ever been for your swimming, your show or your Polo ads. Apparently what happens in Rio doesn’t stay in Rio. Then again, neither does Ryan. He literally fled the country like a fugitive. I’m pretty sure the TSA agents at the airport in the States debated whether or not to let him back in.

“At the start of the day I remind myself, my toughest opponent is in the mirror.”~ Ryan Lochte

Like I said to Michael Phelps last week; you’re 32 years old, stop playing in the pool and grow up and get a real job like the real adult you should be by now. So what does Ryan do now? At his age, his competitive swimming career is over. His life of crime has already been a failure. I’m pretty sure that Polo is already considering gold medal winning decathlete Ashton Eaton as their next model. Hmm… you live in the United States, you’re semi-talented but think that you’re a bigger celebrity than you really are, and you’re unemployed. Obviously he’s got to marry a Kardashian. I think Khloe and Kourtney are currently available.


Seriously, if you take away his Olympic medals, what have you got left? A good looking asshat with no useful skills and a criminal record in a foreign country. I see a run for President in his future. What’s great about this post is that in the future when Ryan commits another act of public stupidity I can re-post this and get a bunch more views.

Have a great Saturday everybody! ~Phil

16 responses to “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?

  1. Excellent Phil! Love the shark week reminder. Could he be extradited for this?

  2. “Apparently what happens in Rio doesn’t stay in Rio. Then again, neither does Ryan.”

    Oh, snap.

    Hmm…flagrant narcissism, proven escape artist, shaky moral compass, experienced liar. I hear the Trump campaign is taking applications.

  3. Clearly he didn’t think things through
    But still we can’t discount it
    I’d rhyme something with his last name
    if I knew how to pronounce it.

  4. Have they stripped him of his medals? They should take them off the lot of them, even if one of them did pay the ransom fee to get his passport back (which I doubt very much goes to charity, more likely a corrupt Brazilian cop running a drug ring). Ooh, I sound so stereotypical and bitter… But it was disgraceful. Don’t think we really have any GB lot that are liabilities. Just Wiggins and his unpatriotic tongue!

  5. What a dope. Nice evisceration.

  6. And who is this Ryan Lochte that you speak of? ;). Great post Phil!

    • Thanks Sam! Coincidentally enough, I live very close to his hometown (was just there Friday for work) so I hope he doesn’t see this, find me, and start a fight.

      • Welcome! Yikes. Erm…just dont make eye contact with him. But if you do see him and he starts a fight….just call me and we can fight him together. This is probably the only thing that could tear me away from Netflix…giving RL a beat down. 😉

  7. Lol
    Your zingers killed me!
    I never watched the show though

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