Tag Archives: Ryan Lochte

Dirty Dancing With The Stars?

usmagazine.com

usmagazine.com

To be honest, I’ve never watched an episode, but then again, when has having only half-assed knowledge of anything stopped me from making fun of it? I was first going to write one of my Pop Culture Commando posts where I hit on several trending pop culture topics, but…

usmagazine.com

usmagazine.com

But then protesters stormed the DWTS stage during a taping to protest the participation of Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte, who is more famous for drunkenly vandalizing a gas station bathroom and lying about it than he is for anything else. As much as I’d like to mock Ryan Lochte some more, I have to say, really protesters? Ryan Lochte? This is what your life has come to? You’re apparently OK with racism, terrorism, Trump and Hillary, Brexit, and human trafficking, but Ryan Lochte lying about kicking in a mini-mart bathroom door has put you over the edge? 

bismarcktribune.com

bismarcktribune.com

Like I said, I was just going to hit on several pop culture topics today, but then I read the cast list for this seasons DWTS and my jaw dropped. Maureen McCormick (Marcia Brady) and Vanilla Ice! Are you kidding me? That is kitschy television gold right there! And Ryan Lochte? And about a dozen people I may never had heard of, including Laurie Hernandez who “burst onto the Senior Elite gymnastics scene in 2016…”  First of all, I had no idea there was a Senior Elite gymnastics scene! I’m imagining a scene like the opening of Fame where the group of kids are dancing in the street, except it’s old ladies with walkers slowly trying to do a somersault on the ground without breaking a hip. What does Senior Elite gymnastics scene even mean? Was she best at Jazzercise at her local gym? Before Laurie Hernandez finds me and kicks my ass, I will say that she is definitely not a geriatric and is attractive enough to distract me from my Maureen McCormick love for the few minutes she’s on the screen. Here’s a picture of Laurie:

She does not look very senior does she?

She does not look very senior does she?

Marcia, Marcia Marcia! That’s obviously what DWTS is all about this year. I don’t know how many of you in other countries are aware of The Brady Bunch, but when I was just a lad too young to know manly things, I did know that Marcia Brady was smokin’ hot. Had things turned out differently and the show had hired me instead of Robbie Rist to play Cousin Oliver, Marcia and I might be married right now. And, if I were to be into dudes my man-crush would be Vanilla Ice. And DWTS has put him in the cast too!

Picture credit: sodahead.com

Picture credit: sodahead.com

Here is where I’d like to add some Phil to DWTS: What if DWTS wasn’t a show about celebs pairing up with professional dance instructors to compete? What if it was celebs pairing up with each other with no professional instruction at all? How hilarious would it be to see these idiots stumble and fumble through a waltz like the rest of us drunk at a wedding reception? Even better would be to get the celebs drunk before they dance! Obviously, the pinnacle of the show this year would be if Vanilla Ice sprains an ankle and they tab a certain humor blogger as his replacement to dance with Maureen. I would SO do the Dirty Dancing scene where she jumps and I hold her over my head.

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Go ahead, picture that but with me and Marcia Brady…Nobody puts Philly in a corner.

Have a great Saturday everyone! ~Phil

What Would Ryan Lochte Do?

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How many of you are were aware that the title of this post is the name of a reality TV show that was on E! for 8 episodes in 2013? Apparently we now know the answer. Ryan Lochte would choose to embarrass his country rather than take responsibility for his drunken actions.

Like many world class athletes, Ryan has spent his whole life honing his body for competition while leaving his mind and maturity on the sidelines. Are there sidelines in swimming? I can’t say he left them on the shore because he swims in a pool. Is the place you stand next to the pool a shore?

“I just love standing out there, just doing something different, just being like where someone sees me, they’re like there goes Ryan”

I’m pretty sure the Brazilian police saw the surveillance video and said ‘There goes Ryan.” Like the criminal mastermind that Ryan Lochte obviously is, he dyed his hair silver the day before his crime so that he’d be more recognizable.

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Ryan Lochte very obviously wants to be famous for being famous. Well, congratulations Ryan, you are now more famous for a drunk night in Rio than you’ve ever been for your swimming, your show or your Polo ads. Apparently what happens in Rio doesn’t stay in Rio. Then again, neither does Ryan. He literally fled the country like a fugitive. I’m pretty sure the TSA agents at the airport in the States debated whether or not to let him back in.

“At the start of the day I remind myself, my toughest opponent is in the mirror.”~ Ryan Lochte

Like I said to Michael Phelps last week; you’re 32 years old, stop playing in the pool and grow up and get a real job like the real adult you should be by now. So what does Ryan do now? At his age, his competitive swimming career is over. His life of crime has already been a failure. I’m pretty sure that Polo is already considering gold medal winning decathlete Ashton Eaton as their next model. Hmm… you live in the United States, you’re semi-talented but think that you’re a bigger celebrity than you really are, and you’re unemployed. Obviously he’s got to marry a Kardashian. I think Khloe and Kourtney are currently available.

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Seriously, if you take away his Olympic medals, what have you got left? A good looking asshat with no useful skills and a criminal record in a foreign country. I see a run for President in his future. What’s great about this post is that in the future when Ryan commits another act of public stupidity I can re-post this and get a bunch more views.

Have a great Saturday everybody! ~Phil