Throwback Thursdays: The Cult Scouts of America (9/26/2005)

It’s a new feature for the Phil Factor. Until I run out of old posts, I will, like Dan Brown’s protagonist Robert Langdon, venture into the dark, dank catacombs of the interwebs to pull out ancient volumes made of parchment paper and sealed with a wax seal containing my secret imprint to provide you a glimpse into history. I penned the following post for The Phil Factor on September 26, 2005.

I hate the Cub Scouts. If you don’t have a male child you wouldn’t understand. The Cult Scouts, as I like to call them, is an insidiously evil organization recruiting young children and brainwashing them into thinking that their arcane rituals, and subsequent trips into secluded locations in the woods to practice these rituals, are actually fun. This evil organization has secret handshakes and hand signals and forces children to repetitively chant their propaganda slogans. I also think they’re distributing a mind control drug to the general population through their popcorn sales. I mean really, who in their right mind would buy a giant can of caramel corn for $15?

The worst part is that as a parent you’re a hostage to this whole process. We are the human sacrifices of this particular cult, giving up our free time for 8 months of the year. The really brainwashed parents actually buy themselves an over-sized child’s uniform and do this crap year round. They’re the cult leaders. I think they’re children who grew up in the Cult Scouts and never took off the uniform. Weekly meetings to practice the rituals and incantations. Then the occasional trips into the woods to practice their brand of evil away from the prying eyes of the public. Once last year we actually slept over at the airport! See what I mean? That’s not a field trip! Travelers who have had flights grounded because of weather know that sleeping at the airport isn’t fun. But the Cult Scouts brainwash their young charges into believing it is.

I think I’m the only sane parent there and I’ve infiltrated the cult to reveal their secrets. I couldn’t stand to watch these incompetent dopes in their childhood uniforms trying to waste my child’s time, so I’ve volunteered to help. Mark my words, I will not wear the uniform. If they ask me to turn over all of my worldly belongings, I’m out of there. If I suddenly stop blogging you can assume they killed me on one of these trips into the woods. Send help!”

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